Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Mommy Wants Pharmaceuticals


It seems only fitting that, like the dead horse this is, the first article I was actually INTERVIEWED for–about Drinking Moms (WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!*) would have aired yesterday, when I was working on the post about using–and abusing–prescription drugs.

Here is the link.

And here is the guest post that I wrote for The Drinking Diaries. I am very, very, very proud of it, but since I didn’t know it was going to put up until right now, I will re-run it later in the week here.


My Dearest Topamax,

I can call you Topamax, right? I know that technically I know you as Topiramate, but that simply doesn’t roll off the tongue with the same lilting lift as “Topamax” does, so we’ll just pretend.

Shh, baby, don’t be like that. It’s the insurance companies coming between us, that’s all.

Because for you, I would do anything. ANYTHING.

Until you, I was in a bad place, Topamax, see, I had a headache for 5 whole months. Maybe even 6. Now, wipe that look off your face, Mister, don’t you be acting like you don’t believe me. I don’t have secrets from you. WHY WOULD I LIE?

Shh, there, there. I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to shout, I’m just tired of people giving me that look. That look that says, “I don’t BELIEVE you.” That look that says, “how could any SANE person last for 5 whole months with a splitting headache?” That look that says, “Bitch, you be looking for my sympathy AND my Vicodin.”

While it’s true, I WOULD take Vicodin over pretty much anything, including (but never limited to): vodka, whiskey, diet Coke (*sobs*), food, water, air, my dogs, my cats, and Dr. House, I’m pretty sure you, Topamax, kick his pasty ass squarely out of bed on his chalky, addictive ass.

Now, sure, your side effects are, well, I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’ll just be out with it: they suck.

My friends on Twitter warned me so, my friends on Facebook pleaded with me to take care (ed note: how the hell did I function before my friends in the computer could tell me important stuff I wouldn’t otherwise know?) so I knew after popping the first of the delightfully teeny-tiny pills that I was in for a doozy of a ride.

First to go was my beloved diet Coke, but for you, Topamax, o! love of my life, anything, even the first love of my life. Honestly, I didn’t mind. If you rid me of my evil demon headaches, I wouldn’t mind if you turned my arms purple and green spotted. Priorities, people.

And, Topamax, please don’t tell anyone, especially that hateful bitch Imatrex, but I’m pretty sure that I’m pregnant with your baby because I am rife with the morning sickness and the nausea. I’d be stuffing my urpy face with saltines if my chemically exhausted butt wasn’t glued to the couch, so instead I moan pitifully at passersby. Like my children. Who are now so sick of me that they’re regularly petitioning for a new mother.

(can you blame them? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!)

This is chemical nausea, so I know better to pee on any sticks, so we’ll keep this between me, you and The Internet, but secretly, I’m thrilled. This is the only pregnancy with which I may actually lose weight instead of grow to water buffalo dimensions! The downside is, of course, chemical nausea which is very different than pregnancy nausea, but shh, honey, it’s okay, Momma still loves you best.

Because with you, my headaches, which have plagued me, making me wonder if maybe, just maybe I was slowly going mad(der), have slowly dissipated. They’re not gone, no, but they’re going. Which is more than that stupid whore Robaxin could ever have claimed to have done for me.

With you, Topamax, I may not be able to drink any longer. Maybe I can’t drive or operate heavy machinery. I may no longer be able to remember the words for certain things, but, between you and I, let’s face it, I couldn’t have done it before, either.

I may suffer morning sickness without the hint of a crotch parasite and vomit at the sound of mac-n-cheese being stirred in a pot. I may be the only un-pregnant, pregnant woman who loses 60 pounds (God willing) by eating approximately 8 calories a day, but I don’t care.

You, my sweet, sweet drug, are worth every blood draw, every dry heave, and every tingly extremity.

Always and forever, or at least until my body goes into toxicity and my organs shut down,

Aunt Becky

*You can quote me. OR Maude Flanders, which is who I am shamefully zoinking this from. But I’m pretty sure she’s a cartoon character who was killed off, so we’re probably all good.

