Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Maybe I Read “Flowers In The Attic” Too Many Times As A Kid


Because I gain a metric fuck-ton of weight when I’m gestating crotch parasites, I am also stuck removing it once I am done expelling the parasite from my body. Shockingly, the weight doesn’t just “fall off” of all of us. Especially those of us with GLANDULAR PROBLEMS.

*kicks thyroid*

Anyway, so I’m on a diet*. Why? Because I really don’t want to be fat.

One of the things that I had to give up was the delicious sugared syrup in my coffee. It’s not that I couldn’t use it because I COULD, but I’m trying to use less carbs and I know that you can use the stuff with Splenda, but honestly I think Splenda tastes like licking the devil’s butthole (and I am being GENEROUS here) so I just go without.

Until I came up with a BRILLIANT solution!

Extracts! I could use VANILLA fucking EXTRACT! There was nothing not awesome about that solution!

Until the cap got all stuck on and shit and I was denied the delicious vanilla flavor I had grown to love. So then I turned to it’s more delectable cousin: ALMOND extract.

Now, I love an almond latte like it’s my job, so this was an ideal solution for me, except in those rare moments when I’d wonder if I was being poisoned (I have a vivid imagination, y’all) until I remembered that I was in charge of the almond flavor addition to my coffee.

The other day, I was drinking my almond flavored coffee and I noticed that it had a bit of, well, BITE to it. Almost an alcohol flavored bite. It was weird, because I certainly didn’t add any alcohol to my coffee, but there it was. I could taste the booze, just underneath it all.

Hm, I thought to myself. That’s curious.

Then I promptly got distracted by staring at my cat’s butthole (there are SPIES in there, Pranksters!!) and forgot about it.

Yesterday, I finally read the bottle of fancy-pants almond extract. There it was, in bold letters: 35% ALCOHOL. DO NOT LEAVE AROUND CHILDREN.

Turns out that all of this time, I’ve been wondering why the hell I’ve been so fucking TIRED in the mornings, it’s because I’ve been getting sauced by accident. What the fuck kind of fool gets inadvertently drunk off ALMOND EXTRACT?

So I’m off the sauce this morning, and I’m going to guess that coffee will be a hell of a lot more effective in waking my ass up this way.

Also: I will probably have less of a hangover by lunchtime.

*Weight Watchers**

**Yes, it works.

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done lately (besides read my blog)?

126 Comments to

“Maybe I Read “Flowers In The Attic” Too Many Times As A Kid”

  1. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:10 am Darrin Says:

    Almond extract huh? Wish I would’ve known about this lil’ trick last night when I learned I was out of Gin. LOL!

  2. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think almond extract is tastier than gin, too. Except it probably would taste like hot ass over tonic and ice.

  3. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:12 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    So if someone was trying to kill you, they now know you’re already disregarding possible arsenic poisoning. Not that anyone is, I’m sure. Still.

  4. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:11 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  5. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:23 am kc race Says:

    Oh man, this is good to know! Brings a whole new dimension of fun to those boring Monday morning meetings.

    And – 35% alcohol????. Never mind the children, I wouldn’t even leave that shit around horses.

  6. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now you know what Mommy’s Little Helper REALLY is!

  7. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:26 am Alice Brody Says:

    LONG time believer in WW. Love it. Don’t love the meetings but whatever. I’m now addicted to Lean Cuisines….seseme chicken and veggie eggrolls=”tastes like filet mignon and lobster with butter when you’ve starved yourself for a week” kind of yummy.
    The dumbest thing I’ve done?…..LATELY (thanks for the clarification because I’m the mother of duhuhuhumb shit)? I didn’t hide my peach sweet tea vodka (shut up) from my husband and now I am without for an indefinite amount of time. We live in a dry county. *SOB*

  8. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:02 am aubriane Says:

    Would that peach sweet tea vodka happen to be Sweet Carolina brand? That shit is one of the only reasons I believe there may in fact be a God.

  9. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:20 am Alice Brody Says:

    I’ve never had that brand. I get the Firefly. DON’T get the Jeremiah Weed brand. Apparently, it’s NO good;)

  10. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:30 am Amanda Says:

    dumbest thing? I got a new puppy (not the dumb part yet) and when he decided to take his inaugural shit in the living room today I yelled no and picked him up thinking I could rush him out before it hit the VERY white carpet….

    it hit my very white shirt first

  11. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This is SO something I would do. Are we related?

  12. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:38 am Amanda Says:

    probably…only because i can tell we’re both REALLY full of the awesome

  13. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:40 am Libby Says:

    You were pulling a Kitty Dukakis and didn’t even know it.

    And now I know what I will be putting in my coffee.

  14. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! I SO was!

  15. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:40 am Nanny Says:

    I saved a cat. Who’s annoying, irritates the dog and is trying to eat my parakeet.

    Thanks for the tip on the flavoring, πŸ™‚

  16. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:18 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I keep saving my poo-eating dog. Why? I DO NOT KNOW.

