Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Nothing Like A Homemade Cyclotron To Ring In Autumn


Summer holidays always confuse me. Not just because I think the only one worth celebrating is my birthday, which, *ahem* I did change from the actual date of my entrance into the world (July 15) to a day that should be less, well, cursed (July 28) on Facebook, which is kind of like when you say you’re “in a relationship” on there. It means it MATTERS now.

We’re going STEADY, me and my birthday!

With the exception of my national-holiday-birthday, I don’t get summer holidays. I mean, day off, FUCK YEAH, but we’re not like Jello Mold Salad people who burst out the limbo stick and dust off the old camper on Memorial Day or Labor Day. Probably because I don’t HAVE a camper but mostly because my idea of “roughing it” involves staying in a hotel without room service.

I have lots of traditions, but none of them involve setting up a tent in the middle of the woods where there are earwigs and trees and possibly rabid squirrels that might want to eat my face off while I sleep. I mean, if I want to “get back to nature” I can turn on the National Geographic Channel and not immediately flip through to a Law and Order: You’re About To Be Depressed marathon.

I’m all for a good BBQ, don’t get me wrong, so long as it doesn’t involve any additional planning on my end. Encased meats are kind of my thing, so any chance to roast weenies on a grill makes me happy in the pants (GO MEAT!), but if I have to turn a relaxed, “get your ass over, fuckwad,” invite into,

Miss Rebecca Sherrick Harks kindly requests your presence at Casa de la Sausage at one ‘o’ clock in the afternoon on…”

then I’ve lost something in translation. I don’t want to have to turn a Labor Day BBQ into a LABOR DAY BBQ. Because then I have to clean and make appetizers and put on pants and we all know how much I hate pants.

This Labor Day, I’m torn. Since I’m clearly not going to be camping or hosting a Jello Mold Party, I’ll be doing one of two things (while eating encased meats pantsless, of course). Making Skittles Vodka or designing a proton accelerator.

Or maybe both. Why have or when you can have and?


Are you a Summer Holiday Family? If so, can I come over and celebrate with YOU? Even if I’m not wearing pants? Because pants are BULLSHIT.

65 Comments to

“Nothing Like A Homemade Cyclotron To Ring In Autumn”

  1. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:46 am Hannah Says:

    we aren’t really a summer holiday type family either, but we do it big for college football, thanksgiving, and christmas. (yes, football is like a holiday round these parts.)

    but more importantly: skittles vodka. i need to know more about this. lie is there a recipe? or do you just dump a shit ton of skittles into the vodka? remember skittles sprite? does it taste like that? what if i put skittles and vodka into a sprite bottle and pretend that im not getting wasted at work? is that bad?

  2. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:48 am the grumbles Says:

    we’re going to the zoo because it’s my kid’s first birthday. none of our family wanted to come so were not having a party. and while that’s shitty i’m also PSYCHED not to be throwing a big stupid 1st birthday party.

    the FUCKING ZOO, man! and CUPPINCAKES!

    hell. yeah.

  3. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:49 am The Sweetest Says:

    We live for summer entertaining, actually, I get to cook lots of yummy stuff, and we get to drink a lot, and Scott gets to fire up the grill (men love fire). And the kids run around with dirty feet.

  4. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:56 am Gen Says:

    We like to invite ourselves over to other people’s homes on summer holidays and eat their encased meats and take off our pants and such. So, maybe we’ll stop by. Wait. You WERE inviting all of us, right?

  5. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:57 am Jennifer June Says:

    Canadians are not as good at the ritualistic holiday thing unless gifts are involved so I’m guessing that Labor Day here is just another day where everyone scratches their heads trying to remember why it’s a long week-end but gets distracted by the prospect of an extra night of drinking and forgets what they were wondering about.

    Also, in Canada we spell it Labour Day and I’m pretty sure the U stands for keep yer damn pants off.

    I’m pretty sure.