51 Comments to

“Mommy Wants Pharmaceuticals”

  1. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:02 am Mommy Wants Pharmaceuticals | BigB Says:

    […] post: Mommy Wants Pharmaceuticals Share and […]

  2. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:20 am Anjali Says:

    Great interview! I hate that the media still can’t stop finding ways to criticize mothers. Sheesh.

  3. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:31 am Rick Says:

    Oh great! Freakin’ Great! As if my ice cream tasting funny wasn’t enough. You didn’t tell me I was gonna get knocked up. You bitch.

  4. On September 21st, 2009 at 9:55 am MK Says:

    Rock the meds, they need you as much as you need them.

    And score for no more headaches! I can’t imagine.

    Love your quote in the online article – how could I write if I were tanked every day. Heh.

    You’re an amazing woman, and I don’t hand that out often. 😉 Be Well.

  5. On September 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am Kelly Says:

    You are freaking hilarious! I’m glad that your headaches are getting better. I had to deal with migraines from about 10-15 years old. Absolute nightmare.

  6. On September 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am Pete in Az Says:

    The more I read your writing, here and elsewhere, the more admiration(sp) I have for you. You do well.

  7. On September 21st, 2009 at 11:10 am Sharon Says:

    Sigh… Does Topomax have an attractive lesbian sister?

  8. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:16 am Anna Says:

    I think I love you. Do you love me?
    Wait, no, don’t answer. It’s probably too soon, I know.

    If only I could figure out how to blog about my current coctail of Wellbutrin and Lexapro (with a swig of Vodka, anyone?) without offending my family – because, obviously, THEY ARE THE REASON I AM EVEN ON IT.

    I’m sorry for yelling. I won’t do it again (*crunches pills by the handful*).

  9. On September 21st, 2009 at 11:20 am Lola Says:

    The head cold I have mixed with the allergies I already had have caused the worst head/faceache I’ve ever had. I’ve been on the couch for two days, and yet I’ve only slept about an hour. It hurts too much to even sleep. No pills I have on hand are doing a damn thing, so I can understand the love affair. Anything to make the head pain stop!!!!

  10. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:43 am Sam Says:

    Aunt Becky, you have my undying sympathy. I recently suffered my second ever migraine (after a Metallica concert – what bullshit is THAT???) and ended up drugging myself to make. the. pain. stop. I can’t imaging months that way – although this headache hasn’t actually gone away yet either. Six days, personal best! I hope Topamax makes it better for you. I’m going to try to find something via my doctor (instead of me foraging around in the med cabinet trying to find ANYthing that might work….) Good luck and if it works, he should totally be your boyfriend. I’m going to try a date or two with Imitrex – it has to beat the codeine hangover….

  11. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:51 am CA Says:

    Long time lurker…first time commenter….

    I too suffer the terrible rage of migraines…and am prescribed the PILLS OF THE GODS aka Tomapax (sweet sweet Topies) your post had me nodding my head in vigorous agreement! Here is to the abatement of terrorizing migraines!

    PS I kiss (and sometimes sing…) to my rx bottle nightly…

  12. On September 21st, 2009 at 11:16 am Mrs Soup Says:

    HURRAY for Topamax! Not so much for the word-forgetfullness though. Although it is interesting to have our conversations over trying to figure out what word you are looking for is!

  13. On September 21st, 2009 at 11:30 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Are you sure it is the Topomax and not the children that are responsible for the inability to drive and the forgetting things? Because I have that too & I’m not taking Topomax.

    I hear you on the people not believing how long you suffered before getting the good meds. I never had more than 3 non-consecutive hours of sleep for almost 4 years before I met my adored Lunesta and people always give me that “Oh don’t be exaggerating for dramatic effect” look when I tell them about it.

  14. On September 21st, 2009 at 11:46 am Rebecca Says:

    I am so going to start calling my children ‘crotch parasites’ because that is the funniest thing I have heard. Ever! Thanks. Come visit my hood and I’ll treat you to a home made batch of cupcakes. One for your kids and The Daver too. The Daver and my husband can talk mature stuff and you and I can talk serious stuff like crotch parasites, and the kids . . .we’ll let each of them fend for themselves. Because parental supervision is so last year.

