Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Only Mildly Abnormal


Thanks be to the Powers of the Pathology Lab, I got a call bright and bleary this morning from my OB. I’m only Mildly Abnormal. Which, you know, isn’t QUITE true, but fair enough. The bleeding problem is still, apparently, A Big Ass Problem, so I will be following up with her again in 6 weeks.

(note to self: do NOT google “severe bleeding disorders.”*)

Maybe it’s actually lupus? (that may have been funny only to me.)

*too late. ACK!


Aunt Becky: “Here.” (shoves a piece of paper toward The Daver)

The Daver: “What’s this?” (looks down at the paper)

AB: “The number I was promising you.” Looks around as though the air might provide her with the words she’s forgotten. It’s clear from the vapid expression on her face and the drool on the side of her mouth that she’s tired, high or both. “The…um….DOCTOR.”

TD: “Huh?”

AB: “The…UROLOGIST. About your old snip-snip.” (makes cutting gesture with fingers)

TD: “I can’t quite…make out…the…what does this say?” (he squints theatrically)

AB (leans over TD’s shoulder and notes that the numbers are both well formed and completely legible) “The number is….” (rattles off phone number)

TD: “But what is the doctors NAME?” (squints theatrically again)

AB: (exasperated) “I don’t know, Chantell, Chanelle? Does it matter?”

TD: (cryptically) “It matters VERY much…” (walks away)

AB: (sighs) “…guess I should look into that IUD…”


What’s mildly abnormal about YOU today, Internet?

52 Comments to

“Only Mildly Abnormal”

  1. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:12 pm Maria Says:

    I had a cookie before lunch.

    I just bit a toenail.

    I’m waffling between YAY my hair is short and FUCK my hair is short.

  2. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:09 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    As of today, I am placing a moratorium on the reading of any blogs written by mothers of three or more children. This is like the third or fourth “snip snip” post I’ve read in the last few days.

  3. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm Sarah Says:

    Really? For about three-ish days I’ve failed to take the second dose of my adrenal support pills due to general busyness and eating at inopportune times (supposed to take on an empty tummy) which has added up to a flashback of my formerly insane rage issues combined with an overwhelming need to just curl up and go comatose. Neither of which are terribly conducive to raising kids. When I take that stuff like a good girl, I’m downright perky.

    In other news, I’d really like to go white-water rafting this summer. Nothing crazy, just a beginner thing, but wouldn’t be a kick in the ass?

  4. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Rachel Says:

    I just ate at McDonald’s, but I’m craving taco bell. And I hate my job today, but I hate the idea of being at home with my kids more. Pretty much I am an evil bitch today. Okay, most days.

  5. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:24 pm Suzannah Says:

    I’m hopped up on diet pills and pain pills! The pain pills are normal, but I’ve added diet pills to the mix. Whee!

  6. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:28 pm deb Says:

    Only my tan line.

    LMAO @ Suzannah!!! Share the wealth Suzannah!!

  7. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Kerrie Says:

    Three MRI’s, three different sets of drugs, and four different doctors – unbelievable pain in my neck that won’t go away with occasional brain splitting migraines – But everyone says there’s nothing wrong with me. Seems like the PAIN should be a big clue, NO? My husband thinks that owning an elliptical will help me. huh???

  8. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm Sara Says:

    I’m moving out of my house today. And have to do all the cleaning and returning of junk that goes along with that! My abnormal is I ACTUALLY DON’T MIND IT RIGHT NOW!!!

    WTF is wrong with me?

  9. On May 4th, 2009 at 12:51 pm kbrients Says:

    Funny… my husband was ALL about going and getting snipped… as I told him it was either him getting it done, or me pregnant again… as I was NOT going on the pill again!

    He went the next day. 🙂

  10. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:16 pm Meghan Says:

    I have cleaned my garage to day only to pile all the junk into an even larger pile in the one corner in order to find wine bottles. So I my husband can bottle the wine he started yesterday and the one he’s starting today, and then we don’t look like white trash drinking from the big old jug in the basement.

