Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Mail! Bag! Fun! Time!


Dear Aunt Becky,

are smokers better tippers than non-smokers?

Waiting Tables and Making Stereotypes

Little Miss Prejudice,

You’ll learn quickly, oh sweetest of the peas, that there are all types of stereotypes for people when you’re serving. Some of them are very, very PC–as in “try and NOT wait on a table of middle aged women if you a) want to turn the table, well, ever, b) are female and c) want a tip”–and many of them are not. Since your beloved Auntie Becky writes on a pretty PC blog, she’s not about to start waving fingers.

Just believe me when I say that stereotypes often exist for a reason.

But, fair Googler, you searched here with a question. A question I can actually answer, unlike many of the horrifying search terms that bring people here to my doorstep.

And my answer to you across the board is that yes, smokers are much better tippers. They’re also kinder, more laid back, and overall the most pleasant sort of patron to wait on. I don’t know if it’s the nicotine or the fact that they have something to do with their hands to distract them from being a fucking dick, but servers will tend to vie to serve a table of smokers.

You, fair reader, will learn in time the other stereotypes.

All my best,
Auntie Becky


Deer Ant Becky,

I have a mispelled name on florida drivers license. Hellp.

da DMV sux

Dear Kind Soul Who Blames The DMV For A Misspelled Name (when he, in fact, cannot spell misspell),

Perhaps, dear sir or madam, the problem is not with the DMV, it is with you.

Perhaps you, like so many of my friends in high school, were determined to get a fake ID at any cost. So perhaps you, in a fit of alcohol deprivation and against all good judgement, went down to the city to meet with a man who could get you an ID for a couple hundred dollars.

Maybe you, like them, didn’t bother to actually LOOK at the ID before forking over loads of cash to a dude standing in an abandoned warehouse in a really shitty neighborhood. So then, if you were as brilliant as my friends, you possibly want to go out and celebrate your newfound 21-ness with a dinner and a beer or perhaps a cocktail, if it suits you better.

But then, it’s conceivable that the waitress, upon closer inspection of your California Driver’s License (even though you are from Illinois), notices something. Something that, in your haste, it’s likely you overlooked.

Because your new license, the one you payed oodles of dollars for to some skeezy guy says this on it:

California Driver’s Liscence.

Did you catch that? The misspelling of the word license? Because she sure did. And that landed you a nice visit from the police, in the middle of the restaurant.

Smoove move, Ex-Lax.

Or maybe you just don’t know how to spell your own name. Could be.

With love and a dictionary,



Aunt Becky,

How do I use vinegor (sic) and bleach for house cleaning?


Cleanliness Is Godliness

Dear Never Took Chemistry Class. Ever,

I’m sitting here thinking that it’s likely that you skipped school a lot, probably to smoke up with your stoner friends and then walk around Target laughing at stuff and things. Then, in my mind’s eye, I see you eating your weight in both Funyons and Twizzlers before nodding off into a nice, deep nap.

I’m also thinking that you should probably have gone to school instead.

Because then, you dumbass, you wouldn’t have searched for cleaning with vinegar and bleach.

Okay, so that probably went over your head.

See, here, there are these things called acids. Examples include: citric acid (lemon juice), tannic acid (wine), carbonic acid (gives your delicious Mountain Dew carbonation), uric acid (in pee). And here is the kicker: VINGER is also an acid (acetic acid).

Got it?

Then, brilliant internet searcher, there are these things called bases. Examples include: antacids (Tums), human blood, and baking soda. Also, and most relevant here: BLEACH.

Mixing acids and bases should only be done if you know what the byproduct is (also Add Acids to bases). And the byproduct here: TOXIC CHLORINE GAS.

Sure, it might make a better cleaner (the vinegar is said to lower the pH of the bleach), but it also might kill you dead. Which won’t make anything cleaner.

Smugly Yours,
Aunt Becky, Amateur Chemist

41 Comments to

“Mail! Bag! Fun! Time!”

  1. On March 6th, 2009 at 12:46 pm sara Says:

    I’m so sorry that I haven’t commented in forever. I am still reading along each step of the way and keeping you and your family in my thoughts as always. As always you have me laughing!