  15. On September 21st, 2009 at 11:59 am kyslp Says:

    So are you super- skinny now?

    I almost had to take Topamax a few years back. My Dr. said that she gets teenagers coming in her office and faking migraines hoping that she will prescribe Topamax. They wanted it for the wieght loss side-effect.

    And I was all “Really? Maybe I will take that script…,”

  16. On September 21st, 2009 at 12:10 pm Mwa Says:

    Weight loss? I feel a migraine coming on…

    I could not imagine having a headache for an hour, let alone a whole day. Your case? Merits serious drugs.

  17. On September 21st, 2009 at 12:10 pm birdpress Says:

    Loved the interview and how they let you have the last word!

  18. On September 21st, 2009 at 12:16 pm Suzie Says:

    My mother once asked me, “if you could trade an arm for never having another headache, would you?”. I promptly and without and instance of hesitation (my eye didn’t even have time to attempt to blink) said “Absolutely. Without a doubt. Can it be my left arm though? It’s pretty useless anyway”.

    Best of luck with the Topomax. The weight loss would be incentive enough for me. LOL

  19. On September 21st, 2009 at 12:30 pm Jane Says:

    that god you said what you did in that oh-no-mommies-actually-drink-and-what-societal-woes-have-brought-us-to-this story. someone had to.

  20. On September 21st, 2009 at 12:48 pm Coco Says:

    Oh, Becks, Migraines suck donkey nuts.

    I used to get them so bad I’d throw up. I remember trying to literally freeze my head with ice packs, curled up on the floor next to the toilet. My doc actually had me on phenobarbital for a while, and it worked, but I kept blacking out on it so I had to stop. Then Imitrex. Then Lortabs.

    Then I just stopped getting them as often. Then almost never. It was bizarre. Not that I’m complaining.

    I hope your latest Chemical Lover keeps making you feel the love.

  21. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:57 pm Nicole Says:

    I am all for better living through pharmaceuticals (to the point of looking foward to the end of breastfeeding so I can go on the really good stuff – but let’s keep that between you and me, shall we?)

    I am glad that you have found something that works – side effects and all!

  22. On September 21st, 2009 at 12:58 pm Tricia Says:

    I’m probably not the first to suggest this but I won’t let that stop me… have you considered giving botox a try? I’ve been plagued by headaches for years (though not continual, or I’d have shot myself by now) and nothing helped, until FINALLY, sweet Jesus, I got shot up with that blessed poison. Haven’t had a headache since. And the best part? There was enough leftover to put a few shots in my 49-year-old forehead. Woot! So what if it can be a little hard to hold my head upright sometimes…totally worth it.

  23. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:01 pm cara Says:

    Thank the heavens there is something that works.
    My headaches used to get so bad that the ticking of my wrist watch would make me shudder.

  24. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:18 pm Minivan Soapbox Says:

    Been on that stuff for almost a year now…..It’s great stuff. Little concerned for my future and being able to remember everyones name….But….It’s a trade off. I, however, did NOT get the weight loss side effect. He loves you more than me.

  25. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:19 pm Jeni Says:

    3 cheers for Topamax!! Like any good love affair it has it’s ups and downs 🙂

  26. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:46 pm Daffodil Campbell Says:

    Wheeeee ! Topamax ! Can I just get a hell yeah for finding your own personal wonder drug ? I take such joy in going to my local pharmacy every two months, and carefully sliding my photo ID over the counter to collect my controlled substance of choice. Because if I don’t, I end up in the ER on an IV, whimpering and puking. Like last week. Which was laaaame. (And was also our wedding anniversary – Happy Anniversary Baby ! Can I have a ride to the hospital ?) I would waaay rather have the spins then a migraine !

  27. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:48 pm injaynesworld Says:

    So glad to hear you are off the Diet Coke. That shit is toxic.

