Oh, Mr. Cool Water, You’re Suffocating Me, Not Turning Me On
Yay Pranksters! Today, I have my homeslice Miss Grace of Miss Grace’s Disgrace doing a GUEST BLOG for me. Which is rad because she’s one of the nicest bloggers you’ll ever meet. AND she’s hot. AND she’s snarky. Which is an odd mix. Normally when you say, “she’s nice” you’re saying, “she’s ugly” or something, you know?
Not so, Little Butterflies. Miss Grace is smoking. She was my inaugural BlogHer Hump. But she’s here and she’s awesome and I’m proud to have her.
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It’s time! Time to break one of the cardinal rules of blogging! Gather round children, cuz I’m totes talking about Hated Coworkers.
Yay!
People!
PEOPLE WHO I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT!
1. I’m Controversial Because I’m GAY!!1! coworker.
Incredibly irritating, accomplishes NEGATIVE work via diminishing work of others.
Unfathomably bitchy, and, as a bonus, he ENRAGES me by presuming that if anyone doesn’t like him, it’s because he’s gay.
It’s not because you’re gay, you ASSHOLE, it’s because you drain the life force out of my body with your presence, crushing my will to live. I don’t hate you because you’re gay, and now I hate you EXTRA for thinking that I hate you because you’re gay.
2. Girl with the Unfortunate Tits.
Now I have no high horse about boobs. Mine served their mammalian function for a year and a half and now they’re all milk-flappy and….unpleasant. No.High.Horse.
However. I don’t come to work with my chi-chis spilling over the top of my two-sizes-two-small skank shirt. Anyhow. This girl? Aside from an irritating personality I mean. This girl? She dresses like a whore for male attention, which, fine. Do as you will. But her bewbs are super fucking disturbing in that they start sagging from like, the collarbone?
Kind of? It’s impossible to explain but ifyou’ve ever ogled her tits then YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. And OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE STARING AT YOUR TITS. They are staring in HORROR. And it kills me because her goal is, in fact, the stare-at-my-tits attention factor. But I don’t think you realize why I’m staring.
3. Old Men Who Ogle Me, exhibits A, B and C. (Hypocritical Much?)
I try REALLY hard not to show my ‘tas at work, because that’s not….just….these men are, all of them, older than my father, and I don’t think they REALIZE that they’re older than my father?
I mean, my dad’s pretty young. But still. STILL. Anyhow, bewbage in the workplace is never the plan. And these men, they are not TRYING to look at my chest, or stare, or anything. But! I’m a girl and I can tell when someone checks out my rack and GAH THIS HIGH NECKED SHIRT WAS INSUFFICIENT.
4. Dude who wears the cologne of a marine trying to date rape 19-year-old girls in Tijuana. (AKA Cool Water)
5. Lady who wears the perfume of someone’s dead grandmother, at ten times the recommended potency.
6. Inability to Read Social Cues Girl!
I HATE YOU STOP TALKING TO ME CAN’T YOU SEE THAT YOU MAKE ME FEEL DEAD INSIDE OHMYGOD ENOUGH.
7. Passive Aggressive Email Chick.
8. Lady who sends all the
forward-this-to-ten-people-and-an-angel-will-kiss-your-soul emails.
9. Profusely Sweating Dude, who smells like he lacks a sphincter.
Your turn to dish on some annoying coworkers, Pranksters! Yay!
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I’ve been publishing a post a day (which is why there’s a delay in it being posted) on Mushroom Printing, and if you’ve submitted one and you’re interested in promoting it once it’s up, just leave your email address on the top with a request to be emailed when it’s up.
Otherwise, I’ve been putting them up in the order they’ve been submitted.
Keep on, keeping on, Pranksters. Mushroom Printing is full of the awesome.
1) I love your blog. I am one of those people who reads there religiously but RARELY comments. Sorry.
2) I am suddenly very relieved that I do not have coworkers.
Hi there!
Bwahahahahaha.
Co-worker who uses red font in her emails for greater emphasis, and uses it to the point where we no longer get the meaning because the red font is too damned irritating and distracting.