    Do you want him?

  17. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:29 am Nanny Says:

    No Thanks, I already have one of those. πŸ™‚

  18. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:42 am Heather Says:

    You are awesome, and I love you for making me laugh. Also, I’m with the last commenter. Extract isn’t sweet, so how is it helpful? I happen to like Splenda though, so I’m good… though I will say that the sugar free raspberry syrup we bought is the most disgusting thing I have ever EVER tried and is still sitting unused on our counter because of the disgusting.

    WW really does work. I’ve lost 24 pounds this year!

  19. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:19 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No. I disagree, Heather. Sugar-free raspberry is LOADS better than the sugar-free Irish Cream. Have you tried that? It’s seriously the most disgusting thing you’ll ever put in your mouth.

    It’s like Nyquil Coffee Creamer.


  20. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:06 am Erin Says:

    Ok, I love this. Because it’s nice to know I’m not the only person who would accidentally get themselves sauced. Cheers!

  21. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. I am brilliant. That is all. When I come to Vegas, you can point and laugh.

  22. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:15 am Jennifer Says:

    My friends and I came up with a perfect lose-weight-by-drinking solution: Drink. Drink some more. Drink until you think you’re gonna puke. Drink ONE more, then you’re going to puke up EVERYTHING you ate in the last 3 days. And, you’re stomach will go on a revolt and won’t WANT you to eat anything for another 2 days. That’s the easy way. The hard way is to learn how to eat correctly and exercise. That works too!
    Good luck!

  23. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Eating correctly sucks a fat dick. Exercise is for assholes. I like the way you think.

  24. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:28 am Anjali Says:

    Getting drunk by accident must feel like finding a $20 bill in the couch cushion!

    One hell of a fantastic surprise.

  25. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:30 am Sandy Says:

    I won’t worry until you start swigging the cough syrup (like a friend of mine who keeps a large bottle of the prescription stuff in the cup holder of her car).

    They do sell some nice almond flavoring (which I believe is alcohol free) at the store, precisely for the purpose you just describe. However, it may have sugar.

    You think it’s hard to lose the baby weight at 29? Amateur! Try 39.

  26. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Shit, by 39, I am pretty sure I’ll be living off ice chips and lemons. My metabolism will be so fucked by then.

  27. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:30 am Christy Says:

    You can kick your thyroid? No wonder The Daver keeps you around. That’s bendy.

    And dude, the WW is magic!

  28. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:14 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am a bendy bitch.

  29. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I totally agree on the Splenda thing. I just do without if fake sweetner is my only option.

    I think though I may have to start using it. In everything. The horrible bitter after taste will prevent me from eating more than one bite of anything & then I will lose weight.

  30. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See, exactly. That’s kind of a sweet deal. But Topamax works as well. Makes everything taste like assholes. BUT, there are pesky side effects like MEMORY LOSS.

  31. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:05 pm Wicked Shawn Says:

    My very favorite side effect since starting the Topomax has been the whole gagging while trying to swallow bread thing. That’s some serious awesome!

  32. On April 24th, 2010 at 9:37 am Justme Says:

    Have you tried Stevia? It’s Splenda’s cousin, and it doesn’t taste all ew. Even if you’re stuck on Topamax, which makes EVERYTHING tast like ass.

  33. On April 24th, 2010 at 9:37 am Justme Says:

    Have you tried Stevia? It’s Splenda’s cousin, and it doesn’t taste all ew. Even if you’re stuck on Topamax, which makes EVERYTHING tast like ass.

  34. On April 24th, 2010 at 2:18 am kris Says:

    The Splenda only has that after taste until you’ve gotten over the hump. Once you’ve been without sugar for a while it is like the nectar of the gods.

  35. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:34 am Mandy Says:

    i have always thought there was something weird about my pugs butthole (it’s always LOOKING AT ME) and now i get it.

    i guess my other dog, a french bulldog, who’s tiny tail covers her BH is the one who should be trusted.

  36. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:35 am PottyMouthMommy Says:

    holy shitballs!!! 35% alcohol???!!! Where the hell are you buying your extracts??? I want some of those.. the only alcohol in any extracts I can find is so negligible they don’t even give a percentage value.

    Good luck with the weight loss- I can certainly feel your pain!!

  37. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:15 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This is the fancy-pants almond extract that’s created by the tears of vestal virgins weeping over unicorns blood from the crazy spice shop in town.

  38. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:36 am Kori Says:

    Yeah but those extracts aren’t sweet, right? So there wasn’t even a SWEET almond flavor, you drunken wierdo! πŸ™‚

    I have done and will do too many stupid things in a day to even begin to make a list.

  39. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:16 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! No, they’re not sweet. What the fuck was I thinking?

  40. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:40 am a Says:

    Splenda gives me headaches.

