Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Oh, But You WILL Be My New Fake Husband, David Cook. You Just Don’t Know It.


The Daver: “Baby, what’s wrong? You haven’t asked me all night how I rate your awesomeness level.”

Aunt Becky (despondently): “I’m just feeling…so…sad.”

The Daver: “Aw, why?”

Aunt Becky (listlessly draws in circles on table in front of her): “Well, I’m pretty sure that none of my television husbands even know I exist. I pine for Dr. House night after night, and still, he’s never even once responded to my advances.”

The Daver: “It’s just because he doesn’t know you.”

Aunt Becky: “And Dexter, DEXTER, Dave. I never thought I’d say that I wish I had a friend who was a serial killer, but I do. I want to have a friend who is a serial killer. Like Dexter! (pounds table) I want Dexter to be my friend!

The Daver: “Baby, if he knew you, he’d want to be your friend.”

Aunt Becky (looks up at him hopefully): “You really think so?”

The Daver: “Of course. Who WOULDN’T want to be friends with a creepy internet person who blogs about her television husbands?”

Aunt Becky: “When you put it like that, I mean, of COURSE he’d be my friend! I’m a shoo-in for his BEST friend. And then, I just know he’d want to marry me. It’s a very logical step.”

The Daver: “Clearly.”

Aunt Becky: “I think I need to expand my cadre of boyfriends to include some new genres. I’m thinking I need a rock-star boyfriend now.”

The Daver (has left the conversation and is busily typing on his Blackberry)

Aunt Becky: “I follow some on Twitter. Ice-T and David Cook. Those are my next boyfriends…(trails off)

Aunt Becky: “Look out, gentlemen, I have you in my sights. I’ll be the cheese to your macaroni. The Fun to your Fetti.”

The Daver: “Wait, I though it was just David Cook’s Fanclub that followed you on Twitter.”

Aunt Becky: “Semantics, Daver. Who gives a shit? Either way, he is my new boyfriend. *pumps fists* All that remains is me telling him that we are now officially dating. Also, did you know that David Cook was my best friend growing up? TRUE STORY. We shared the sandbox for years.”

The Daver: “And to think, you could have had fame and fortune…”

Aunt Becky: “Yeah, well, Twitter and I are getting the DISCO band back together just as soon as I get my vocoder. Then I, too, will be famous for being in our ALL GIRLS disco band.”

The Daver: “You go ahead with your dreams, baby. Don’t let anyone get in your way.”

Aunt Becky: “Are you…are you ROLLING YOUR EYES at me?”

The Daver: “I would never mock something you were so serious about. Your unrequited love for people who you don’t know that you’re going to go off and marry is one of those things I couldn’t DARE mock you for.”

The Daver: “Much.”

70 Comments to

“Oh, But You WILL Be My New Fake Husband, David Cook. You Just Don’t Know It.”

  1. On February 9th, 2010 at 10:51 am Janie Woods Says:

    ROFLMAO! I’m so lucky to know you!! *sigh Let’s see, a site that I would visit and rock out with my cock out…hmmmm

    Well, huh…Humor. Definite funny shit. No serious discussions like, “How do I tell my best friend I’m banging her favorite bartender instead of going yoga?” It’s got to be ironic, dry, witty, open, fun. Oh, and trashy yet tastefully decorated. Like the best looking yard in the trailer park…

  2. On February 9th, 2010 at 10:51 am 6512 and growing Says:

    I don’t even have a TV, but I have lots of imaginary friends too. I’m glad you can talk to your husband about such important matters.

    As always, you make me laugh!

  3. On February 9th, 2010 at 10:57 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    Personally, I think you should trade Dave Cook for DANE Cook. He’s funny, good looking and sort of has a band. Either way, I hope your TV boyfriends appreciate ya ;o)

  4. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:17 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Dave Cook is a good rock husband, but maybe you should consider him a starter husband, just in case.

    I like chatty vBulletin software style communities with forums and galleries for photos. But I spend most of my online time on digi scrap sites like that. I find the Ning software type to be harder to navigate. Probably because I am not used to them

  5. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:19 am Melissa Says:

    Someplace fun and full of the snark. Where you can point and laugh at people and they dont get all insulted and shit. Where they know we are making fun of their hair because we love them.

  6. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:22 am joann Mannix Says:

    David Cook is a hottie, hot man, even though he’s young enough to be my um, little brother. I am not growling or purring, not me, man.