Dude, YES. Comic Sans font in the fucking fancy colors makes me Furious George and I don’t even WORK in an office.
I’m pretty much opposed to any sort of ‘off’ formatting in work emails.
THE DEFAULTS ARE APPROPRIATE
Says the woman who just used all caps for emphasis.
Oh, wait–it’s your rule, you can break it, is that how it goes? 😉
Oh, I love using ALL CAPS FOR EMPHASIS. I did not, however, use Comic Sans OR any type of colored font!
5 and 6 are the bain of my existence here at work. i also hate the people who take a giant gag-me dump in the bathroom and then spray the peach air freshener which seems to combine with the poop smell and forms a deadly toxic cloud that makes me want to projectile vomit in their face. and worse they run out of the bathroom leaving me wilting under the crippling cloud just to be blamed for it by the next person coming into the bathroom.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Whoever thought that sweet smell + poo = good idea?
Dave Attel had a very good routine about mixing odors like that. I’ll tell it to you sometime.
I have considered throwing out the air freshener.
At least then there would only be ONE toxic odor.
I HAVE thrown out the air freshener. Repeatedly. I don’t mind a spray or 2, but the women I work with spray that shit for like a minute. Continuously. Yesterday someone in the stall next to me sprayed it over the stall into my stall and nailed me in the eye with it. The expletives that left my mouth left her dumbfounded.
Had a coworker who talked to herself all day, telling herself what to do, telling herself off, laughing at her jokes, in a fairly loud voice. We had desks that faced each other, and a high divider between the two desks so that we had to stand to peek over. She talked to herself loudly, and I answered, and it took me months to remember that she nattered away at herself. I don’t know who was more annoyed, but she drove us all nuts.
You all make me so happy that I’m not alone!
Please stop with the air freshener. It doesn’t actually freshen the air, no matter what Oust claims.
This made me laugh so hard I think I burst a blood vessel in my right eye.
Peach poop cloud – the new Weapon of Mass Destruction!
*hangs head in shame* I AM the passive aggressive email chick.
But the perfume/cologne. I’m so there with you. Soap is cheaper!!!
What’s the passive-aggressive email chick? PLEASE BE EXPLAINING.
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/category/e-mail/
Well, as an example… I got an email from my counterpart at one of our other facilities. She had attached a template and was wanting me to put some of my documents into her template. Rather than be outwardly bitchy and say, “What the fuck are you thinking? I’m not doing your work FOR you.” I replied with the location of said documents and told her do with them as she wished.
Oh, and when I asked HR if I could use a vacation day 3 days early they said no. Our company is closing this facility. At the time, we were supposed to close in November, it’s since been pushed back to at least April, but we didn’t know that at the time. My response was, “Thank you for letting me know. In light of what is happening at the end of the year, I thought the company might show a little flexibility and compassion.”
Wow, this got way longer than anticipated.
Annoying coworker: Laughs so loudly that I can hear her over my headphones from half a building away.
Oh damn. That’s me.
Sorry!
thankfully, i now own my own business and work from home. so my coworkers are.. well, my cats. but they really don’t carry their share of the workload. they mostly shed and mew and climb on my shoulders.
anyway, i did actually work in a corporate environment at one time. and i absotively HATE the women who wear horrifying perfumes and turn it up to 11. i mean, seriously. i should not gag when you walk past my cubicle. when you walk into my office, i should not immediately feel the need to vomit or get a gas mask. as an asthmatic, perfume is one of the things that really sets my bronchial tubes off.
conversely, deodorant should be just about mandatory in offices. yes, i understand that you think you don’t need it. what i’m trying to explain to you is that YOU DO. my mom doesn’t wear deodorant, and i have never smelled her when she walks by me. she is the ONLY person i know on this planet who literally does not need deodorant. and dousing yourself in perfume/cologne does not help – it only makes the matter worse. cologne is not a substitute for a shower. neither is that axe body spray – i don’t CARE what the commercial says.
When I worked on the oncology ward, we were warned about the perfumes, and since then I’ve been really really careful about wearing them. Which yeah, thanks, oncology ward!