    As for drugs, my mantra has always been “Better living through chemicals.” Of course, I started saying this in the 60s (yes, I am that fucking old) and the chemicals were LSD.

  28. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:49 pm ZDub Says:

    Damn, Aunt Becky.

    I hope you are feeling better STAT. Because that is some bullshizz.

  29. On September 21st, 2009 at 2:50 pm Meg Says:

    Yeah, I haven’t lost any weight on it, but I’m still hoping. And the side effect do go away, I don’t have any as long as they don’t mess with my dose. After over a year on it, I am almost mee grim free of my daily crap headaches. But how on earth do we manage to do all the humanly inpossible things we accomplished in a day? we will never know…maybe we are just super heroes in disguise……

    Psst why are you giving up the coke? I think I’m in crack land somewhere I missed something?

  30. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:54 pm Kat Says:

    As a frequent migrainer Midrin was the love of my life. That was until after 3 years of taking it I suddenly became allergic to it. Hives, mindnumbing scratch your skin till it bleeds hives that last for two weeks. A little itch I could take to get rid of the numbing, blinding head pain but not these hives.
    So dr tried me on Imitrex which made me feel like I was having a heart attack. I trully know what the expression of feeling like there is an elephant sitting on your chest feels like. Now she has me taking Fioricet which doesn’t work quite as good and after her talking to me for 20 mins about how addictive they are I’m kinda paranoid to take. Which means I wait to long and could be why they aren’t as effective.

  31. On September 21st, 2009 at 1:57 pm Christa Says:

    I can sympathize with the headaches. I have never had one that lasted 5 months, but I do get migranes on a regular basis. And those migranes usually last 3 to 5 days. No matter how much Excedrine I take it never completely goes away. It only dulls the pain and allows me to function while the monster is in my skull.
    Hmmm.. . .I would love me some wonder drug.

  32. On September 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm Kat Says:

    Ps. Is Topamax an everyday thing to keep the migraines away or is it an as needed thing.

  33. On September 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm sara Says:

    I second the better living through chemicals…but as far as the diet coke? I think I might actually go postal had I ever have to give that up. How oh how would a girl do that? But seriously…the headaches for that long sound AWFUL! Hugs to you…lots of hugs!

  34. On September 21st, 2009 at 2:52 pm Manda Says:

    I don’t know, Aunt Becky. To each his own I guess, but I don’t know if I could deal with all those side effects. Of course, I’m not plagued with My Grains…and I’ve certainly never had a headache for more than a week (And even then it was very low key…like a slight hangover) so maybe I would trade food and maneuverability to get riid of a 6 month old headache.

    Speaking of hangovers, I’m glad you’ve spoken up about the whole cocktail mom issue. For me…well…I dunno. I’m not a mom yet. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, and I myself have been known to over-indulge…but then again, I’m a single woman in my mid 20’s who likes to go out with friends sometimes. I don’t think that’s abnormal. Will motherhood change that for me? Probably not. Will I have to be a lot more careful about it once my daughter is born? Absolutely. I think there are a lot more moms out there who can indulge responsibly than they want you to believe.

  35. On September 21st, 2009 at 4:05 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Yeah. Anything but pain. Especially in the head.
    My mother had a headache for a year and a half. Seriously. And then- they put her on Elavil and it disappeared. Gone. Plus, she’s happier.
    I hope the side effects of the Topamax taper off. In the meantime, enjoy being pain free.

  36. On September 21st, 2009 at 3:43 pm Krissa Says:

    Hey, a little urping never hurt anyone as long as there was no headache attached. And what you seem to be experiencing is a negative pregnancy… you know, where you lose weight instead of gain it? I want me one of those…

  37. On September 21st, 2009 at 4:07 pm a Says:

    I hope your head is better soon…

    Nice job on the comment in the article on drinking moms. The media hype on this is a little silly, but I guess you can’t spend all your time covering Obama’s breakfast or which Republican called him a racist.

    Also, sorry to hear that you’ve had to survive a tumultuous life. I hope that the alcoholism gene never got expressed through your parents. I hope you and your children never have to experience that kind of life.

