Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



1: time the words “put your ding-dong away” came out of my mouth yesterday.

92,284: times I’ve reminded Alex that his penis is PRIVATE.

92,284: times Ben has laughed uproariously when I said this.

67: times I wondered how on Earth I was supposed to survive living in the Sausage Factory for the next 18 years.

98,273: times that my daughter has insisted that both she and I have penises too.

82: times The Twitter has asked me if I’m really a dude.

1: person who had to tell me she was unfollowing me on The Twitter because I called Blogspot “the Supercuts of blogging platforms.”

1: blogspot blog I myself own.

2: bunnies scampering in my backyard whom I have named “Thor The Impaler” and “Professor Mittens.”

Too Ashamed To Admit: hours I’ve spent playing Angry Birds.

3: the fewest number of pieces one can break a stick of dry spagetti into.

0: boomsticks I currently own.

Too Many To Count: boomsticks I WANT to own.

2: rose plants didn’t survive the winter.

3: days I moped about the loss of my roses.

4: camera apps I have on my iPhone.

0: camera apps used in the picture


0: pictures (I’ve taken) that are better than this.

1: reminder I’m giving that we HAPPILY accept submissions on both Band Back Together and Mushroom Printing.


posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
57 Comments to


  1. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:05 am Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    1 = numbers of times I was jealous of a post idea!

    This is that time

  2. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:08 am Suniverse Says:

    THE SUPERCUTS? Whatever. Blogger is the BoRics of platforms.

    Enjoy your penis, dude.

  3. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  4. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:10 am the mrs Says:

    Oh man. Brothers are tough. I feel for your daughter. I’m also hoping that 0 = the number of times she’s tried to pee like a boy (standing up) and you’ve had to clean it up. Not that I tried that once when I was 6–just that I feel like it could happen.

  5. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  6. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:12 am SoberJulie Says:

    What is with children and their private play in public lol

  7. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Alex = obsessed with his wang.

    I = not obsessed with his wang.

  8. On May 6th, 2011 at 8:17 am AthenaCherise Says:

    All Boys = obsessed with their wangs

    and they never ever grow out of it

  9. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:16 am nic @mybottlesup Says:

    eleventy and four: the pain scale for which my cramps exist at this very moment in time. move yer ass over on the couch and make room for mine… i’ll count with you, but just know that occasionally i make numbers up.

  10. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:24 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Get on over, duder. We can share vodka.

  11. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:22 am jael Says:

    First thing I said aloud after my son was born, “What’s that penis doing on my baby girl?” And my baby girl? Still waits for her “penis to fall in.”


    On another note, finally made my first submission to The Band. No crippy-crap in the process this time either. Either the problem got fixed, or, more likely, Diva of the User Error I am, I did what I was supposed to this time.


  12. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:23 am Kerrey Says:

    OMG, I <3 u! We have ding-dong privacy issues at my house too! When do they outgrow this? I'm normally a fan of exposed sausage, but not the kid's! Especially the morning wood makes me uncomfortable!

  13. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:24 am Lakegypsy Says:

    Bwahahahahaha…Supercuts…I’ve been wanting to transfer my blog to a me only site, but I don’t know which one to choose, there’s so fucking many out there, it makes my head rotate and spew pea soup. Bah!

  14. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Awwww. *blushes*

  15. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:32 am Mel Says:

    I just don’t understand boys and their parts. I swear, having (and raising) boys makes no sense. But, I will take penis talk and OH MY GOD will they ever stop touching and/or talking about it!

    Sadly, The Man gives me proof, it never does stop…

  16. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No. It never stops. But seriously, if I catch them playing with their ding-a-lings while eating dinner again, I’m running away.

  17. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:50 am Tina Says:

    *sigh* oooh, the joys of living in a Sausage Factory. No, I don’t think they ever grow out of it! Although my little dude, in the past year, has decided that he doesn’t walk around the house naked anymore…I’m sure that he is still jumping up and down naked in front of the bathroom mirror! (I totally wish I could have filmed that; he was about 2 when we put the full length mirror up…since birth he has been a nakedness-loving child and dancing in front of the mirror was a favorite activity!!)

    OH, and around the age of 2 he named it: Mr. Peanut. I totally can’t look at Planter’s Peanuts commercials anymore!!!

  18. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:




    That is so awesome.

  19. On May 5th, 2011 at 1:21 pm Emma Says:

    My son called it a peanut when he couldn’t say penis. I could not keep a straight face when there was an entire song on mickey mouse clubhouse called “shake your peanut”

  20. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:52 am KYouell Says:

    Thank Jeebus it’s not just my son. You people are sanity savers.

  21. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha. Nope. It’s like there’s a fucking magnet in there or something.

  22. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:54 am pbpdesigns Says:

    Yeah, I’ve got girls, so… I’ve got nothin’…
    Anyhoo, I’d take that over the PMSing going on around my house 24/7/365. With myself and 2 daughters, there’s only about one day a month that someone isn’t getting it, doesn’t have it, or just got over it.