Co-worker(s) who sends all e-mails with a read receipt (I always click no when I get the message do I want to sent a receipt).
Co-worker(s) who call to ask if task is done when I have already sent them an e-mail with the request done.
Boss (to whom I have access to his e-mail) who stops you from a project to do some inane (stupid) task and spreadsheet THAT HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT AWAY, then when you check his e-mail 2 fucking weeks later he still hasnt opened it.
Co-workers who do not have bathroom stall etiquette down (there are 10 stalls, MUST you sit in the one right next to me?)
The lunch stealer. Oh the lunch stealer, I WILL find you.
Okay, pretend that I don’t get email a lot. What’s a read receipt?
Its an Outlook thing I guess. You set your e-mail so that the person has to click on a box “this person has requested a read receipt for this e-mail, do you want to send them a receipt” Yes or No.
Its like they want proof that they sent you an e-mail. Dude, the proof is in your sent box.
Melissa, you must believe in the good nature of people! The read receipt is to prove that you actually READ their inane blatherings so there’s no way that you can claim to not know about it later.
I used to work in a law office and someone would steal my lunch on a regular basis. You’re lawyers. You make 5 gazillion times what I make. BUY YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH!
I’ve got the old guy who tells terrible jokes ALL the time…even when you tell him no one is laughing. And the even older man who thinks women cannot be authority figures. Oh oh and the customer service girl with the fake nice voice who calls everyone “sweety” and “hun” I work with a lot of these people. I could go on for days!
I work with several of these people!! Do we work at the same place? Probably not, since our president would probably never hire a gay person.
Cool Water. EWWWW.
Lazy ass coworker who asks you to ‘grab me that fax off the printer’…
But I’m sitting here working. And on the phone. And your desk is actually CLOSER to the fax.
Also, I AM NOT YOUR SECRETARY
OH MY GOD. I SO REMEMBER THAT. I got stabbity just REMEMBERING that.
Lazy ass coworker who asks you to ‘grab me that fax off the printer’…
But I’m sitting here working. And on the phone. And your desk is actually CLOSER to the fax.
Also, I AM NOT YOUR SECRETARY
Please oh please oh please let your co-workers discover this post and read it and see themselves exposed. Because that would be AWESOME.
I recently threw down with #8 at my work. I told her if she forwards me another email containing a) a request to forward to ten people, b) a request for prayer, or c) a picture of a baby or kitten in a costume, I would come to her office and throw monkey shit on her until she promises to stop.
The emails have stopped. Which is good, because I really have to stop throwing monkey shit at co-workers. My boss has already warned me twice.
I really wish I could work with you.
Plus monkey shit is at a premium right now, what with the economy and all.
I’m at work right now and I have the most annoying coworkers, trust me! The slutty dresser that did no work finally got fired. I hate the one that writes e-mails and post it notes in ALL CAPS with EXCLAMATION POINTS! because what she says is so damn important.
The old man who is always making sexually inapporpriate comments and gets drunk at EVERY office function.
The young woman who pretends not to know anything and constantly sticks me with her work.
The extremely self absorbed bitch who thinks every damn thing is about her. And it isn’t! In fact she is talking to me right this second about something and I have no idea what it is. She is so damn boring. Oh wait, she just asked me a question. Time to look up and pretend I was listening.
Yeah, I could write a list AT LEAST this long about my co-workers, but I’ll just start with weird lady at work who makes flower pens and then tries to force them on you because she thinks that she is crafter extrordinaire because she can glue a fake flower to a shitty pen that writes all weird so I can’t even use the pen for it’s original purpose while she tells me about how she started making these pens as a fundraiser and now she sells them and all I can think is WTF is BUYING these pens? But then I realize NOBODY which is why she is forcing them on unsuspecting co-workers.
GAH!
Y’know how I know how extra annoying that is? You have already TOLD me about the flower pens.
And yes.
I agree.
I hate all these people too. Also, the people who think I care about what they have to say just because I don’t tell them to shut up and go away.
I love you though. And all your insides and outsides. Which I’ve oogled in public.
