Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Monetizing The Cold


Any time you go to a blogging conference or hear about blogging or really blog ever, you hear the word, “monetize” which, I recently learned, has NOTHING to do with Monet’s paintings. I feel both shocked and saddened – like my whole life has been a joke.

(I was also recently horrified to learn that “non-stick” does not ACTUALLY mean “non-stick)(nor do Crab Cakes have CAKE in them)(what is this world COMING to?)

Anyway, I’m not so great at monetizing anything, including my blog, because I’m not very good at anything. Also: who wants to read a hastily thrown together piece about why I think dish soap rules – even if it’s true? Not me.

But thanks to my cess-pool children, I do have a cold. And having a cold sucks. Much as I’d like to sit around the house, flailing my arms and raspily yelling, “WHY GOD, WHY?” I figured that this might be An Opportunity. A GOLDEN opportunity.

Oh yes, Pranksters, I think I finally know what to do to Monetize This Cold: I can become a temporary phone sex operator.

I can see it already.

Me (deep-voiced and raspy): “Hey baby.” *hack, hack, hack*

Him: “Um, so what are you doing right now?”

Me: “Drinking a diet coke and feeling sorry for myself. You?”

Him: “I meant, what are you wearing?”

Me: “A stained tanktop and some gauchos.”

Me: “The tank top is red.”

Him: “Um.”

Me: *coughs loudly*

Him: “So, uh, what do you want to do to me?”

Me: “I don’t know. Take flying lessons?”

Him: “I meant like, do you want to get me naked?”

Me: *sneezes wetly* “EW. NO. I don’t even know you.”

Him: “Do you want me to touch your breasts?”

Me: “GROSS, you creepy old fuck!”

Him: “This isn’t working.”

Me: “You got THAT right, Buddy.”


Hm. So maybe that’s a bad idea. Guess I’ll go back to Moneting things.

13 Comments to

“Monetizing The Cold”

  1. On August 11th, 2011 at 11:15 am Becca Says:

    You have a cold too. Gah. Stop sharing, it’s not caring. My mom has a dog named Monet (yes, after the painter), and every time I read Monetize, I think of him. I guess we’re both in this together.


  2. On August 11th, 2011 at 11:37 am Caroline Says:

    I could never talk about The Sex on the phone b/c I would laugh to damn much!

  3. On August 11th, 2011 at 11:53 am SUPAHMAMA Says:

    Summer bugs are no fun! Unless you use it to Monetize. You crack me up with the crabcakes!

  4. On August 11th, 2011 at 12:26 pm BerserkFather Says:

    Is phone sex even still around? I thought the whole interwebz thing would have killed that off. Or is it just for the really old (who don’t use computers) or non-tech savy? Maybe that could be your niche – phone sex for Luddites!

  5. On August 11th, 2011 at 1:25 pm Sue Robinson Says:

    A tank top and guachos. Best. Line. Ever.

  6. On August 11th, 2011 at 2:14 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    I get a little upset by the phone sex scenarios where the guy is always asking “what do you want to do to me?” Well… how about you do something for a change you lazy ass!?

    Sorry I had to get that off my chest. Speaking of chests… I hope your cold gets better! 🙂

  7. On August 11th, 2011 at 3:09 pm Kristin Says:

    I like your style my friend.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  8. On August 11th, 2011 at 4:21 pm Vesta Says:

    Ah – not the direction I thought the post was going in when I read the title. But so, so much better 🙂

    Oh, and get better soon!

  9. On August 11th, 2011 at 6:05 pm Skattebol Says:

    Well, you could take lessons from the queen of monetizing, The Pioneer Woman, Ms. “Keeping it Real”…. But personally, I prefer reading your blog. It is honest, articulate, funny, and heart-felt. You have a presence in the blogging world and you have not become a brand. Although, I know your post was humor, please keep the tone of your blog. I love coming over to see what you have to say every day….

  10. On August 11th, 2011 at 9:19 pm K A B L O O E Y Says:

    Now write about what you think when you hear about “branding.” BTW: I’ve got a damn cold too and I got it from my kid. At least that’s the story I’m using to drum up pity.

  11. On August 12th, 2011 at 12:04 am Alexis Says:

    Dear Auntie becky,
    My mom called me tonight, and she put my dog on the phone. She’s (the dog, not my mom) a golden retriever we’ve had a long time. Anyway, mom and dad had bacon and eggs for dinner, and the dog was panting and lusting after the bacon. When mom put the phone up to the dog’s mouth, she sounded just like an obscene caller with the heavy breathing. If we could teach my dog to talk, she’s be an excellent 900 number operator. I’ve thought of going into that line of work myself, but my voice is still too immature.

    My parents are moving out of our house while I am away. I have mixed feelings as to whether or not I should visit one last time.

    Any input would be appreciated.
    Niece Alexis

  12. On August 13th, 2011 at 8:43 am Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Brilliant idea! We expect audio recordings to follow…

  13. On August 14th, 2011 at 3:02 am Suzi Says:

    That reminds me of a Friend’s episode where Phoebe was sick and had a super sexy voice that made her songs sound so much better. I think the phone sex operator idea is brilliant. Also, I’d like to see the Moneting version on that. 🙂

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