  23. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh I don’t envy you.

  24. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:00 pm Heather Meyers Says:

    My five year old tried to convince me that her boobs were getting bigger. Then the other day she told her father that she was “feeding” her baby-with her nipples.

  25. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude, that is SO awesome. SO awesome.

  26. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:01 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I will never understand the obsession boys have with their penises the 3 year old has discovered his again not like he ever undiscovered it but now it’s like if he let’s go of it or puts clothes on it, it might fall of. Mommy is NOT liking this. And my oldest son thinks it’s hilarious when I tell him buddy it’s not going anywhere you can let it go. He still doubts me, apparently because I LOST mine I can NOT be taken seriously.

  27. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahahaha. I know. The penis think is KILLING me.

  28. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:25 pm The Restaurant Manager Says:

    It’s hard to describe the obsession with our Penis. Yes I said hard. 😉 Sometime it erects a wall between men and women. Yes I said erects. Ok.. enough. On a serious note, I love the Tulip picture!

  29. On May 5th, 2011 at 12:41 pm Lara Says:

    We don’t have the “hands in yo pants” issue per say… we have the “let’s talk about my GINORMOUS (his word not mine) penis in public” issue going on. Yeah, that’s fun in Target, and every other place I have to run errands in…

    Oh, we are also in the point to random strangers and try to name their genitalia… that’s a GREAT way to pass your time in the grocery line! 😉

  30. On May 5th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Kelly Says:

    A dear friend’s son, asked her yesterday if it was possible for him to fart out of his weenie.

    I think he was relieved to find out he couldn’t.

    I nearly peed my pants.

  31. On May 5th, 2011 at 1:15 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    “Trouser snake stays in the trousers.” Who says trousers?

  32. On May 5th, 2011 at 1:25 pm Emma Says:

    We do… The English that is. Pants means underpants, I never will understand why you Americans (assuming you’re American 🙂 ) choose to refer as trousers as a pair of underwear… :s what’s next? Calling a tshirt a bra? 😉

  33. On May 5th, 2011 at 1:59 pm Ina Jones Says:

    I catch my 7 year old just hanging on to his while watching tv all the time. I say “stop touching your penis while watching tv”. Then my four year old goes around the house for about the next two hours saying “PENIS!” and giggling madly. Oy vey.

  34. On May 5th, 2011 at 2:13 pm Dre Says:

    I have three sausages in the house. Thanks to both my husband and 4 year old son, my not-quite-two-year-old enjoys repeating “tawy-wakah” (tallywacker) repeatedly, and his first sentance was “no touch penis” due to the 4 year old’s response to his junk being grabbed by his little brother in the bath.

    Oh, and the first time my oldest actually saw my husband’s penis (the first grown penis he had ever seen as my husband does not let anyone in the bathroom with him) was in a McDonald’s bathroom while we were on a road trip. My husband came tearing out of the store, his face burning red. When I asked what happened, he said that my son looked at him and yelled “Daddy your penis is HUGE!” much to the delight of the two other occupants of the restroom.

  35. On May 5th, 2011 at 2:14 pm Neeroc Says:

    Just wait until you get to throw ‘stop touching your vagina!’ into the mix.

    Too lazy to google – what the hell’s a boomstick?

    28: camera apps on my phone. I may need an intervention.

  36. On May 5th, 2011 at 3:35 pm AngstyJen Says:

    Our four-year-old daughter (and only child) is quite the exhibitionist, and you never know when it’s coming. Last night, I gave her a bowl of ice cream and went into the living room. Ten minutes later, she came into the room naked and I asked her, “Um, why are you naked, dearest?” She said the ice cream was just So Delicious. That’s a serious level of tasty there, if it makes you disrobe…

  37. On May 5th, 2011 at 11:29 pm guinspeg Says:

    I want what she’s having

  38. On May 5th, 2011 at 3:52 pm amber Says:

    Hmmm. We have no penis talk in my house, but my daughter, who hated boobies back when they were supposed to feed her, is obsessed with bras.

    I hear, “mommy bra? 50,000 times a day. And she tries to pull my shirt down in front of strangers about 100,000 times.

    Good times.

  39. On May 5th, 2011 at 3:57 pm Kristin Says:

    Yeah, I so don’t miss the obsessed with the wang stage.

  40. On May 6th, 2011 at 10:38 pm Pete In Az Says:


  41. On May 5th, 2011 at 4:04 pm Katie Says:

    My 3year old twin boys would not stop asking where my weenie was so I told them mommies have “lady buisness”. They then proceeded to ask every person we came across at the store if they have a weenie or a lady business. good times

  42. On May 5th, 2011 at 4:11 pm Tershbango Says:

    They never grow out of thinking that everyone wants to see their penis. 🙁 NEVER.

