Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



When I got pregnant with Alex, I discovered that along with lunchmeat and soft cheeses (seriously, WHO KNEW? Absolutely no one told me a thing about this when I had Ben), I could no longer drink coffee. Not because I was being hyper-good pregnant Aunt Becky, but because it made me vomit. Copiously.

Other women planned to stop and grab a margarita and sushi on the way home from the hospital, but not me, I planned our route home to ensure I could hit up a Dunkin’ Donuts and grab a coffee. A gigantic one. Of course, as fate would have it, (due to some complications) I delivered at a completely seperate hospital from my initial route, so I ended up having Dave run out and grab me one after Alex and I were deposited at home.

It was in short, amazingly amazing.

Since then, Starbucks Corp has been rejoicing at their good fortune to have me as a repeat customer. It’s like I’m making up for lost time, with the way I imbibe coffee with a delicious and alarming frequency. I know, I know, I could make it at home just as easily and save a couple of bucks a week, but somedays it’s (sadly enough) what keeps me going on those really bad days.

There is one nasty side effect of drinking as much coffee as I do, and it’s not the perpetual state of the jitters that gives me the look of a seizuring patient, but as nearly every daytime TV commercial reminds me, it’s my teeth. After not thinking much at all about the color of my teeth, one day I decided to check them out in the mirror.

Holy pajamas, Batman! They were almost grey they were so stained.

Yesterday found me scouring the toothpaste aisle in Target until I found a 2 hour whitening kit that I plan to use to accentuate my brand new kicky haircut.

I’ve always made fun of people who get nervous about haircuts, because aside from taking an insanely long and boring time to accomplish, it’s not a big deal. It’s hair, it grows back eventually, and if you hate it passionately, I try to buy a box of dye and change the color to something alarming to detract from it’s ugliness. This spoken from the woman who hasn’t had a haircut in over a year and is now nervous as hell about tomorrow: Hair Cut + Color Day.

I’d planned to celebrate the return to my pre-Alexander weight by getting a haircut and funky color, but seeing as my metabolism isn’t quite yet done fucking with me, I have no earthly clue when that will be. And with the rate my hair is growing, I’ll be that freaky person with hair down to my ass before I can lose this 20-odd pounds. As it is, it’s long enough to require being tied back at all points in time, because the baby enjoys nothing quite as much as using my hair as handlebars.

Plus, I’m hoping that with the removal of (I’m guessing) 3 pounds of hair, I’ll finally see the scale move again (I’ve been considering removing vestigial organs to accomplish this until it dawned on me that I have no vestigial organs LEFT. No appendix, no tonsils, and no wisdom teeth. I guess I could remove my gall bladder and a couple of feet of intestines too, but I’m not sure it would net much of a weight loss.).

Currently, my hair resembles Katie Holmes’s pre-baby hair, that color, length and curliness, and I’m planning on doing her post-baby haircut (without the funkadelic layering) and some color to remove the grey hair that has sprouted from my head since I was 20 (this is the first time I’ve had my natural hair color in 10 years. It’s so dark brown, it’s nearly black. Who knew?).

Any suggestions on color from The Internet? I’d like to do something a bit funky, and I don’t mind the upkeep on the color as I am bound and determined not to let myself “go” just because I have two kids. I don’t have any idea how to upload pictures here to show you my coloring (I’m a techno-meh) but I’m fairly dark-skinned, am often mistaken for either Mexican or Jewish during the summer months (I tan well), so much as I would like (and I’ve always wanted to do this), I sadly cannot go platinum blonde.

Besides, don’t gentlemen marry brunettes?

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
16 Comments to


  1. On January 6th, 2008 at 2:39 pm Cricket Says:

    I’ve heard of another woman who had an intolerence to coffee while pregnant. She had some sent to the delivery bed and had it immediately after.

    I am too chicken to change my hair color, but I am somewhat in awe of women who do. Sounds like you’re having fun with it! Maybe it’s because I am the mom of a red head, but I’d recommend a deep shade of auburn for your coloring.