I love your insides and outsides too. And your inbetweens.
Fortunately I only work with #6 – Like I want to hear about your weekend in the woods with the level 76 Mage or whatever the crap you droned on endlessly about and kept me from closing the studio on time. I feel like I probably work with a couple of #8s, but so far I’ve successfully avoided becoming facebook friends with anyone from there, so I’m not sure. I mean, they text me, that’s enough.
But hey, thanks, this post made my day (because I DON’T work with those people) and I also actually lol’ed.
I just got this new staff for my healer. It ups his glitter by 75%.
Wait. Is that right?
Best line: PEOPLE WHO I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT
I actually taught my daughter to do that (as a last resort). A boy in her class was trying to touch her behind and since the teacher didn’t see it, didn’t do diddley about it. I told my daughter to do society a favor and teach the kid now that he can’t go around touching the tukus of anyone he liked. She did. He learned. Teacher didnt see that either and she didn’t get into any trouble.
Judge me if you will, but my daughter kicks ass, takes names, and takes no crap from anyone. I’m proud of her.
I feel like it’s one of the places I could punch someone and maybe kill them.
Technically, I dont think so, but there is a little soft area right above the collar bone where if hit hard enough you CAN knock someone out, just for a few seconds. A few seconds to get away if need be!
I’m with Jenn. This makes me very relieved I have no coworkers. Wait, do my family members count as co-workers? IF so, I have to say I the co-workers who suffer from Male Pattern Blindness and can’t see shit that needs picking up drive me batshit crazy.
Working from home can be very lonely. No one to walk with at lunch (or say “screw it” and go eat with). I miss the day-in, day-out of coworkers. This, like Jenn said, is why I don’t miss co-workers. You’ve reminded me why working from home rocks. Yes, my two big dogs can clear a room if they’ve gotten a hold of old fruit stuck in the corner of the high chair – but at least they aren’t trying to lure small children with candy or anything! Thanks!
Person who must mark ALL emails with HIGH IMPORTANCE, even if the email is the OPPOSITE of important.
Person whose face looks like she just stepped in dog $hit and attitude also reflects this face.
Person who is so angry he can only complain, about EVERYTHING, and who we are CERTAIN will bring firearms into the place and shoot it up if he is ever (justifiably) fired.
Are you saying that this HIGHLY IMPORTANT LOLCATS email is not, in fact, HIGHLY IMPORTANT?
It’s like everything I was taught is a lie.
I have two co-workers that deserve a hearty taco kick
Mr. “That’s not my job”- able to watch hugely pregnant women carry heavy boxes without offering help because hey, that’s not his job
Miss Helpful- asks your opinion on all manner of things, then proceeds to tell you why you are wrong. Just this morning I found out from that while I thought I didn’t like peaches, I was wrong. I do like them I just need to learn how to eat them. So helpful.
Boy. It sure is good that she taught you that important piece of information! She sounds HELPFUL!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Love those people. Sounds JUST like my mother-in-law.
I totally forgot one.
Miss I think the elevator is an f’ing American Idol tryout! Why do people do this? Why?
LOVE the way you phrased #4.
My office “hate”: The Woman Who Does Nothing But Talks About It All The Time. (As in, “We had a block party at home but it was too hot and I didn’t want to sweat so my son and husband went without me.” And, “You guys are going to lunch? Where? Oh. That’s OK then. I really don’t feel like walking.”) She’s recently started a blog (about even less than Seinfeld) and wants me to help her pimp it. {.cough.NO.cough.cough.}
A couple of my friends in college had a class with a woman like this. They called her “Girl who talks and talks but never says anything” 🙂
Bwahaha. We all know those people. I’m pretty sure I’m that person 😉
I used to work for passively aggressive girl who also forwarded overly sapping craptastic emails. Pure. Hell.
I used to work for passively aggressive girl who also forwarded overly sapping craptastic emails. Pure. Hell.
This is great. So true on so many levels. I swear we work at the same place from time to time. Now I just have one super anoying coworker. It just got to be to much a couple weeks ago so I had to do a short blog about it to keep from stuffing my foot in her mouth. It went like this.
