Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Moon Bounce Your Way To My Heart.


First, I have to say that I love you all so much that I am thoroughly overwhelmed by all of your love. Thank you.


So when I say that I’m “not a wedding person,” it’s kinda like saying, “I’m a little stupid.” They’re both understatements that lead to things like, oh, losing your best friends and having to go topless, while riding an angry llama down the aisle of a church* as retaliation.

Weddings are bullshit, Pranksters. I’m love a party like I love a parade, but maybe it’s too many years of serving rubbery chicken and listening to the same vows over and over, or maybe it’s attending the same wedding over and over, I don’t know, but I’d rather gnaw off my fingers than go to a wedding.

I need to be clear: marriage, I’m all for marriage. I am also all for parties, open bar, and gatherings that include dressing up and/or humiliation of my best friends. But please, spare me the Funky Chicken. Take back your plate of gelatinous fish. It’s all the same rinse, repeat, cycle over and over again.

As for me, I’d be down with a quickie Vegas wedding, if I had to have one at all. Frankly, I’d get married in a Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt and happy pants at the JOP office. I love Pomp and Circumstance and any chance to drip with diamonds, but not when I have to fake brideliness.

Last weekend, I’d been invited to a wedding for one of my oldest friends, and, oddly (I say oddly because you’ll actually know them, Pranksters), the friends who make my SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH SHIRTS.**

I had no freaking idea what to expect out of this wedding other than that it was in Indiana, which is a state (apparently) that borders the state that I live in (no, not chaos. Illinois) where I have never been. I’ve lived in Illinois my whole life and never been to Indiana or *looks at map* Iowa.

So it was going to be an adventure. Especially since shit has been so fucked up that I’ve been more scattered than normal and barely got a babysitter for the kids in time to go. Because I thought the wedding was this weekend. (I also booked the wrong plane tickets for Type A Mom, which goes to show that my mind has really been elsewhere).

Hitting the road Saturday morning, it dawned on me that Indiana is one of those fucked up states that is a different time zone than Illinois, which operates under the superior time zone of Central Standard Time. Quickly, I whipped out my iPhone and googled the name of the teeny town that the wedding was held in and sure enough, there it was, Eastern Standard Time. Which meant that I was now an hour late.

I’m sorry, but states that butt-hump each other should NOT be on different time zones. When I rule the world, along with mandatory naptime I will make sure that this is the law.

Because I can’t keep anything to myself, I told Twitter, who had a hearty laugh at me, patted my head like the good dumbass that I am, and then the open road called to me. Shockingly, through some miracle of space and time, the wedding was NOT on EST and therefore I was early. Huh.

Indiana, oh, Indiana, I have to say that I love you since you are not Wisconsin, the archenemy of Illinois, but really, I’m not sure that you altered my perception of the world. Except that I learned that Air Supply was still touring. Casinos. In Indiana. I got horribly depressed about that, even though I didn’t know any Air Supply songs.

Anyway, back to the wedding.

First thing I noticed was that although the invitation said this would be a wedding in a barn and backyard, it was freaking awesome. I think barn, I think people humping sheep. This was not that kind of barn, Pranksters. THIS barn had stainless steel appliances, a full bar, a full bathroom with a shower, a pool table, slot machines, and immediately I tried to move in.

I probably would have to remove the bar signs, but I was okay with that. It also needed a pinball machine. I desperately require a pinball machine.

I was aghast that a barn could be cool. I’d always assumed that barns were merely used as a place for animal husbandry.

This was the point where I realized that the more pictures I took in the place, the more I could claim that, yes, I did live there. Why the hell else would I have so many pictures of myself there?

It’s also the point where I realized that this barn had a kitchen nicer than my own.

It’s at this point when the homebrew of my Metal Friend Scottie kicked in. Oh, did I mention this was a METAL wedding? And that these people are REALLY why I’m like this? Because it’s true.

The Metal Heads started popping into my pictures. There’s Scottie.

And that would be Evan, one of my BFF’s.

After we got suitably toasty, I watched one of my oldest friends get married. I’ve known him since we were both 14, and it was just so awesome to see, which means that my heart is slowly melting. Shut UP.

Then, the coolest thing I’ve ever seen at a wedding happened: a Moon Bounce was blown up. Dude. Pranksters. At my next wedding, I am SO getting a Moon Bounce AND a Ball Pit (one that hasn’t been peed in by small children) and it’s going to be epically awesome.

During the toasts, which normally are only interesting to the people involved (and then only marginally, because let’s face it, not everyone is a good speech writer, myself included), we toasted to meat. MEAT! Meat is like my third favorite thing on the planet, only beaten by the word “cacophony” and strawberry lip gloss.

Toasting to meat is very serious business, you see.

Metal Weddings are, apparently, the best kinds of weddings. I even remembered all of the stuff I’d learned from strippers over the years. Who knew?