  2. On January 6th, 2008 at 3:16 pm Emily R Says:

    Auburn. Without a doubt.

  3. On January 6th, 2008 at 3:37 pm Heather Says:

    Not quite sure what you look like, so it’s kind of hard to take a guess! How about auburn with caramel highlights? And I like Katie’s look. Are you going with her new big bang ‘do or the one before?

    I had an aversion to chicken (like casserole or dumplings) and bluegrass music :).

  4. On January 6th, 2008 at 5:15 pm niobe Says:

    I’ve seen some dark-skinned women who look absolutely stunning with platinum blonde hair, so if that’s what you *really* want, why not try it out? If it doesn’t work, you can always switch to another color.

  5. On January 6th, 2008 at 5:42 pm kim Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    i quit smoking last Thursday. I have 4 days in and $20 saved.

    please reach out to your internet bitches to send some good wishes? I could use them.

    much love, my pretties, much love *and a fair amount of bitchiness….even though I’m really proud and happy that I quit!!!!*


  6. On January 6th, 2008 at 6:27 pm honeywine Says:

    Red is the way to go for pizzazz unless you want blue…c’mon…blue would be awesome! I go platinum when I’m feelin’ the need for hotness, but I’m always really tempted to color some of the underneath HOT PINK! Katie’s cut is cute, but if you’re naturally curly, it will drive you crazy trying to keep it up.

  7. On January 6th, 2008 at 5:33 pm becky Says:

    No bangs whatsoever, Heather. I had a horrifying experience with bangs back in the third grade and I STILL haven’t recovered.

    And Niobe, I tried once to go platinum and ended up Carrot Top orange (but thankfully not as waxy).

  8. On January 6th, 2008 at 5:37 pm Amy Says:

    I say try something totally different… what about doing a multi-color highlight with blonde and auburn? I have a friend with darker skin tone and almost jet black hair… she did a three color highlight and it looked awesome. I’ve also seen dark skinned women pull off blonde without a problem before (though the upkeep can be hell I’ve heard). I change my hair color quite often and I’ve found that the good thing about coloring your hair is that you can always change it if you don’t like it.

  9. On January 6th, 2008 at 7:14 pm Ashley Says:

    Where are you going? I think your highlights that you had a couple of years ago were beautiful. But, you are lucky to have such pretty hair, I think you could do an all over rich chocolate brown and that could be good too. Let me know what you decide to do…

  10. On January 6th, 2008 at 8:42 pm tonya cinnamon Says:

    first time newbie here 🙂
    waves hello ..grins..
    for me i have strawberry -blond hair and pale skin..=thus half irish thanks dad lol
    but i like to do different red in my hair last night i went with a hot tamale color which looks like cherry red.. and its a wild but yet fun color..
    or do blacks and reds.. mixing colors are so much fun..

  11. On January 6th, 2008 at 10:28 pm Juli Says:

    Auntie Juli’s policy on haircolor is, there is NO point whatsoever in dying your hair a color that might occur in nature. I highly recommend L’Oreal’s Colour Rays Fuchsia Flash ( – but you can get it at Walgreen’s).

  12. On January 7th, 2008 at 12:01 am Jenn Says:

    I’ve been craving purple hair lately. But that’s just me. 🙂

  13. On January 7th, 2008 at 3:48 am baseballmom Says:

    I LOVE Hydrience Dark Auburn! It turns out kind of burgundy/auburn, and it’s SO pretty when the sun catches it. I also have dark dark brown hair normally, but never let it go back because of so much gray!

  14. On January 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm SaraS-P Says:

    Brunettes rule. Plain and simple.

  15. On January 7th, 2008 at 2:45 pm Manny Says:

    Long in front, short in back. Layers, maybe some subtle hightlights.

  16. On January 7th, 2008 at 3:25 pm Kristin Says:

    I 100% support experimentation. If it sucks – just dye over it!

    BTW – I am gonna need your help with the new site.

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