Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



In the Great Purge Fest of 2008 (part 1), I have been moderately successful. Save for one thing, one large stash filling up part of my stand alone freezer:

I have approximately 4,380 gallons of breast milk that I have nothing whatsoever to do with.

When I first had Alex, and realized just how freakishly much milk I was producing (ahhh, thank you Fenugreek, who has left an indelible hatred of all things maple syrup related. Seriously, my nursing bras, which I am soon to be throwing unceremoniously away–likely in a fire-y blaze–still smell of maple syrup. If you have no idea what the fuck I am talking about, I’ll break it down really simply: there’s an herb you can take–sadly, it produces no hallucinations– that increases your milk supply. One of the side effects is maple syrup smelling bodily odors: including, sweat, pee, and milk. Oh, YUM. Nothing grosser than looking for Aunt Jemima, that wiley bitch, in the toilet BECAUSE WHERE ELSE IS THAT SMELL COMING FROM?), I scoured The Internet looking for what I could do with the excess milk.

I did call a milk bank or three hundred who didn’t want to accept my goods because “they were full,” AND when I realized that I had both had a cold in that time AND taken a decongestant, I learned that the milk would be unsuitable for a preemie. And Sweet Baby Jesus, the last thing I’d want to do is make life for a preemie worse, what with my reckless use of over the counter decongestants. For serious.

I came across another website, the likes of which I haven’t been able to find again, in which people discussed how they could sell their milk on The Internet to creepy pervo’s who for some reason (probably because their mother’s didn’t love them) got off on drinking breastmilk.

Can we say a collective, “EWWW?”

Buuuuuttttt, this site also informed me that these creepy dude’s would pay up to $3.00 an ounce for the stuff, which would mean that the stash currently occupying the bottom half of the freezer I bought for this exact purpose, would translate into at least $500-600. This could easily buy me a designer purse or two, and that makes me happy.

Shit, pumping is one of the most irritating jobs on the planet, and anything that would compensate me for the time that I spent hooked up to that blasted machine, watching my nipples yanked into positions and shapes I had no idea they were capable of, WHILE being unable to do much else besides think about how bloody bored I was, was a good damn thing.

The downside is that I am far, far too lazy to sell a simple pair of shoes on Ebay, let alone spend the time putting up an ad, figuring out how to send the stuff so it didn’t rot in the mail, or coming up with cute phrases to make creepy Uncle Pervy’s want to buy my goods “Hot Momma Milk” and the like.

So, scratch that idea.

I came across another website, in which the enterprising author had attempted to make cheese out of her stash of breastmilk, and that pretty much wigged me out. I don’t care for cheese anyway, AND color me weird, but I don’t think I could ever, ever ingest any of that milk. PLUS, I hate cooking in the first place, and have never so much as attempted making cheese of any sort, so I promise I wouldn’t start with my own milk.

(shudder, shudder)

I suppose I could thaw some out for the holidays and throw it in my guest’s coffee as a passive-aggressive measure, but I’m not coy enough to do so without being noticed. And I’m too stupid to remember NOT TO DRINK THE COFFEE, so I’d be slurping it down thinking about how great it tastes (breastmilk is very, very sweet. Shut up. You’d try it, too.) before I recalled WHY it tasted so good, and then I’d have to drink Ipecac and spend the rest of the day barfing. I hate very little more than I hate throwing up (aside from Kim Kardashian. I hate her more).

So, what can I do with this stash of milk, which I am going to have to toss in a couple of months? Alex won’t touch it unless it’s on tap, Ben, well, I don’t need to scar him anymore than I already have, and Dave and I would sooner drink our own pee than drink the stuff.

Any suggestions?

27 Comments to


  1. On February 22nd, 2008 at 11:41 am Doc Says:

    Can you get a collective Ewwww?… yes Ma’am you can. EWWWWWWWWW !

    Now that being said I thought you were only supposed to keep it frozen for like 4-6 months before it shouldn’t be used… expired I guess?

  2. On February 22nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm Kristin Says:

    Oh my god! Sell it to Pervy creepoids! You could name your new bag after the highest bidder!

