Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Objects In Mirror May Be Older Than They Appear


Being a grown-up is bullshit.

1) Replacing the windows in your house brings you to higher orgasmic heights than your last, well, orgasm.

2) You become very interested in the state of the new grass growing in your front yard. So much so that you will use any excuse to make people go and look at it. People. Like the mailman. Or a random jogger.

3) You own a designated Puke Bucket.

6) You refer to the hardware store as the happiest place on earth.

11) Bra-less, your breasts appear to be two oranges in tube socks. This alarms you less than it should.

23) You don’t drink to get sloppy, you drink because you “like the taste.”

47) Between the Teacher’s Institute Days, the celebration of Columbus’s Taint, International Ballpoint Pen Day, and obscurely PC-named weeks off, you’re not entirely sure your child actually attends school. Ever.

106) Once you get the kids to bed, your racy thoughts turn to ugly pajamas and television. When your spouse turns to you with “that look” in his eye, your only real response is a resonating sigh.

235) Tax refunds are no longer spent on a Hot Wing Tour of the US, but used to replace a door. A door, I should add, that while not entirely functional, is not broken.

551) You become irate at those stupid fucking teenagers driving up and down the street at Mach 8. So much so that you have a collection of golf-balls ready to lob at their cars.

1301) Your major selling point when purchasing a new mobile phone is no longer, “What games can it run,” but rather “Does it have a calendar? What about silent setting for meetings, Oh and does it synch with my linked-in?”

3159) Your idea of a “good time” involves reading a book about famous mathematicians.

7741) When you’re out past 9 PM, you’re all, “HOLY SHIT it’s LATE.”

19320) You begin to buy plants based upon the time of year that they bloom rather than, “does the name sound like an STD?”

What are some other signs you’re getting old, Pranksters?

(I’ve been up half the night playing Barf in Buckets, so my brain is a little fried)

35 Comments to

“Objects In Mirror May Be Older Than They Appear”

  1. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:15 pm Laura B. Says:

    -You get all excited about wooden clothes hangars! No more cheapo wire jobbies. No sir, not for the adult in this house!

    – you have a “financial advisor” or “mortgage specialist” or “banker” that you know by name.

    (note: the wooden hangars were free. Free stuff will never get old).

  2. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:16 pm Bitchin' Amy Says:

    Gah. SO TRUE. Except for that one about mathematician books…. I cannot get down with that one at all.

  3. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:24 pm Lex Says:

    Wow; I FEEL this list (especially 106).

  4. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:29 pm Aja Lynn Says:

    Well first off, thanks a lot for bringing the fact that I am in fact a grown-up, to my attention. Ignorance was bliss … the truth is, well, like you said, bullshit. COMPLETE bullshit.

    Damn, it’s too early to drink. OH CRAP! Another sign that I’m an adult … it’s too early to drink. Sigh …

    Thanks a lot.

  5. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:41 pm Fallah Says:

    -When you have a serious discussion at work about grout. During your break/downtime. You do not work in construction.
    -You get home from your actual job and immediately use your free time to mow your lawn and/or weedwhack because “the yard is out of control.” (This only applies to home/condo owners).
    -You actually enjoy receiving clothing, kitchen supplies and small appliances as gifts. (My handvac is one of the best gifts I’ve received recently. Thanks Mom!)
    -You only go out drinking/dancing for bachelor/bachelorette parties
    -You are getting invited to more birthday parties for your nieces/nephews/friends’ kids than for your actual friends
    -You actually host or attend a brunch. And enjoy it.

  6. On May 2nd, 2012 at 1:52 pm Michelle Says:

    Here’s another reason: You actually enjoy getting carded when you buy alcohol, even though no one really asks anymore. When ordering, your like, “Do you need to see my ID?” all chipper bc you think that you still look like you co-Ed days.

  7. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:01 pm Melissa Says:

    Two words – Facial Hair

  8. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:20 pm Allison Says:

    -Your socks haven’t matched since the last presidential administration and nobody has cared.-
    You spend a hundred dollars on the Super Deluxe Awesome Extreme version of the video game.
    -You buy swords and your mother can’t stop you.
    -All the Doritos in the house are the kind you like.
    -You make cupcakes at two o’clock in the morning.
    -You go to the store at one-thirty in the morning for cupcake mix and the kind of Doritos you like.

  9. On May 3rd, 2012 at 12:17 am Tegan Says:

    This is not “old” my 18 year old niece does this shit…..

  10. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:35 pm mingomom Says:

    you have a “dream refrigerator” you want to own.

  11. On May 3rd, 2012 at 8:48 am Terry Says:

    LOL! YES! I have a dream washer and dryer set too. The first time I truly felt old was sitting around discussing the merits of the in-dryer shelf.

  12. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:43 pm Neeroc Says:

    -You bring people to your laundry room to admire your new laundry set.
    -Your Saturday morning involves reading the fliers and planning out your grocery shopping route (this can be pre-planned anytime after the fliers arrive Thurs, I’m just not that organized.

  13. On May 2nd, 2012 at 2:48 pm Samantha Says:

    -sleeping in late means being awake by 9 AM
    -shaving isn’t an option in the winter
    -you use words like “youngsters” and “whippersnappers” without apology
    -you turn on the radio and immediately think “what is this noise?!”
    -you shuffle when you walk instead of actually picking up your feet
    -the smell of pee is your perfume
    -the excitement from “free lawnmower” is equal to the excitement you had with “beer bong”
    -two words “eye cream”
    -grey hair is the reason to dye your hair not “to look cool”

    there are so so many

  14. On May 2nd, 2012 at 7:12 pm Grace Says:

    I just peed a little! LOL

  15. On May 2nd, 2012 at 3:43 pm JtotheOtotheDtotheY Says:

    Shit. I’m old.