*Okay, it was leading the prayers, but still.

**I’ve been asked about the sizing, and I wanted to tell you that for women, I’d order up a size. They’re SUPER-flattering (in a bizarre twist that I couldn’t even predict), but they do run a little small. For example, I have big boobs, and normally wear a M or L. I wear a L or XL in these shirts. But trust me, you’ll look fucking hot.

Also, colors? I need to reorder shirts and what colors should I order, yo?

P.P.S. If you do buy them, I want to make a Flickr group of Shut Your Whore Mouth Shirts and you should send me a picture of yourself in one. Or doing something weird in one. Because, OBVIOUSLY.

54 Comments to

“Moon Bounce Your Way To My Heart.”

  1. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:19 pm CycleNinja Says:

    Being to like Iowa is like kissing a Wookiee: I can arrange that. They both, however, are overrated. Don’t ask me how I know that.

    And if the Daver’s reading, yes, I WILL send her back. Sorry.

  2. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:21 pm soccermom Says:

    That is one freakin awesome barn.

    I am with you on weddings. I hate them. but then again I am not big on marriage either.

    whats wrong with just hangin out and having a good time.
    for the rest of your lives together?

  3. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:33 pm MommyLisa Says:

    I think a soft color like baby blue or light pink would make the shirts even funnier. 🙂

    At this one place I used to work if you wore light pink or light blue it was a sign that you didn’t want anyone to mess with you that day. I don’t recall why, but…there it is.

  4. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:36 pm Sarah Says:

    Pink shirts. Always, always pink. Once I’m not poor, I am GETTING ONE.

    Also, I feel like you should plan my wedding. Which, actually, is not so much a wedding as a thing with immediate family that’s happening in 39 days. (OH MY GOD!!)

    But a moon bounce and a ball pit? I’m down.

  5. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:42 pm andygirl Says:

    hehe. you said butt hump.

    I have been a bridesmaid so many times that I really have come to hate weddings. when it comes time for the bouquet toss? I duck.

    the best wedding I ever attended was just a party. they had an open buffet (no official wedding cake) of food and desserts, a swing band that played all night, and dancing. no official anything. no speeches. it was a blast.

  6. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:47 pm a Says:

    Indiana, where my relatives live, is very very fucked up when it comes to time. See, they refuse to acknowledge Daylight Savings Time (in, I don’t know, 3/4 of the state?), and so half the time they’re on Central time and half the time they’re on Eastern. CRAZY. But they are filled with barns, but most of the ones I’ve seen contain piglets. Or cows. Or hay and mice.

    Congratulations to your friends. They obviously know how to throw a wedding.

    I would buy a Shut Your Whore Mouth shirt, but Whore is on my list of words I hate. (Moist – isn’t that one of yours?) And crossing out the offending portion would give it a whole different vibe… But, anyway, I vote for purple – and not that insipid lilac shade.

  7. On September 1st, 2010 at 1:56 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    That sounds like a kick-ass wedding!

    And that’s it, I am going to have to get myself one of those shirts. Do you think it would be cool if I wore it to yoga?

  8. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:12 pm JennJenn Says:

    haha… I love weddings – mine especially, but mainly because of the startled looks as I waltzed down the aisle (sort of – it was in a restaurant) on my Mother’s arm, in BRIGHT ORANGE!!!! It was AWSOME!! (spell check doesn’t work on caps). Daddy only made a speech because it was expected (he hadn’t planned on it so it was VERY short and we forgot to thank LOADS of people) and I couldn’t remember how weddings were supposed to go so we just got on with eating and then escaped after throwing thing at people (it was easier than tossing them in the air and hoping no-one killed themselves to catch things like flowers and garters – which I also forgot – thank God for cousins that give a damn!).

  9. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:12 pm Loladarling Says:

    Im terribly worried that my shirt has been lost in the mail!! I ordered it like ten years ( ok two weeks ) ago and still havent gotten it !! Of course, now knowing that the makers of said shirts were busy planning the wedding of the century, I am a little more understanding ! As for weddings, we are actually thinking of sneaking a wedding on our friends and family – just having a big ol shindig in the backyard and then once everyone is good and likkered up, just saying, ” oh by the way, since you’re all here….” What do you think ?

  10. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:13 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    Sounds like my kind of party! Gotta say I agree with you on the wedding thing. I had two of them. The first…all I can say is what a fucking waste of my father’s hard earned $$. The second my husband and I paid for and if it hadn’t been for it being his first wedding I was all about going to Vegas…BABY!

  11. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:19 pm Shari Says:

    Oh, I so wanna know what tiny town you went to here in Indiana. I am in the part of Indiana with the casino boats. Yeah, three of them. One of them I live 3 miles from. Oh and my part of fucked up Indiana.. I am on the Eastern Time zone.

