# of lbs put on with second baby: stopped counting

# hours spent confused by simultaneously barfing and putting on weight: 1,000,000,000,003

# of times regretted eating McDonald’s sundaes: 987

# of reassurances to myself that I cannot eat whatever I want no matter what Daver can do: 48,000

# of regrets that I have married the person who loses 20 lbs after cutting out pop but continues to eat double quarter pounders with cheese: too many to count

# hours spent at gym since being cleared to work out again: 28

# hours spent grumpily hating women who look like twigs who swallowed a watermelon while pregnant: 756

# of White Hen clerks who ask when ‘œmy baby is due:’ 1

# of pants that currently fit: 1

# of times I’ve wanted to buy new pair of pants but have chickened out as I didn’t want to see my new! and improved! size: 8,000,000,000

approx, cost of future tummy tuck: $10,000

approx. cost of future boob job to fix boobs that currently look like an orange stuffed in a tube sock: $4,000

# of times thought of future plastic surgery has calmed me down: too numerous to count

# of feet of current excess skin: 4.6

It’s a good goddamn thing this baby loves me a lot.