  16. On May 2nd, 2012 at 4:06 pm blu_canary Says:

    You secretly think Jacob Black is hot. And then realize you are closer in age to Bella’s dad.

  17. On May 2nd, 2012 at 4:49 pm Tia Says:

    You feel like a Saint or Martyr if you manage to make it out to a club your friend has been begging you to go to with her. The whole time youre there you fantasize about PJ pants and watching tv in bed……….

  18. On May 2nd, 2012 at 5:08 pm Megaboo Says:

    I was driving home and passing by the school, 2 boys that had to have been 10 or 11 had dirtier mouths than me. I curse like a fucking sailor. I thought, “if I were their mother I would wash their mouths out with soap.” sigh.. I’m getting old! I am the “oldest” 24 year old I know.

  19. On May 2nd, 2012 at 6:03 pm justkeepinitrealfolks Says:

    The day you find your first gray pube is the day you know you are old as dirt.

  20. On May 2nd, 2012 at 6:35 pm Alison Says:

    Dammit, I am an adult. I just bought plants today based soley on whether or not they can live in the shade.

    I would like to add:

    – You get irritated when the grocery store bagger puts your milk on top of your eggs.

    – You turn your radio to the news station because you can’t stand the music on the other stations.

    – You decide not to drink even one glass of wine because you have to work in the morning.

  21. On May 2nd, 2012 at 6:36 pm Alison Says:



    – You comment on your comment to fix your grammar and/or spelling.

  22. On May 2nd, 2012 at 6:48 pm Meredith P. Says:

    #7741 is so ME!!

    I love this post!! 😀

  23. On May 2nd, 2012 at 7:17 pm Grace Says:

    You actually ENJOY reorganizing your kitchen cabinets.

    Your husband has a big ol’ gut, and you still find him as sexy as the day you met.

    It takes you two hours to recover from mowing the lawn.

  24. On May 2nd, 2012 at 9:09 pm Mary Says:

    You see a scantily dressed young girl and want to yell “Does your Mother know what you’re wearing?”

    Whenever you or a friend buys a new appliance and every one begs to know the details.

    You still buy crayons because you don’t want to grow old gracefully. And you no longer have the excuse of it’s for my child when you buy a Disney movie – it is now fuck it – it’s for me!

  25. On May 3rd, 2012 at 1:14 am Kate Says:

    -You somehow insert statistics on the growth and learning of children in every conversation.

    -You get excited when you get time alone- then spend it dragging the rugs out to air and rearranging furniture.

    -You go on dates to real restaurants instead of going to watch a local “band” in some dude’s basement.

    -You save up all your cussing for after the kids go to sleep.

    -You stay awake late into the night worrying about death, illness, and tragedy. Also, the roof leak.

  26. On May 3rd, 2012 at 5:59 am Jolie Says:

    -you plan your yard not on what looks “neat” but on what is low maintenance
    -you realize that cute guy is actually young enough to be your son
    -you get a waitress’s phone number….for her to babysit your kids (college friend had that one happen to him – HA!)
    -furniture is bought for sturdy quality to withstand children
    -when looking to move you think “will this be suitable for us when the kids are moved out?”

  27. On May 3rd, 2012 at 6:20 am Chelle Says:

    You dream of the day you get your “own” room again

    You get to have any junk food you want and the only person that cares is your husband, because you now have a muffin top and a big ass

    You get to choose how many animals you have – and then pay for their vet bills and “special” food

    You make your own choices, but they involve boring things like getting the ice maker fixed as opposed to saving the money towards your kids’ college education

    When you go to the hobby store, you get all excited about knitting, crochet, or sewing projects

    The checkout at the grocery store scares you because it’s all electronic and you have to bag it yourself

    When someone pukes, you are the one who has to clean it up. If you puke, nobody cares enough to hold your hair back

    Your kids stay up later than you do

  28. On May 3rd, 2012 at 10:10 am katrina Says:

    You remember a time before cell phones, before the internet, before cd’s…….shit, even before VHS……But you can’t remember where you put your pants! ha! yup, you’re old as dirt.

  29. On May 3rd, 2012 at 3:05 pm Kathleen Says:

    You laugh insanely at comments like this – then say oooooh!

  30. On May 3rd, 2012 at 11:19 am AshleyP Says:

    You know you’re getting old when your friends start having babies on purpose.

  31. On May 3rd, 2012 at 1:32 pm Nicole the Weaver Says:

    You feel guilty and pedophile-y for being attracted to a 18-20 year old, since they are the same age as your oldest child.

  32. On May 3rd, 2012 at 1:38 pm Lynda M O Says:

    “Get off my lawn, dammit !~!”

  33. On May 3rd, 2012 at 5:41 pm Christene Says:

    Realizing ultra mini skirts are not a good idea. Not that they ever were, but now I realize how ridiculous I must have looked.

  34. On May 3rd, 2012 at 8:28 pm Libby Says:

    Also, why does no one ever tell you that you never feel like you are grown up? All of a sudden you just feel like a kid who has been dropped from the game.

  35. On May 4th, 2012 at 12:03 am Janis Says:

    You have a “dream bathroom” that you long for.

    First on your “if I win the lottery” list is to fix up the house, not travel around the world.

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