    It may be slightly abnormal for today but it leaves me eating shortbread and surfing blogs for the reaminder of the afternoon;)


  11. On May 4th, 2009 at 2:20 pm Ames Says:

    I decided to try seriously dieting to get rid of this baby weight…it lasted until about 10am when I walked by my stove and saw a plate of delicious chocolately brownies on the stove. I ate two and then thought to myself “I shouldn’t have done that, so I skipped lunch to recover”… I never skip meals, I love me some food….

  12. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:31 pm kalakly Says:

    Filling a scrip for my OTHER son to get an EPI pen…jesus H. does it never stop?

  13. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:52 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I got abnormally rage-ful after getting a grade on a group project today. Like “Ginger Angry” mad. It weren’t purty.

  14. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:54 pm swirl girl Says:

    I just had two cavities filled in my 45 year old mouth. WTF!

    and why are you waiting to bleed for another 6 weeks?? WTF??

  15. On May 4th, 2009 at 1:55 pm Betty M Says:

    The lupus ref made me laugh! Always the refuge of the medical soap writer with no ideas which made me cross as I actually have lupus – my abnormal thing for the millennium – until House made it funny.

  16. On May 4th, 2009 at 2:01 pm Inna Says:

    I drank too much coffee (ie one cup, I usually have none) – the caffeine buzz is killing my calm blog reading time… waiting for the caffeine headache to set in… then I’ll be able to read more blogs. yeay!

  17. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:12 pm Em Says:

    The Oldest is home from school all week because our district is closed. Four cases of swine flu in two schools is just cause to close 25 schools and send 15,000 kids out into the world.

    They’re debating whether or not to be open next week.

    I’m not ready for Summer to start five weeks early!!!

    (sorry about the bleeding. how reassuring it’s only mildly abnormal.)

  18. On May 4th, 2009 at 2:20 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Silly Becky. It’s NEVER Lupus!

    I have an additional vertibrae in my back, which makes me have some LOVELY migraines/headaches and makes me sleep with one of those silly looking neck pillows at all times if I want to be able to move in the morning.

    And thank goodness for being married to a massage therapist!

  19. On May 4th, 2009 at 2:31 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    I have a big ass cavity in tooth # 2. I wanted the dentist to pull it, but there’s not enough left for him to grip. And, you know dentists – pull someone’s tooth and they eat that day, drill it and fil it and they eat forever. It was sitting there causing no trouble until Saturday’s cleaning and exam – now it hurts. Perhaps I should stock up on whole cloves…and Vicodin – can you help a sistah out with some of that?

  20. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:32 pm Heidi Says:

    My roommate and I just giggled ourselves silly after watching the Brothers Lionheart on DVD and realizing for the first time that the brothers actually commit suicide in the end. You don’t notice these things when you’re a kid!

    I don’t know if that classifies us as mildly abnormal, but oh well…

  21. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:03 pm Kendra Says:

    Congratulations, I guess on being only mildly abnormal. But be careful with the bleeding; that would scare me.

    I’m probably only as abnormal as usual today. Actually my mind is largely filled with bra thoughts–as in, my daughter is no longer really nursing during the day, so I can at last go get me some really nice, hold-those-suckers-up, non-nursing bras. At the moment, I’m still in the ill-fitting, I-can’t-wait-to-burn-it nursing one. Yes, these are the things that keep me awake… during the day.

  22. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:15 pm Sandy Says:

    My cooter itches. Doctor can’t find a reason for the itching cooter. No yeaster, no vaginitis, no nothing. To stop my complaining and whining about my itching, she gave me a prescription.

    While diapering my twin nephews this weekend, I saw a familiar tube – their prescription diaper rash cream is the same as my cooter cream. Kind of cool and disturbing at the same time.