  43. On May 5th, 2011 at 5:11 pm Satan Says:

    ha, i liked the supercuts joke. because it’s totally true – it’s software for the masses. but hey, i AM the masses – i don’t know how to operate other software, and i’m sure as hell not buying expensive shit unless i’m getting paid. which is probably a far off never-happening thing, on my blog. unless i magically blow up & explode into popularity. le sigh.

  44. On May 5th, 2011 at 6:08 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    1. I’m thisclose to getting my SuperCut-blogging-self’s feelers hurt, missy!

    B) What on EARTH is a boomstick? Or do I want to know?

    *”Boomstick” is now kinda making me think of wenii.

  45. On May 5th, 2011 at 7:31 pm Ann Says:

    Age doesn’t seem to lessen the unconscious self fondling.

    “Can you wash your hands before you go diggin in my popcorn?”


    “Never mind. You can HAVE my popcorn.”

    At least my booby-trapped toilet seat stays down. Heh. Fishing weights and epoxy.

    Anyway, come play real life Angry Birds with us in Maryland in June.

    We got all kinds of cardboard blocks, surgical tubing slingshots, a small trampoline, various stuffed birds and naked people running around in pig noses and green body paint.

    And thats the least of the crazy stuff we are up to!

  46. On May 5th, 2011 at 8:31 pm Josefina Says:

    Thing Number One: This is the first full year that my sons have accepted that I don’t have a penis. Prior to that, they insisted I had one no matter how I argued with them.

    Thing Number Two: Super excited about your bunnies.

    Thing Number Three: Do you know these roses? I have four rose plants from this company and they are all doing well, particularly considering how neglected they are. By me.

  47. On May 5th, 2011 at 10:19 pm Scott Says:

    1: time the words “put your ding-dong away” came out of my mouth yesterday.
    Be honest. You said this to The Daver, didn’t you?

  48. On May 6th, 2011 at 2:01 am Tracie Says:

    I’m loving that picture.

    You already know how I feel about that twitter “unfollower” from earlier- hehe

    I don’t know what a boomstick is. Do I want to own one?

  49. On May 6th, 2011 at 3:13 am Lianne Marie Binks Says:

    What is a boomstick?

  50. On May 6th, 2011 at 9:37 am Amelia Says:

    It’s a shotgun from the Army of Darkness starring Bruce Campbell. AMAZING movie.

  51. On May 6th, 2011 at 8:11 am Vinobaby Says:

    OMG Boys and their willies!

    2–The number of naked boys running through my house yesterday. And I only have 1 child…they NEVER grow up.

  52. On May 6th, 2011 at 8:28 am John Says:

    That is a truly great picture, Becky.

    For awhile, my son absolutely loved having his diaper changed. The “I have a genius” side of the parent me figured that he simply really hated being in a soiled diaper and that toilet training was going to be really easy. But, no – he just liked having his penis exposed . . . now that his hand/eye coordination is getting better, it’s like he poops specifically so that he can play with his ding-dong.

  53. On May 6th, 2011 at 9:32 am Heather Buen Says:

    I’m having my first boy in August. Is that what I have to look forward to? 😉

  54. On May 6th, 2011 at 10:11 am CC Says:

    I don’t think boys EVER grow out of the “exposing the ding-dong” stage!!! My ultimate “exposing of the ding-dong” experience…I was awaken by a friend barging in the room, jumping on the bed, standing legs apart over me and doing the “helicopter”, then running out laughing. REALLY?!?! Are you f-ing kidding me! Who thinks of shtuff like that?!?! Ewwww!!!! And the peeing outside or on trees business…they don’t grow out of that shtuff either!!! Imagine if we did half the shtuff they do…they would be apalled!!! Boys are so lucky! They get to be gross and weiner-ific and everybody thinks it’s cool and hilarious! Good thing I am not the one trying to be cool and funny.

    Yay to the lady bits!!!!!

    And tell that chick NO, she doesn’t have/want a penis!!! Her lady bits and boobies are worth more than a “ding-dong” EVER will be (not right now, but one day)!!! Put some Prince-P Control on her ipod!!! Learn her early! Now I’m singing that damn song in my head!!!!

  55. On May 6th, 2011 at 12:43 pm Amanda Says:

    I’d never played angry birds until a few days ago when the boyfriend got a new iphone….i hate him for it because it is likely to be the single reason i fail law school…eff you angry birds

  56. On May 8th, 2011 at 9:47 am Caroline Says:

    Conversation with my kid last night:
    “Mommy, you know why my penis hangs down? It’s because these little ball things hang down.”
    I’m hoping he tones down the penis talk before Kindergarten this fall.

  57. On May 9th, 2011 at 12:51 am vickilikesfrogs Says:

    Wait. Someone unfollowed you because they got offended over your blogspot remark? Wow, you hangin’ with some rocket scientists, Aunt Becky! Hell, you said it to me before and I didn’t unfollow you so…I have no clue where I was going with that, but whatevs.

    *sigh* The only penis conversation I’ve ever really had with my (now) 14-year old daughter, aside from the birds and the bees, was this, “Don’t call Bailey a pecker head anymore!” That was when she was 3.

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