  6. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:58 am Hamlet's Mistress Says:

    Ok, I need to expand the “feeds” column on my reader, because when I saw “Mo” highlighted (because that’s all the wider my “feeds” column is), meaning there was a new post, my mind read it as “Mommy Melee” and I thought it was pretty funny how she incorporated you into her post and also then thought it was pretty funny how you randomly tweeted about her post and how it all made sense now. And THEN I clicked to comment and all the graphics came up and Holy SHIT, it’s YOUR blog… and then? Well then it REALLY all made sense.


  7. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:01 am Suniverse Says:

    Come on over. We’re evidently having a BBQ on Sunday AND Monday, pants optional for both. Sunday is a potluck, and I have NO IDEA what the plan is for Monday. I’ll wing it.

    PS Skittles vodka? YUM.

  8. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:06 am Jen Says:

    Skittles Vodka should be commercially available. I kick ass bartender in DC introduced me to this delicious, addicting nirvana. A safter than waiting for the flavors to melt version pour yourself a glass of: vodka, sprite & a splash of grenadine with 1/2 a dozen skittles. Getting to the bottom of the glass was hell-yeah-SKITTLES! awesome rather than dammit-my-glass-is-empty sad. WFIW – gummy worm vodka (or as an added candy to the above mix) is also a good time. Bacon vodka in a bloody mary is the best hangover breakfast drink ever. Bacon + Vodka – a match made in heaven!

  9. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:08 am mecarol Says:

    We’re big barbecue people. Any opportunity to get my friends drunk, really. So, I am intrigued by this mention of skittles vodka. But this year we have a kid’s birthday party to go to which is…fine…I guess.

  10. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:08 am a Says:

    My Labor Day* activity is: thinking of a reasonable-sounding excuse to not have to go to my in-laws house for their cookout. My husband always just says no, but I feel the need to make an excuse. Fortunately, I have been officially released from excuse-making duty, so now I have no plans for Labor Day. But my husband will be home, so maybe I’ll make him grill something…or take me out to eat.

    *This applies to all holidays, actually. Summer, winter, whatever.

    I like entertaining, but I don’t like most people, and the people I do like live too far away, so we don’t do any entertaining. But if you want to road trip your ass down south (you don’t even have to leave the state, unless you want to!), I’m sure we could manage to come up with something!

  11. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:08 am Jen Says:

    Wow – I cannot type today! Sorry!
    A kick ass bartender … and not “a safter” (WTF?) I meant a faster way, rather than waiting… (I need to lay off the bacon vodka bloody mary’s for breakfast!)

  12. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:09 am a Says:

    You don’t have to wear pants, but underwear is appreciated.

  13. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I ALWAYS wear underwear.

  14. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:18 am Jason aka Cyrus_Jay Says:

    I feel you girl! Especially who wants to host a party and do dishes and etc after working a 8 hour day on Labor Day?

  15. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:19 am Kevin Says:

    A pink “Shut Your Whore Mouth” shirt isn’t me, but I would TOTALLY buy a “Pants Are Bullshit” t-shirt. And hey, come on down to Denver; we’re having some folks over – BYOB.


  16. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:22 am Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Summer holidays involve a lot of my extended family gathering in this teeny tiny cottage. Usually during nap time which doesn’t bode well for anyone. Now that I mention it, it does seem like I have been invited a lot less since The Babes came along. . .

    This Labor Day weekend we are choosing to celebrate by going to IKEA. You and your family are more than welcome to join us. Kids eat free, which means FREE MEATBALLS! GO MEAT!

  17. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:22 am CycleNinja Says:

    If pants are bullshit, what does that make underwear?

  18. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:43 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Pants are Bullshit would make a great shirt, especially if it was one of the longer tunic style shirts.

    We are summer cookout people because everyone stays outside for a cookout so I only have to clean one bathroom. We have a Wal Mart pool for people to jump in, a shade porch for people to lounge in, a nice wooded area for kids to be sent off to go play in & anyone with an overwhelming urge to sleep outside on the ground with the bugs is welcome to pitch a tent if they please. I will be laying inside on my own bed watching the Travel Channel.