    I would never have thought that those extracts contained alcohol, but then they started selling the fancy ones – you know, pure Tahitian vanilla bean steeped for exactly one century in French brandy made by celibate monks on the right side of the Pyrenees. Then I learned that vanilla is extracted by alcohol. Which, unless, like above, you’re ingesting it until you vomit, adds lots of calories (added bonus: alcohol converts to sugars in your digestive system!).

    Forget it. Unless you really like the flavor of herbs, there is nothing that tastes good on a diet, because they take away those tasty fat calories that add nothing but flavor. πŸ™

    Good luck on the ww…

  41. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:17 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Mine was created by the tears of vestal virgins weeping over the pure blood of angels spilled by slayed dragons that monks prayed over. I don’t know where YOU got yours, dude.

  42. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:22 am a Says:

    Well, I was thinking of sending my daughter to college…but Vestal Virgins? Angel Blood? Fuck it – she’ll have to get a scholarship.

  43. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:40 am Nic Says:

    I feel your pain. I too have tried to quit the demon vanilla coffee creamer but with no luck. I think they put cocaine in it. πŸ™‚

  44. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:18 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m pretty sure it’s cocaine. DELICIOUS cocaine.

  45. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:44 am Dr. Dre Says:

    Dumbest thing I’ve done lately? Why, it was just this morning when I idiotically decided to check a text message from my bro-in-law. The subject was “just thought this might make you laugh.” So I thought, hmm? What would he think makes me laugh? I pushed play. It was an audio clip from Talladega Nights. You know, the part when the disrespectful redneck children tell their grandfather they are going to go “ape shit” on his ass? Well, that clip was at full volume when it started. My desk is about 8 feet from the Human Resources director. Nice. I could not mute that shit quick enough. Literally. The clip began loudly with “I WILL GO APE SHIT ON YOUR ASS!!!!” That’s the dumbest thing so far today. I am sure there will be at least one more before lunch.

  46. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think the only cure for this is to listen to “(You’re) Having My Baby” now. CLEARLY.

  47. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:59 am Ellen M Says:

    Trying to lose baby weight almost entirely through subtracting things from my coffee here, too. As a reward for going to work every day, I buy a big cup of bad deli coffee for $1.75 and put half-and-half in it. My ingenious diet plan is to buy the small cup of bad deli coffee for $1.25 and put regular milk in it instead. I figure I’ll lose the 10 pounds in no time (say, five years), and save for that European vacation (eyeballing it at 20 years) simultaneously.

  48. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:20 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


    I really need to invent a comment award. Because this is a thing of pure fucking beauty.

  49. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:24 am Ellen M Says:

    You totally made my day! It was my birthday yesterday, so I’m accruing your comment back and counting it as a present.

  50. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:04 am Jessica Says:

    Haha! That’s hilarious. Have you thought about throwing in some cinammon or nutmeg powder while the coffee is brewing?

  51. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OOOOH! Good call! Mexican coffee is delicious. And? I cannot get wasted on it (unless I add cocaine).

  52. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:06 am Marie Says:

    That is AWESOME.

  53. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:21 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m still giggling (and sober, shockingly).

  54. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:11 am Sharon Says:

    Dumbest thing? In bizarre fit of compassion, gave my extra lemon-poppy-seed muffin to the belligerent heroin-addicted street guy who used to sleep on my front step (known to my daughter as “The Sleepy Beer Man”). Now he’s going to come pee on my front window again.

  55. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:18 am Peggy Brister Says:

    The dumbest thing I have done lately is feeding a stray cat that came around my house. He is male and has a stubbed tail. He was too cute for me to let him starve or exist on a diet of country bumpkin mice, so I feed him. There has been some female come around here and has subsequently had kittens and abandoned them. Now the male cat lays on my porch while these little kittens breastfeed off this boy cat. I KNOW there is no milk coming out of him, but the kittens instinct is to nurse and he is letting them. It’s patheitc and cute all at the same time.
    As for losing weight. I am packing 20 extra pounds right now, probably closer to 30 if are going to be honest and I don’t exercise. I have an exercise bike I had my husband buy for me and I sit on it and watch DVR’d episodes of Solved and don’t peddle it. I think maybe just sitting on it might cause me to burn more calories than sitting on the couch. I bought an exercise dvd and just sit on the couch watching it. I know watching activity has GOT TO burn calories.
    I mentioned buying the new exercise dvd sytem P90x to my husband and it is over $150.00 and he said no. You can go buy alot of regular movies and just sit on the couch and watch them. You don’t need to sit on the couch and watch P90x for $150 bucks.
    Always love your blog!

  56. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:32 am CatPS Says:

    Jesus, 35%?!?! That’s the same as vodka!

