Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



I’m pretty sure there’s a piano hovered neatly above my doorstep, ready to crash on my head the moment I walk outside. I’m totally using the back door, FYI. And no, you Uncle Pervies, not THAT back door.

I’d accepted the poisoned cake. I’d accepted glass-filled eyes.

But the tooth? That just seems excessive.

Yeah, that’s right. I broke a tooth yesterday. ANOTHER tooth. That would be the second tooth in six months.

And you’re probably thinking, “That Wiley Aunt Becky, she looooooves gnawing on boulders,” and you would be wrong. I prefer pebbles, if I’m going to gargle rocks at all (I have a small mouth).

See, I was all, “LOOKIT THIS DELICIOUS ALMOND! I AM GOING TO EAT THIS DELICIOUS ALMOND!” so I did. Then, I was all, “THAT FUCKING ALMOND DONE LODGED IN MAH TOOTH SOMEFIN’ WEIRD.” Apparently, I was also playing the part of Cletus, The Slack-Jawed Yokel.

So I stuck mah old finger on into my mouth to inelegantly dislodge that particular bit of feisty almond, when I all but sheered my finger off. Either that was some fucked-up almond, exacting revenge upon me for gnawing on it, or my tooth had broken. (the third, less popular option was that I’d eaten a razor blade, but that was quickly discarded as a possibility. I am dumb but I am not THAT dumb).

I waddled to the bathroom to attend to my bloody stump of a finger and to look in a mirror.

Sure enough, as I bled every-fucking-where, I saw it. A chunk of my waaaaaay back molar was gone. Presumably down my digestive tract, probably wrecking havoc and possibly killing me dead before the day is out (I don’t have high hopes of seeing tomorrow).

Well, fuck.

My tongue is shredded to ribbons from having the audacity to move, and I’m trying to fashion a tongue-bra to tide me over until 3:00, when my dentist can finally see me.

And fix the second tooth I’ve broken this year.

I expect a lecture on stress and how I should find some relaxing things to do, like take a bath! Eat some yogurt! Run five miles! But I won’t be listening to him. I’ll be too busy working on my i(don’t bother using it as a)Phone.

Hope he’ll get out of the way so I can see my screen. Otherwise a lot of people are going to be getting really bizarro emails.

If I don’t see you again, Pranksters, know that I love you. Each and every one of you.

(*waves* Hi Lurkers!)

And if I am back tomorrow, expect that I’ll be missing an arm, a leg, or possibly a face. You should probably start a betting pool.

Just, you know, sayin.

26 Comments to


  1. On December 13th, 2011 at 10:20 am PBBDesigns Says:

    Hmmm, betting on finger. Any takers?

  2. On December 13th, 2011 at 10:21 am PBBDesigns Says:

    Oh, and sorry about your tooth/tongue. That really stinks.

  3. On December 13th, 2011 at 10:26 am Cindy Says:

    WTF? You are really having quite a time right now. Here’s wishing you a holiday season where you remain in one piece.

  4. On December 13th, 2011 at 10:26 am Susan Says:

    (Lurker waves back enthusiastically)

    Maybe it’ll just be something minor that you can disguise with hair, like an earlobe.

  5. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:12 am Pete In Az Says:

    Can I have a Bizarro E-Mail?

  6. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:12 am Erin T Says:

    At least you’re getting it fixed immediately. I’m still waiting to get my front tooth fixed after busting my veneer off eating a cheese sandwich in October of 2010!! Good lucks to ya!

  7. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:28 am DiatribesAndOvations Says:

    Almonds SUCK.

  8. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:31 am chrisinphx Says:

    FYI….You’re only supposed to gargle marbles.

  9. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:33 am Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Nice knowin’ ya! 😉

  10. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:59 am Dawnie Says:

    I am dying, DYING, of laughter right now. But please don’t die of some freak piano-to-the-head accident. But if that does happen we’re burying you with the boob lamp. It just seems appropriate.

  11. On December 13th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Dawn Says:

    We lurk because we love.

  12. On December 13th, 2011 at 12:35 pm Julie Says:

    I’m not at all surprised. Almonds are well known as the raging assholes of the nut world. Teeth are really bothersome in general (I say, as I pick Mike and Ike’s out of mine). I’m thinking of having mine removed.