    The males go camping on Memorial Day & Labor Day weekends with like minded people. I order up a big sushi feast, by some sake & plum wine and treat myself to a Harrison Ford film festival in the blessed a/c.

    We only have one party from fall to spring & that is on NYE & everyone gets so drunk it really doesn’t matter if the house is clean.

  19. On September 2nd, 2010 at 11:57 am leanne Says:

    I’m with you on the whole camping thing. It was alright when I was a kid, but the thought of taking my kids on a camping trip… let’s not go there. Perhaps this is why there is Cub Scouts and Girl Scouts.

    Also, somehow I forgot that Labor Day is coming up this weekend. But I have encased meats in the freezer so I must be all set! (I live in WI where you are practically required to have encased meats on hand at all times.)

  20. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:08 pm Betty M Says:

    We do summer holidays. In fact just back from two weeks in France. Obviously we dont have Labor Day. But I’d come to a barbecue if there is one!

  21. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:10 pm Michele Says:

    We’re going to a wine tasting/BBQ party. It’s not at my house and I couldn’t be more happy about that. I have impressed upon people my cooking skills, which is good for the ego, but BADDD when I have to clean up when people come over a lot. I don’t camp either btw, roughing it for me…is a dirty towel at a Hilton.

    Ohhh I’d love the recipe for the Skittle drink.

  22. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:16 pm Sarah Says:

    Skittles vodka is full of The Awesome. We brew the different colors separately and then put them each in their own bottle. And then freeze them. And then mix it with ginger ale because it is the best of mixers (although sprite works, too).

    We don’t really do summer holidays here, either.

    Seconding the “Pants are Bullshit” shirt request!

  23. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:47 pm Fruitloopmum Says:

    Wow. You should get over to my place. It’s not labor day in Oz, and it’s a well-known Australian law that you HAVE to wear boardies at a barbie so no pants allowed! As for encased meats, well, we have lots of yummy surf dudes in wetsuits… will that do?
    Bring some Skittles vodka and your own proton accellorator cos I’ve never tasted Skittles vodka, and my accellorator’s broken. I’ll supply said ‘encased meat’ 🙂 Hurry on over, it’s 3.45am and I could use the entertainment!

  24. On September 2nd, 2010 at 1:15 pm Fruitloopmum Says:

    Ok it’s 3.45am and I can’t spell accelerator! Good job I’m not driving or operating any form of one, Best get some sleep x

  25. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:49 pm SOCCERMOM Says:

    My family are lake ppl. Every summer we rush to our house at the lake and spend the whole weekend in bathing suits. On the water, bbq, or playing sand volleyball.

    We love Labor day!

    PS What are Skittles Vodka? Sounds yummy do share.

  26. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:53 pm Jen Says:

    Aw, you’re a weekend too late or I totally would have invited you to our end-of-summer annual Harvest Party. The rules? BYOB, your family, neighbours, the cute couple next door, and a dish that contains at least one ingredient that you grew yourself (and, yes, I will accept a dandelion leaf garnish if necessary). Horseshoes, volleyball, a corn roast and a big old bonfire. Yup, we’re cheesy – must be that Canuck thing.

  27. On September 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 pm Leslee Says:

    We’re not summer holiday people. Hell, we’re barely ANY holiday people any more. The last few years we’ve either been separated by work or moving, so holidays have kinda bit the dust. :-/

    You’re gonna have to learn me how to make that Skittles Vodka cuzz it sounds AWESOME! I have to wait till the end of February to be able to enjoy it, so I gots me some time to learn.

  28. On September 2nd, 2010 at 1:10 pm Johanne Says:

    I hear ya on the camping sistah! I have a friend who summed it up nicely when he said “Camping?? Didn’t we evolve from that?” Bugs, cold, sleeping on the lumpy ground, bugs, outdoor toilets, bugs … ewwwww ….