I am trying to work, please don’t bother me now. I am trying to draw, please leave somehow. I am trying to relax, just go away. No questions, no conversations, I have nothing to say.
If you don’t get the point, and ask me wassup,
I do have something to say,
Shut The Fuck Up!!!
I work with a ‘know it all’ that I would like to vagina punch on the daily. If I mention anything about my kids she goes into a 20 minute conversation with herself about how her kid did it BETTER and what her kid was wearing the day she did it BETTER and ZOMG GET ME SOME BOOZE NOW! She also interupts all. the. time. in which I always want to yell ‘bitch, didn’t your mother teach you any manners?!’ Ugh, I think my blood pressure rose just talking about her.
AH MAH GAHD!!! I have a #6 HERE! She drives me up the wall insane. Talks to herself and me constantly. But at this low monotone decible. All. Effing. Day. Long. I’ve started just leaving my desk when she starts and given that we have a cubicle wall between us… she doesn’t know. HA!!
On a side note, my husband used WAY too much laundry detergent last night and I am presently #5.
HM
“Anyhow, bewbage in the workplace is never the plan.” – Well, unless your workplace is the street corner of Vine Avenue and Swag Street.
And didn’t you know that Jesus will stop loving you if you don’t forward that e-mail? Plus, you won’t get to see that little leprechaun prancing across the page. You know he only dances if you send this e-mail to 75 people in the next 20 seconds, so GO! HURRY! Otherwise you’re going to Hell where, coincidentally, they have lots of dancing leprechauns.
Ugh, I work with half those people. But the current bane of my existence is Miss Passive-Aggressive Email. See, we don’t rely on email at all at my job – it’s mostly only notices from corporate, combined with bitchy emails from Miss P-A that she manages to send 10 minutes before she leaves for the day surreptitiously while she is chatting pleasantly with you.
Our Miss Unfortunate Tits wouldn’t be so bad, except that she’s also Miss Unfortunate Rear-Cleavage, and really, I can’t see it coming and going. It’s just not fair.
The people who are forever saying certain words wrong drive me in-fucking-sane. There is a nurse that I work with that always says “amb-LE-ance” and “Viet-MA-nese”. She also says “dobblers” instead of “dopplers” which about pushes me over the edge. Seriously, she’s a NURSE for fucks sake – in the EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT – she should at least be able to say “ambulance” correctly, wouldn’t ya think???. Of course, this is also the nurse that we’ve all made a secret pact that, in the event that one of us is in a horrible accident and is brought in to be treated, she is NEVER allowed to be the primary nurse. Ugh!!!
I have a coworker who says ‘isolate’ instead of ‘oscillate.’ As in, “That fan is broken, it doesn’t isolate anymore.”
Yeah this post makes me glad that i work from home and don’t have to deal with any of that. Just have to deal with my mom but that’s a whole another ball of yarn.
great post! I think I’m gonna need to see a photo of Saggy Weird Tits to get the full idea. I just don’t get it.
I had a coworker whose husband died (so sad), but she bathed in his cologne for like the next year. GAG! I needed a gas mask to walk through the office.
but the coworkers I hate the most are:
1. the martyr- poor me poor me. I’m the only one who does any work and I always work late and nobody likes me. well, boo fucking hoo. I carry twice your workload and go home on time. and I only whine about it to my therapist thankyouverymuch.
2. the energy sucker- you know the one. it’s like magic. 5 minutes talking with this person and you feel like you’re slipping into a coma. how do they do it?
The awkward breasts are like….really hard to describe. But REALLY visually disturbing.
Even old lady boobs shouldn’t look like this. And this girl is YOUNG.
plus it *always* sounds funny. kick in the shins? boring. throat? hilarious.
I know too many “I’m Controversial Because I’m GAY!!1!” AND “Inability to Read Social Rules Girl”s. How widespread are these problems? Maybe they’re everywhere…it certainly feels that way.