    In the mean time, my cooter still itches and burns after booty and I’m sick of it and this cream sucks and isn’t working. WAH!

  23. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:19 pm Mimi Says:

    I have an ENORMOUS zit right at the hairline, and because I keep scraping at it with my brush, I’ve decided to forgo brushing my hair until it goes away. SO, I have crazy hair AND an ugly zit.

    And I refuse to go on birth control again, but TH won’t ever consider snipping anything. I’m up shit creek without a paddle…

  24. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:24 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I have a mirror set of zits on my chin, which is just so utterly awesome in the not awesome sense.

  25. On May 4th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I think I’m MORE than mildly abnormal, but perhaps not in the medical bleeding sense.

  26. On May 4th, 2009 at 4:09 pm Eva Says:

    Well, my husband just totaled his car. Although with the way things are going, that’s pretty normal for us.

  27. On May 4th, 2009 at 5:01 pm GingerB Says:

    I voted for you today, now you have to go to my blog and do a meme. It’s my first. I’m sorry. I’m too new at this to know if I have bad blogging manners.

    I abnormally ate a huge burrito bowl and burped right through afternoon court hearings.

    I got a rental car to tool around in while my super sweet mini-van gets fixed after I drove it into my own gate. Yeah, I’m that cool.

    So come see me at

  28. On May 4th, 2009 at 7:06 pm Kristine Says:

    I went to work late and came home fairly late only to discover that I should have stayed at work longer, everyone here is sleeping…I’m actually wishing I had brought something home from work to do…SCARY abnormal.

  29. On May 4th, 2009 at 7:26 pm amy Says:

    **sigh** what’s NOT abnormal about me today??!!
    I’ve had every (and I do mean every!) feline bodily function sprayed on me at one point during the day. My insurance has lapped. And my baby sister is pregnant, unwed, and unemployed. Is that abnormal or just a real shitty Monday?!

  30. On May 4th, 2009 at 7:34 pm Katy Says:

    I think I broke my finger when I accidentally punched the doorjam yesterday. Then I went and played a concert. Fun times. Eventually it went numb like I was hoping it would. This is when my cracked middle finger on my left hand is finally feeling better. I’m pretty ticked about the right hand because the hurt one is my third finger. How cool would it have been to have two broken middle fingers at the same time?! I’ve been telling everyone that my injured middle finger is a repetitive use injury.

  31. On May 4th, 2009 at 7:52 pm Valerie Says:

    What’s mildly abnormal about me? Hm. What isn’t.

    How about… the fact that I spent the whole day in my pajamas, despite being out in classes and the grille working on a paper. That’s mildly abnormal for me.

  32. On May 4th, 2009 at 8:12 pm mumma boo Says:

    Glad to hear you’re only mildly abnormal in the hoo-ha hijinxery dept. Hope they come up with an answer to the bleeding soon!
    My day was so abnormal that I don’t know where to begin. So I think I’ll have a beer and go to bed. That’s normal, right? 🙂

  33. On May 4th, 2009 at 8:40 pm Karen Says:

    Well my hemoglobin is closer to normal today…coming in at a whopping 8.2. And I got a vitamin B-12 shot so that is closer to normal. Tomorrow I get my Vitamin D shot. Then I will be as normal as can be 🙂

    I so think Daver should take one for the team here. Men are whimps!

  34. On May 4th, 2009 at 8:53 pm sarah Says:

    You dont even want to know….

  35. On May 4th, 2009 at 9:46 pm RhoRho Says:

    I refuse to watch much regular tv, esp. like American Idol because it feels like every other effing tv in America is watching the same thing and that would be too normal. The same goes for Desperate Housewives. That’s the length of my anti-normalcy. When it comes to music or art, i guess i am pretty normal and it hurts to say that. I used to pride my self on being abnormal but the older and more parental (not toooo parental) I get, sadly, normal keeps rearing its ugly head.
    Whaddup on the snip? We loves our snippity snip snip. Saved the marriage.