  29. On September 2nd, 2010 at 1:12 pm step gas Says:

    um. we have cookouts i guess. sometimes. but we’re kind of loners now, awesome husband and i. our biffles moved back to new york and left us in florida.

    but when they were still here, almost every weekend turned into no one wearing pants, bathing suits, or any clothes for that matter (because clothes are too tight and clothesy when you’re drunk) and sometimes texas hold ’em.

    when we move back to new york, i do not expect that to happen often at all. because it’s cold in new york. the best part about holidays like this is that awesome husband has a long weekend. we plan on drinking, swimming in the pool, grilling hot dogs, and playing magic: the gathering. NERDS FTW!

  30. On September 2nd, 2010 at 1:22 pm Kelly Says:

    Mea and I were going through some old pictures the other day, and their are so many pictures of my sister and I with no pants, it’s ridiculous. Why did we never have pants on? Some kind of shirt and some underwear, no pants. Well into adulthood, too. Pants are stupid and apparently were not required in our home growing up at all.

    We do the cookouts around here, I’ve decided these are best served with stiff drinks and lots of friends around.

    I also allow my husband to drag my ass out on one camping trip a year. One. Not to exceed 4 days, and I must be able to have at least 1 day off to recover from the camping trip before having to go back to work.

    Nature + Kelly = Not BFF’s

  31. On September 2nd, 2010 at 1:58 pm F. Haataja Says:

    Over in your nemesis, Wisconsin, “family holidays” include having Your Lovely Fiancee’s mother drive you and YLF to a small-town weekend celebration (every town’s got their own). It begins by sitting in grass watching malformed middle-agers dance to a cover band’s bastardized version of their favorite ’70s songs, and ends on your hands and knees heaving into a bowling alley toilet. If you remember how you got from Point A to Point B, you’ve failed the exercise.

  32. On September 2nd, 2010 at 2:15 pm Kristin Says:

    Fuck yeah you can come celebrate with us. I mean, we’re not a huge summer holiday family but we always have fun and, we can definitely do encased meats. How about bratwurst?

  33. On September 2nd, 2010 at 2:50 pm K odell Says:

    Boyfriend likes the “go to the river thing”. I’d rather go to the foodfest not far from here- live music and lots of meat. on a stick. with a beer.

    Now I’m, off to google skittles vodka

  34. On September 2nd, 2010 at 3:11 pm Sarah Says:

    Come the fuck over! We never wear pants anyway, plus, there will be ridiculous, fattening desserts, because baking is what I DO when I have time off.

    Our apartment complex has a grill, so we can even see about some encased meat. But grilling takes time away from pantsless alcohol swilling and goody-baking, so we may have to forgo that.

  35. On September 2nd, 2010 at 4:18 pm andygirl Says:

    SO, my birthday is always Labor Day weekend. it took me until prob the 5th grade to realize they weren’t letting school out just for little ol’ me.

    thus, you should come to Portland and instead of a lame-o Labor Day party, come to my dirty 30 birthday partay! wootwoot!

  36. On September 2nd, 2010 at 4:23 pm Queen of the Rant Says:

    What is skittles vodka and why have you not said how great the song I wrote for you was????

    I demand an answer Aunt Becky-

    PS-I gave you a blog award today, but you have to come find out at my blog lol lol lol

  37. On September 2nd, 2010 at 4:39 pm Jess K Says:

    Orbitz just sent me an email telling me r/t flights to Chicago are $138!! A sign, perhaps?? Hope you have a great holiday, pants-less and liquored up, the only way to celebrate ANY holiday!!

  38. On September 2nd, 2010 at 4:50 pm beth Says:

    i’m making skittles vodka this weekend too! purple and red are The Best. i’m hoping this time turns out better than the last time i made it though, because i also drank a bottle of wine in addition to the delicious skittles vodka, and the morning after was less than enjoyable.

