Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Oh, There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays?


Anyone who has had to bear the burden of being married or in a long term relationship has inexplicably been stuck in the same predicament year after year. Who gets you for the holidays or any other day of the year that your family may deem IMPERATIVE that you be home.

I have been blessed with both in-laws and a family who do not become angry if I am unable to make a particular holiday. Neither of us gets outright YELLED at or threatened to be written out of a will or two. No, they’re MUCH more subtle than that. I’ve experienced the passive aggressive, sullen and disheartened, “Well, ooooookkkkkay, I GUESS it’s OKAY if you don’t make it. Your BROTHER would have made it.”

The Daver deals with the same stuff.

And I have to be honest, I ADORE the holidays.

It’s the most wonderful motherfucking time of the year, after all. There is nothing more magical than the Christmas season, aside from maybe a freshly shorn nutbag, but I digress. The lights, the smells, the sounds, the bells, I love it all. I love shopping for gifts, I love decorating for the holidays; I love that magical first snow of the year.

And I admit that I even love seeing my family and my in-laws. I adore both sides of our family; and I love seeing them for the holidays.

As usual, there is a catch: both sets of parents EXPECT that they are the most important members of the family,and are therefore entitled to certain unalienable privileges. Most of those being our time WHENEVER THEY WANT US TO for the holidays. It isn’t as though I don’t want to see them; I do.

But I can’t say that I enjoy my holidays spent in the car going from one place to another. Although traveling isn’t a problem for us; we like to get going as much as the next person. But spending 7+ hours a day in a car with a small child for a couple of hours with each set of families is going pretty far beyond what anyone else in the famil(ies) do.

It only compounds matters exponentially that my parents, living about 1 hour from us, see us far more than Dave’s do, living 3+ hours from us (although, by some untapped miracle Dave claims that it only takes an hour and a half. Aside from teleportation, I have no idea how he gets there with such speed), which makes us feel bad. This, in turn makes us try to bend over literally downward facing dog AND the tree trying to appease whatever holiday requests they ask of us.

But no matter how much we break our backs for the families, no one else will meet us halfway. We get no”Well you came out by us last time, now it’s our turn.” If we cannot attend a gathering, there will be no offer to see us or come out to our house at a rescheduled date. Which would explain why I found a couple of little gifts I had picked up for my in-laws LAST YEAR in my vanity. Just SHAMEFUL.

Let’s compound things once again: I have a child whose father is not Dave, and said father wants to see his child on the holidays, too. So Dave, Ben and I are stuck grappling with the seemingly senseless fragments of 3 timetables from 3 families.

We have to make it to cities, W, X, Y and Z in a matter of 1.5 days. These cities are 1-4 hours apart. So we could alternate the cities based on a number of factors (If we leave for W at 6pm after work, get there at 9, stay til 6am drive 4 hours, arrive at 10:30, open gifts, smile, laugh, eat, leave at 1pm if Ben has had nap, drive another hour, drive an hour back, open more presnets, better not nap b/c you’ll look like you’re not having fun, drive 1.5 hours home, utterly exhausted), but it essentially boils down to extra travelling time for us, but not for anyone else.

Here’s my resolution, dear Internet, next year this foolishness will be done, and we won’t exhaust ourselves traveling multiple hours in the car just to appease everyone for the holidays.

Next year, we’re embracing the “N” word.

3 Comments to

“Oh, There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays?”

  1. On November 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Rudolph, The Red-Nosed….Wait, Didn’t We Just Do This? Says:

    […] pretty discouraged about the whole situation. Now, I’ve written in years past about all of the mucking around that we used to do to appease our families, and how we were going to stop fucking doing that, because it made the holidays miserable. For […]

  2. On August 3rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm Ashley Says:

    So, I’m reading through your archives and I just had to comment on this one… My family (for the most part) all lives within a 20-minute radius of my husband, son, and myself. My family is overtly complicated. My dad won’t have anything to do with my grandma (his mother) and thus this makes for extraordinarily complicated birthday planning for a toddler who was born in motherfucking February. I digress.

    My father in law (because MIL passed away about 6 years ago) is antisocial, my sister in law lives with FIL and her two children and boyfriend. He never wants to go to anyone else’s home. Ever.

    Christmas is an event because I grew up with the grandma my father hates, and as a child spent Xmas eve with my grandparents and Xmas Day with my dad and (step)mom. Enter Future Husband, who was a good sport about splitting Xmas day with my family. We used to do Xmas eve with my g’rents, Xmas morning at his dad’s (because SIL’s daughter lives with her dad who gets her back around noonish Xmas day) and Xmas day evening with my parents. Then, FIL decided to do dinner at his house and not let us come over in the morning. Then he wanted to do it Xmas eve… No, day… No, eve. You get the idea.

    My mom thinks that things should stay the way they’ve always been, because she’s always had me for the holidays and *sob* *sob* *incoherent mumbling about whatever* Nevermind that we have three families to see and that none of them get along well enough to come to OUR house for the day.

    I love Christmas. I put my tree up after thanksgiving and (I kid you not) this year left it up until the week before we moved (in JULY). I adore the whole damn season. But nothing makes me cry like an abused baby more than trying to figure out visitations… I feel your pain, minus the traveling with small child for many an hour.

  3. On December 16th, 2019 at 8:00 am Dose Of Happy: Oh. There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays? - The Band Back Together Project Says:

    […] Originally posted on my blog Mommy Wants Vodka and reproduced with the author’s (HIIIII!!!) pe… […]

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...