Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Not With A Bang But A Whimper


Have you ever met someone who you could just tell was slightly…off? You know what I mean, someone who is perfectly okay on the exterior but underneath is someone completely different?

What sucks the most about these people is you never can tell if it’s you being bitchy or it’s them being insane. It means butterfly was that kind of person, not outwardly mean or cruel, but drove just about everyone who met her insane. And I never knew if I could REALLY complain about her, because was she really bad? Or was it JUST ME?

She was addicted to the computer far before I was, and as such, she never, ever went off her chat program. She talked to Dave constantly on IM, no matter what I was doing. Even if I was having The Sex.

One day, after class I ran back to my room hoping that she would still be in class but no, there she was hooting and cooing at the computer screen. I informed her that I would be napping, hoping that she would leave for an hour or so, but no, she sat there clacking away on the computer.

Maybe it’s me, but I can’t handle that kind of noise when I’m trying to sleep. Once I’m asleep, it’s all good and I can totally sleep through anything. But going to sleep, I need quiet. Well, this day, it annoyed the fuck out of me that she wasn’t taking the hint.

So I sat up furiously and said, “It means butterfly, I am TOTALLY buying you a quieter keyboard for Christmas!”

Well I’m sure that my tone was decidedly angry, it didn’t warrant what she did next: burst into tears and ran into the hallway, presumably to tell on me. This pissed me off even more, because I hate nothing more than the guilt of making someone cry, so I got off and flounced off to Pashmina/Stimpy’s room where I vented.

I could still here it means butterfly crying from there, and I felt bad, but not that bad.

We both pretended it had never happened.

Several weeks later, during the end of October, her boyfriend came up to stay with us, as SIU closes it’s campus during Halloween due to some previous riots. For a whole week.

What I was expecting when Dave showed up is a fumbling nerdy guy, probably 350 lbs, glasses and back-ne. What Dave was is a skinny Metal Head. A cool one. I liked him immediately and wished that HE were my roommate.

(and no, this Dave is not The Daver. I would never allow a penis that had been inside of it means butterfly to be inside of me. I do have standards, afterall).

Since I was in the bottom bunk, and they shared the top one for his visit, I jokingly told them that they could not have The Sex while I was underneath. Our bed swayed alarmingly if you so much as breathed on it, and I knew that if some humping was going down, I’d never get to sleep.

And ew.

It means butterfly was not a very attractive girl, and I already had to watch her pillowy body flop around the room, and I did NOT need to think of her having The Sex.

One night, during this time, I went to sleep, headphones on and grooving to some Slayer (or something. I don’t remember), when I started to feel something…moving. My bed was suddenly rocking back and forth. This displeased me so much that they were doing gross things to each other ABOVE ME that I grabbed my stuff and went to sleep on Stimpy/Pashmina’s floor.

And boy was I pissed.

I spent the rest of the week sleeping on another friend’s floor (A BOY!!) and occasionally popping into my room to get supplies (mainly cigarettes). During one of my brief stops into MY OWN ROOM, I came to find it means butterfly frantically tearing through our room, throwing my stuff around while shrieking and crying. She got so upset about this that she barfed in the garbage can in the bathroom.

I asked her what the hell she was doing and she screamed “LOOKING FOR THE GODDAMN REMOTE! I CAN’T FIND IT!

She tore up most of my room looking for the damn thing, which she eventually found in her own bed.

Why she had convinced herself that I had somehow stolen her remote and hidden it somewhere when I hadn’t been in my own room in hours, and ESPECIALLY since she flipped out about leaving the TV on the wrong channel, I had never used her TV again.

I guess that was the end for me. I couldn’t handle walking on eggshells around this country bumpkin of a girl with no life and no winning attributes at all. I couldn’t stand her, couldn’t handle all of her control issues, and didn’t really want to do it anymore.

I all but moved out, moved home at the end of the semester, and only thought of her again when Stimpy and I would get together and make fun of her.


5 or so years pass, and on my wedding day, my bridal party and I went to the salon to get our hair and makeup done. I was on complete edge, running on adrenaline, and freaked the fuck out.

My mother had showed up to get her hair done completely wasted and I promptly cried off all the makeup that had been applied. The makeup artist was so sweet to me, redid it all, and talked me down (along with some of my girls, of course).

When it was time to go to the church and put on the pouffy white dress, so I hopped off the salon chair, gabbing with Stimpy and Ashley and this girl walks by. Literally the last person I’d expected to see on MY WEDDING DAY was right there. I’d have frankly been less surprised to see Vincent D’Onofrio or Anthony Bourdain walk in together, with their dicks dancing in unison to a Janet Jackson song.

That’s right, it means butterfly was there, at the salon, on my wedding day.

We said perfunctory hello’s to each other, I explained that I needed to go to MY WEDDING and had to leave, and I haven’t seen her again.

I can’t, however, pass a bottle of wax without remembering the day that she burst into Stimpy’s room with her used wax to display how much hair she’d gotten off her lip.

Fucking Sasquatch.

28 Comments to

“Not With A Bang But A Whimper”

  1. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am Chris Says:

    LMAO! You’ve had good stuff but this one is one of the best. Hey, this could be an HBO series.

  2. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am DOC Says:

    I bet you did hide that remote from her…

  3. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am shay Says:

    How come you have so many crazies around you? Where do these people come from?

    And her lip wax?! Really? EWWWWWWWWWW!!!
    Glad you made it out alive. she doesn’t sound exactly stable if you kwim?!

  4. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am Lindz Says:

    (and no, this Dave is not The Daver. I would never allow a penis that had been inside of it means butterfly to be inside of me. I do have standards, afterall).

    thanks for the clarification, Lol.