  13. On December 13th, 2011 at 12:45 pm Squatlo Says:

    Woman, I highly recommend a soft mouthpiece for you to use whenever you’re awake. And for when you’re not awake. Have you considered upping your beta-blockers, maybe with a little Robistussin as a chaser?

    At the rate you’re whittling yourself down, we might have to send a stenographer to your house in order to read your posts!

    Merry Christmas to you and yours. Try to be careful? What a concept!

  14. On December 14th, 2011 at 2:23 pm MidLyfeMama Says:

    I second mouthguard recommendation WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Except for use while sleeping, not awake. It is really hard to talk with one in. But, one cracked tooth and I became all about the mouthguard. I get them at CVS, Dentek brand. I am a clencher, not a grinder, but in either case you are likely ruining your teeth while sleeping. It takes some getting used to, but it is worth it.

  15. On December 13th, 2011 at 12:52 pm Tracie Says:

    We should probably wrap you in bubble wrap and roll you around in some giant bubble just to be safe.

  16. On December 13th, 2011 at 1:29 pm Miss Adventure Says:

    Time to start saving for the dentures. If you’re really audacious, try for a front tooth. That’ll get you pearly-fake-whites in no time flat!

  17. On December 13th, 2011 at 1:36 pm Caroline Says:

    Becky the Bubble Girl is a reality TV show I’d watch. Of course, now that I type that it sounds kinda pornish. So then I wouldn’t watch it.

    Not that I’m saying you wouldn’t do a fantastic job at being a porn star. I’m just not a porn watcher.

  18. On December 13th, 2011 at 2:14 pm thepsychobabble Says:

    If you make it to Friday, we’ll consider it a miracle.

  19. On December 13th, 2011 at 3:18 pm Darkside Says:

    Yeah, two years ago on Mothers’ Day I broke my back molar at dinner. Still haven’t gotten it fixed. I’m deathly phobic of the dentist/orthodontist. Eventually you get used to avoding it, and I guess your tongue just kinda toughens up, because I don’t feel it anymore.

  20. On December 13th, 2011 at 8:12 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    I recommend going to a dentist that still uses laughing gas. A LOT of laughing gas.

  21. On December 13th, 2011 at 8:50 pm amy Says:

    Hi, AB! Feel better soon!

  22. On December 13th, 2011 at 11:02 pm Bleu @ The Bleu Pills Says:

    Ow. I hope your tooth feels better after being mangled by an almond. Almonds – The true meaning of a “nut job.”

  23. On December 14th, 2011 at 12:07 am Michy Says:

    Hey, is this a bad time for me to gloat about not having any teeth to break? Well, that’s not totally true, I could break my dentures, but then I can just, like, super glue them back together if I don’t feel like driving to the dentist’s office. Or just go about my days as a toothless nail polish freak like I do most of the time anyway. Please live though, I sorta wanna give you a hug in person at some point!

  24. On December 14th, 2011 at 2:19 am nicki Says:

    That sucks!!!! Did you ever figure out the tongue-bra? That could get popular!! Hope you are doing better!!

  25. On December 14th, 2011 at 6:37 am wagthedad Says:

    Holy Jeezus. That sucks. I just got ma toof fixed. Hopefully none of them fall out, though….

    Reminds me of several years ago when I had my wisdom teeth out. I was nearly thirty, and my crazy goofy dentist was all “what do you want these out for? they’re healthy teeth.’ And I was all ‘because you can only see the tops of them down in those holes they never came out with and they are BROWN.’
    and he was all ‘still, I hate to remove an unhealthy tooth.’

    So we waited. And then I got horribly infected gums and nasty tooth infection wisdom teeth and then I was ‘I’m outta here’ and my NEW dentist was all ‘holy shit, why didn’t you have those out YEARS ago.’

    And so I did. And now they cause me no problems ’cause they’re GONE.

    No, I do not talk like this normally. Yes, I am on crack. That is all.

  26. On December 14th, 2011 at 8:32 am Grace Says:

    I hate my teeth. We won’t even discuss how many I’ve destroyed. But my husband definitely wins at our house for weirdest way to break a tooth – it was on a chocolate chip!

    Definitely count me in for the bizarro emails! Sounds like fun!

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