Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Of Party Dresses And Pinafores


When I was growing up and people other than me bought my clothes, my paternal grandmother would mark every special occasion with a new fancy party dress. Luckily for me, despite my mother’s best efforts, I remained a girly-girl and not the tomboy she wanted me to be, so the dresses were a smash hit. I remember the yards of ribbons, lace and itchy, yet beautiful netting underneath. I remember fondly the stockings and the patent leather shoes and feeling just beautiful when I wore it all.

I couldn’t wait to carry that tradition on with my own daughter.

Because I am a freak of nature, I decided to wait until my daughter was born (and therefore it was a bigger pain in the asshole to get away) to settle on her first dress, an Easter dress. Easter is one of my favorite times of year, one of the only times that Chicago-land weather stands a chance at being remotely temperate and not Ass Cold or Ass Hot.

(Why YES, those are technical terms! Didn’t you know I have a degree in meteorology? Because I totally don’t.)

But Amelia was born and she had a spot on the back of her head that reminded me every time that I saw it of a bad spot on an apple. You know, the rotted bit? Not exactly the mental picture you want when you have a new baby, trust me, I know.

And because at any given time, none of us knew what the hell was REALLY going on with her–was she going to live? Die? Turn into a Jonas Brother? NO ONE WOULD TELL US–until after her surgery, we were in a constant state of limbo. I hate to harp on this, really I do, because I know so many people who have had real problems with their offspring and while I know now that her surgery really was fake brain surgery (sort of. Kind of. It was still brain surgery) and not nearly as frightening as we’d been led to possibly perhaps maybe sort of believe, I didn’t back then.

(still waiting on that pathology report. Want that pathology report)

So the things that comforted me while she still had her rotten spot were few and far between and I spent those four weeks alternating between Freaking The Fuck Out A Lot <---> Freaking The Fuck Out A Weensy Bit Less Than A Lot. Had this brain surgery been STAT, while it would have sucked for a couple of days, it was nothing compared to sitting around and wondering and waiting and not getting any answers. Because that, my internet lovers, sucks more.

I had, in no particular order, these things to comfort me: my friends in the computer, white cupcakes, Valium, and my word search books (shut up. I am not an old woman). The most important thing, though, was imagining a life post surgery, something I didn’t really want to do often lest I jinx it and kill her by thinking positively. Yes, it was magical thinking, and no, I couldn’t stop it no matter how berserk it sounds.

But I’d imagine two things: shopping for an Easter dress and bonnet for my daughter and planning her debut party.

And yesterday, the Gods smiled upon me.

Because there is this:

And something like this:

(Not, obviously, the same cake. This was Alex’s first birthday cake which neatly shows my cake fetish. And we are rapidly approaching Alex’s second birthday. Which is going to happily coincide with Amelia’s Debut Party. April 19, party people. Save the mother-humping date!)

It’s going to be one hell of a celebration.


Oh, and I must add, while I thank you for all of your kind comments about the picture of me in that post, that is another old picture. Because I am still about 25-30 pounds up from that and am horrified by pictures of myself, I refuse to show you what I look like today. BECAUSE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE INTERNET DIDN’T FIND ME SEXXY?

41 Comments to

“Of Party Dresses And Pinafores”

  1. On March 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm Sarah Says:

    Jenn beat me to it, but it bears repeating! The Internet will always find you sexxxy. Love the dress, can’t wait for pictures of Amelia IN IT and the newest manifestation of your cake obsession, which my daughter and I share.

  2. On March 8th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Jenn Says:

    I will always find you sexy! 😉

    I’m glad you got to buy that Easter dress. xoxo

  3. On March 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm heather Says:

    Bring on the ruffles and frill! And CAKE! Oh, sweet, sweet cake. Now. For pictures of wee Amelia IN the frills, please.

  4. On March 8th, 2009 at 1:16 pm ainebegonia Says:

    Sexy isn’t the package but what’s in it, so you will always be sexy to the internet. The dress is darling and while I love dressing up my girls in pretty little dresses and what not, I can’t stand the things on me. My mom had wanted the girly-girly type and she ended up with 3 girls that hate dresses and would rather climb a tree or play ball than have a tea party. Hopefully Amelia will be the girly-girly you want and you will have years of dress up fun.

  5. On March 8th, 2009 at 1:26 pm g Says:

    Ooooo little girly clothes are almost as good as cupcakes! Love it, I think she needs 4 outfit changes. Can you work that out and post pix, kk thx bye!

    You are always sexxy even with seckzie swollen feet.

  6. On March 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm Rebel Says:

    Well KMA, I think your HOT!!!!

    I Love that outfit to!! It is so classy and girlie!!!


