Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Not Quite Storage Wars


*sitting in the garage, drinking a diet Coke, taking a break from making the exterior of my home look as though recluses live here. CREEPY ones, I mean, not just boring old me.*

Aunt Becky: “I have no idea what I won in the [Band Back Together] auction.”

The Guy On My Couch: *nods*

Aunt Becky: “I know I got outbid on a bracelet I wanted.”

The Guy On The Couch: *nods*

Aunt Becky: “People are hardcore about auctions. That’s why I’m afraid of eBay. *shudders*”

The Guy On My Couch: “You’d get waaaaay too into it – I can see you with a garage full of your winnings.”

Aunt Becky: “Hehehe. Yeah.”

The Guy On The Couch: “You’d totally get a Storage Locker and end up defaulting and have your shit go up on Storage Wars*.”

Aunt Becky: “No. Fucking. Way.”

The Guy On The Couch: “Where would you put it?”

Aunt Becky: “Anywhere but there. I’m terrified of Storage Lockers. You know the ones over by the McDonald’s? I get the heebie jeebies whenever I go by it.”

The Guy On The Couch: “Hahahaha. Really?”

Aunt Becky: “Yeah. I’m always afraid there’s a dead body in there. I mean, WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU PUT IN A STORAGE LOCKER?”

The Guy On The Couch: “Crap from your dorm room?”

Aunt Becky: ” Ugh *shudders* no. Dead bodies.”

The Guy On The Couch: “I bet it’s safe to say that there’s a dead body in a storage locker somewhere around here.”

Aunt Becky (eyes widen): “Do you think it’s stuffed?”

The Guy On My Couch: (thinks)

Aunt Becky: “You know, all taxidermied and shit? Like people do to animals?”

The Guy On My Couch: “I’m sure there’s one out there SOMEWHERE. Prolly not as close as a regular dead body, though.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m gonna put in my will that I want to be taxidermied, dusted, and moved from children’s houses on a rotation schedule. Four to five months, I sit in each of my kid’s house. In the living room – potentially in the big picture windows, occasionally moving to the table for “dinner.””

The Guy On My Couch: “….”

Aunt Becky: “I’m getting back at them for making me birth them – shit, have you SEEN the size of their heads?”

The Guy On My Couch: *shakes his own large head* “Yeah, yeah I have.”

Aunt Becky: “Payback. And those twerps best not be throwing me into a storage locker. At least, not all year long.”

The Guy On My Couch: “You’re going to have a painfully long last will and testament, aren’t you?”

Aunt Becky: “We’ll be measuring it in miles, not sheets of paper.”

The Guy On My Couch: “Just don’t tell the kids – or they’ll be sure to stuff you in a locker they default on.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m adding it to my list, thanks.”

*surprisingly interesting show, by the by.

9 Comments to

“Not Quite Storage Wars”

  1. On April 9th, 2012 at 10:24 am Fearless Fibro Warrior Says:

    LOVE Storage Wars. And Hoarders, which is usually followed by me, throwing out tons of stuff, when I’m not sympathizing with the hoarder.

    I think they should be able to do taxidermied people and animals, with movable joints, like a life-size Barbie. Then, it could be posed for holidays–one day, you could have them assist at the door, holding jackets and purses. Or you could balance a tray on their arms for hors d’ouvres.

  2. On April 9th, 2012 at 10:47 am Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahahaha yeah, I don’t wanna go digging around old storage lockers either. Creepy. I picture rats and ghosts, mostly.

  3. On April 9th, 2012 at 10:49 am Cindy Says:


  4. On April 9th, 2012 at 11:04 am Grace Says:

    I used to manage a storage site. No, you definitely don’t want to know what’s in some of those units. I still get the heebie geebies over some of that stuff! {shivers}

  5. On April 9th, 2012 at 2:00 pm Kristin Says:

    I’m glad to know there is someone else out there whose thinking is as fucked up as mine is. I was threatening to demand my children bury me in a classic Mustang.

  6. On April 9th, 2012 at 2:08 pm Meredith P. Says:

    I love Storage Wars, but I really love Hoarders because it makes me feel sooooooo good about my only slightly cluttered home ;).

  7. On April 9th, 2012 at 3:20 pm Tonya Says:

    This makes me feel slightly less fucked up for telling my sister that she better not die before me or I will ” Paint your ass up like a HOOKER for your viewing.” I mean at least I didn’t say I would stuff her and leave her in a storage locker right?

  8. On April 9th, 2012 at 4:02 pm Mrs. One Day Says:


  9. On April 10th, 2012 at 2:41 pm stephgas Says:

    storage wars is fixed, i hear. they plant things in those lockers. and i fucking hate that one guy. i don’t know his name because i only watched two episodes and got bored.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...