Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

My Optic Nerve Brings All The Boys To The Yard

May10

Aunt Becky: “Thanks for picking my ass up from the optometrist, yo.”

The Daver: “Not a problem.”

Aunt Becky: “I should have you know that the optometrist says that my optic nerve is BEAUTIFUL.”

The Daver: “Well, that WAS the first thing I noticed about you. Your sexy optic nerve.”

Aunt Becky: “Naturally! My optic nerve brings ALL the boys to the yard.”

The Daver: (laughs)

Aunt Becky: “Oh, hey, can you run in to pick up my Thai food?”

The Daver: “You should SO go in while you’re wearing those disposable sunglasses.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ll probably cause a riot with the guys throwing themselves at my feet. I mean, did you SEE how hot I am in these shades? THEY HAVE NO SIDES.”

The Daver: “You look like Morpheous from the Matrix.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m CLEARLY from the future and that will cause people to riot in the Thai place and plus my head is throbbing, so can you please get my food?”

The Daver: “RED PILL OR BLUE, BECKY?”

Aunt Becky: “The answer is ALWAYS “C,” The Daver.”

The Daver: “Touche.”

Aunt Becky: “Now I want some freeze dried ice cream with Vicodin on top. Because it’s ALSO from the future. My drug addiction will go hand-in-hand with my new cat’s eye rhinestone glasses.”

The Daver: “Your optic nerve better hope it attracts a new husband. And fast.”

Aunt Becky: “My optic nerve won’t fail me, baby. Now grab me that motherfucking Pad Thai.”

73 Comments to

“My Optic Nerve Brings All The Boys To The Yard”

  1. On May 10th, 2010 at 9:57 am Peggy Brister Says:

    Dude, we so wanted a picture of those badass glasses.

  2. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I actually looked around to see if I could find them. Turns out, they were so sexy, they disappeared.

  3. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:02 am TeacherMommy Says:

    You is a sexy biotch, yo.

  4. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Awww, YEAH.

  5. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:07 am Tiffany Says:

    That optic nerve of yours has got it GOIN’ ON. LOL. I LOVE those glasses, everytime I go to the eye -doctor I forget my darn sunglasses. It never fails.

  6. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I couldn’t BELIEVE I’d forgotten my sunglasses…or how sexy I looked in the ones they gave me. Fuck Ray Bans, baby. GET ME SOME FREEBIES.

  7. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:33 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Things guys look for in women at bars:
    1) A small purse or a purse large enough to easily transport alcohol.
    2) A love of dinosaurs.
    3) An inability to distinguish between a group of men.
    4) A freaking awesome optic nerve.

  8. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    If you substitute “viruses” for “dinosaurs” I’m gonna TOTALLY rock the party. What party? ALL OF THEM.

  9. On May 10th, 2010 at 9:53 am Miss Grace Says:

    Jesus you are sexy.

  10. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m beyond sexy.

  11. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:12 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I want to lick those beyond sexy eyeballs.

  12. On May 10th, 2010 at 9:54 am Sarah P Says:

    Yeaaah. Like he’s going to find a better optic nerve. Who is he kidding?

  13. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    There may be younger optic nerves out there, but are they as dead sexy as mine?

  14. On May 10th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Sarah P Says:

    ^^ is what I’m saying.

  15. On May 10th, 2010 at 9:58 am Mandi Bone Says:

    Where is the pictures of you looking HAWT in those glasses.

  16. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    If I could find the glasses, I’d totally hook it up. I’ll be Morpheous for all of you. You’d weep with the beauty of it all.

  17. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:37 am Mandi Bone Says:

    I am going to weep at the beautiful pictures of you and @alotofnothing together soon.

  18. On May 10th, 2010 at 9:59 am pattypunker Says:

    somehow i knew you had optic nerve dougie. the daver better stay on his toes.

  19. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I may bring the cruise ship men to their KNEES.

    Wait…ew.

  20. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:06 am Quiet Dreams Says:

    I’d love to be a fly on the wall of your house. Then you’d say, “Why is that fly laughing so hard?”

  21. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You are SO welcome to move in.