  12. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:23 pm Jennifer Says:

    I hate weddings. I love your blog, and you. You both make me smile.

    Iowa — went there for the first time a few months ago — it pretty much sucks, topography and weather-wise, and that was during (as I was told) “the nice time of the year.” Although, the people are some of the loveliest human beings I have had the pleasure to meet. Too bad they don’t live in Utah. I would like that. Then maybe I could get away with wearing a “Shut Your Whore Mouth” shirt.

  13. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:24 pm habanerogal Says:

    All the way with purple but a darker eggplanty purple. I want this barn to be my home too.

  14. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:26 pm K odell Says:

    oh- they served Beer before the vows? awesome! and homebrew? did the groomsmen wear converse?

    at my imaginary wedding- I want potluck on a ranch. I found the ranch which happens to be a winery too :). I want a cheesy photobooth and kegs of bluemoon beer- but maybe I’ll now want to brew my own- I know how to! and make my own mead while I am at it. I already decided I needed a bouncehouse for the kids, but I’ll add one for the adults- and I don’t want centerpieces- I want games on the table- like “the game of things” which is actually fun to play unlike monopoly. I think the vows should be about 5 minutes long and not have the word obey in them.

    I’ll stick with the pretty dress- though- rather than your tshirt (sorry) I’m a sucker for 1950’s dresses with rainbow petticoats.

  15. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:27 pm Ewokmama Says:

    I think you’re one of the only people I’ve heard of besides me who doesn’t care for weddings. I want to slap myself for having my upcoming wedding. 😛

    Shirts – I want aqua or teal!

  16. On September 1st, 2010 at 2:37 pm Jenn Says:

    That’s a wedding I could handle. I don’t do super-fancy. And black shirts. I want a black one.

  17. On September 1st, 2010 at 3:12 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Toast to bacon. Always toast to bacon.

  18. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    YES! A toast to BACON!

  19. On September 1st, 2010 at 3:24 pm jana Says:

    That’s an epically awesome wedding. Right up there with the one we went to where their first dance was to AC/DC’s “Shook Me All Night Long” and they served box wine and Busch lite in a can 😉

    Off to order a shirt 🙂

  20. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  21. On September 1st, 2010 at 4:22 pm Barbara Says:

    I kind of despise weddings as well because they’re always the same cheesy crap. This wedding sounds like a blast though. I’ve always said I wanted a Halloween themed wedding where everyone came dressed in costume, but I doubt that will happen with my conservative family.

  22. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That would be fun as HELL! That’s why you elope. Seriously.

  23. On September 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm The Mom(aka Amy) Says:

    My next wedding is going to involve Cliver Owen, a large stick and a pair of handcuffs.

  24. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA! I think we should have a double wedding, you and me.

  25. On September 2nd, 2010 at 6:51 pm The Mom(aka Amy) Says:

    Sweet! Would that make us sister wives??

  26. On September 1st, 2010 at 5:48 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Sounds like a cool wedding!

    I vote dark purple and black shirts

  27. On September 1st, 2010 at 5:50 pm KaraB Says:

    I just got married one month ago and I think my wedding was pretty rockin. We had drunken karaoke (I totally rule Bohemian Rhapsody with my BFF Gary), we had various coolers filled with alcohol scattered around and the fams made all the food,there was no bouquet toss/garter throw (I am not a fan) but I did get a half naked lapdance from my new husband. No moon bounce though, my next one (haha) will totally have a moon bounce and pirates, because who doesn’t love pirates?

  28. On September 1st, 2010 at 5:52 pm KaraB Says:

    P.S. My husband wanted me to walk down the aisle to Highway to Hell but that was vetoed by his mom. I totally would have though…

  29. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  30. On September 1st, 2010 at 6:54 pm Hockeymandad Says:

    Did you have an eye exam before you took those pictures? Your eyes are all black and it’s kinda creepy.

    Also, imagine the suckiness of that time zone changing in your own state when you drive to your parents house.

    I think weddings should now have laser tag, or if feeling up to it, paintball. That would rock hard after downing the mandatory free booze.

  31. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was totally wasted.

  32. On September 1st, 2010 at 8:29 pm MeganFox Says:

    That Evan guy looks hot! Why didn’t you marry him? Is he just too awesome for you? Hook a woman up playa…

  33. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He’s been my friend so long he’s practically my brother. I’ll hook you up.

  34. On September 1st, 2010 at 8:56 pm Bodaciousboomer Says:

    After looking at this posting, I just noticed something. I think you look a lot like Jenny, The Bloggess. I assume since you’re also one of the big giant heads of the blogging world than you know each other. Do you?

  35. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I totally know Jenny, but I am not Jenny. I am also not a dude. People always think I am a dude (especially on Twitter). I am not a dude.

  36. On September 1st, 2010 at 9:41 pm Kristin Says:

    That sounds like a freaking awesome wedding.