    I practically mainline sweet iced tea… except for those pesky calories. I have found that if I use half sugar and half Splenda, I get a satisfactory level of sweetness that doesn’t taste like assballs. Though it hasn’t done anything to reduce my superfluous flab, as far as I can tell. But I am blessed with a metabolism more suited to arctic survival than suburban life, AND I’m on a medication that causes rapid weight gain. *sigh*

  57. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:42 am Ali R Says:

    Gosh you so don’t make a girl want to have any crotch parasites b/c losing my fat ass afterwards is not going to be easy. I am a whopping 5’3″ and so I am sure my butt will grow to be the size of Texas when I am knocked up *groans*
    WW does rock although most days I’d rather drink all my points in cocktail version which I am sure can’t be a good thing.

    I am the queen of stupid crap I can’t narrow down one thing to even mention right now honestly. Rock on with your bad self Aunt Becky, rock on.

  58. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:42 am MommyLisa Says:

    Oh Lordy!

  59. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:58 am Dual Mom Says:

    There’s spies in your cat’s arse? I think your problems are bigger than alcohol poisining by almond extract Beck. It’s why we love you!

  60. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:06 am mrs ellenoy Says:

    Sorry…the post is FULL of awesome FULL. OF. IT.

    Nothing wrong here!

    And you cracked me up with the business about the spies. Cat’s butts always creep me out. And I know it’s a fur-free zone for sanitary reasons, but it’s like it’s on display! Spotlights on my ugliest feature! All eyes on ME.

    Sorry…I have had a lot of coffee this morning.

  61. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:19 am Rosemary Says:

    Back in the good ‘ol days of blue laws when it was illegal to sell any form a alcohol on Sundays, the twon drunks would buy vanilla extract instead. The hobos in the 50s knew the secret, but it’s fallen out of disuse since people can buy beer on Sundays.

    (This is according to my mom who worked in a grocery store in the late 50s.)

  62. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:38 am Miranda Says:

    Hi Aunt Becky! I’m a long time reader but never commented before. Thank you so much for this laugh today (and the future tip too!). My mom brings me a huge bottle of vanilla straight from Mexico every time she comes to visit. I wonder how much alcohol is in that! Maybe if it wasn’t in Spanish I’d be able to tell..haha.

    I’m pretty dumb on a daily basis but my crowning idiot moment happened a few years ago. My husband and I were driving through the country looking for a new home when we came across one of those signs that tell you how far away the next town is. In my warped brain that didn’t read “Benton, 2miles” it read “Benton 2”. As in, the second, like a subdivision. So I turned to my husband and with a dead serious face said “I didn’t know there were 2 Benton’s?!”

    That was 4 years ago and I still hear about it at least every 2 weeks!

  63. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:45 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Oh dear. That’s hilariously depressing.

    I was an absolute idiot, and in editing photos last night I realized that my awesomeness was over-thought. I was so proud of myself because I had created a Photoshop Action to save my images in the folder and it was all perfect and shiny. Well, only after I was done and COULDN’T FIND THE 120 PICTURES I HAD EDITED did I realize that I was an idiot and just saved them over themselves. Instead of as separate files. Thankfully the originals were still untouched.

    But Pride definitely goeth before the Fall.

  64. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:53 am Banshee Says:

    hahahaha! watch the vanilla extract too – unless you’re getting imitation, I think the real stuff has alcohol too. πŸ™‚

    Dumbest thing lately? I live in Phoenix – so I have a club for my car, you know, the dealy for the steering wheel to try to prevent theft? Now, we have 2 cars, each has a club, with a different key. One car, had 2 keys on 2 different key rings, one key ring had the club key, one did not.

    I drove merrily off to the store…put the club on, had a lovely time…until coming back out and realizing I had grabbed the wrong key chain – and had no club key. I basically locked myself out of my car. My house was 30 miles away.

    I have really good friends – 1 picked up my sorry ass and drove me all the way out to get the club key and all the way back.

  65. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:57 am Brooke Says:

    So THAT is why my almond royal icing cookies are so addicting. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Little kids gobble those things down like nobody’s business. Woooooooopsies.

  66. On April 23rd, 2010 at 12:08 pm Fran Says:

    Splenda (and all the other fake sugars) is the devil’s anus…I knew it! I have to have my flavored creamers even though I too am trying to lose some after-3-kids-poundage.
    As for dumbest thing lately…to go along with the weight losing I started the Insanity* program. It’s killing me and I haven’t lost a single fucking pound yet!! But I am still going with it. Why?
    *but I didn’t pay for it, a firend who did burned all the dvds for me πŸ™‚

  67. On April 23rd, 2010 at 12:16 pm Kelly Says:

    Stupid act of the day…. Went to wake Mea to get her ready for the day, picked her 900 lb sleeping butt out of the bed (why do kids weigh soooo much more when they are sleeping?), turned slipped on the sheet that was on the floor, dropped the girl, and stepped on the dog. It was a great morning.

  68. On April 23rd, 2010 at 12:17 pm Nitza19 Says:

    This made me absolutely laugh my ass off. It also made me really tempted to put a bottle of almond extract by the coffeepot as a present for my the teachers at my school. Ha ha ha ha!