  22. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:07 am Tweets that mention Wherein I am being divorced: -- Topsy.com Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, Michael Rusk. Michael Rusk said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Wherein I am being divorced: https://mommywantsvodka.com/my-optic-nerve-brings-all-the-boys-to-the-yard […]

  23. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:21 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Now, if you took the freeze dried ice cream and vicodin and crushed it over top of the pad thai, you’d have a meal that would be too awesome for a motherfucking plate.

  24. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now when I am on Death Row, THAT will be my last meal.

  25. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:32 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    Your optic nerve could attract some new wives. Because it is that rock star-tastic and hawt!

  26. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think I need a wife. GOOD CALL.

  27. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:34 am soccermom Says:

    Your too funny, that brings a new meaning to that song.

    So whats up with your eyes?

  28. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m colorblind. That’s nothing new, but everyone gets all excited when they realize it.

  29. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:35 am Andrea Says:

    THAT was pure awesomeness.

  30. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahaha. Not as awesome as my Pad Thai, which was actually a steaming plate of BROCCOLI. Damn diets.

  31. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:39 am dualmom Says:

    I want a sexy optic nerve….and pad thai.

  32. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You can admire mine…from afar. Like a paparazzi!

  33. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:45 am Molly Says:

    One more thing for me to have The Jealous about you – if only my optic nerve was as awesome as yours. Le Sigh.

  34. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Don’t you wish your optic nerve was as hot as mine?

  35. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:47 am Kim Hartman Says:

    Seriously, I’m exhausted and cranky, but just read this exchange and seem to be perking up. I’m laughing out loud.

    Pad Thai……

  36. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Mmmmmm….Pad Thai….Mmmmmmmm.

  37. On May 10th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Kate Says:

    It’s your optic nerve that brings all the boys? Huh. I thought for sure it would be your mad bedazzling skillz! 😉

  38. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:23 am Kristin Says:

    Mmmmmmmm, ice cream with a vicodin topper.

  39. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Beats the shit out of sprinkles.

  40. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:33 am Kristy Says:

    Will you share your vicodin laced ice cream with me?

  41. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hells yes, baby! Come on over!

  42. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:34 am Rebecca Says:

    Apparently Joeys optic nerve looks pristine. The word the ophthalmologist used when looking deep into his baby blues. MRI’s said the optic nerve looks great….now we’re doing a visual acuity test in a couple of days to see how he sees…I guess………….Anyway, congrats on your sexy nerves!

  43. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    YAY! That’s awesome! I’m more excited for him than I am for me.

  44. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:51 am terri Says:

    damn right, it’s better than yours, i could teach you, but i’d have to charge. you are a scream queen of the funniness of it all. now go get me that freeze dried bowl of ice cream, sprinkled with vicodin and add some phenobarbatol this time. i am not going to continually remind you of how i like my fucking ice cream. now move it.

  45. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:54 am Lauren Says:

    Gotta love the sexy shades that they give you at the optometrist’s office. They do that to make up for blowing air into your eyes. Fuckers.

  46. On May 10th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Minnie Says:

    No pictures?

    For the first time every, Aunt Becky disappoints.

    But I SO have a pair of bedazzled cat-eyes.

    Wearing them brings sexy back HARD to the 70+ set.

  47. On May 10th, 2010 at 12:14 pm Jenn Says:

    Those glasses ROCK. 🙂
    Also? I love it when you post conversations from your household. Never fails to amuse.
    xoxo

  48. On May 10th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Badass Geek Says:

    There is no spoon.

  49. On May 10th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Kelly Says:

    I love a woman who knows just what to say to her husband. This could have been a conversation between me and my darling dork.

  50. On May 10th, 2010 at 12:22 pm meredith Says:

    bahahahaha! excellent!

  51. On May 10th, 2010 at 1:15 pm toywithme Says:

    Find those seductive shades & cover up that sexy optic nerve of yours. How will I ever get ANY boys in my yard with you wandering around flashing your shit? I wonder if free booze beats out a sexy optic nerve?

  52. On May 10th, 2010 at 1:20 pm Melissa Says:

    Wait, did you say you are colorblind? Is it to just certain colors?

  53. On May 10th, 2010 at 1:34 pm BigSis Says:

    Hysterical! With a title like that I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.

  54. On May 10th, 2010 at 1:54 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    I hate you for saying the words “pad thai”. Seriously, I would shank a bitch for some good pad thai right now.

