Mommy Wants Vodka

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Object Permanence


Now I’m not a hoarder. I’m not even very sentimental.

(you’ll note that I am decidedly NOT a hoarder because every time someone comes over, I try to send them home with everything from Orchids to children)

I watch Hoarders as inspiration to clean my fucking house, and I’ll tell you that it has worked to curb any impulse buying I may or may not have experienced (so, so sorry, The Target, for breaking up with you like this. I know I should have done it more personally, but hey, you read my blog).

I’m also not attached to my stuff. Not most of it, at least. I’d throw down some fisticuffs if you threatened Big Mac II or my iPad. It’s not, however, because they remind me of “greener days,” and “happier times,” but because they allow me to work. Or try to get more than one star on those stupid Angry Birds game. Which is more complex than actual work, but I digress.

My Son: *carrying around a baby doll*

Aunt Becky: “Why are you carrying around that doll?”

Ben, My Son (Not the Guy on my Couch*): “We’re playing Oregon Trail at school and Sam needed a boy baby.”

Aunt Becky: *thinks about how awesome it would be to make the doll have “dysentery.” *

Ben: “It’s for school.”

Aunt Becky *still bitter that the i(can’t)Phone version or Oregon Trail is neither gory or has fun as it used to be. These are probably related events*. “Oh? What are you doing with it?”

Ben: “I told you. Sam needs a baby boy.”

Aunt Becky *grumbles* “Like THAT clears it up for me.”

Ben: “I have to bring it.”

Aunt Becky *looks at the stained baby and recalls how she’d lovingly gotten it for her then-five-year-old son Ben who was about to become a big brother*: “Ben, no. You can’t take it.”


Aunt Becky: “Why?”


Aunt Becky: “So you’re going to bring it to school and probably forget it there, right?”

Ben: “Yes.”

Aunt Becky: “NO.”


Aunt Becky: “The doll’s for Sam, not you. If you need something to signify a baby that badly, take a stuffed animal instead.”

Ben: “NO.”

Aunt Becky: “You have your teacher call me and tell me why you need to bring this particular doll in.”

Ben: *stomps off in the way only a histrionic 10-year old can.*

Aunt Becky (to herself): “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

Two adult male voices chime in simultaneously: “Waco.”

Turns out, Pranksters, I wasn’t quite ready to let go of that baby doll; the one he’d once named Seth.

*my BFF who moved here to start a new life.

11 Comments to

“Object Permanence”

  1. On April 27th, 2012 at 10:48 am Cara Says:

    Isn’t it crazy when these things sneak up on you. I donate to Good Will like mad to get crap out of my house (I married a pack rat), but there are certian things that I will bring out the gloves to keep.

  2. On April 27th, 2012 at 11:02 am gorillabuns Says:

    did he bring it back? did you have to threaten Sam with an ass-kicking for a swift return?

  3. On April 27th, 2012 at 11:29 am Sarah Says:

    Thank you, THANK you for clarifying (again, perhaps?) who The Guy On Your Couch is. I’ve been so confused, and the link on his name only brought me to his website.

    Maybe I don’t know the backstory, but at least I know who he is now!

  4. On April 27th, 2012 at 1:50 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    For the longest time, I thought I was the only one who had no idea…

  5. On April 28th, 2012 at 8:22 pm JtotheOtotheDtotheY Says:

    At the same time, I kind of like sort of not knowing. It’s like he’s this semi-imaginary friend that only Becky sees. Sort of Calvin and Hobbes-ish. But, a bit more deranged.

  6. On April 27th, 2012 at 4:02 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I’m so glad another person watches Hoarders for the same reason I do. Also, someday my kid will be Sam because we have no baby dolls in this house. I was about to suggest garage sale-ing it to find dolls for these occasions. . . I think I should go watch Hoarders now.

  7. On April 27th, 2012 at 4:55 pm 'cuz I'm the mommy Says:

    I am not a hoarder. Just because I bought a backup pair of stuffed kittehs because the Poose loved PeanutButter & Smoky until their heads dangled from their shoulders and their stripes were gone, and now The First Ones can’t leave the house any more (hello! Stunt kittehs?) because they could get lost and never make it to his baby box…
    What time does Hoarders come on?

  8. On April 27th, 2012 at 5:28 pm Vanessa Says:

    Hoarders is the best inspiration ever to clean house. As for trying to give away children, did it for years, never found a taker. I think it took me 10 years after I decided there would be no more babies to ditch the baby things. So yeah, some things are meant to stay until you no longer need them. I still have the man-child’s Pooh Bear and Son #2’s Bunny. Those don’t get to leave.

    On a side note, when the baby clothes went I prayed they wouldn’t be like fat clothes. You know the ones you usually need after you get rid of them?

  9. On April 27th, 2012 at 11:00 pm JR Reed Says:

    People who want to lose weight should watch Hoarders and see the shit that grows in those kitchens. Also, I’m not so sure I can get behind the “bot having a doll” thing. Once I make up my mind I’ll be sure to let you know.

  10. On April 28th, 2012 at 9:33 am Chelle Says:

    We bought that exact same doll for our middle son when he was going to become a big brother and we were worried about what was going to happen to him emotionally when he was not the baby anymore. I have no idea what happened to it!

    I watch Hoarders for inspiration as well. We always get rid of shit after I’ve watched a couple of those shows and I start cleaning…very inspirational.

  11. On April 28th, 2012 at 9:41 am Jadzia@Toddlerisms Says:

    Hoarders is/are SUCH an inspiration. I tend to be pretty clean-swept in my own life. But really? It’s because I have a close family member (okay, my mom) who is an animal hoarder. On whom I had to call the Kane County authorities. But The Unpleasantness aside, it’s a great kick in the pants whenever I notice things starting to get a little out of hand chez Jadzia.

    Maybe I should be posting this in “I’m With the Band” instead, no?

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