    But, please stay away from my rock star man, Bono. He is my boyfriend. He has been my boyfriend since the days he wore his long hair in a ponytail down his back. He also does not know this, but one can only hope and dream for one day, one day…

  7. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:26 am Kori Says:

    I don’t know, the last time I was part of a community site I got booted off of it. Subtly, yes, but still very much asked to please get the fuck out. So, I doubt I would be joining another one no matter how cool you are. Which, of course, you ARE.

  8. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:28 am foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Neil Diamond once responded to me on Twitter. To paraphrase his remarks, he basically told me he couldn’t love me and perhaps I should back the hell up. Something like that. Your loss, Jazz Singer. Your loss.

  9. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:29 am Wicked Shawn Says:

    I would like a site where I can marry Jimmy Fallon and he cannot press an more charges. Those fucking police in LA are so touchy about everything. Seems the stalker laws in Cali are much stricter than in KY. Love of my life is fine with it, so, I will definitely be one of your loyals, just please help me snag the Jimmy. *swoon* You would think that since my hot ranking is far superior to his this would all be much simpler than it has been, I don’t understand where I have gone wrong here, really. BTW, please tell Dexter I said hi, he is really awesome!!!

  10. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:33 am Stephanie Says:

    Jam out with your clam out!

    Bex, if (scratch that: WHEN) you start a community site (not to be confused with a commune), I’ll so be there. I’ll make sure my TV husband knows he’d better have dinner on the table when I come home!

    On the serious, I’ve only had experience with Ning (cause I’m doing the {W}rite of Passage w/Mrs. Flinger), and I’m not sure about it. Somewhere one could link to her blog would be great – don’t wanna post on the community blog if I’m posting it on my own…

  11. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:48 am Kristin Says:

    Oh come on, Chris Daughtry is much sexier than David Cook. He should be your new husband.

  12. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:58 am KeepingYouAwake Says:

    This is a good community site! Look at all these commenters talking to each other and you and checking back to see if you’ve responded! It’s a miracle, Becky! A Christmas miracle!!! Wait a tick, what’s that?

    I believe you’ve just cured my cancer I thought I had!


  13. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:37 pm Melissa Says:

    How do you know we check back?

    Oh wait. Never mind.

  14. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:00 pm Fawn Amber Says:

    David Cook is my rock star boyfriend…May I point you in the direction of Keith Urban instead? I mean, he isn’t rock technically but with all that ink? He is DELISH. And you’re totally cuter than Nicole Kidman.

  15. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Paperdiva Says:

    Just as long as you stay away from my tv boyfriend, Gilles Marini, I can support your love of David Cook. I imagine you could teach him a thing or two;)
    P.S. I would totally hang out with Dexter.

  16. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:25 pm Brooke Says:

    Buahahahah!! You crack me up as always. As long as you don’t try to steal my TV husband, Chef Duff (and yes, I call him “Chef Duff. He thinks it’s hot), I don’t care what you do with your community site. We’ll come and stay all day, me and Chef Duff, with our cakes.

  17. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:28 pm MamaCas Says:

    I don’t have a cock. Can I still rock out?

  18. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:31 pm existentialwaitress Says:

    Now you’ve inspired me to go follow Ice T on twitter just for the hell of it.

  19. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Sunny Says:

    I went to high school with someone named David Cook, not the idol guy. He was smart, and pretty nice when you got to know him. I don’t know about his sense of humor, though. You guys might not be a good pair.

    What was the question again?

  20. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:36 pm Jen Says:

    I don’t know who David Cook is, but you make him sound so good!

  21. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:47 pm Cara Says:

    Jax from Sons of Anarchy *swoon*

    Its no wonder I married a tatted up Harley mechanic. He has a job where he wears a suit to the office now, but I know my dirty mechanic is under there somewhere.

    Community site…hmmmm. I think humor will be the key.

  22. On February 9th, 2010 at 12:50 pm The Crazy Suburban Mom Says:

    To be serious – I’d follow your community site because it’s your site and Whoa! too damn funny and I love that. I’m not surprised often, same old same old it the norm and when something new crosses my eyeballs, I’ll follow ya anywhere…

    So there ya go. My answer.


  23. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Mwa Says:

    Oh, Dr House. I pine for him so.

  24. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:11 pm Delicia Says:

    Mmmmmm Duff…. that man is cute as a button and CAN COOK!!

