Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Merry Christmas! Hope You Don’t Get Crotch Rot!


I don’t send Christmas Cards.

It’s a big source of guilt for me – I mean, I HAVE the cards (I’ve thoughtfully purchased them at 75% off throughout the years) in a big stash in the basement. I have stamps, which means I’m not just being post-office-phobic. I wonder if there’s a term for that. I mean, I’m TERRIFIED of the post office. I’ll explain sometime.


Since I don’t give Christmas Cards and, frankly, you Pranksters are the only people I’d send cards to, anyway, I’ll just give them to you now.


This is actually what I’d send on my Christmas cards.

So pretend that’s what I sent you and you opened it today. Fair? Okay.

Merry Christmas, Pranksters. You’re mah family and I love you all.


Also: could you visit this and comment if you haz time?

21 Comments to

“Merry Christmas! Hope You Don’t Get Crotch Rot!”

  1. On December 23rd, 2011 at 12:46 pm nikkiana Says:

    Oh Aunt Becky… Those are simply delightful!

  2. On December 23rd, 2011 at 1:34 pm Sunny Delaney Says:

    YAY! Christmas cards for the rest of US! Love it! Happy Christmas to you and yours Aunt Becky!!

  3. On December 23rd, 2011 at 2:33 pm Grace Says:

    Woo hoo! Gotta love Aunt Becky’s special seasonal cards!

  4. On December 23rd, 2011 at 2:44 pm heydave Says:

    you made me (almost) spit out my early xmas afternoon scotch

  5. On December 23rd, 2011 at 2:48 pm No Good Says:

    Last card is my favorite! Merry Christmas Becky!!!

  6. On December 23rd, 2011 at 4:35 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Hahahah that is amazing. I don’t do Christmas cards either. It has nothing to do with post office phobia, and is pure mind numbing laziness. (Find ADDRESSES? Write them OUT? Get STAMPS?!?)

    I’ve never thought of the Easter Bunny as being sexual or ladylike (unlike the tooth fairy, that whore!), but now that image is ingrained in my brain forever. Love the Jimmy Wales one because I did NOT see it coming.

    Merry Christmas!

  7. On December 23rd, 2011 at 5:06 pm KaraB Says:

    Merry Christmas Aunt Becky, the Daver, and crotch parasites!!

  8. On December 23rd, 2011 at 6:02 pm Joules Says:

    Holy shit, that damn Jimmy Wales is now invading our Christmas cards too? I have a couple of choice season’s greetings that I’d like to share with him.
    Merry all the things to you and yours.

  9. On December 23rd, 2011 at 6:43 pm Jolie Says:

    I always wondered what the kids were looking out the window at. Thanks Aunt Becky for clearing that up!
    I scanned in the front of a Christmas card for my FB profile pic. Does that count for sending Christmas greetings?
    Merry Christmas to my favorite iAunt!

  10. On December 23rd, 2011 at 8:45 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    I am new to your blog and am already an addict. Maybe because your title has the word ‘vodka’ in it. Maybe because the name Becky reminds me of Becky Connor on Roseanne and I love that show. Maybe because I like pigs on Christmas cards. Or maybe because you’re kind of a bad ass at what you do.

    Merry fucking Christmas, Aunt Becky.

  11. On December 23rd, 2011 at 8:53 pm Meg N Says:

    Merry Christmas Becky! Was very briefly in Evanston for a couple of days while my parents (they adopted me when I was 12) finally had a civil union now that same sex marriage is legal in Illinois. Basically, my parents told me I was not a bastard for Christmas…got to love it! They have been together for 42 years. If I was there longer I would have called you up and brought you good vodka and cheered you up!

  12. On December 23rd, 2011 at 10:18 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Merry Christmas back at ya! (Those pigs are going to give me nightmares — thanks for that)

  13. On December 24th, 2011 at 12:41 am Shanon Says:

    To our most favority aunt, who is full of awesomeness, may your holidays be merry (with vodka slushies) and bright (with your children’s laughter and our’s, Aunt Becky. We are laughing because you make us happy). Merry motherfucking Christmas, ya’ll!

  14. On December 24th, 2011 at 1:13 pm Amy Says:

    I LOL’d so hard, I cried! 😀 Love the twisted, dark humor! Keep up the good work and Happy Freakin’ Holidays y’all.

  15. On December 24th, 2011 at 2:46 pm Amber Says:

    And a happy “shut up and fetch mommy some more of the special cider” to you too!

  16. On December 24th, 2011 at 2:51 pm Sidnie Says:


    Merry Christmas!

  17. On December 24th, 2011 at 3:04 pm Teala Says:

    Merry Christmas, AB. I hope The Daver is feeling better. Happy thoughts!

  18. On December 26th, 2011 at 8:48 pm Marta Says:

    Love the one about how he wasn’t the real Santa.

    Merry Christmas Aunt Becky!

  19. On December 26th, 2011 at 10:28 pm Poppy Says:

    OMG if I had some of those cards on hand I would SO send out Cmas cards! Thanks for the giggle.

  20. On December 27th, 2011 at 10:08 pm Kathleen Says:

    Love the “no dolly for you” angel! Ho-Ho-Fucking-Ho! What a bitch!

    Thank you for the lovely cards, Aunt Becky. You should sell them.

  21. On December 28th, 2011 at 9:42 am La Printemp Says:

    Awww yeah! That’s right… I went there. And I commented.

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