  2. On March 6th, 2009 at 12:49 pm sara Says:

    Forgot to say that your little one is beautiful and I worry about her nonstop! I know I’m pathetic or sound silly…but honestly I do ((Hugs))

  3. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Betts Says:

    You sound so smart with all your chem-talk. I knew not to mix the things, but I couldn’t have said why. I couldn’t help thinking that a “cleaner” is the mob term for someone that gets rid of dead bodies. And what that has to do with anything, I don’t know, but sometimes my mind works in funny ways.

  4. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:06 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    For the record, when someone has the idea to mix bleach and vinegar, discouraging them is contrary to Darwinism.

    Think about it: do we REALLY want these people in the gene pool?

  5. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:22 pm Heather R. Says:

    I agree with SciFi dad. The last one will never get to read your post. They are already dead.

  6. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:25 pm Badass Geek Says:

    I dunno… with being dead from the vinegar and the bleach cocktail, there wouldn’t be much housework left to do.

  7. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:25 pm giggleblue Says:

    yeah, i was thinking along the lines of scifi dad – you know, that whole natural selection process. kinda like choosing to ride your crotch rocket without a helmet or choosing not to wear a condom with the really cheap hooker.

    some people need to be left to their own devices.

  8. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm Danielle Says:

    AHAHAHAHA! i don’t k now of the comments or your post is funnier! Becky is back, biatches!

  9. On March 6th, 2009 at 1:33 pm Eva Says:

    This brings me back to when I was waiting tables. After much reflection and discussion with the other servers at the time, we determined that the best tippers are gay smokers who drink, God love ’em.

  10. On March 6th, 2009 at 2:00 pm lola Says:

    Aren’t you just a little smartypants! I have never waitressed in my life, but I will keep that in mind since the economy is in the crapper. Thanks.

  11. On March 6th, 2009 at 2:04 pm Kristine Says:

    Never waited tables, but this totally makes sense, my dad (a 40-year smoker, recently quit) has always been a much better tipper than my mom (a non-smoker). I just thought it was because he was nicer than she was – now I know it was the Winstons!

  12. On March 6th, 2009 at 2:18 pm Coco Says:

    I love you, Becky.

    The Mail! Bag! Fun! Time! posts always crack me up. I may swipe the idea. I may also fight the daver for your affections, but I fight dirty, just so we all know.

  13. On March 6th, 2009 at 2:20 pm Amanda Says:

    Hahahaha! Vinegar and bleach!

  14. On March 6th, 2009 at 2:47 pm Karen Says:

    You are a genius. I always knew that. From my limited exposure to the resturant business (probably not the best confession from someone who owns 25% of a bar/resturant) smokers are MUCH better tippers. As are shot doers.

    Thanks for making me laugh.

  15. On March 6th, 2009 at 3:36 pm mumma boo Says:

    What? There are restaurants out there that still have smoking sections? No wonder we get such crappy service in MA – no smokers in the restaurant to give the staff incentive!

  16. On March 6th, 2009 at 4:03 pm Io Says:

    A little toxic chlorine gas will just make the cleaning experience more FUN. Why you trying to kill the fun Becky?

  17. On March 6th, 2009 at 4:33 pm ainebegonia Says:

    I still don’t understand why anyone with a sense of smell would want to clean with vinegar anyway. Vinegar and bleach is just plain stupid, no grown person should think that this is a good idea.

  18. On March 6th, 2009 at 4:39 pm Lisa Says:

    Well, I finally got caught up on your blog…got swamped at work. I am so glad your little girl is here and healthy. The last time I read you were heading to the doctor to find out if you were having a boy or girl. Amen for Ameila…Girl Power!!! So sorry I was missing in action and I have so missed your blog.

    PS: Love the new look!!!

    check out my friends blog…

    She is hysterical too…6 kids…You can only imagine the fun they have!

  19. On March 6th, 2009 at 4:47 pm The Mommy Says:

    Ya know, I used to go out to eat with the smoking crew (although I never smoked myself). This may be why I’m such a good tipper 😉

    And I actually was a professional chemist (ya know, before kids) and your explanation sounded more professional than mine probably would have. Most likely I would have simply said, “What? Are you fucking nuts? Do you have a death wish?”

  20. On March 6th, 2009 at 6:13 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    My fake ID isn’t misspelled, it clearly says “McLovin.”

  21. On March 6th, 2009 at 6:26 pm Heather R. Says:

    LMFAO @ Ginger!!!!!!