    I don’t really have a TV husband cause I don’t watch TV but if I did have a rocker husband it would be Weird Al.

  25. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:22 pm Mel Says:

    Could we share David Cook. He was my boyfriend, then he won American Idol and had to record that lame song, then we broke up, because I never hear from him. Although, he did release that sad-man song, that is slightly stalkerish. But I digress.

    Can you build the community site here?

  26. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:24 pm Nancy C Says:

    Twitter follower? That’s almost like being married already…

  27. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:25 pm Anjali Says:

    Dr. House is mine, damnit. Stay away from him.

    There is nothing sexier than a limp…

  28. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:52 pm amber Says:

    Okay, first of all, I love the word “tenterhooks.” It simply isn’t used often enough, in my humble opinion.

    As for the community site? It just needs to be frequented by women (or men) I like (without all the crazy, girl-stabbing crap that happen so often), with no peer pressure and stimulating conversation.

    In other words, the kind that would be possible if everyone here got together somewhere.

    Oh, and you can have David Cook. But keep your hands off Jon BonJovi. We’ve been secretly married for years now.

  29. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:52 pm Rebecca Says:

    Community site….humm, something that is easy to navigate… on one side of the page, links to navigate within the page on the top………Something that you don’t necessarily have to sign up for..but maybe, however, NO e-mail’s unless you actually check the boxes to get them……..(most community sites sign you up as soon as you join the site and you get dozens of e-mails)

  30. On February 9th, 2010 at 1:54 pm Choleesa Says:

    ok, Dr. House told me he wasnt married. He said I was the only one…That SOB, anywhoo, the community site should DEFINITELY be funny, and inviting, like one of the above said….the best lawn in the trailer park, and we HAVE to know that you read us. No one wants to go somewhere where the hostess dosnt make you want to return…

  31. On February 9th, 2010 at 2:03 pm BigSis Says:

    Except for the eye roll, I’d say the Daver is pretty supportive. That’s cool!

  32. On February 9th, 2010 at 2:06 pm Alicia @bethsix Says:

    Your TV husbands have got to pine for you, but you know it wouldn’t be good for them PROFESSIONALLY to be so OFF THE MARKET.

    I’ve been on a lot of community sites, and the best ones, I think, are ones where you can actually get to know the other people, so… not too huge or smaller groups or whatever… focused around something we all have in common. Like OUR DEVOTION TO BECKY HARKS.

  33. On February 9th, 2010 at 2:40 pm bashtree Says:

    I only go to community sites when we have something in common, like maybe a goal? I get really bored of the community sites that are like ‘oh, here, let’s set up a forum and everybody gripe.’ Maybe that’s not helpful. Maybe I suck a little bit 🙂

    David Cook, really? I feel like you could do WAY better. I’m not seeing that one.

  34. On February 9th, 2010 at 2:41 pm Miss Spoken Says:

    I hate to state the obvious Aunt Becky, but you DO have a friend that’s a serial killer. How many times have I invited you over to see my rope collection or the industrial strength eye bolts I personally screwed into the floorboards? I mean, really ….

  35. On February 9th, 2010 at 2:57 pm Jennifer B Says:

    What exactly IS a community site and why do we need one? I mean, I’ll stalk/follow you anywhere Aunt Becky, but I’ve got a little too much on my plate as it is and I may not have much time for another site. Certainly, I don’t do much “hanging out” on any site except kinda sorta facebook, but really it just takes a while to get through all the updates, especially when they keep playing the “change the layout to confuse everyone” game. But whatever. I’m still down for the disco gig. My hustle is revved up and waiting.

  36. On February 9th, 2010 at 4:24 pm Brooke Says:

    What?!? Apparently I have been gone for way to long. A DISCO twitter community? What is this and how do I get in. Because I heart disco more than is humanely sane, and have since I was like 9, which is rediculous. I need details, Aunt Becky. DETAILS! Muah!

  37. On February 9th, 2010 at 4:27 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    OK, Aunt Becky, you know I love you, but I have to respectfully disagree with you about David Cook. Because, I’m sorry, but you cannot refer to anyone that has won “American Idol” as a ‘rock star.’ He can be your boyfriend, but rock? >bzzzzzzz!!!!!< (That's an obnoxious sounding buzzer, by the way.)

    'Rock star' and 'American Idol' are mutually exclusive.

    @amber, I hate to disappoint you, but Jon BonJovi is married already. To me. He's one of my rock-star man-harem. Along with Jack Blades and Peter Frampton, among others. I'm greedy, what can I say?

