Mommy Wants Vodka

Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People More Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross

July6

Aunt Becky: “Lookit my garden! I planted it full of things that sound like venereal diseases!”

The Daver: (laughs)

Aunt Becky: “You’re not going to melt in the sunlight out here, are you? I know you’re allergic to air.”

The Daver: “I’ll dart back inside when I feel I’m getting crispy.”

Aunt Becky (sighs happily): “Isn’t it pretty?”

The Daver: “Yes. But I feel like it needs…something.”

Aunt Becky: (stares at him)

The Daver: “Like an accent or something. It all looks so random.”

Aunt Becky: (stares at him)

The Daver: “You know, an accent.”

Aunt Becky: “Like a clown that pops out with his penis dancing to the YMCA?”

The Daver: “Well, that or a rock or something.”

Aunt Becky: “A ROCK?”

The Daver: “Yeah, or something.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ll get to work on the flamboyant clown.”

—————

(at the greenhouse)

Aunt Becky: “They have accent rocks, Daver.”

The Daver: “Nice.”

Aunt Becky: “But they all say lame shit like, ‘if you weren’t my mother, you’d be my best friend.'”

The Daver: (stares into his iPhone, playing Angry Birds)

Aunt Becky: “I want an accent rock that says, ‘GO THE FUCK AWAY.'”

The Daver: “That’d be classy.”

Aunt Becky: “Or ‘Shut Your Whore Mouth.'”

The Daver: “Even classier.”

Aunt Becky: “Accent rocks are bullshit.”

(time passes)

Aunt Becky: “What about a gigantic cross with a life-sized Jesus on it?”

The Daver: “No.”

Aunt Becky: “You’re bullshit.”

The Daver: (laughs)

Aunt Becky: “I guess you better get to work, hiring the flamboyant penis-dancing clown to live in our front garden, huh?”

The Daver: “Guess so.”

posted under Daddy's Little Girl Loves Disco

45 Comments to

“Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People More Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross”

On July 6th, 2011 at 9:59 am The Daver Says:
Clown’ll be at our house around 2:30 for an interview.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:02 am Liz Says:
Clowns scare me. They are creepy.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I hate you so hard it hurts.
On July 6th, 2011 at 11:26 pm The Humorsmith Says:
Why do you hate Liz?
On July 6th, 2011 at 11:27 pm The Humorsmith Says:
Oh…never mind….the Daver…okay
On July 7th, 2011 at 11:30 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Hahaha. Yeah. Daver. Not Liz!
On July 6th, 2011 at 11:06 am leanne Says:
Now this I’ve gotta see.
On July 6th, 2011 at 9:54 pm katrina Says:
i can’t stop laughing at the thought of this…..
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:00 am Brandon Says:
Accent rocks? Pfff… check this out. BEST garden decoration EVAR

You’re welcome.

~My Own Private Idaho~
On July 6th, 2011 at 11:02 am Ami Says:
lol. I love those little gnome bearers. Cracks me up. 😀
On July 6th, 2011 at 12:50 pm Kyddryn Says:
Ohmuhgoodness,I may need these to live.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K
On July 6th, 2011 at 7:59 pm Denise Says:
Love it!
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:01 am Liz Says:
I wonder if you can get a customized garden rock at cafe press – because you know you need something that expresses the Aunt Beckiness of your garden. How about a gnome in an innapropriate pose?
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:03 am SmartOneKym Says:
http://www.personalcreations.com/ProductSearch.aspx?REF=PCRSRCHgoogkwd_personalized%20garden%20stones_b&NoExitPopup=Y&MATCHTYPE=search&KEYWORD=personalized%20garden%20stones_b&ADTEXT=4919578619&NETWORK=google&prid=alextierb&q=stone

There ya’ go. You can get lots of them that say “Shut Your Whore Mouth,” then you’ll have some to throw stupid people.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:03 am The Mommy Therapy Says:
I bet you could find a professional penis dancing clown on Craigslist. I’m pretty sure it was designed to market things exactly like that.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:09 am Cindy Says:
Why can’t I have a husband that will interview penis dancing clowns for my garden? The Daver just makes me love AB more. Somebody please post pics of the clown. With his penis dancing.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:10 am irant Says:
I’m for hire. As a caveat, though: I have a very small penis. I make up for it with really big shoes …

K
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:27 am Cindy Says:
Dude, who CARES if your penis is small, can you make it DANCE?
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:13 am Audrey Says:
Dude. Get a rock and slap some paint on it that says “Shut Your Whore Mouth”. DONE.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:15 am JulieHG Says:
You HAVE to get a custom “Shut Your Whore Mouth” rock. You HAVE to!!! That would just add to the awesomeness that is you! You can even update your twitter pic to stand in front of it with your chain saw!!

