Mommy Wants Vodka

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Nobody Double-Fists Bacon Like YOU!


A couple of weeks ago was my mother’s birthday. I know this because my eldest called me in DC and was all, “OMG MOM, IT’S GRANDMA’S BIRTHDAY,” to which I replied inelegantly, “oh FUCK.” I’ll blame the migraine and not my inability to keep track of dates.

Luckily, Daver ran point, got my mom a cake and sang Happy Motherfucking Birthday to her while I lounged about in my hotel room, ordering room service, bitching about the 26% surcharge.

Yesterday, we made my mom take us out for tapas to celebrate her date of birth. Also: the Daver’s.

It dawned on me while I was getting ready that morning that I had not thought to buy her anything. Like I said, I’m not particularly smart OR thoughtful, so you know.

On the way there, stunningly late (I abhor lateness, which should go against everything you’ve ever thought about me), I realized that there was only one cure for this horrifying oversight: AN AWESOME GIFT.

My mother, not being particularly sentimental, was going to love it, I knew. I just knew I was going to make up for YEARS of crappy gift certificates from places she’d never visited. All of those crappy shirts that said, “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH,” I’d given her would be erased with one. simple. gift.

I was stoked. I was relieved. I was thrilled. I was hungry.

What? We were going out to BRUNCH, not CHURCH.

So I waited, stuffing my face with bacon-wrapped dates until the moment was perfect.

And? It was:

I gave her the Bacon/Encased Meats Monster.

She seemed less thrilled than I thought, but I bet she’s simply containing her glee. Because, um, obviously.

10 Comments to

“Nobody Double-Fists Bacon Like YOU!”

  1. On September 26th, 2011 at 12:46 pm Brandon Says:

    Viva le Bacon!

    Speaking of, you’re probably not following me on twitter (*cough* @Ida_Homie *cough*) but I just posted a tweet you’d love.

    I went into a local coffee shop, ordered a latte and a breakfast sandwich. They tell me “Sorry, sir, we are out of bacon.” In my best Darth Vader Scream, I went NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    I mean, seriously. Any business serving breakfast lives and dies by their bacon. I was tempted to start a bacon-riot, to teach them a lesson.

  2. On September 26th, 2011 at 1:36 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    Everyone would love that. EVERYONE. Some people won’t admit they want it. Some won’t admit they like it. Deep down inside though… it’s the perfect gift for humanity.

    PS. He should be in commercials. Seriously. One for bacon obviously, but others too!

  3. On September 26th, 2011 at 3:32 pm Kirby Says:

    How about bacon salt?

  4. On September 26th, 2011 at 6:59 pm Joules Says:

    I’m a fucking vegetarian and even *I* would love that.

  5. On September 26th, 2011 at 7:24 pm Melissa Eaton Says:

    I think you were at my favorite tapas place. I recognize the room. Those bacon-wrapped dates are AWESOME.

  6. On September 26th, 2011 at 10:20 pm Kristin Says:

    How could she not be thrilled with that gift?

  7. On September 27th, 2011 at 8:45 am Whitney Soup Says:

    seriously, the hot dog and french fries couldn’t look more delicious in that photo.

  8. On September 27th, 2011 at 10:48 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Any birthday with bacon is a happy birthday. I’m pretty sure that’s a solid life lesson.

  9. On September 27th, 2011 at 11:11 am Pam Says:

    She was totally thrilled I’m sure. She just didn’t want to make other people jealous!

  10. On September 27th, 2011 at 12:45 pm Marta Says:

    I mean what? Clearly that’s an amazing birthday gift and she should be stoked. Now think of all the awesome bacon things she will have to make you in gratitude!

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