  38. On February 9th, 2010 at 5:00 pm Chris in Phx Says:

    Just keep your paws of of Detective Elliot Stabler on Law and Order SVU…weve been going steady for like 3 years. I’d hate to have to cut a bitch for sniffing around my man.

  39. On February 9th, 2010 at 5:26 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    I, too, have a thing for TV doctors: Dr. McDreamy, Dr. Drew are my faves. Plus that hottie over at Tough Love Boot Camp.

    And I would also love to hang out with Cam from Modern Family.

  40. On February 9th, 2010 at 5:49 pm Gunfighter Says:

    But… but… you already have a BFF that you can easily have as a pretend boyfriend/husband (sex slave). One that carries a gun and is known as a badass among badasses… who is particularly good with children!

    What I am saying, Becky is: “What about me, baby?”

    (sorry Daver… no disrespect)

  41. On February 9th, 2010 at 6:10 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Why don’t I have crazy internet women trying to be my wife?

  42. On February 9th, 2010 at 6:26 pm Melissa Says:

    Do you want to be my Internet husband SciFi? I will talk dirty to you…

  43. On February 10th, 2010 at 8:32 am InsolentBitch Says:

    Because a good stalker knows how to be mysterious. Which is why Aunt Becky’s husbands don’t know about her — yet. When the time is right she will pounce, just like your hoards of admireres will. Trust me on this one, my friend. I am pretty sure you have approximately 30 women right now trying to decide on what colors to have in your wedding and what you will name your children. Creepy? Yes. Flattering? Kind of. Awesome? Fuck yeah.

  44. On February 9th, 2010 at 6:50 pm Lisa Says:

    Oh My Goodness! You used CADRE and GENRE in the same sentence. You deserve any husband you want because you rock! Plus you are hilarious, so even if you weren’t a genius you would still deserve your choice of new husband!

    Speaking of creepy Dexter (sorry, I know you love him), I have a chilling true story. My daughter’s 11 year old friend had her guinea pig cage in the garage so the BELOVED piggie could get some fresh air. (It is beautiful weather in Texas now – usually) A neighborhood boy – an elementary aged Dexter – put his little dog in the cage to see what would happen. Of course the dog killed the guinea pig, and the poor little girl is devastated! Can you imagine?

  45. On February 9th, 2010 at 6:53 pm Krissa Says:

    Nude pictures of David Cook, maybe?

  46. On February 9th, 2010 at 7:03 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Oh! To be the Fun to someone’s Fetti!

  47. On February 9th, 2010 at 7:25 pm Carissajaded Says:

    Ummm I can’t wait for your community!! I think that nude pics of ALL your tv boyfriends are in order!!!

  48. On February 9th, 2010 at 8:01 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I want to be friends with Dexter, too.

  49. On February 9th, 2010 at 8:36 pm flutter Says:

    Oh, The Daver. He’s dreamy

  50. On February 9th, 2010 at 9:02 pm Angie Says:

    At this Recipient of Fan Mail stage of your career, I know you hardly need to hear this from anyone else, but I have to say it anyway: Sometimes it is worth getting out of BED in the morning, just to see what you have to say. Seriously. Ya gotta love yer Aunt Becky fix.
    Angie at Eat Here

  51. On February 9th, 2010 at 9:04 pm Cat Says:

    Nude pics, nude pics, nude pics! Maybe not of House, but if it comes with other boys…

  52. On February 9th, 2010 at 9:33 pm Fanning Flashes Says:

    I’m a little concerned about your wish to be afriend and possibly a wife to Dexter…remember the season ending did not fare well for spouses?! As for your question on a community blog…I like humor but am sure I will be happy with whatever you decide.

  53. On February 9th, 2010 at 9:46 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    The boys that I typically want to have as my boyfriends are all under age. Like David Archuletta.

    I’m such a perv.

  54. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:45 pm InsolentBitch Says:

    Community site wish list? Oh let’s see here. Well, to start, it must be easy to navigate. I want to log in and instantly know what to do and where to go.

    Less ads more porn.

    I want moderation privileges, because I want to be able to ban anyone who causes drama or types “lolz”. Or anyone who has a user name like “*~*cutegurl696969*~*”.

    You know how in some places if you type a profane word it says “*****” or something that bleeps it out? Well, if a troll types something like “you suck” I want it to show up as “I have a hearing loss and a hump on my back but I still think I have a chance with Aunt Becky because I can fuck myself with my own cock” or something like that. That would be rad. I would personally become a troll for that sole purpose.