  69. On April 23rd, 2010 at 12:17 pm Denise Says:

    WHy not try flavored coffee. My fav is Hazlenut. You can also do a blend of hazelnut, french vanilla and cinnemon. BY the way when my friend was caught drinking the vanilla extract (Actually the bottles kept turning up empty.), it was decided he was an alcoholic.

  70. On April 23rd, 2010 at 12:29 pm Joanna Says:

    Stupidest act of today… Had to have two things hemmed by a new tailor, so I let the tiny Asian lady pin me up, hand off my clothes to another chick, then ring me up for waaaay more money than I ever would have paid for hems. I didn’t want to feel like a cheap ass, but I am a cheap ass, so I told her it was too much and she started going on and on in her heavy accent. I couldn’t understand a word, which was surely her plan, so I started to explain slower and louder. Seriously, I am now that person who talks SLOWLY and LOUDLY to a poor immigrant, as if she will understand the language she barely speaks better when it is ringing in her ears. I ended up just leaving so now I’m out 50 bucks for 2 stupid hem,s and she’ll probably spit on my clothes.

  71. On April 23rd, 2010 at 12:30 pm Joanna Says:

    p.s. if you want to make your own extract you just toss a bunch of vanilla beans in a bottle of vodka. Fo’ realz. Even Paula Dean does it πŸ™‚

  72. On April 23rd, 2010 at 2:08 pm Wombat Central Says:

    That must be why cats always seem to point their bunger in your general direction. Thanks for the tip on the spy thing.

  73. On April 23rd, 2010 at 1:13 pm Andrea Says:

    Oooohoooohaaahaaaha! That’s awesome. OMG, what if that had happened to me as a teacher and I was sauced before 2nd period? Oh good God. Thank goodness I read this post. You may have just saved my job!

    Also, spies in your cat’s butthole? I believe that to be true of my cat as well. Nasty creatures.

    The stupidest thing I’ve done today was go to work. Should have stayed home. For sure. Miserable Friday. But now it’s the weekend, so, phew.

  74. On April 23rd, 2010 at 1:20 pm Melissa Says:

    I do wish you well on your diet. I just like food & beer too much to care lol. And I am old anyway so poo on diets, I am just chubby, not obese. I wish it were the 50’s again where the weight I am now is like MODEL weight!

    Stupidest thing I did lately was reply to all in an e-mail to a dumbass manager during a meltdown when he gave me a shitload of work that he had been sitting on that was overdue and he asked me to get it done right away. Went along the lines of “are you fucking KIDDING ME?” The partner that was on the thread of the e-mail responded. GULP. Fortunately he also agreed with me, though not my tone.

  75. On April 23rd, 2010 at 2:26 pm Olga Says:

    The dumbest thing? Maybe letting my dog run off while I had no shoes on and had to chase her INTO the woods. Why didn’t I just let her go off and be free? I don’t know. I love animals or something.


  76. On April 23rd, 2010 at 1:47 pm Maggie Says:

    Just yesterday I was picking up something for work on my way in. I buttoned my blazer before I got out, then realized I had buttoned the seatbelt inside… I was super-tired but at least I got a laugh first thing in the morning!

    I think I’ve tried that before with vanilla, but still needed to add sweetener – I guess the almond is sweeter?

  77. On April 23rd, 2010 at 1:47 pm CC Says:

    The cat’s butthole otherwise known as the “Pencil Sharpener” in our house.

  78. On April 23rd, 2010 at 2:12 pm Rebecca Says:

    I do so many dumb things it’s easy to just pick one or two or a dozen each and every day……..So because I’m special (we share the same first name). I’m going to share something that is smart……..

    My daughter will go off to kindergarten in July (year around school district)

    On the same day, my just turned 3 year old son will go to pre-school …….FOUR half days per week.

    Aaahhhhhh do you hear that….peace and quiet

  79. On April 23rd, 2010 at 2:30 pm LindsayLu Says:

    I was dumb by going outside to take pictures of the LOVELY spring snow…IN MY UNDERWEAR.
    It was cold, and someone drove by the front of my house at that precise moment.

    It would have been better if I’d laced my coffee with delicious flavored booze. Herrr.

  80. On April 23rd, 2010 at 2:51 pm Michelle Says:

    you know theres a Family Ties episode about Uncle Ned (played by Oscar Award Winning Tom hanks) the drunk finding Vanilla Extract because he couldnt find any beer…(it was one of those “Very Special Episodes”)

    Whenever I bake, I think of Uncle ned…

    just youtube Tom Hanks and Family Ties…it’s the 1st video…who knew the show was so educational!

  81. On April 23rd, 2010 at 3:47 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I’m not gonna tell you what dumb thing I did today, but I saw a photo on facebook captioned, “the boys filming for all PROSPERITY.” Tell me that shit’s not funny. So, it was my sister who did it. Now, do I mention her mistake, or pretend like I didn’t notice it?

  82. On April 23rd, 2010 at 3:50 pm Barbara Says:

    I accidentally put salt into a cookie recipe instead of sugar. I now remember to always taste the batter.