  3. On February 22nd, 2008 at 12:25 pm kalakly Says:

    Sell it to Kim’s BFF Nicole Richie…???? You could be Milk Maid to the Stars! Just cuz we hate em doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to “milk” them for all their worth right?

  4. On February 22nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm Tony Says:

    Not to make your situation worse, but I would highly doubt you can even just throw the stuff out in the would probably beconsidered a ‘biohazard’ by some nazi environmental protection organization.

    Though if you were going to *try* and just sneak it out…you may want to do it now while it will remain frozen in the garbage can outside…

  5. On February 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 am The Milk Maid Says:

    I have wet myself with laughter! I think you’ve covered the bases hun– But my vote is always to sell it to Uncle Pervy.

    And OMG there is nothing or no one I loathe more than Kim Kardash(w-h-o-r-e)ian! I threw up in my mouth just typing that.

  6. On February 22nd, 2008 at 1:28 pm Kristen Says:

    Wow, can I just say how impressed i am that you could pump like that? The most I ever got was an ounce and a half.
    I don’t blame you for not wanting to throw it out. And I would be afraid to sell it to internet creeps, but the money!
    Some girls sell their old used shoes to foot fetish guys, so why not?

  7. On February 22nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm electriclady Says:

    I vote for selling it to pervs. That’s awesome.

    Though, when Alex starts drinking cow’s milk, maybe you can put an ounce or two in there at a time to ease the transition? I don’t know. Excess milk stash was never a problem I had.

  8. On February 22nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm Rambling Amy Says:

    Seriously, I am so jealous of you right now. Here I am, a woman with tits the size of inflatable life rafts and I was barely able to produce enough for my little babe. It was a cruel twist of fate really. And I was downing that Fenugreek WITH a chaser of maple syrup just thinking that it might help the process along and still saw no improvement. Everyone at work had a craving for pancakes for weeks on end.

    I’m going to join the majority and say that you sell it to the pervo’s. Creepy yes, but we as a society have been feeding people’s weird addictions and cravings for years – how else can you explain the popularity of reality tv?

  9. On February 22nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm Cricket Says:

    Selling is better than dumping.

    I pumped exclusively, but we had a good system. I never made much (even on herbs) and he never took much. I fear for how efficient his digestive system, that it will haunt him when he gets older.

    Will you be happy to get your boobs back?

  10. On February 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm Chicory Says:

    hmm, are you a member of the IVP? Because there’s a forum on the IVP for giving away stuff like that. Well, not breastmilk, but, you know, we could make one for that.

    I know there was a woman on the ivp who didn’t have enough supply to feed her own baby, and her baby was tiny and had digestive issues and really benefitted from breastmilk, and someone else in the ivp had a huge stash and gave it to her. Anyway, it’s a thought. Plus, the discussions on the ivp forum kick so much ass.

  11. On February 22nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm becky Says:

    I say throw a Christmas in July party and serve homemade egg nog. If anyone asks, say that you made pancakes for breakfast that morning and that’s the lingering smell of the syrup… it’s not coming from the egg nog. Really.

    That or sell it to the creepy dudes! It’ll require just a little compromise of your morals, I’m sure, but $500 IS $500 and a new bag IS a new bag. Morals Schmorals – that won’t matter when you’re caressing the leather of a brand new designer.

  12. On February 22nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm Heather P. Says:

    Honey, I would definately go with selling to the pervs. Did you know that there are some miscreants out there who will buy your dirty undies on Ebay or other sites?
    How’s that for an EWW?

  13. On February 22nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm niobe Says:

    Note to self: If Aunt Becky ever invites me to her house, be very sure to tell her that I take my coffee black.

  14. On February 22nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm Heather Says:

    The creepy guys plot could work, but then they would know who you are and where to find you, ’cause they’re creepy like that. I’m sure that’s what you need – creepy dudes yelling for milk in your front yard (surely the neighbors would love you then).

    You could always volunteer to do that dreaded family thing for Easter at your house and serve breakfast (you know? eggs, pancakes, maple syrup, and breastmilk … mmmm!).