    Also, your optic nerve is TOTALLY the reason I fell in love with you.

  55. On May 10th, 2010 at 3:07 pm Alexandra Says:

    Is it better than an oxycontin topping?

    Get back to me before 10 PM.

    Thanks…

  56. On May 10th, 2010 at 2:44 pm Dora Says:

    Yeah, yeah, we know you’re hawt. Now how about sharing that pad thai?

    BTW, you haven’t visited me lately. I know I’ve been a blogging slacker, but go check out the adorableness. xoxo

  57. On May 10th, 2010 at 3:19 pm Inna Says:

    My optic nerve had to walk home by herself in the sunlight after the eyes got dilated. I wish the Daver could have picked me up and brought me thai food. 🙂

    And I could tell from miles away that you had a sexy optic nerve!

  58. On May 10th, 2010 at 3:19 pm MommyLisa Says:

    How would you shake a freeze dried ice cream shake??? hmmm

  59. On May 10th, 2010 at 5:16 pm Wombat Central Says:

    I always follow the BYOS rule (bring your own sunglasses) so I don’t have to sport those bad mofos. Sexy as they are, I don’t want to have to fight off the hotties when I can’t focus on anything closer than 10 feet away.

  60. On May 10th, 2010 at 5:45 pm Krissa Says:

    At this point I am consumed with worry…
    DID YOU EVER GET THE DAMN THAI FOOD?

  61. On May 10th, 2010 at 6:02 pm mumma boo Says:

    So that’s what they mean when they say beauty is on the inside – the optic nerve. Who knew? You, apparently.

  62. On May 10th, 2010 at 6:27 pm Katie G. Says:

    I hope to god your conversations really go like this because you are my fucking hero.

  63. On May 10th, 2010 at 6:56 pm Yvonne! Says:

    i’m a technician for an ophthalmologist (yes, i spell that wrong that first time, every time). we have super spiffy glasses in various neon colors. the green ones are my fav.
    my optic nerves have significant cupping. i’m also a dd. there’s cups everywhere.

  64. On May 10th, 2010 at 7:33 pm Gadgerson Says:

    You are so fucking hot!!!!

  65. On May 10th, 2010 at 7:57 pm Coco Says:

    You can kick Neo’s butt, I bet. JUST WITH YOUR OPTIC NERVE.

  66. On May 10th, 2010 at 8:20 pm Evil Sheep Says:

    Yay, someone else who is color blind. Mine is blue and green, which always flips people out. After 10 years of marriage, my wife will still say things like “Can you grab me that blue cup?” Usually the stare reminds her…

  67. On May 10th, 2010 at 8:23 pm katrina Says:

    Ha ha ha!! No wonder you are so sexy and awesome!…alcohol in the coffee in the am……vicodin topping on freeze dried ice cream in the afternoon……I can only imagine what’s in store for after dinner…????

  68. On May 10th, 2010 at 8:47 pm a Says:

    Pad thai…mmm. Now I’m hungry.

    I wish my optic nerves were still sexy. However, they somehow heard that they were turning 40 last year and decided that they would not enforce the rules for the rest of the eye components. So that means I’m going to need reading glasses one of these days.

  69. On May 10th, 2010 at 10:35 pm carissajaded Says:

    I love you so much right now.. and would love you even more if you could send me a vicodin to slip in my coffee…

  70. On May 10th, 2010 at 11:11 pm GingerB Says:

    Pad thai is good for most of what ails you, unless it is excessive sexiness.

  71. On May 11th, 2010 at 7:59 am Melissa Says:

    Pad Thai scares me. Does it have that awful Indian curry that make the whole world smell?

  72. On May 11th, 2010 at 9:43 am adhocmom Says:

    Pain killers and pad thai. That’s what I should have asked for for Mother’s Day. Maybe next year. . .
    x
    Paula
    http://www.adhocmom.com

  73. On May 11th, 2010 at 12:24 pm Nicole Says:

    When I was in paramedic school, one of the ER residents was doing an ultrasound study and asked if she could due an abdominal ultrasound while I was rotating through. Her conclusion? I have a beautiful spleen. To this day I share that fact with nearly everyone I meet.

    Your beautiful optic nerve and my beautiful spleen could make beautiful music. Or at the very least, get really drunk and have raunchy sex.

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