Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Had A Dream

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The rest of my shirts are here.

Before you click away, horrified that I’m about to launch into a detailed description of a dream I had about my cats going snowboarding, don’t worry, Pranksters. I know the painful retelling of dreams is second only to memes as “most annoying thing on the Internet*.”

In the Paleolithic era, when my inbred cousins were dinosaurs, I was a small child. Let’s call me “Young Aunt Becky,” because that makes the assumed familiarity sound a lot more white trash. My parents were hippies, hopelessly stuck in an era of Wall Street Boy Wonders snorting piles of coke of three thousand dollar an hour hookers, and mullet-ed Trans Am owners trying to get chicks in bikinis to lay on their car hoods while Whitesnake blasted in the background. Needless to say, they were entirely lost in this brave new world.

(pointless sidebar: weren’t we all?)

We we were a civilized bunch, if it killed my mother, we’d attend the ballet, the symphony, and the opera. While my friends visited Salmonella-infested water parks during their “family days,” my parents dragged us to look at the dusty rocks that had once resided in the pancreas of Catherine the Great. You tell me who won on “family fun days.”

And you can forget listening to Bret “I Have VD” Michaels croon about roses and thorns – that shit was beneath us. While the rest of the world fawned over Axl Roses’s mullet, we listened to public radio. All day. Every day. Most of the time, I tuned it out.

That was, of course, until the day I heard one of the commentators on NPR lose their fucking shit. See, for those of you not forced to listen to tragedies about billions of babies dying in a country I couldn’t locate on a map, public radio does their own ads. So instead of hearing Billy Mays screaming in the middle of a coke binge about my “whites getting even brighter!” It would just be one of the droning voices reading ad copy into the microphone.

And, I learned that day, it was live.

I couldn’t have been more than eight the first time I heard someone say the word “pube” on the airways. In fact, the word was so innocuous that I didn’t even recognize it for the comedy genius it is. There is no finer word in the English language than “pube,” my Pranksters. I continued going about whatever business it is that eight year olds have before I realized what was going on. My lizard brain recognized that something was gloriously rotten in the state of Denmark when I heard laughter – actual, real, laughter – emerging from the stereo. I dropped whatever I was doing and began to listen.

Did NPR REALLY just say a naughty word?

Between giggles and guffaws, the commentator choked out a few words I did happen to recognize: “shit,” “it sounds so sexual *bwahahaha* just *gasps for air*” before someone interrupted and continued in the sober, drab, dull-as-dry-toast commentary I’d grown accustomed to.

That was my first experience with the miracles of naughty words on NPR. And it left me with the singular desire to have more, MORE! debauchery, more nasty, more gross, more AWESOME words on public radio. For years, I suffered through other people listening to public radio in my presence – some would cluck their disapproval when some far-away land experienced a life-shattering earthquake, while I, having spent my young life listening to these tragedies, played an eternal loop of Britney Spears in my head. Accused once of “not caring” about the “social injustice in the world,” I merely laughed – this coming from a slacktavist who worked at a garage door company. I was in nursing school at the time.

Still, I listened diligently. And still, I heard nothing. No “pubes,” no “shit,” no maniacal laughter when someone fucked the shit up on NPR. Not a single naughty word on NPR was to be had; instead, I had to listen to people who spoke through a mouthful of grogginess in a sleep-inducing lull. And nothing. I’d nearly given up my dream of listing for naughty words on NPR.

That was, until Thursday, when I was finally able to cross an item off my ever-implausible bucket list.

I stepped into a cab Thursday morning, dodging the icicles hanging precariously from the tall building, glinting sinisterly in the early morning sun. I announced my intended address to the cabbie and away we went. I stared out the window, trying to rattle my brain into coherency as we drove, halfway listening to NPR while trying to connect still-asleep synapses.

And there it was.

Completely detached and speaking through a mouthful of marbles, an NPR announcer made my dream come true without even realizing it. Barely listening, my ears perked up when she said in a dull monotone, “Poo.”

While it’s not the “motherfucker,” I’d been praying for since I was 8, it was a damn good substitute. Like most people, I find the word poo hilarious, in part because my hippie parents insisted we refer to bodily functions as they were named. We did not shit. We did not piss. We “urinated.” We “defecated.”

I’m not in the slightest bit ashamed to admit that the word “poo” still sends me into gales of laughter. Which is precisely what I did when I heard it in the cab. I laughed until a stream of saline spurted from eyes and rolling down my face. My sides hurt. My back ached. I pulled an intercostal muscle. And I didn’t care. The pain meant nothing.

I had finally realized my dream. NPR said naughty words to the sounds of my thrilled – yet cold – ears. And, my Pranksters, there is nothing sweeter than that.

Somewhere, my parents are feeling an intense pull of pride toward their only daughter…

…or not.

*I am the second-most annoying thing on the Internet.

Okay, Pranksters, YOUR TURN – what’s the most ridiculous have on your “I must do this before I die” list? (I overarching loathe the term “bucket list”)

14 Comments to

“I Had A Dream”

  1. On January 6th, 2014 at 6:01 pm Kristin Says:

    And, Aunt Becky, this is one of the the many reasons I love you!

    I want to see the president, any president, lose his (or her) shit on air during a live speech.

  2. On January 6th, 2014 at 6:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That would be breathtaking.

  3. On January 7th, 2014 at 4:04 pm Beth Says:

    I second that emotion!

  4. On January 7th, 2014 at 9:25 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  5. On January 6th, 2014 at 6:13 pm steph gas Says:

    i want to make a costumed character at disney world talk to me. they can’t talk onstage in the presence of guests. only the ‘face’ characters, the ones who don’t wear masks, can speak.

  6. On January 6th, 2014 at 6:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now THAT is brilliant!

  7. On January 6th, 2014 at 6:23 pm nikkiana Says:

    I’m jealous now. I want to hear some NPR dirty words!

  8. On January 7th, 2014 at 9:26 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was, quite literally, a defining moment in my life.

  9. On January 6th, 2014 at 9:44 pm Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife Says:

    The most ridiculous item on my bucket list is “see a fox.” My husband has been gloating about this baby fox he saw frolicking (his word not mine) in a meadow on his way to work almost six months ago. I am incredible jealous and miffed considering he’s so unimpressed with animals.

    I have never seen a fox in real life…they’re never in the exhibits at the zoo. While driving to a family function we passed a dead one on the side of the road but I didn’t even get to see that one because I was distracted by the needs of someone else in the car. Then at that same family function, every one at the house BESIDES me and the sister-in-law I was talking with saw a damn fox in the backyard.

    So yeah…a fox.

  10. On January 7th, 2014 at 9:26 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I so saw one a couple of months ago – I live in the Fox Valley. You’re SO welcome to come hang!

  11. On January 7th, 2014 at 6:13 am todoariawerbowy Says:

    I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your blogs really nice, keep it up!

    I’ll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back later.
    All the best

  12. On January 7th, 2014 at 2:26 pm CycleNinja Says:

    When I worked in radio, our news director once had a story about a fire at the Huck Finn Shopping Center in Hannibal, MO. She accidentally transposed the first letters of Huck and Finn. Not NPR, but still awesome.

  13. On January 7th, 2014 at 9:26 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’d have DIED of the awesome.

  14. On January 8th, 2014 at 1:47 pm Adult Ditch Day (Or My First Snow Day) | Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] « I Had A Dream […]

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