    As for “Shut Your Whore Mouth” shirts, we totally need tie dyed shirts.

  37. On September 1st, 2010 at 11:01 pm pamtastic Says:

    I believe that is one of the mostest, bestest weddings I’ve ever heard about! Maybe they should start wedding planning services with their t-shirt biz. I see win-win all over that!

  38. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    They really should start a wedding planning service for people like us.

  39. On September 1st, 2010 at 11:17 pm Bellwether Says:

    When I graduated from high school, I got a moonbounce. They are seriously the best toy for grown ups (not saying I was grown up when I got out of high school cause HA).

    This does seem quite awesome.

  40. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude, it was freaking AMAZING. And I never say that about weddings, EVER.

  41. On September 2nd, 2010 at 2:03 am Opto Mom Says:

    Central Standard Time is the shizznit! CST girls are the cutest and have the best boobs…seriously! I know it’s true because I checked it out on snopes…or maybe that was snoops?

  42. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was totally Snoopes. They know EVERYTHING.

  43. On September 2nd, 2010 at 2:07 am GingerB Says:

    Hey Girlfriend! Here’s to me, here’s to you, here’s to sausage.

  44. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ll drink to that!

  45. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:21 am Caroline Says:

    Try living in KY or TN, where the time changes in the MIDDLE of the state. You’re diving down the highway, and it’s 4 o’clock, then all of the sudden it’s 3. Also, I knew a girl from Indiana (Brooke from Brookeston, I know, right?), and she told me that every few years they’ll vote on whether or not to participate in daylight savings, and they don’t. I can’t figure out how they know what time it really is. Now my brain hurts.

  46. On September 2nd, 2010 at 9:40 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! Brooke from Brookeston. Bwahahahahaha!

  47. On September 2nd, 2010 at 7:06 pm Dawn Says:

    You live in Illinois? I have cousins in Illinois! Do you know them? :\

    Also, if you think Indiana’s time zone diff is whack, I live in a 1/2 hour time zone. Fo shizzle. Look WAY east to the Atlantic Standard Time zone and then keep going towards England. See that teeny, tiny half hour different time zone on that forlorn island sticking out into the North Atlantic? That’s Newfoundland! Yes! Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of, a half-hour diff time zone. If the other zones aren’t divided into half hour increments, why is ours?

    I’ve been here 30 years and I should really get over it.

    Glad you enjoyed the wedding.

  48. On September 2nd, 2010 at 7:57 pm ErinEph Says:

    Royal blue makes me look smoking hot, especially up here in the tits area.

    Also, I once moved from Virginia to St. Louis and ended up staying the night in some weirdo motel in Indiana. I was thisclose to Illinois but was so tired, so the whole night I was thinking to myself that I was going to get murdered by a rogue trucker in INDIANA and it was all my fault because I was afraid of falling asleep at the wheel. When I could have just stayed awake until Illinois, which I grew up right next to and am comfortable with as a location.

  49. On September 3rd, 2010 at 10:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Illinois is MUCH less creepy than Indiana. But Wisconsin. FUCK THEM 😉

  50. On September 2nd, 2010 at 7:58 pm ErinEph Says:

    Also, Leffe at a wedding? That’s DELICIOUS. Your friends are no joke.

  51. On September 3rd, 2010 at 10:58 am Amy Says:

    Man I knew I’d been on facebook too much cause I kept looking for a way to “like” your post. I forget on blogs we actually have to communicate that ‘like’ thru actual words rather than hitting a button. Very tricky. I enjoyed your post 🙂

  52. On September 3rd, 2010 at 12:39 pm Sam Says:

    ZOMG! Okay, so I totally *live* in Indiana, aka the “garden spot of the midwest” = not really. True Story: we USED to have NO Daylight Suck Time, and it was AWESOME. We were all, we’re Indiana, we don’t change our clocks, EFF YOU, America! But then our stupid governor was elected (probably not by me but we can’t be sure) and changed it and now we have time that changes and about 18 different time zones throughout the state so we’re all confused and pissed off. And the worst part, Governor Asshat? MY KIDS ARE AWAKE when they shouldn’t be, and I never remember to set my clock and now I have to watch the NEWS. WHATEVER. But your wedding sounds kick ass. I mean, for the garden spot and all.

  53. On September 3rd, 2010 at 7:36 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    there are some parts of indy that don’t change with daylight savings, so part of the year they are EST, and part of the year they are CST. chew on that!

    my parents used to live there, and that always confused me.

  54. On September 11th, 2010 at 6:28 pm The Best Wedding Ever « Jana's Thinking Place Says:

    […] 7:28 pm (Adventure) Well, actually, the best wedding I’ve ever been to. Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka might have been to the best wedding ever…where they had a bounce house and toasted to MEAT. […]

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