Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Mommy Drinks Because You Lie


(Scene: Aunt Becky, outside, underneath the rosebed, cursing my climbing roses, my lack of gardening gloves, the cats for peeing on my last nice set of gloves, and the stupid privacy screen for holding onto the fungus that causes black spot. The voices of little children can be heard in the background.)

Aunt Becky (fantasizing) “Grumble, grumble, I’ll fucking turn this cat into a fucking pair of slippers for pissing on my gloves.”

Alex, Age 5, (swoops over and plops on a tiny blue child-sized chair): “Mama, I’m bored.”

Aunt Becky: “Go play with Mark Zuckerberg.” (points at the peacock statue under the tree).

mark zuckerberg

Aunt Becky (mutters): “Need to get some statues of the Brothers Winklevii. Flamingos? Gnomes? MOTHERFUCKING BUTTERFLIES?”

Alex (still sitting in the chair, grumbling): “Nah, that’s boring. I wanna swing.”

Aunt Becky: “Wait your turn, J.”

Alex (begins to smile broadly): “Hahahahahaah! Ben* peed in the yard!”

Aunt Becky (turns head in Exorcist-type fashion):Whaaaaat?”

Alex (laughing so hard he can barely breathe): “Yep. He peed on the swing!”

Aunt Becky (recalling a similar incident several days prior): “BEN – GET OVER HERE NOW.”

Alex (giggling manically- scatological humor is, apparently, genetic): “He just whipped his penis out and started peeing!)

Aunt Becky (Furious George – about to throw down)

Ben (wanders over and looks down at me, under the rosebush, clearly confused): “What’s up, Mom?”

Aunt Becky (teeth gritted): “Did you pee in the yard – AGAIN?”

Ben (confused look): “No?”

Aunt Becky (knowing this child conveniently “forgets” things he’s done unless I’m particularly specific with him): “Your brother just said you did.

Ben (still confused): “I did NOT! He’s lying!”

Aunt Becky (looks around for Alex for confirmation – does not see him in the chair): “Whaaaa?”


Alex (laughing so hard he can barely speak): “I. stole. your. swing!” (erupts into gales of laughter)

Aunt Becky (secretly high-fiving the kid for being so cunning): “Alex – we don’t lie. Off the swings, both of you!”

Ben and Alex scamper off to play in the tree house that is not yet, in fact, a panic room ***.

Aunt Becky (beaming quietly with maternal pride as she goes back to her roses): “Atta boy.”

*my son, not the Guy On My Couch**

**I hope

***I have plans – GRAND plans for a panic room in my treehouse.

13 Comments to

“Mommy Drinks Because You Lie”

  1. On May 17th, 2012 at 4:40 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahah, it’d be weird if the guy on your couch was whipping it out…

  2. On May 17th, 2012 at 5:06 pm blacklisted Says:

    Is that peacock’s name really Mark Zuckerberg? You’re the best.

  3. On May 17th, 2012 at 5:11 pm Renée J. (RJ Flamingo) Says:

    Gnomes. Definitely gnomes. Please – not flamingos. We have our own crosses to bear. 😉

  4. On May 17th, 2012 at 6:19 pm Lee Says:

    Your son Alex is a tiny little genius.

  5. On May 17th, 2012 at 6:32 pm alaina Says:

    I’m hoping he wouldn’t sit on the swing if it was actually peed on. Boys can be gross like that.

  6. On May 17th, 2012 at 6:40 pm Brittany Says:

    If you want to out-tacky the neighbors gnomes AND flamingos. Otherwise, I suggest a shittom of mushrooms.

    As for Alex and Ben…sometimes I am glad I only have one!!! LOL

  7. On May 17th, 2012 at 6:53 pm Pandy Says:

    My boys pee in the yard all the time. It’s a losing battle.

  8. On May 17th, 2012 at 8:59 pm KMarrs Says:

    Wow. Alex is diabolical!

  9. On May 17th, 2012 at 11:49 pm nikkiana Says:

    Goddamnit;… Now there’s water in my nose.

  10. On May 18th, 2012 at 12:12 am Kristin Says:

    I would take brothers playing tricks on each other over the small child drinking out of the toilet at my house last night.

  11. On May 18th, 2012 at 12:43 am aubrey Says:

    Have you seen the zombie gnomes eating flamingos on etsy? They are awesome. Also boys pee everywhere the possibly can. My son (13) yesterday peed in a bottle in his bedroom and chucked it out the window… I did not even know what to do with that. They are gross.

  12. On May 18th, 2012 at 8:35 am Cindy Says:

    Sometimes you just have to give the kids credit for being conniving and cunning. Their smarts are strong – be wary of them 🙂

  13. On May 18th, 2012 at 9:39 am Grace Says:

    A tree house panic room would be AWESOME!!!

    And I vote gnomes for the Brothers as well. Mostly just because one day I WILL have one of these in my yard:

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