  15. On February 22nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm Heather Says:

    Hey, should Easter brunch not fly and Milk for Pervs fall through – here’s a link to a bank that a friend of a friend used for frozen breastmilk (just in case you hadn’t found this one!):

  16. On February 22nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm baseballmom Says:

    Okay, I say either sell to the pervs-they probably have suggestions about how to ship it-or maybe use it as a deterrent to spending the holidays with the inlaws?

  17. On February 22nd, 2008 at 5:50 pm Five Husbands Says:

    EWW. I’m against sale of personal milk; on the other hand I like the idea of taking money out of the hands of pervs. I bet they would fall for sugar sweetened powdered milk.

    In fact that gives me an idea ….

  18. On February 22nd, 2008 at 10:13 pm TheRamblingHousewife Says:

    I’m still amazed that even breast milk has now turned into a fetish?

    Is nothing left sacred?


  19. On February 22nd, 2008 at 11:48 pm Jenn Says:

    Considering the fact that there are some people who get off on smearing themselves with feces, I am not at all surprised that there are people who harbor breastmilk fetishes. But still… eww.

    I don’t know. I never bothered to pump milk because I was always with my kids 24/7 so there was no need. I’m at a loss for ideas – seems like you’ve already covered the bases on this one!

  20. On February 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 am Lindz Says:

    don’t it ALWAYS seem, that when your looking for the most innocent thing on the internet, thats when you find the perviest?

    but when your looking for some good FREE PORN, you can’t find shir. it really bites.

  21. On February 23rd, 2008 at 11:59 am honeywine Says:

    LOL I don’t think Ebay lets you sell that sort of thing do they? I mean they put the kibosh on Shatner’s gall stone. True, boobies are more interesting. I think you’d have to Craig’s List it (or find a porn shop and put up a flyer) or just walk around the mall asking random new mothers if they’d like it…if you do, see you in 3-5. 🙂

  22. On February 23rd, 2008 at 2:32 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I say sell it to the pervs – hell, if I’d known there was a market for it, I would have kept breastfeeding Lovebug and made us a nice little income on the side. Ah well, do you think I can use this as a way to talk Hubby into letting me have another kid?

    I wonder if a homeless shelter or soup kitchen would take it?

  23. On February 24th, 2008 at 12:33 pm Ross Says:

    1. Sell breastmilk on ebay.
    2. ????????
    3. Profit!

    Just don’t think to hard about “?????”. But seriously, isn’t the easy solution to have The Daver sell it online, and split the profits? He likes the internets, right?

  24. On February 24th, 2008 at 12:30 pm LAS Says:

    Oh, I am so grossed out. And also rolling on the floor laughing.

  25. On February 24th, 2008 at 3:02 pm bri Says:

    See, television IS good for something. I saw this on the ABC World News or something:
    The woman who started it seemed lovely.

  26. On February 25th, 2008 at 3:01 pm Dana Says:

    It was a sad day when we emtied the chest freezer we bought for the sole purpose of storing frozen breast milk. It took four or five laundry baskets overflowing with frozen four ounce packs to get all the stuff to the dumpster. Then we quick called to have the dumpster emptied before it all thawed out and leaked all over the driveway. If I’d realized there was a market for it, I’m pretty sure that I could have made several thousand dollars. Oh well.

    I learned my lesson though. I never used an ounce of frozen milk as I was able to pump all she would need for daycare first thing in the morning. With #2 I controlled my urge to pump obsessively and only pump about 4-8 ounces a week so the sitter can give her a bottle the one-two afternoons a week that she comes.

  27. On February 26th, 2008 at 7:36 am charmedgirl Says:

    i don’t know where you stand on chocolate right now, seeing as your boy isn’t even one yet, but you can give it to him as chocolate milk. add a tiny drop of dark choc syrup and see if he’ll drink it that way? you can also let it thaw a tiny bit and chop it up like ice milk.

    i would sometimes cry to see even a drop of my breastmilk spilled…then again i was a tortured cow, who pumped for triplets for a year. the fenugreek- holy shit i forgot all about the maple syrup! yuck!

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