  22. On March 6th, 2009 at 7:30 pm Lala Says:

    Would it be totally non-pc for me to point out that vinegar+bleach is not a simple matter of acid-base chemistry and, in fact, vinegar IS often mixed with bleach in order to increase the disinfectant properties of the bleach? For any amateur chemists that care: when sodium hypochlorite (aka bleach) is acidified, the hypochlorite ion predominates, which is multifold more effective at killing microbes than the chlorite ion that exists at an alkaline pH.

    That having been said, the suggestion that it’s a hair-brained to mix UNDILIUTED household bleach with vinegar for the reason given (it releases chlorine gas) is valid. Thus, the red flags thrown by Google. Although it can be done safely (you dilute the bleach first – again Google can give you a recipe), a high percentage of the population wouldn’t do it correctly.

    I don’t mean to antagonize – as a former public health microbiologist, I worry that some people reading this might have been instructed to mix the two as part of their job and might freak out if they now think they are doing something wrong. Feel free to delete me if I’m just pissing you off. 🙂

  23. On March 6th, 2009 at 9:23 pm Trish Says:

    Becky- I just love you and your blog. (But not in an oogie stalkerish way :))

  24. On March 6th, 2009 at 9:37 pm Meghan Says:

    HEHEHE!!! I love it, this going to be a regular thing??? Or have I missed it again. Lack of sleep today and a miserable day;) Cheers chicky…pss I loved the picture of you the other blog day;)

  25. On March 6th, 2009 at 9:54 pm heather Says:

    I am loving your Flicker account though I suppose that isn’t relevent to the post at hand. In which case, lookit you with all that chemistry shit.

  26. On March 6th, 2009 at 10:27 pm The Notorious BEX Says:

    Oh Lala, I would never delete your comment! You’re absolutely right, and I admit that I didn’t go into that situation although I did know about it. And I love that you’re a microbiologist because it’s what I’m going to be when my kids are older.

    You’re officially my personal hero.

  27. On March 7th, 2009 at 6:28 am wishing4one Says:


  28. On March 7th, 2009 at 6:32 am zelzee Says:

    Reading this post was the absolute best way to start a day!

    Waitressing and house cleaning……..ain’t for sissies………..

  29. On March 7th, 2009 at 7:13 am Elaine at Lipstickdaily Says:

    Toxic chlorine gas . . . so THAT was that smell!

  30. On March 7th, 2009 at 10:03 am Jenn Says:

    Hey, I’m a GREAT tipper and I’ve never even tried smoking – not once! 🙂
    You always make me smile. xoxo

  31. On March 7th, 2009 at 3:14 pm Stacie Says:

    I too agree with Sci Fi Dad. Sometimes it is best just to let it be.

  32. On March 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm Heather R. Says:

    Damnit, every time I see this post title the Blue’s Clues mail song goes through my head. I haven’t watched it in years.

  33. On March 7th, 2009 at 9:29 pm kate Says:

    maybe a best post ever.

  34. On March 7th, 2009 at 9:30 pm kate Says:

    a great concept.

  35. On March 7th, 2009 at 9:30 pm kate Says:

    which i’m totally going to try not to steal. if i can.

  36. On March 7th, 2009 at 9:53 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    My searches include the word ‘panties’ far, far too often. I’m not sure I could write a post about these searches without provoking even more searches for such.

    (and I don’t necessarily mean to lump these things into one comment block, but I’m compelled to say, “How you doin’?” after seeing your photo down there!)

  37. On March 7th, 2009 at 11:37 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    smokers, eh?

    guess I’ll have to start tipping poorly. can’t be giving us non-smokers a good name. 😉

  38. On March 8th, 2009 at 1:13 am Heather R. Says:

    Dumb question but I am new to blogging. How do you know what people were looking up when they found you?

  39. On March 13th, 2009 at 1:36 pm Daniel Says:

    I’m trying to think up something dumb to ask you, but I don’t think I can pull off stupid like these people do.

  40. On August 11th, 2010 at 4:36 am Bartender Says:

    Yes! Smokers do tend to be better tippers. Weird, they’re doing something that makes their life/health worse, but they seem to be in a much better mood…at least when it’s time to tip!

    BTW, I just bookmarked your blog and would love for you to check out mine. Feel free to leave a comment.

  41. On August 11th, 2010 at 9:33 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hell YES I will. I MISS serving like you cannot believe. I was just thinking about that, actually. Cannot WAIT to read your blog.

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