I’m no longer working, but when I was, I had an annoying co-worker for the history books (actually, I had several, but this one was classic). She was the office pet–hired in through the back door and quickly promoted far beyond her limited capabilities. I could write a blog about her behavior–oh, I already have (and she read it!), but I’ll hit one of my favorite highlights here.
First off, there are two things you need to know about her. About a year before this incident, she was married and, a year later, still frequented (as in, was logged in ALL DAY) the local boards at TheKnot.com. Secondly, she had a rare and deadly lung condition called….mild asthma.
So, as I said, she was on the message board at TheKnot all day (yes, during the work day!). At this time, there were 2 brides-to-be in the office, myself and one other woman. Both of us checked this message board as well–although after work hours–for info on vendors, sites, etc.
One day, this person (whom we shall call Anne, because that was her name) was out of the office all afternoon for an appointment with the “Lung Specialist.” Since this happened about every other week, no one thought much about it–other than the injustice that she could use sick leave for these visits but everyone else in the company would have had to use vacation time for a doctor’s visit.
That evening, my friend (the other bride) and I both saw a post she had made on the message board saying how she had taken the afternoon off to get a makeover and then have beaudoir pictures taken. That was probably the most interesting “lung specialist” appointment I’ve ever heard of.
It gets better….a few days later, she–and I kid you not–posted the beaudoir pictures ON THE INTERNET. Now, she must have known that both my friend and I were on the same board as we had both made a few posts here and there. When we tried to bring up to our manager (also her manager) that maybe the sick leaves of the group should be looked at to make sure that we weren’t violating company policy, Anne threw a fit about how we were stalking her (she had not been mentioned in our request to our manager). But, as usual, nothing was done about it and, as far as I know, Anne is still posting soft-core porn photos of herself on the internet!
Coworker who comes from a former communist country and therefore has trust issues ingrained in his psyche such that every question is met with the initial response of, “Why do you need to know that?” Look, you’re not the fucking keeper of the grail, dipshit. Just tell me what I want to know so I can get my work done.
Oh oh! And email “read receipt” requester guy! Fine, you want to confirm when you send an important email that has legal ramifications or whatever… but not when you email me to thank me for sending you a report.
Or when you accept a meeting invite! THAT is what I am talking about. The ones who set their account so EVERY FUCKING e-mail is a read receipt request e-mail.
Even the ones that are like, ‘YOUR (sic) GODS PRECIOUS ANGEL. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW OR YOU WILL DIE LIKE A DEVIL IN HELL.”
I hate the coworker with the over exaggerated sense of self importance–always talking about how overworked she is and all I ever see her do is go on Facebook, and do random make work projects like post a list of empergency numbers by every phone and then talk about it like we should all be thankful to her for “handling everything”– like I’m pretty sure I can call 911 on my own, thanks.
AND I hate the coworker that opens a can of for lunch and stinks up the lunch room for the rest of the day. AND I hate the coworker who’s on a perpetual diet and talks about it ad nauseum and I’ve never seen her lose an ounce of weight.
Basically I hate every one.
The ones who do fish sticks in the company microwave…don’t get me started.
this. was. perfect.
especially the non-controversial, convtroversial gay guy. there’s also the ‘You’re asking/not asking/hating/not hating/passing me over/not passing me over because i’m black’ guy. and before anyone starts yelling at me i’m black so i’m freaking ALLOWED to say that.
i swear, every time i comment here i’m making black jokes.
DUDE.
That is a WHOLE ‘NOTHER SUBJECT.
My aunt’s kids are black (adopted), and I was out to dinner with them, and my aunt’s husband was all gross looking in a tanktop and we were in a fancy restaurant and were getting shitty service, and she’s all, “It’s probably because we’re black.”
Which, no. It’s probably because they don’t like Charlie, first of all.
And second of all?
YOU are not black.
YOUR KIDS are black.
You don’t get to say “We’re black.”
And before anyone starts yelling at ME about that, my kid is half black and I don’t get to say that I’m black as a result. I’m pretty sure. I checked the rule book.
i think i love you.
Fat, hairy, naked guy who works, then masturbates, then works again.
Oh fuck. That’s me.