    I had no idea that there was alcohol in almond extract? Does vanilla extract have alcohol in it too?

  83. On April 23rd, 2010 at 4:24 pm Becca Says:

    Oh, how about tell my boss how I really feel about how the upper eschelon in my prison is running my program into the ground. How’s that for stupid??

  84. On April 23rd, 2010 at 4:30 pm Karen Says:

    If you can (and it is a damn difficult thing to do!) find alcohol-free pure vanilla extract. The Giant food store near us carries it. It is damn hard to find!!
    It is comparatively expensive but so freaking worth it!!

    The taste is so definitively vanilla that 1/8 tsp packs 500% more taste than 1 tbsp of the any of the stuff with the alcohol in it.

    If we can work it out I would be happy to become your dealer!

  85. On April 23rd, 2010 at 5:28 pm kalakly Says:

    Jebus, exactly how much almond ex do you put in your coffee? You do know it’s supposed to be a flavor ‘enhancer’ not the whole beverage rt?
    I have images of you and Lucy and her vitavetavegimin syrup playing in my head now.
    Do you pop out at parties?

  86. On April 23rd, 2010 at 5:57 pm Amanda Says:

    OMFG! That is hilarious! A once brilliant idea thwarted by the fact that its laden with alcohol. Damn. Too bad splenda REALLY does taste like ass! I can’t stand that crap! Its awful!

  87. On April 23rd, 2010 at 6:07 pm June Gardens Says:

    Oh, you poor thing. I used to drink the vanilla on our pantry shelf when I was a kid, not knowing it was loaded with the alk-y-hol. Yes, I am in AA now. Why do you ask?

    I think I just outed myself on your blog. And there went the dumbest thing I did lately.

  88. On April 23rd, 2010 at 6:58 pm flutter Says:

    You made me snort! like, out loud!

  89. On April 23rd, 2010 at 7:07 pm Melissa Says:

    How do you snort silently?

  90. On April 23rd, 2010 at 7:23 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    First of all, the title cracks me up!

    Stupidest thing I did this week, hmmmm. that would be getting mad at the neighbor for mowing his lawn during nap time. Until I realized it wasn’t the neighbor, it was the fertilizer company in MY OWN YARD! How did I not realize someone was in my own yard, in the middle of the day?! Oh, probably because I only slept for like 3 hours that night before. When you said last post that raising kids is hard, you were not lying, lady! You were definitley truthing!!

  91. On April 23rd, 2010 at 8:26 pm Elly Lou Says:

    How bout we just stick with the dumbest thing I did today? I poured a nice cold glass of milk over the tea bag in my mug and boiling water into my cereal. Ta dah.

  92. On April 23rd, 2010 at 7:31 pm BeccaNOTBecky Says:

    Holy Fuck. I was sitting here laughing along about you getting drunk on almond extract. My little amelia is sitting next to me and says “what you laughing at” so…not wanting to try and explain the blogosphere to her I said “some lady wrote about getting drunk from almond extract” her response “did she get pregnant while she did that”

    She cursed you.

    Step away from the almond extract!

  93. On April 23rd, 2010 at 10:27 pm Carol Says:

    I would tell you about the stupid thing I’ve done but I’m laughing so hard i can barely type!

  94. On April 23rd, 2010 at 9:37 pm katrina Says:

    god, that is so funny……i’m stocking up on extracts. The secret to losing weight after having a baby… to throw up 10-15 times a day, for the whole 9 fucking months…even on the delivery table. I’m small, 105 lbs., but gained 50lbs carrying my first little crotch parasite….even tho i vomitted EVERYTHING i ate and drank. The doc kept saying the baby was fine and growing (strong little parasite, taking all my nourishment) The day after giving birth, i was back to my reg. weight….( the baby was 8 1/2 lbs….fat little thing… I was anemic, (my hair was falling out), and weak….ahhhh, sweet memories! The dumbest thing i did was get pregnant again.

  95. On April 24th, 2010 at 12:41 am Carla Says:

    I’m so putting that shit in my tea from now on.

    This wasn’t recent, but I once ate an entire bag of gum drops. They were good. Then my mother springs it on me “Oh, and they’re sugar-free, too!” W.T.F?? I got so fucking sick that night. It was in that moment that I swore off anything that ended in “ol” – sorbitol, malitol, all of the “ol”s are evil.

    I have colitis and have never been as sick as I was that night from the sorbitol-laced gum drops. I still bring up the gum drop incident to my mother “Oh, ya….and remember that time I nearly shit my liver out because you poisoned me with sugar substitute?”

    And my mother? She likes to bake cookies with Almond Extract. The neighbor won’t let her kids eat them because there’s alcohol in there. These are Italian cookies. I’ve been eating them since I popped into the world because, to us, these cookies are a MUST at every occasion – like cold cuts…..where I’m from, you could have an entire gourmet meal spread for an event, but you better have that fucking plate of ham and turkey and cheese or it’s just NOT a proper event and people will talk “Yeah, the food was good, but there were no cold cuts”. Same with these cookies. I had no idea people thought they were “adult” cookies because of the Extract. But, hey, more for the rest of us!!