  36. On May 4th, 2009 at 10:42 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    odd that you should write about this TODAY. just this morning… snip snip

  37. On May 5th, 2009 at 12:05 am pamajama Says:

    Although I’ve never heard anyone else say this – I LOVE MY IUD! Eleven years, no problems, nothing. Although occasionally I’ve considered digging it out with my fingers during moments of insanity:)

  38. On May 5th, 2009 at 6:47 am SCY Says:

    The fact that I’m going to see a physic reflexologist and am hoping to get some insight as to whether I’ll actually ever have children…


  39. On May 5th, 2009 at 6:59 am Badass Geek Says:

    Just today?

    Too many things. Way too many.

  40. On May 5th, 2009 at 6:21 am Calliope Says:

    Having weird repeat emotions bubble up. You know, those complicated Mother/daughter emotions that pop up when you see your Mother holding your kid.

  41. On May 5th, 2009 at 8:47 am LAS Says:

    The fact that I unplug the toaster every day before I leave for work.

  42. On May 5th, 2009 at 9:25 am honeywine Says:

    One boob is half a cup size bigger than the other. That’s really all I got. 😉 I’ll send you some of my knack for having men around me whose junk is non-functioning. 🙂

  43. On May 5th, 2009 at 9:46 am lady lemon Says:

    Abnormal? I think it would be sorter to list the Normal things about me.

    Let’s see –

    I am day dreaming about what my Roomba is doing right now.
    I have make up stock piled in my office for no reason.
    I can’t wait to get home so I can watch I Love Money 2, even though it fills me with The Shame, as you would say.

  44. On May 5th, 2009 at 10:15 am Coco Says:

    I am hoping to make it through one day without being called to pick up Bean from daycare because he is eating the other children.

    My left eye has a weird, swollen, red, itchy patch on the eyelid that’s making me look a little like “Rocky”, only I’m wearing a shirt and I’m not an Italian dude.

    One of our fish has a bacterial infection and I am now giving my fish antibiotics and worrying over the state of their skin.

  45. On May 5th, 2009 at 11:55 am pixiemama Says:

    Paraguard IUD … seriously. You’ll never regret it, and you’ll never have to hear him whine about it. I did make my husband go have his bits squeezed for the consultation before I suggested the IUD… It was worth every red cent of the copay to watch him drop trou and get inspected. hahahahahahaha


  46. On May 5th, 2009 at 3:10 pm lola Says:

    I’m being a lazy, stubborn ass and reading blogs instead of doing the nasty transcript that was due today. Wait. That’s totally normal for me. I guess I’m fine.

    I wish IUD’s didn’t scare the crap outta me. I grew up reading major horror stories about those little contraptions. Popping pills is so much easier on my nerves!

  47. On May 5th, 2009 at 6:20 pm Betts Says:

    I convinced myself I have a thyroid condition because I can’t lose weight, I’m cold all the time and I’m tired. In reality, I’m sedentary, I live in Vermont and I’m lazy.

  48. On May 5th, 2009 at 8:51 pm Emily A Says:

    I was in the hospital the last 3.5 days with a bad case of gastroenteritis/migraines, and actually enjoyed the time off!

  49. On May 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am zelzee Says:

    I was glad to hear you are mildly abnormal!

    You’re perfect in my book!

  50. On May 6th, 2009 at 1:53 pm Nancy Says:

    I think the question would be better phrased as “what is mildly even normal about me, any day?”

  51. On May 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm tash Says:

    Um, Yay? (Right?)

  52. On May 8th, 2009 at 10:22 am Dot Says:

    Are congratulations appropriate on “mildly abnormal?” So glad it wasn’t worse! Wish it was better.

    I don’t watch House, so I thought of George Costanza when you mentioned lupus. Not funny for me. I actually was diagnosed with lupus 20 years ago. However, it turned out eventually that I had a related autoimmune illness that’s less aggressive.

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