  39. On September 2nd, 2010 at 5:15 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    I will be hiding out at home while the last of the tourists (“shoobies” as we like to call them) defile our town for one last weekend. I will be pantless as well 😉

  40. On September 2nd, 2010 at 5:56 pm Jenn Says:

    I went camping once in high school with a bunch of friends. We got so drunk that we all passed out, and I woke up covered in piss… not my own. Needless to say, I haven’t been camping again.

  41. On September 2nd, 2010 at 6:47 pm April K. Says:

    You’re more than welcome over here! We don’t really celebrate anything, but we do grill a lot of meat and all the boys get all the shotguns out and do target practice. And then the girls take over and shoot more stuff (like pumpkins…pumpkins explode which make it even more fun!). You’re more than welcome to not wear any pants…we can hardly keep clothes on any of the kids and if they’re running around buck ass naked…I don’t know why we wouldn’t at least let our guest(s) go pantless. 🙂

  42. On September 2nd, 2010 at 6:50 pm The Mom(aka Amy) Says:

    I do not camp, at least not since that ‘incident’ at girl scout camp. I hate the heat, dry or humid. My birthday is Aug 10th(BTW you have the same birthday as my big sister, but I love you anyway)and I always hated having a summer birthday. You never got to do the fun stuff at school and my birthday party always fell the weekend everyone was going out of town that one last time before school started. In short, I HATE SUMMER!!!

    Basically I am making time til Fall comes around. Which is California is often not until November. Fuck!

  43. On September 2nd, 2010 at 7:33 pm pamtastic Says:

    Please, please, please make the Skittles Vodka first! Something about tasting a rainbow of flavors with vodka sounds so wonderful 🙂

  44. On September 2nd, 2010 at 8:31 pm Becca Says:

    We normally are a summer holiday family, but I have taken 4 days off primarily so I can play hide and sleep. P.S. No pants in this house at all this weekend!! 🙂

  45. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:25 pm Tiffany Says:

    i was never into camping (um–gross) and when my husband told me that on a outward bound trip in college he had to wipe himself with an orange peel that pretty much solidified that i will never go camping EVER.

  46. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:43 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Aunt Becky, have you ever made Skittles vodka? Because after you mentioned it, I had to google it and find out just what it was all about. I admit, gasp, that I had never heard of this, but it just looks frickin awesome. I love fruity sweet drinks. I think I just might have to try this. Let me know if you have. I’d be interested to know if it’s worth my time. Labor day means nothing to me, except a day off, Fuck yeah!!!, but it’s also the week of my birthday and one should have a good drink to celebrate one’s birthday, don’t you think?

  47. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:08 pm Deidra Says:

    Love the last sentence! lol
    This is my first time reading, but I already have to subscribe this hilarity.

  48. On September 3rd, 2010 at 10:19 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! Good, I’m glad that you like it! Also, I’m glad to meet you!

  49. On September 2nd, 2010 at 10:35 pm Dustin Sanchez Says:

    We are a summer holiday family. This Memorial Day it’s Tubing down the Guadalupe River. I’m sure I’ll be able to throw a little vodka in as well…or as my friend likes to say asswell

  50. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:28 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Okay, now, TUBING rules. I love rafting and tubing. Those activities are amazing.

  51. On September 3rd, 2010 at 1:22 am Lauren Says:

    I would totally buy a “pants are bullshit” tunic.

    Skittles vodka sounds freaking AWESOME and I’m going to try it, but Jen, wtf is bacon vodka and how do I make it? I MUST HAVE BACON VODKA.

  52. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:27 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Okay, I’m thinking I need to make a Pants are Bullshit shirt now. Heh.

  53. On September 3rd, 2010 at 4:14 pm voni Says:

    Bacon vodka or whiskey, whatever! Put said alcohol into a wide mouthed jar, pour desired quantity of ROOM temp bacon fat that has been strained (don’t want the black bit’s, ick) into the alcohol and close the jar. Shake then wait… how long is up to you! 1 day, 2, 3? When your ready to finish, put the jar in the fridge and wait till the fat hardens on the top then remove fat. Strain again and get the ice and the bacon strip swizzle sticks! (real bacon!) Meat candy, in a glass. How bitchin’ is that?!