    I’m a regular sugar, gal. I just don’t do subs. If I have to choose between a few extra calories and hours of power-washer shits, I choose the calories.

  96. On April 24th, 2010 at 10:51 am Melissa Says:

    Power Washer Shits!!! I am SO using that the next time someone scolds me for not drinking diet sodas at work. ( I have IBS, AND I try to only have one a day)

    This will be my phrase from now on lol.

  97. On April 23rd, 2010 at 11:41 pm Lisa Says:

    Way to get sauced! It would certainly make the mornings more zippy! lol

  98. On April 24th, 2010 at 12:51 am karen Says:

    I’m a regular sugar chick too, mostly because when I kicked the diet pepsi habit, I LOST WEIGHT! crazy, I know.

    I later heard that the chemicals that make up aspartame are used to stimulate the cows to EAT MORE! yep. an appetite stimulant. Depressing.

    More recently I heard (on CBC, same place I met you, Aunt Becky, and I have a mom2mom crush on you and your writing now) that when your tongue tastes fake sugars, it tells the rest o’ yer body, “Treat alert, sugar high to come!” and the rest of the body, or parts thereof, get ready to party like an addict tying off a vein. When the hit never comes, the body gets super pissed, and demands, MORE MORE MORE, I WANT THAT SUGAR HIGH!

    Well. I just feed my kids a variety of sweeteners, including agave when i don’t want them super revved. Seems to be doing the trick there. Oh, and I’m not raising them on sugared cereals. Those are strictly for recesses at school so that the teachers can deal with the fallout. πŸ˜‰

  99. On April 24th, 2010 at 12:54 am karen Says:

    oh and all the ‘ols like sorbitol go badass on my digestive tract too … dumbest thing I did in my tweens was to consume an entire roll of sorbitol laced mints, while wearing a dici bra whilst bowling with the local girl guide troop. Not only was I a root a toot tooting like a boy scout, and painfully explosively so, I was also popping my sister’s awesome dici (front latch, not for the stacked girls) and swinging those babies with every ball I rolled.

    o happy day. g’night.

  100. On April 24th, 2010 at 3:48 am Marinka Says:

    that’s hysterical. You can give up the almond extract. Just admit that you’re powerless over it. One day at a time. baby. Big, drunk baby.

  101. On April 24th, 2010 at 4:59 am Rachel W Says:

    Ah, I feel your pain. I, too, have had three kids. I put on 20 kilos (44 pounds) with my first baby, and the same again with kid number three. In between them both, I put on 30 kilos (66 pounds) with monster baby number two (he popped out weighing just shy of 10 pounds). Now, nearly 12 years after the arrival of kid number one, I’m about five kilos (11 pounds) off my ideal weight, and have gone back to exercise and WW to deal with it. WW and regular exercise really are the only things that have worked to flay the fat off me, in between babies; I hope to God it’s still going to work now.

    Good luck!

  102. On April 24th, 2010 at 6:17 am sky Says:

    Did you know that Starbucks sells sugar free flavour syrup?? I’ve got the vanilla and the cinnamon dolce version. Delish!

  103. On April 24th, 2010 at 8:57 am Shin Ae Says:

    My takeaway is that I need to find myself an almond latte.

  104. On April 24th, 2010 at 11:47 am KYouell Says:

    I can’t read all the comments because I already aspirated some of my sausage & egg scramble while watching the trailer for The Other Guys & my sinuses can’t take anymore.

    I think you should go for the almond extract, just make your own. I make my own vanilla extract with rum & vanilla beans (insert in dark glass jar with screw top lid, swish when you remember to, use at will) so mine is 40% alcohol by volume. But it’s some nice rum, not crappy ethyl alcohol diluted by water. So if you pick a lower proof alcohol and make your own… though I’m not exactly sure what to do about the almonds. I assume the barbecue flavor from Blue Diamond would be a bad choice. Perhaps google could help you figure that part out? At least I’ve pointed you in the right direction, right?

  105. On April 24th, 2010 at 11:55 am KYouell Says:

    BTW, my vanilla from Trader Joe’s was the same 35% alcohol by volume (though prefer saying it’s 70 proof) as your almond. I don’t think anyone is getting less alcohol by using vanilla instead of almond. And it doesn’t bake off fast enough for that to be a saving grace.

  106. On April 24th, 2010 at 3:59 pm @mikemoore72 Says:

    my wife is the best cook, but we never eat as well as when she is doing weight watchers. their cookbooks are da bomb. most authentic chinese food we’ve ever made at home is a WW recipe (happy to share if you’re interested).

    you always put a smile on my face, but this post absolutely cracked me up. bravo my lady, bravo.