  38. On September 21st, 2009 at 4:35 pm lydee Says:

    just weaned myself off topomax. couldn’t take it’s highs and lows.

  39. On September 21st, 2009 at 5:08 pm June Says:

    God, I miss Topamax.

  40. On September 21st, 2009 at 5:35 pm Lippy Says:

    Oh, yay I am so happy for you. I hate the way people give that doubtful look when you say you have been in pain for months. Seriously if I was going to lie I would come up with something more plausible,

  41. On September 21st, 2009 at 7:07 pm DG ay Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Good luck with the Topamax, I hope it kicks that smelly whore Migraine all the way to the curb for good!

  42. On September 21st, 2009 at 8:34 pm Karly Says:

    Your interview and guest post were both awesome! And I’m glad your headaches are going away. Yay for Topamax. Which I want to call Tampax because I am a 13 year old boy.

  43. On September 21st, 2009 at 8:21 pm Belle Says:

    OMFG ditto to the forgetting words shit!!! My doctor warned me that that is a somewhat common side effect and I didn’t think much of it… assumed one person made that ridiculous claim and thus, ta-da, it was included in the lengthy side-effects list! BUT o.m.f.g. It’s so true. And the first time it happened I was dumb-founded. I was trying to say that someone dressed up as a ladybug for Halloween, and I was all “you know?? That red insecty-bugish creature? Black dots? Kinda cute?! SHIT!!!!!!!” turning bright red. Gah.
    Let’s just say… I can’t handle that kind of embarrassment regularly and thus, I’m no longer taking Topamax. I switched to a beta blocker… which has lessened the frequency of my headaches… but still not as few and far between as I’d like. 🙁

  44. On September 21st, 2009 at 8:36 pm Kristin Says:

    Aunt Becky, I <3 you and your whacked out sense of humor.

  45. On September 21st, 2009 at 10:23 pm Tawnia Says:

    I understand how you feel! Oh…. the throbbing, and pressure GO away this instant! I have had a headache for about a month solid now. It used to go away for weeks at a time, but now it is there hiding just under the surface waiting to pound me to death! I am ready to call my doc and do what you are doing! Funny that my headaches showed up right after I gave birth to my first child! Coincidence… I think not! Let’s get together take our meds, slam some vodka, and act like we don’t have kids:) lol
    Hang in there girl, I am w/ you!
    Love Tawnia

  46. On September 22nd, 2009 at 12:07 am GingerB Says:

    Drugs? Kinda love ’em. Pain in my head? Kinda can’t tolerate it. Been to the “specialty” dentist again lately. Head hurts. I so feel your pain and am glad you found Mr. T. Put me back in your reader, I miss you, if I ever post again, that is. Must go hit head with hammer now.

  47. On September 22nd, 2009 at 5:49 am Badass Geek Says:

    Chemical nausea. Sounds like some new breed of biological warfare.

  48. On September 22nd, 2009 at 9:52 am Heather Says:

    I take Topomax (my own personal drug love) for migraines that I get due to a brain tumor. I am IN FUCKING LOVE with Topomax. It is the best medication on the face of this planet, and I’m SO GLAD that someone else agrees with me– I kept hearing “NO, NO, NO” when I told people I was (going to be) taking it, but hey! I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT. And those tools are just jealous they didn’t have the weight loss & memory loss side effects 😉

    And I too, gave up my beloved crack, errr, Diet Coke.

    Thanks for making me smile 🙂

  49. On September 22nd, 2009 at 10:10 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    Who cares if your organs shut down and your throw up often IF you don’t have headaches anymore?! YAY for no more headaches. Or at least less of them.

  50. On September 22nd, 2009 at 2:35 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    So, I could stand to lose a few pounds, and I don’t even like diet coke. And I already forget words all the time. Is this the drug for me? Are there any GOOD side effects (besides no headaches). Like, euphoria?

  51. On September 26th, 2009 at 11:59 am lauren Says:

    Mmmm I too love to be medicated. I start taking my Zoloft today, squeeee!! This crazy train stops here!

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