  5. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am Kyddryn Says:

    Wow…and I thought my OCD could get rough!

    Meanwhile, at least she didn’t make a candle form the wax, in the shape of a unicorn, and give it to you for Xmas. She didn’t, did she???

    The college I attended didn’t have dorms – they bought an apartment complex nearby and used that, so we had four-bedroom, two-bath flats with tiny kitchens and living rooms…it was hard enough to play nice some days without having to share rooms! Four music students in one flat…heh…we had our own building because they knew they couldn’t room us with anyone else (as an aside – at that school, music was the second most difficult major…right after nursing)!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who STILL doesn’t share her living space well, even with family)

  6. On April 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am Carlynn Says:

    On your wedding day? Oh my word. How bizarre. I love the story about the hair on the wax, that is so gross, so gross. When I’m feeling miserable about my neighbourhood I will remind myself that at least I can go home and shut the door and don’t have to feel the bunk bed swaying as unmentionable things get done. She actually did that while you were in the room? Hello??? She was most distinctly off, but it’s making for some fabulous blog posts.

  7. On April 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am b Says:

    Sasquatch would have had to go to the fucking happy hunting grounds for tearing up MY shit!! And seriously…ewww..she had sex on the top freaking bunk with you underneath? That’s nasty.

  8. On April 22nd, 2008 at 12:40 pm Victoria Says:

    Sweetie – step away from the Hatorade. 😉

  9. On April 22nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm paisana Says:

    Oh, man. Good times at the Maxi pad. You did not tell about how you licked her dorky plastic forks clean, however. And also, remember when she got pissed off at me for writing on her white board? The white board that was IN THE HALLWAY FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF LEAVING NOTES ON?

  10. On April 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 pm paisana Says:

    ooh! and how she broke my bubble chair? TWICE???

  11. On April 22nd, 2008 at 1:09 pm magpie Says:

    Whoa. I had an insane roommate once, but not like that! And there were actually three of us in a suite, so it was two against the crazy one. And I’m still friends with the other one.

  12. On April 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm Natalie Says:

    Wow. And I thought I was a little nuts. (I have never attempted to share a room, because even at a young and tender age I knew I was just whacked out. I drive even my husband insane.)

  13. On April 22nd, 2008 at 12:55 pm Kristine Says:

    Ha! I love it!

    I only wish I had more stories to tell about my insane roommates.

  14. On April 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm kate Says:

    that’s just the very best thing i’ve read…uh, ever. how is this not a book?


  15. On April 22nd, 2008 at 2:43 pm Heather Says:

    Ahhh, Stimpy’s telling your secrets, eh? You plastic fork licker! This was just *too* much; totally laughing my ass off at the scene.

  16. On April 22nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm tash Says:

    HOLY SHIT. That totally means something. It’s a sign. I’m just . . . laughing too hard to figure out what it means. I’ll get back to ya.

    I completely forgot until I read this (lovely how the memory just voids really bad shit right out of there) that my roommate my first year of grad school had a boyfriend who pretty much moved in second semester. Did not pay rent. Ate our food. Used our phone/number to run his business. Which was taxidermy. And when they finally got the fuck out of town for a few days, I opened the freezer to find AN ENTIRE DEAD BIRD IN THERE IN A ZIP LOCK BAGGIE. We had a discussion about boundaries, and I got the hell out next year. I really think sometimes the boyfriend thing brings out the worst in people.

  17. On April 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm DD Says:

    After my first semester rooming with someone, I footed the bill for a private room.

    I came to the conclusion long ago that I, in all my sane-ness, just knew every one around me was batshit crazy.

  18. On April 22nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm kbreints Says:

    Ok– did I miss something? Why are you bringing her up now? Or is that part coming? Just curious how she came up?

  19. On April 22nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    even slayer cannot drown out nasty top bunk roommate sex. you gave me horrible flashbacks to when I had THREE (3) roommates. oy.

  20. On April 22nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm becky Says:

    with their dicks dancing in unison to a Janet Jackson song.

    Becky, that is without a doubt the funniest thing I have heard all month.

    Yes, my most favorite thing to do in the whole entire world is exaggerate…. but DAMN girl that’s funny.

  21. On April 22nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm Heza Hekele Says:

    Awesome read. Thanks for the laughs!

  22. On April 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm Ames Says:

    I can’t believe she really had sex with you on the bottom bunk…how disgusting is that? I think I would have beat the shit out of her right then and there

  23. On April 22nd, 2008 at 7:33 pm Dr. Grumbles Says:

    I had the crazy roommate, too. I think they assign them so everyone gets one eventually.

    At least she didn’t ask why she wasn’t a member of the bridal party.

  24. On April 22nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    So funny!!!

  25. On April 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 pm pamajama Says:

    This is so freaking funny, especially the last line. Who in the hell shows off their used hairy wax? OMG

  26. On April 23rd, 2008 at 7:46 am LaskiGal Says:

    I am no remembering my roomie days. I think I was the weird one!!! I really do. I was so clueless back then. The only good news is that I met up with my college roommate and she talked about how she thought I was normal and she was weird. Hmmm…

    I can NOT compare with your roomie. Nope. No issues with wax . . . PHEW.

  27. On April 23rd, 2008 at 2:18 pm Karen Says:

    I always say “The Sex” and everyone always makes fun of me. You are my hero

  28. On April 24th, 2008 at 7:28 am Jerseygirl89 Says:

    She sounds like a total piece of work. I’m inspired to write about my crazy roomie, Julie-the-Ho.

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