That’s hot.
thanks Aunt Becky. Just spit my tea all over the screen.
Bwahaha. Mission Accomplished.
My boss is a hoarder in his office. He leaves remanants of his lunch in his office on the floor and refuses to use the trash can, which is SITTING BESIDE HIM! So gross.
The co-worker who walks over to ask me if I’ve gotten the email she just sent and then tells me what the email says. Thanks, but I can read Crazy.
And finally the co-worker who dials into her bosses conference calls, puts it on hold, on speaker phone while the muzak is blaring. If you ask her to turn it down from “concert volume” she says “I need it loud so if I get up from my desk I’ll hear it”. OMG
LOL…perfect post for me today. I just came home from work where I was ready to pull my hair out over the guy next to me. He has a really bad toupe’, a loud extrememly high pitched efeminite voice and was singing every damn top 40’s song that came on the radio. I nearly lunged for him for ruining a perfectly good Air Supply song!
I currently have the gum snapper, and a Hover Craft.
I haven’t decided which one is worse.
The gum snapper is at least 20 feet from my office, but yet I can hear each snap of gum perfectly, and it is every afternoon from 2 until 5.
The Hover Craft, will come into my office no matter what I am doing, and stand 2 inches away from my shoulder. If I do not acknowledge him, he will stand there until I do. Usually without speaking. Highly annoying.
Yesterday my co-worker/boss took off his pants and pissed all over his bed. Then he whined and cried while I cleaned it up.
Then today he sticks his hand one of those ball poppers and what do you know, his damn arm got fucking stuck in there. He screamed bloody murder the entire time I was trying to get it out.
Fuck! I need a new boss. This one is WAY to demanding.
I was going to comment on coworkers. But then I dropped a skittle and caught it in my armpit. I got distracted.
Boobies. My first day of work someone said “Has anyone spoken to you about your cleavage?”
(fuck. I swear that shirt wasn’t so low when I left the house)
It’s even more disturbing when the women (who are old enough to be your mother) are the ones checking out your boobs. And yes, I’m talking about women, as in more than one. Mind you, I don’t have particularly noteworthy boobs, nor do I display cleavage at work (you have to have cleavage to display it). Yet still they stare. And I squirm.
Ok, coworkers who annoy me are the ones who move at a snails pace. Come on, we work in a prison, if there is something happening on the camera, get up and move dammit!!
The Pregnant Princess. There’s been an influx of pregnant co-workers lately, most of them first timers. Each of them worked full time until two months before bub was born, maybe dropping back to 3-4 days a week for their final month, depending on doctor’s appointment. These women didn’t have it easy, either. One of them had morning sickness so bad she vomitted for the first five months. Another one had about three months of ‘all day’ sickness and an hour and a half commute each way. Regardless, they did their jobs and organised their schedules and projects so nobody else had to do them.
Not the Pregnant Princess. She’s about five months along, only works part time anyway, but she’s now taking a ‘rest day’ each week. Meanwhile, because she’s done fuck-all for the past year and half, she’s suddenly realised that all her projects need finishing before she leaves. Although I share an office with her, I don’t work for her. Except in her mind. In her mind, she’s far too pregnant to do her job and I’m just sitting around, waiting to do her ‘favours’. God forbid I say ‘Sorry, I’m busy that week’ (doing my actual fucking job, and yes, she asks for ‘favours’ with week-long studies). Then I’m stuck with twenty minutes of passive agressive complaining to random bystanders about how hard it will be to get her work done before she goes off to drop crotch fruit.
When the new mummies bring their bubs in, she will not stop yapping on about how special motherhood is and anyone who doesn’t breast feed is satan. ‘I don’t want to sound patronising’ she warbles, before saying something incredibly patronising, such as ‘only a mother would understand why we use baby monitors’. I can only assume her COMMON SENSE gene wasn’t activated until she fell pregnant and she’s still reeling from her new and wonderous ability to apply logic.
Wow, that was surprisingly catheric.
The can collectors! Who fight over the cans! Because their cause is the most worthy!!! Holy fuck.