  7. On March 8th, 2009 at 2:49 pm a Says:

    The outfit is adorable, but with 2 older brothers, you should probably get that girly idea out of your head now. I was much more of a jeans and tshirts kind of girl, and now my daughter wants to put on her little ballerina outfit every time I open the closet. Sigh.

  8. On March 8th, 2009 at 3:50 pm Heather R. Says:

    Pft I’d do ya in a heartbeat, but since I value my life I will back away before you kill me.

    The dress is darling! I hope she likes it and doesn’t raise hell cuz I want some cute pics!

  9. On March 8th, 2009 at 3:26 pm Eva Says:

    Omigod that outfit!

  10. On March 8th, 2009 at 3:34 pm Danielle Says:

    I posted a VERY unsexy picture of me on my blog. Pretty sure I was HUNGOVER from partaking in a wee bit too much wine the night before..woopsies. So in turn, you SHOULD post a picture of you. That dress is adorable! I can’t wait for the pictures of Alex’s birthday party and her debut party…WOOOTHETHEMOTHERFUCKINHOOO!!!!!!

  11. On March 8th, 2009 at 3:38 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Love the dress, love the pantaloons. All she needs now is a kick-ass Easter bonnet.
    And your mission, Aunt Becky, should you choose to accept it, is to get yourself a new dress – and not from the maternity department. Going up a size (or 2) is allowed. I suggest something in navy, with some navy and white spectator pumps. But, WTF, no one is going to be looking at you anyway – they’re all going to be looking at the baby!

  12. On March 8th, 2009 at 4:00 pm AlmostMrsJoyner Says:

    The outfit..omg!! Too much and we MUST see Miss Amelia in it..Also, the cakes, amazing! Makes me want to re-do my wedding cake all over again…Also Aunt B, because you are SO amazing, I nominaed you for an award..Head to blog and see it!

  13. On March 8th, 2009 at 4:04 pm Io Says:

    Ohhhh…lace and ruffles and pretty things! Dress her while you can!

  14. On March 8th, 2009 at 4:05 pm Io Says:

    Oh, and I can’t imagine you holding back on anything, but I would be beyond honored to have a post about your vaginal issues dedicated to me.

  15. On March 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm Trish Says:

    I am so glad that things turned out well for your family. While I like the dress, I have to say I am a bit suprised to discover that you are a frills and lace kind of girl. Still, the dress is pretty. I really love the cakes that you have. Do you make them, or buy them somewhere?

  16. On March 8th, 2009 at 4:57 pm Heather P. Says:

    AWW!! What a sweet little dress-can’t wait to see pictures of her in it(hint-hint)!
    OH I totally wasn’t thinking but since Alex and Amelia are still so small, you can order them all kinds of cute matching outfits from
    Orient Expressed
    The Wooden Soldier
    Strasburg Children
    I love Orient Expressed and Wooden Soldier-I used to use them both for Paddycake until he grew too big:-(.

  17. On March 8th, 2009 at 4:58 pm Heather P. Says:

    Oh and I am still praying for a good path report.

  18. On March 8th, 2009 at 6:55 pm Stacey Says:

    That is an adorable dress, can’t wait to see Amelia in it! While I love my sons & couldn’t imagine having a daughter now I do really miss the ability to frilly up a baby or little girl. One of my friend’s daughters is the recipient of all my frillying desires, which the daughter just loves but mom is a former skater punk & just doens’t get the ribbons & netting thing.

    I hope you her good news from the path report very soon!

  19. On March 8th, 2009 at 7:00 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Oh, baby, chicks who do word search puzzles are SEXXXY! Take it from me, the chick who itches to do her crossword puzzles every day. Turbo hot!

    Your outfit choice for Amelia is adorable. Love the pants! I think I will call them pantaloons, though, in honor for our wordy hobbies!

  20. On March 8th, 2009 at 7:32 pm baseballmom Says:

    Ohhhh, my gosh. Makes me want a girl…

  21. On March 8th, 2009 at 8:51 pm mumma boo Says:

    That dress is way too cute! Can’t wait to see pics of her in it! What will Alex’s cake be this year? And you will always be sexy to us. 😉 *sizzle*

  22. On March 8th, 2009 at 8:57 pm andria Says:

    April 19. I can’t forget that date. Elizabeth will be TWO.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog. It cheered me to know Jake has people in his corner. Oh, and the vision of you shaking those crappy women.

  23. On March 8th, 2009 at 9:20 pm kalakly Says:

    So, so glad you got to enjoy a little shopping fest for your girlie, girl. She’ll be picture perfect no doubt and then spit up all over it right before you actually get to take the picture…but at least THIS year it’s breast milk so it won’t show. Next year it’ll be the red or orange goop all over the white dress no doubt:)

  24. On March 8th, 2009 at 10:34 pm excavator Says:

    Squeal! That Easter dress is going to make people swoon.