  107. On April 24th, 2010 at 9:09 pm mumma boo Says:

    Bwahahahaha!! I just love you.

  108. On April 25th, 2010 at 1:02 am Alexandra Says:

    Now there’s a reason to buy a boatload of extract. Drunk in the morning, with no one to figure it out.

    Gotta love it.

  109. On April 25th, 2010 at 6:59 am Wendi Says:

    Oh, my this made me laugh.

    btw, how many points is nail polish remover?

  110. On April 25th, 2010 at 1:19 pm Laura Says:

    No Shit?! I actually got up from the computer and checked and I am shocked!!! And then I downed the entire bottle because my MIL is here and driving me insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You poor dear – you are getting sauced in the morning!

  111. On April 25th, 2010 at 6:57 pm Kristine Says:

    Dude – how much extract were you putting in your coffee?

    Also – Splenda is disgusting. The end.

  112. On April 25th, 2010 at 8:52 pm giggleblue Says:

    you know, they make flavoring syrups. lets pick some up.

  113. On April 25th, 2010 at 10:29 pm Laura M Says:


    I happen to worship Splenda – had none at hand the other day and tried to make a cup of tea with real sugar for the first time in a couple months and it was the most awful piss-tasting crap. Amazing.

    Starbucks has sugarfree syrup???

    And the dumbest thing lately … my best friend of 15 years asked me if chicken was a bird.

  114. On April 26th, 2010 at 7:01 am Susan @ Sassafrassery Says:

    Heading out to buy almond extract RIGHT NOW.

  115. On April 26th, 2010 at 11:53 am At Least I Didn’t Try to March ON The Babies | Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] Nobel Prize for Awesomeness just for existing, but after admitting that I have been inadvertently getting myself loaded in the morning WITHOUT REALIZING IT, I don’t think I’ll be winning any sorts of genius competitions. Mostly because I […]

  116. On April 26th, 2010 at 1:00 pm Kristin Says:


  117. On April 26th, 2010 at 1:32 pm Mwa Says:

    Seriously??? How long did it take you to find out? And once you found out, how tempted were you to pretend you hadn’t? Because a week more or less would not have mattered, right?

  118. On April 26th, 2010 at 2:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It took me OVER A WEEK to realize it. I was all, “WHY THE FUCK AM I SO TIRED *hic* ALL THE TIME?” Then I was all, “I can tell no one.” And that lasted for 45 minutes. Until I told The Internet.

  119. On April 29th, 2010 at 4:14 pm nicole Says:

    i have found the answer to thyroid stupidity. it is called interval training. and it works. my metabolism is finally moving. after gaining weight eating 1200 cal per day (seriously) I finally feel good.

    Oh, and lots of fucking vitamins. fistfulls.

  120. On April 29th, 2010 at 6:32 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  121. On April 29th, 2010 at 8:29 pm Nicole Says:

    Girl! I sort of stumbled into the interval training class at the YMCA. I wanted off the damn eliptical and I heard the awesomely bad disco going on. I was like oh I guess they call aerobics ‘conditioning’ now. And I was having a blast. She like faster faster, and i just thought she (instructor) was a sadist (typical) but then she like grab the weights and makes us do all sorts of weird spastic shit while lifting them.

    Then I noticed something about two days later. Noticably thinner. And exercising more intensly was easier. So then I lost more weight and had more energy.

    The vitamins are B & iron for my anemia, which contributed to tired and depressed ness.

    Whoo. Interval training!

  122. On April 30th, 2010 at 8:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I love you. I spent ALL DAY waiting for your reply because I was all SHE HAS A MYSTICAL SECRET FOR ME!! Thank you! I do weight watchers but I need haaalllppp. I have to include exercise or I’ll be taking this 45 pounds (okay 60) for 60 years.

  123. On April 29th, 2010 at 8:29 pm Nicole Says:

    Girl! I sort of stumbled into the interval training class at the YMCA. I wanted off the damn eliptical and I heard the awesomely bad disco going on. I was like oh I guess they call aerobics ‘conditioning’ now. And I was having a blast. She like faster faster, and i just thought she (instructor) was a sadist (typical) but then she like grab the weights and makes us do all sorts of weird spastic shit while lifting them.

    Then I noticed something about two days later. Noticably thinner. And exercising more intensly was easier. So then I lost more weight and had more energy.

    The vitamins are B & iron for my anemia, which contributed to tired and depressed ness.

    Whoo. Interval training!

  124. On April 30th, 2010 at 2:16 pm Attorneys For Wrongful Death Says:

    I get a satisfactory level of sweetness that doesn’t taste like assballs. Though it hasn’t done anything to reduce my superfluous flab, as far as I can tell.

  125. On May 13th, 2010 at 8:05 am Molly Says:



    Am going to keep this on file to read whenever I need a laugh.


  126. On May 2nd, 2014 at 7:30 am Tiffanny Says:

    God you make me laugh. All.the.time. Don’t stop.

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