The guy who can’t see the forest for the trees, who brings every issue down to minutia for dissection instead of letting a good airing of the issue result in a decision and commitment to move forward. Bastard people. I hate their ass faces.
Is cool water the official cologne of pervs? I did not know that.
Another guy to hate at work is the “you didn’t know that? guy” This is the DB who anytime u ask him a question or for assistance either says “you didn’t know that?” or “you don’t know how to do that? how long have you been working here?”
Also someone in need of an eye busting is the “X + 1” guy. THis is the guy who no matter what story you tell, he has to one up you. You went skiing for vacation, he went skiing and mountain climbing. You walked on the moon, he ran on the moon.
And last but not least, my fav person to hate is the guy who worked somewhere else b4 coming here and all he can ever talk about is how they “did it at my last job” and how everything we do here is wrong. and every now and then some doofus manager will implement one of this jagbag’s ideas and he gets a big ol feather in his cap.
oh yeah also hate work euphemism guy. he’s always saying crap like
1) feather in your cap
2) mission oriented
3) that’s a black eye for the department
4) we’re really under a microscope right now
5) ramp up (these guys always want to ramp stuff up)
OH MY GOD. I hate the EUPHEMISM GUY. I had a manager who was always saying shit like, “when life gives you lemons, Rebecca…” I was like, dude, I just got fucking STIFFED by that table. You want me to be philosophical now? BLOW ME.
Cool Water: the official cologne of date rapists.
Now you know.
Oh, the joy of coworkers. I have a long list of ire inducing retards at my job, who frequently make me want to punch someone, anyone. To make it worse, they all use these retarded workplace buzzwords like they’re in some sort of work cult. My least favorite: “Heavy lift.” They all say, “It’s not a heavy lift, it should be an easy task.” Do you know what IS a heavy lift? Dealing with these coworkers without causing them bodily harm. Oh, and all of the girls talk like Valley Girls. “Like, oh my god, I totally went to this bar last night, and like totally got SO wasted.” My head almost falls off with irritation.
Dude. This makes me so glad I work at home.
How about these coworkers?:
1. Guy who thinks that anyone else gives a fuck that he used to do undercover work
2. Guy who thinks that anyone cares that he personally own 12 rifles (note, you can only fire one at a time, and you aren’t a very good shot, douchebag)
3. Guy who thinks that the rest of us don’t know that he is aonly working in headquarters because he was sent there in disgrace because he totally blew the prosecution of a pedophile becasue his DOG ATE THE EVIDENCE! (what a tool)
4. Pregnant administrative assistant that constantly tells us (all men) about what a loser her boyfriend is (if he is such a loser honey, why are you haveing ANOTHER baby with this man?)
5. Perky new receptionist who is young enough to be my daughter who seems to delight in showing off her rather ample rack in a setting full of type-A horndog cops.
Bwahahahahahahaa! You see ALL kinds.
My father-in-law wears cologne like that. Lots of it. It rubs off onto my clothes and hair and makes me have to sneeze and vomit at the same time.
Cool Water is AWFUL. Blech.
Not much of a throat puncher…
more of a stab you in the eye with a plastic fork kind of a gal.
So this one goes out to the girl who reported me for having too much cleavage at work despite the fact that 2/3 of her pimply ASS crack is permanently hanging out of her size 6-billion pants. Yeah..
I’m guessing if we polled the clients, my crack would have more fans than hers. Just sayin’.
Man, she sounds HOT. AND bitchy as fuck. Who reports someone for that?
The co-worker who starts out talking in a normal voice and when then gets louder and louder as they talk becuase apparently the louder you are the easier it is for people to understand how wrong you are.
Ah, the Bow To My Alter of Your Wrongness People. Ha. Love them.
The people who constantly email you, management, and everyone and their frickin’ brother at 10 pm at night to prove they are dedicated brown nose workers. These are very likely the same people who reply to general global distribution list announcements by doing a “reply all” and all they say is “THANKS!!!!” WTF?
Oh there’s NOTHING more annoying than that. This is why I hate group projects. I love REPLY ALL emails if they’re amusing. Honestly.