    I want that pathology report too.

  25. On March 9th, 2009 at 6:02 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Very cute dress. (I got an Easter outfit for each gender before my daughter was born – we didn’t find out if she was a girl or boy – and ended up returning both sets because she was born after Easter and neither outfit fit her – she was 9lbs 6oz and I bought Gap “newborn”.)

    I too, hope you get the report back soon.

  26. On March 9th, 2009 at 7:12 am Kendra Says:

    Fist, you’re just beautiful. And I bet you look 1000 times better than you think. Plus, you’re photogenic, and that makes a huge difference (doesn’t matter what I look like in the mirror; in a picture, I will look like a healf dead whale with bad hair).

    And that is the cutest outfit ever. I adore the pantaloons! It is, much like my daughter (who just had her first birthday) in her heart-shaped sunglasses, so cute it hurts a little! And I hope she enjoys the frills and lace for a while. I also had two boys and then a girl, and I am amazed, as someone who never liked the stuff much myself, how nuts I am for the pinks and purples and frills and sundresses and bonnets and… I could go on for an embarrassingly long time. But my theory is that between me princessing the hell out of her and her brothers, well, being boys, she ought to find herself somewhere in the middle. And when she’s old enough to fight back about her clothes, then we can worry about how frilly they need to be!

  27. On March 9th, 2009 at 8:19 am SCY Says:

    I’m sure you’re way HAWTER than you’re letting on 😉 you little tease you…

    Those pantaloons are to.die.for! Too cute for words – we’re gonna have to see a pic with them on the gorgeous child as well now you know…


  28. On March 9th, 2009 at 8:25 am Lola Says:

    I like fat chicks 😉 Very cute outfit!

  29. On March 9th, 2009 at 9:58 am magpie Says:

    The cake is the bomb – and the dress is pretty damned cute.

  30. On March 9th, 2009 at 9:18 am Kristine Says:

    Beautiful dress! I love little girl clothes. Thank god for my niece.

  31. On March 9th, 2009 at 10:20 am Susan Says:

    The Easter outfit is glorious! Can’t wait to see her in it. I could plant my face right in the middle of that cake…

  32. On March 9th, 2009 at 11:15 am Coco Says:

    Baby, you are sexy no matter what you weigh and that is the God’s-honest truth.

    Also? Amelia’s Easter outfit is so freaking adorable I can barely stand it. You must post pictures of her in it so I may melt and squee over her cuteness.

    Sending continued vibes for a squeaky clean pathology report your way.

  33. On March 9th, 2009 at 1:18 pm Betts Says:

    What a gorgeous dress. My daughter hearts fancy dresses. She’d wear them every day if I let her. We have more fancy dresses (bought at thrift stores) than we have occasions to wear them. You’ll have a closet full of them before you know it. I hope she’s a girly-girl and not a tom-boy because you’ve got enough “boy” in the house.

  34. On March 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm heather Says:

    Um, have you seen Madagascar 2 yet? Because……
    I like ’em round….I like ’em chunky!
    Don’t be embarrassed by a little baby fat, seriously.

  35. On March 9th, 2009 at 2:51 pm colleenfalling Says:

    Glad you can start planning now. She is going to look so CUTE come Easter Sunday.

    I have the same thing where my Grandma would buy me a pretty outfit every Easter & I surprised myself by doing it for my son’s first Easter last year. I am excited about keeping up the tradition.

  36. On March 9th, 2009 at 7:28 pm mandy Says:

    oh that would SO never happen, you know that!

    Gorgeous dress, luv it. Hate the one I got for my daughter now though. Thanks.

  37. On March 10th, 2009 at 6:30 am Badass Geek Says:

    I haven’t seen you in person, so I can’t vouch for you specifically. However, your words are sexxy.

  38. On March 10th, 2009 at 10:36 am honeywine Says:

    Ok, WHERE can I get that in my size??? I need one! I so do! 🙂

  39. On March 11th, 2009 at 9:27 am Nancy Says:

    I love, love, love that outfit! Can I find it online anywhere? My cousin’s daughter is having a baby soon and I may need to buy that for her!

  40. On March 13th, 2009 at 2:45 am Pamela J. Says:

    OMG – a “Debut Party”? That is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life.

  41. On August 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm Rebecca Says:

    That dress is so completely cute. I’m so completely excited that my daughter loves dresses. She’s 4. I hope she loves them forever. Now she sometimes refuses to get dressed unless I let her wear a dress. “Mommy if you don’t let me wear a dress then everybody won’t know I’m a royal princess”

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