    I think that does it for now. I will fax you the rest of my 13 page list.

    I can’t wait to jam out with our clams out. I’ve been stalking you for years now (lurking sounds too creepy), so I will love anything you put together.

    PS: If I learn to play a mean synthesizer can I join the band? Please?

  55. On February 9th, 2010 at 11:45 pm Suzy Says:

    Firstly – LMAO that you call it VD day too. I was typing a reply to someone the other day and was trying to be quick so abbreviated pretty much anything I could. In talking about Vaentines day I wrote VD. Then saw it. Giggled. Giggled some more. Became slightly hysterical. Then erased it and made it V-Day. All the while thinking in my own head that it looked like it could stand for Vagina Day. Which really, why isn’t there a vagina day? Celebrating the awesomeness of the vagina. On that note I saw a puppet show recently with a giant red silk vagina. There arent enough vaginas in puppetry.

    Oh my now I’ve gone off on a tangent again. In my defence, its incredibly hot here and I possibly have heat stroke.

    I have no idea who this David Cook is but I’m sure if he knew you existed he would totally want to marry you too.

    As for the community site, as long as all these ^^ awesome people are there, and you show up occasionally, it’ll be full of the awesome. Somewhere where slightly vulgar, sarcastic, witty people congregate and can poke fun at themselves and not take life too seriously…that’s where I would be :o)

    Oh and Stephanie? Jam out with your clam out should totally be the community site’s slogan.

  56. On February 10th, 2010 at 9:28 pm Stephanie Says:

    You’re welcome! 🙂

  57. On February 10th, 2010 at 10:48 am Quiet Dreams Says:

    I really want Dexter to be my friend, too. Really.

  58. On February 10th, 2010 at 10:53 am Christina (Apron Strings) Says:

    This is just another reason we should be friends-we’d never fight over the same guy. David Cook, really?

  59. On February 10th, 2010 at 1:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    He’s my husband, what can I say?

  60. On February 10th, 2010 at 12:20 pm SoccerMom Says:

    I vote that you have some “laugh my ass off”, funny non-PG shit. For those of us that need a break from reality once in awhile.

  61. On February 10th, 2010 at 1:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Reality is overrated. And this comment made me smile. I needed it today. Thank you.

  62. On February 10th, 2010 at 12:23 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    I AODRE Dexter. And you are so right, he is just the coolest ever and the most likeable serial killer. Greatest show. Good taste. David Cook not so much.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  63. On February 10th, 2010 at 2:12 pm Phebe Says:

    I play disco on my radio show. I love disco. You can dance to it, sing along with it, make love to it…it’s like…THE song genre of AWESOME!!!

    You should stream disco on your community site, and i will become a member of the disco community, and even invest in some shiny plastic bell-bottoms. With glitter (don’t ask why I don’t have them already. I don’t know.)

  64. On February 10th, 2010 at 8:13 pm mumma boo Says:

    I knew Dr. House was cheating on me. Damn him. I guess I will just have to *settle* for David Boreanz.

    The community site should be full of the snark and easy to navigate. Other than that, rock on with your bad self, Becks. It’ll be awesome.

  65. On February 10th, 2010 at 9:29 pm Stephanie Says:

    Hey hey hey…Boreanaz is mine.

    But I’m willing to share.

  66. On February 10th, 2010 at 10:27 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    ANd I just had to go look up who david cook is because i am that old and boring. But because he is your new boyfriend I will learn to like him.

  67. On February 11th, 2010 at 10:39 pm Wendy at Mama Act Says:

    Why the hell would anyone choose a TV husband. I have a husband. One’s enough. I want a TV fling. A TV affair. A TV hotter than the sun crazy insane trip to Tahiti grass huts roll in the sand drinks with no umbrellas tryst. I’d suggest one of the men from LOST.

  68. On February 13th, 2010 at 2:29 pm Will Says:

    Um – all other obstacles aside, (I mean not that there are many)- isn’t he gay?

  69. On February 13th, 2010 at 2:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No. He can’t be gay! NO! He simply…CAN’T BE GAY!

  70. On March 12th, 2010 at 11:55 am i’m in big trouble Says:

    […] of the female bloggers I worship wherein they talked about celebrity crushes. like this one from mommy wants vodka or this one from […]

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