http://www.customrockcreations.ca/Gallery.aspx?ID=9
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:16 am Caroline Says:
Dancing penis clowns might get you put on a sex predator/creepy neighbor list, but it’d be worth a laugh. Side note, I have never been too scared of the clowns until I saw an episode of Bones where the killer ran around in a clown mask.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:19 am Caroline Says:
What about The Skymall? You could put the the Belgium boy peeing statue.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:24 am Pamela Gold Says:
If there were accent rocks with “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH” on them, I’d line my driveway with ’em.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:29 am Cindy Says:
You are giving me ideas. My husband is a mason, now I need a shut your whore mouth accent mailbox
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:53 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Um. You’d best be making ME one too!
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:33 am CycleNinja Says:
How about a penis-dancing NASA ballerina? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lnqIxv5uTY&sns=em
On July 6th, 2011 at 9:58 pm katrina Says:
oh that is very freakish…..a big robotdick…..so that’s what NASA has been up to.
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:33 am CycleNinja Says:
How about a penis-dancing NASA ballerina? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lnqIxv5uTY&sns=em
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:43 am Chris in PHX Says:
I would pay up to $34.99 for a door mat that said “Go The Fuck Away”
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:44 am Joker_SATX Says:
What’s your address again?
On July 6th, 2011 at 10:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
You’d be PERFECT for this!
On July 6th, 2011 at 11:13 am heydave Says:
I will not live in your garden, oh no.
But you may rent me by the hour or for those truly festive occasions.
On July 6th, 2011 at 4:27 pm Beth Says:
Hell, why hire a clown – make him BE the clown!
On July 6th, 2011 at 8:22 pm Sarah Says:
And by rock, you mean boulder. Right? What’s the point of putting “Shut your whore mouth” on something if it can’t be seen two blocks away?
On July 6th, 2011 at 9:22 pm Angie Says:
If it weren’t for the kids I’d totally recommend planting random colored vibrators and such around the perimeter. The buzzing would scare the bejesus out of the rabbits, right!?
On July 7th, 2011 at 2:40 am Alexis Says:
My great-aunt and great-uncle have a grotto in their frint yard with a plater of Paris statue of the Blessed Virgin in white against a bright blue background. My parents are devout to smorgasbord (mom is devout, while dad is more smorgasbord) Catholics, but they are so freaked out by this display that they will no longer visit this particular set of relatives at home. We usually meet at mutual relative who live between our house and theirs. I think I should buy these relatives a life-sized cros cross complete with thorn-crowned ad suffering Jesus just to see if they;ll put it up in their grotto.
On July 7th, 2011 at 2:42 am Alexis Says:
I apologize for the typos in the previous post. The Klonopin alrady took effect. I’ll post before it hits next time. My mom typed this for me.
On July 7th, 2011 at 2:42 am Alexis Says:
I apologize for the typos in the previous post. The Klonopin alrady took effect. I’ll post before it hits next time. My mom typed this for me.
On July 7th, 2011 at 7:23 am John Says:
As I read “at the greenhouse,” I totally started singing that line, to the tune of “At the Car Wash” in my head.

The rest of the post was more difficult to lyricise.
On July 7th, 2011 at 8:43 am Mwa (Lost in Translation) Says:
I see how both the clown and Jesus would totally work, but I’m wondering how the penis dances to YMCA. Assuming this isn’t a double-penised clown, will he also be using one hand or maybe his ballsack? Practicalities have to be considered when your garden’s decoration is at stake.
On July 7th, 2011 at 9:30 am Dora Says:
I’ve always been partial to Mary on the half shell. 🙂
On July 7th, 2011 at 12:13 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:
The Internet has been around for a little while now… I feel confident someone out there has made a clown Jesus lawn ornament. Then, finally, your home can find peace.
On July 7th, 2011 at 1:42 pm Brooke Farmer Says:
I *totally* want an accent rock that says “Go the Fuck Away!” And I don’t even have a garden. I will just take it with me everywhere I go and set it on the floor next to where I sit and type.
On July 7th, 2011 at 3:07 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Dude. FUCK YES.
On July 7th, 2011 at 8:49 pm Brooke Farmer Says:
Kind of awesome, right? No matter how intense my desire for male attention gets, it pisses me the fuck off when I am *obviously* writing and trying to work on something that has nothing to do with them.

Do not hit on me when I am writing a novel. GO. THE FUCK. AWAY.

Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People *More* Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross

“Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People *More* Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross”

Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People More Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross

“Oh, Like The Clown Won’t Scare People More Than The Life-sized Jesus On The Cross”