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On Creating Monsters


Somewhere along the lines, someone far smarter than I once told me that children will make liars out of you. No sooner have you said breezily “Oh, Alex now says ‘Light'” when he will suddenly decide that being mute is far better than actually expending energy TALKING.

One of the biggest battles I’ve had in my parenting experiences thus far (to be replaced, I’m certain, with arguments over who did not fill up the gas tank AGAIN–likely answer: me. I hate getting gas) has been that of Food. Fought, primarily, with my eldest.

Ben was born with a number of intense sensory issues, most of which I will not bother regaling you with, lest your head explode, but food was numero uno on his own personal Shit List. As such, as a toddler he ate such a lack of variety that I frequently wondered if I’d birthed an android or robot.

During that point in our lives, we lived with my parents, who assumed much of the childcare responsibilities while I completed my nursing degree. My mother’s solution to Ben’s refusal to eat was to pump him full of Juice.

So, we had a vicious cycle: he wouldn’t eat because he disliked food, but he was so full of carby goodness that he wasn’t hungry so he wouldn’t eat.

It displeased me.

And displeased my mother even more intensely when I informed her that Ben did not require 14 gallons of Juice each day to live.

To her, this was akin to child abuse! How could I deny my son Juice? Juice is healthy AND delicious (I personally, hate juice) and it was calories! And he liked it! I was a Bad Mother for trying to deny him the sweet nectar of the Gods!

I nixed Juice for the next couple of years completely, and have only recently begun to allow the succulent flavor to cross his delicate palate again because he will eat! real! food! now!

Likewise, pop (or soda, whatever you prefer to call it) is staunchly guarded in our home, only to make an appearance on special occasions or when we go out to eat. Unless my kids are sick, in which I assume that any fluids (save from blood or pee) are better than none, and I allow them to drink the carbonated goodness whenever they want.

During this last bout of misery (of which Alex is still suffering), I introduced my youngest to a little drink we call Sprite here in Chicago, and I’ve never seen someone more willing to drink massive amounts of liquid in my life. And who can blame him? I’ve frequently hoped and prayed that someone come along and serve ME a bottle filled with The Uncola, but alas, my dreams have not come to fruitation just yet.

Except that this Plague has gone on for longer than even I expected (having been sick myself for nearly a week) and Alex has become hopelessly infatuated with his new favorite drink. So great is his love for it, that if I dare try to substitute it for mere water, he throws a massive fit (to his credit, he is still both sick AND insufferable), I mean it LOOKS like Sprite, but it doesn’t TASTE like Sprite! THE INJUSTICE!

So here I sit, knowing in my heart of hearts that it is only I who created this particular monster, eating my own words.

And they don’t even taste good.

posted under The Sausage Factory
17 Comments to

“On Creating Monsters”

  1. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:04 pm magpie Says:

    Nah, blame it on your mother.

  2. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm kbreints Says:

    Next you will be giving your children kool-aide!! Oh the humanity!

  3. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:15 pm Judy Says:

    Another gem!

  4. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:17 pm Amy Says:

    I popped over from Kalakly’s place to check out your OCD, comedy! I have to say what short bit I have been able to read today you made me laugh! Something that is rare for me these days so, I say to you, THANK YOU for the funnies!

  5. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm kim Says:

    too funny.

  6. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:57 pm pamajama Says:

    I regret the day my husband bought my daughter her first 7-11 Slurpee. I believe it may have altered her brain chemistry. I have never known a kid who likes sugar so much. It makes me sick that we’ve done this!

  7. On March 20th, 2008 at 1:59 pm b Says:

    Dude, seriously…he’s sick. Pump fluids into him any way you can. Deal with his addiction once he feels better. At least with Sprite, the withdrawls will not require a prescription for methodone.

  8. On March 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm Kristin Says:

    Put a little Seagrams in the Sprite. It will knock him out and then you can finish off the bottle for good measure.

    Everybody wins!

  9. On March 20th, 2008 at 2:58 pm Tracy Says:

    I rue the day that one of us let Declan have a sip of ginger ale. You’d think the carbonation would irritate their little snoots, but I think he’d snort the stuff if he could.

  10. On March 20th, 2008 at 3:23 pm Carlynn Says:

    I agree with Alex, Sprite is definitely the best pop/soda/cool drink (as we used to call it for some unknown reason).

  11. On March 20th, 2008 at 4:14 pm Heather Says:

    My MIL feeds the grandchildren (my sil’s kid who granny is always at for being “fat”!) SLIMFAST because it’s so healthy, it *must* counteract the HoHos and Cheese Nips (which she also feeds her!), right?

    Just add it to the “blame grandma” pile. No one will notice one more infraction.

  12. On March 20th, 2008 at 8:01 pm lolly Says:

    mix it with water. better for him with the same taste

  13. On March 20th, 2008 at 9:03 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I second what Lolly said. Another idea is giving him a sports bottle of water. My kids see Hubby drink them (because I only drink diet pepsi. seriously.) and think they are so cool and grown-up they don’t even notice that I’m giving them water instead of apple juice.

    This reminds me of when I was three and we moved. I regressed to bottles and I can actually remember the heavenly taste of Coke (Coke!) in my bottle when I got sick. My mother swears it only happened once, but nothing will ever taste better than that.

  14. On March 20th, 2008 at 10:58 pm Kristen Says:

    Good luck with getting him back on water. fun.
    Thanks for giving me my daily does of smile.

  15. On March 21st, 2008 at 10:27 am Rayne of Terror Says:

    No harm in watering it down, then dealing with his desires when he’s well.

  16. On March 23rd, 2008 at 8:21 pm Emily R Says:

    I know that story. My kids’ grandparents cannot understand why we don’t give them sweets every day.

  17. On March 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Juice is the devil, I tell you!! The devil!!

    My son gets addicted to it, like its crack!

    We’re down to one cup of O.J. a day!

    Otherwise, he gets stuck in the drinking too much/not eating cycle too!!

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