Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Marriage and Other Bad Ideas


Today over at Toy With Me, I’m telling the story of my first (and only) visit to the strip club. I can only hope that you have similar stories of abject molestation to share with me. Or, at least perhaps you can get a laugh at my expense.

Just don’t ever say I never give you anything.

Click the smiling beaver below to be taken away:

Or stick around for a Blast From The Past, for those of you not wanting to imagine me with a pair of testicles on my face (I do not know why not):


Becky: “Do you like my manicure?” (playfully wraggles black fingernails in Daver’s face)

Dave (grabs hand for closer inspection): “Ooooh. Freaky! Won’t Ashley be mad that you had black nail polish put on for her wedding?”

Becky: “Nah. It’s perfectly vogue now. It’s no longer JUST for goth chicks.”

Dave: “Ah.”

Dave (grabs her hand again. This time her right hand, although not unkindly): “Wait a minute…is your wedding ring STUCK ON?”

Becky (sheepishly, in a small voice): “Yes.” (pauses) “I kept in on too long after I got pregnant with Amelia. And now I can’t get it off.”

Dave (eyes take on a mischievous gleam): “You know what this means, right?”

Becky: “Please don’t take me down to the fire station to get it cut off. I’m so ashamed. I HAVE FINGER FAT NOW.”

Dave: “No, no. I wouldn’t do that. And your finger looks great. But…”

(pauses dramatically for effect)

Dave: “You SEE this ring? IT MEANS I OWN YOU.”

Becky: “That’s MY line, assface.”

Dave: “And look at how badly it blew up in your face.”

Becky: “Touche.”

41 Comments to

“Marriage and Other Bad Ideas”

  1. On October 6th, 2009 at 8:37 am Tweets that mention Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Marriage and Other Bad Ideas -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mommy Ideas!. Mommy Ideas! said: #Moms Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Marriage and Other Bad Ideas […]

  2. On October 6th, 2009 at 8:38 am MK Says:

    I currently have black nails as well as sausage fingers. GD kids, seriously, they eff up every part of your body.

  3. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:52 am Kelly Says:

    My rings are stuck on for the fourth time and I still have to make it to January. I, however, much prefer the stuck rings to the newest layer of stretch marks I am getting!

  4. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am Melanie Says:

    You are lucky to have Dave. He is even more lucky to have you.

  5. On October 6th, 2009 at 10:30 am violet Says:

    “You SEE this ring? IT MEANS I OWN YOU.”

    Awww, that is one of the sweetest things a man could think of to say with this situation. Kind of like saying, you can’t leave me now. Cute

  6. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:34 am Allie Says:

    That is great. So my engagement ring is half size small than my wedding ring and it is stuck on my finger – does that mean I’m forever engaged?

  7. On October 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am Lu ~ @masmom Says:

    hahahaha Totally.

  8. On October 6th, 2009 at 10:42 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I remember when this post came around the first time. Does that make me a long-time reader?

  9. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:50 am MamaSkates Says:

    haha, we got our bands tattooed on – we’re really (happily) stuck now! ;0)

  10. On October 6th, 2009 at 10:13 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Ha. Lovely!

    Yeah, I finally was able to fit my wedding ring back on. I haven’t tried taking it off again though…

  11. On October 6th, 2009 at 10:30 am Cassie Says:

    My husband rarely wears his wedding ring. I guess I don’t own him 🙁 LOL

  12. On October 6th, 2009 at 11:47 am dubiousma Says:

    Unlike my mindset on ahem, other things, I like giving Touche way better than getting Touche

  13. On October 6th, 2009 at 11:32 am kyslp Says:

    Beaver Talk Tuesday is the holiday that keeps giving. Yeah!

  14. On October 6th, 2009 at 12:48 pm Rebecca Says:

    When my husband gave me the engagement and later the wedding ring both were way too big. I was always afraid that they’d fly right off my finger, especially in the winter…for some reason, my fingers got even smaller in the winter……Anyway, two crotch parasites later, they are now stuck on my finger. MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT.

  15. On October 6th, 2009 at 12:06 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    LOL! I rarely wear mine. It has an open weave pattern than gets gunked up with things constantly & is a pita to clean.

  16. On October 6th, 2009 at 12:49 pm Amanda Says:

    Yeah, he owns you.
    That’s freaking funny as hell.

    No one owns Aunt Becky!

  17. On October 6th, 2009 at 2:07 pm Daddy Needs Some Alone Time Says:

    I rarely wear my ring, and it doesn’t bother my wife. But it bothers me that it doesn’t bother her.

  18. On October 6th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Melissa Says:

    ok… funny story? My MoH took me to a strip club for my bachelorette party. Ummm… ya, much as you remember. Only I got a case of the giggles and actually offended the “dancers” because I was laughing at them. The “lap dance” my “friends” paid for was just grody and the twins (yep; twin male strippers. Sounds like it should be hot… it was not.) UGGG.

  19. On October 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    Your conversations with the Daver always sound like ones I have with the Hubs. The other night we had an “argument” about whether or not he is secretly a Mexican. (He is. I was right.)

  20. On October 6th, 2009 at 1:59 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I take my ring off at night because I swear my fingers swell up overnight. Sometimes I forget to put it back on, and then my fingers swell up during the day. I end up going days without my ring on. My husband, however, keeps his on all the time. I guess when we’re out together with our unbalanced ring wearing, he looks like he’s taken a lovah!

  21. On October 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm Stone Fox Says:

    well, i bought my own wedding ring a couple of days before i got married. it’s a plain band and it cost $70. my husband has pointed to my ring and said, “see? that’s my proof of purchase.” to which i replied, “except for the part where i had to BUY MY OWN WEDDING RING. ARSEHOLE.”