  54. On September 3rd, 2010 at 2:03 am GingerB Says:

    We don’t actually take a trip but I am hoping for a weenie roast. We need to send an advance party up one of the canyons to stake out an appropriate space, but it should give us the desired mix of gentle PT opportunities for Hannah, charred meat on a stick, fire, and the possiblity of exercise for those foolish enough to take a hike when one could just be sitting, roasting weenies and marshmellows.

  55. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:27 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. Weenie roasts RULE.

  56. On September 3rd, 2010 at 2:28 am Opto-Mom Says:

    Ok, why is July 15th cursed?

    If you party without your pants on Labor Day, make sure to wear clean undies with no holes in them, in case you’re in an accident. Also because nobody wants to see yo bidness or yo dirty drawers!

  57. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:26 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know I always wear fresh undies! And my FORMER birthday, dude, let me just say that of the last, oh, what, 5 birthdays? 4 I’ve spent in the hospital ER or Urgent Care.

  58. On September 3rd, 2010 at 4:44 am dg @ diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Belated happy national holiday! Guess you don’t want the jello mold I made you. . .

  59. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA! Those jello molds SCARE me, duder!

  60. On September 3rd, 2010 at 7:47 am ToyLady Says:

    So yeah. A few years ago, we got roped into doing the “it’s a national holiday so the family MUST get together” thing. (My mother does guilt.) Then, at the last minute, they did a switcheroo (not the first time). My brother and sister-in-law were “camping” that weekend, so we all joined them.

    By “camping” I don’t mean a lovely cabin in the woods with lakes and mountains and nature. Not even a tent pitched near a river with an open fire.

    Oh no. I mean a campground where pickup trucks towed campers in and lined them up 4 feet apart – rows and rows of them, as far as they eye could see! We all set our little folding chairs in a semi-circle around the travel grill and had fun Fun FUN!*

    Never again. Never EVER again.

    * My family does not drink – this was done completely sober.

  61. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:25 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ve now (through my own in-laws) heard of THIS kind of camping which confuses me even further. Tenting out, I get. Back to nature, whatever. But, uh, WHY would I want to go sit in an RV Park?

  62. On September 3rd, 2010 at 9:42 am pattypunker Says:

    this card has it all for you:

    ps: i’m already missing sundresses. pants are bullshit.

  63. On September 4th, 2010 at 4:40 am Andra Says:

    First off, so freaking glad to know I am not the only one that thinks pants are of the Devil! I want the “Pants are Bullshit” shirt!

    Skittles Vodka, mmmmm… I wish I drank! But having blackouts every single time makes it a crap shoot when I drink. It got scary finding out exactly how much fun I was the night before!

    When we were growing up, camping was forced upon us. And we were not allowed to go anywhere there was a sign that another human being had ever been there…. oh no, sleeping out, on the GROUND! the parents slept in the camper, but not the kids. And let me just tell you its freaking hard! And the creepy crawlies? eww… my skin is freaking twitching thinking about the horror! Now, its a camp trailer, with a hot shower, solar power, tv, dvd, and dish network wherever i go! Hopefully though, we will be able to have slabs of beef carcass, or encased meat, thrown on the grill this weekend!

  64. On September 5th, 2010 at 9:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah, see, drinking doesn’t agree with me now that I take Topamax for my migraines, either. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to get as drunk, but I get the hangover. Which is so unfair.

    And pants ARE fucking bullshit.

  65. On September 2nd, 2019 at 8:01 am Nothing Like A Homemade Cyclotron To Ring In Autumn - The Band Back Together Project Says:

    […] written on Mommy Wants Vodka by Becky Sherrick Harks in 2010. Reproduced with permission from the author, who is me: Aunt […]

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