  22. On October 6th, 2009 at 2:24 pm Nel Says:

    When I was 12, I got a ring stuck on my right hand because I worse since I was 10 without taking it off. I was a really hardcore soccer player at the time. The referee saw the ring on my finger and didn’t let me play. So I pretended to have a broken finger and wrapped it up with an Ace bandage so he couldn’t see it. Sucker! I owned him!

  23. On October 6th, 2009 at 3:43 pm Kristin Says:

    That was the perfect response!

  24. On October 6th, 2009 at 4:02 pm Teresa Says:

    My hubby calls his wedding ring his mini handcuff……and tells me all the time that it gives him the right to whatever…..I just laugh at him….and then tell him that prisoners have rights too! LOL

  25. On October 6th, 2009 at 5:42 pm Meg Says:

    HEHEHE, I’ve only done that once, soaked my fingers in ice for 1 hour in order to avoid having to cut my rings. I wear three on my left ring finger…way too many to get fixed :p

    I’d never get an offer to be’re soo lucky…

  26. On October 6th, 2009 at 6:37 pm Susan Says:

    A. Want black nails but wonder if I am too old/uncool for them.
    B. HOLY HELL that was a good strip club story!!! And I thought I had something with the stripper cussing me out b/c he was convinced someone from our group stole his g-string!! (which i emphatically denied and cussed him to hell back at him. ends up, some drunk and very stupid girl we were with DID steal it. dumbass.)

  27. On October 6th, 2009 at 7:22 pm cjupiter Says:

    Due to our jobs, the husband and I don’t wear our rings to work. Well, *I* don’t, and he wasn’t supposed to… but he did, and promptly lost it. Of course he was overseeing some heavy equipment on a paving crew that day, so his wedding band and, in a previous slip, his cell phone, are part of a road now.

    “Hello, Department of Transportation? The road at Mile Marker 101 seems to be… ringing… yeah, sounds like Metallica.. no, I haven’t been drinking!”

    BTW I did buy him a new ring. Size 14, special order only. Who’s got sausage fingers? O.o

  28. On October 6th, 2009 at 8:42 pm Misty Says:

    @Cassie (My husband rarely wears his wedding ring. I guess I don’t own him 🙁 LOL)
    I’d punch him. I told mine that if he wasn’t wearing his, I’d punch him w/ mine so his face would have a diamond impression and everyone would know he was married AND an asshole.

  29. On October 6th, 2009 at 7:50 pm Trista Says:

    Heheh husbands are good like that. Before we were married I made the mistake of saying, within my husband’s earshot, that meeting him was like winning the lottery. I meant it in a “what are the odds?” kind of way, but what he heard was that I am the most fortunate girl in the world to have had his awesomeness bestowed upon me.

  30. On October 6th, 2009 at 7:56 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Score one for the Daver!

  31. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:36 pm dubiousMa Says:

    Okay, am I the only person who is seeing this blog look totally different than it did when I saw it this morning, or do I just need to put the joint down? Are you messing with my head, Aunt Becky? You ARE Aunt Becky, right? The reeaalllll Aunt Becky? LOL…but no, seriously….

  32. On October 6th, 2009 at 8:48 pm Io Says:

    My finger are getting to that perilously fat place where mine is very very hard to get off. And what would be more embarrassing than having to have firefighters cut your ring off? Knowing the firefighters. I better lose some weight.

  33. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:58 pm The Daver Says:

    We’re messing with the comments! THREADING!

  34. On October 6th, 2009 at 9:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  35. On October 7th, 2009 at 8:17 am Nyx Says:

    So, maybe this is just me…but I can’t read this article! It’s all in the sidebar!

  36. On October 7th, 2009 at 10:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No, *sighs* it’s totally not just you. It’s anyone using Internet Explorer. It should work in another browser. It’s the theme, not you. *sighs* ANNOYED.

  37. On October 7th, 2009 at 10:58 pm Nyx Says:

    hm, it appears to have *magically* fixed itself. must be the internet imps.

    thankyou, internet imps, thankyou.

  38. On October 7th, 2009 at 3:51 pm Cat Says:

    Awwww… Daver is so sweet.

    Also, go Firefox!

  39. On October 8th, 2009 at 5:38 am Kendra Says:

    My husband often removed his ring when he’s exercising, gardening, etc. That used to really bother me, since my parents had this “our rings will never be removed no matter what” policy that I found very romantic. Now they’re divorced, and my dad is married to a woman who used to be my dear friend. And I remove my ring when I make hamburgers, because I don’t want to try to scrape raw meat out of the stones and I finally figured out that rings does not = happily ever after.

    Haven’t read the other story yet, but I’m glad to hear (from the sense I’m getting) that I’m not the only one to have found the male strip club more creepy than anything. I went once, at a friend’s bachelorette party. They seemed to have no concept of what women find sexy. Men? Think that a mostly naked woman shaking is a 100% turn-on. Me? A greased-up guy in most of a g-string in the middle of what looks like an old roller rink was less hot than the guys on motorcycles giving us the eye on the way there. Can’t wait to read about your experience, though!

  40. On October 9th, 2009 at 9:13 am Kristine Says:

    When I picked out my ring, I got it a little bigger than my current finger size – not huge, just slightly loose. I figured, being 22 at the time, and having met my mother I was bound to gain a few pounds and I’m cheap, so I didn’t ever want to have to buy a new ring.

  41. On January 15th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Meg Says:

    Black nail polish and bridesmaiding go great together! What’s his problem!

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