Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Look Kids! Big Ben! Parliament!


A couple of months ago, Dave informed me somewhat delicately that he would likely be sent to London to do something-or-other-complicated-stuff-that-I’m-too-stupid-to-get, and after my initial temper tantrum, he asked me for some advice on what to do while there.

You see, Internet, you didn’t know your Aunt Becky was a Continental World Traveller, did you (unless you read my 100 things about me page, which might have boasted my worldliness)? That’s right, *I* have been to Europe. Twice!

I was only 13 or 14 when I went, so the advice I could give Dave was probably not as current as anything I might want to do, oh I don’t know, say NOW. I wasn’t old enough to do anything hipster or funky-fresh. I ate where my orchestra told me to eat. I got stuck wearing neon-yellow sweatshirts with my name on the arm.


See, Aunt Becky circa 1995, age 14. Wanna make out?

(I should note that this picture was in an album, and the picture DIRECTLY above it is a picture of the large asses of two of the chaperones. It’s labeled: “Bitches and their fat asses.” Some things, I see, just don’t change)

I wracked my swiss cheesy memory to tell Dave something, anything about London. I remember all the other parts of England we visited with much more clarity. Like Bath. And the Lake District. All that I could remember about London proper was getting stalked by a group of men as we walked through a park. This was not the first time in Europe that I was followed around by creepy molesty-type Uncle Pervy’s.

Perhaps they liked my rockin’ sweatshirt.

All I could say to Dave who was going on and on and on about the Sushi restaurant in his hotel was that I wouldn’t eat sushi there. When hard pressed to explain myself, I couldn’t really save for that I remember the food over there being…different. Dave, the ever-quantifier, wanted to know what “different” meant as apparently I was not the only person who warned him about the food.

It took me until last night, as I was spraying my roses with pesticide (the rose-pesticide part is completely unrelated) to pin it down. Dave sat there outside with me, Amelia on his lap and it dawned on me how to put it in his terms.

“Okay, I got it,” I boasted. “The English? EAT MARMITE. Voluntarily.”

We shuddered in unison.

(Ben is half-Australian and was born loving the horror that is Vegemite. All I can say is that HE’S WELCOME TO ALL OF OUR PORTIONS because obviously. I don’t trust the judgement of anyone who eschews ice cream but loves something that tastes like vitamins. Also: BLECH)

Dave left this morning, promising to bring me back something “cool” from London. The last thing, I told him, that I’d bought from London was Use Your Illusion II (dude. Rad), so I was sure he could come up with something as cool. Like the entire Burberry store.

I have a feeling that I’ll end up with a tin of Altoids, purchased at O’Hare under the guise of being for me, but already half-eaten. Because, he’ll explain, he knows I don’t like them anyway. But I won’t care. I’ll be too happy that he’s home again.

Look! Kids!


Further proof that my eldest is He BEGS to change diapers. No, seriously you canNOT borrow him.


Amelia is now big enough to go into the Exersaucer. Say it with me now: What.The.Fuck?


Alex being, well, Alex. Aside from a nasty case of antibiotic-induced diarrhea, he’s feeling tip-top.

I’m lonely already, Internet. Will you be my husband?

65 Comments to

“Look Kids! Big Ben! Parliament!”

  1. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:22 pm Mommy Wants Vodka ร‚ยป Blog Archive ร‚ยป Look Kids! Big Ben! Parliament! | Sushi Restaurants Says:

    […] unknown wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAll I could say to Dave who was going on and on and on about the Sushi restaurant in his hotel was that I wouldn’t eat sushi there. When hard pressed to explain myself, I couldn’t really save for that I remember the food over there … […]

  2. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:38 pm Kristina Says:

    I would have made him take me. And then when he said no, I would’ve encouraged him to eat the sushi. You’re a better woman than I.

    Also, I think your daughter is an old soul. In that picture, she looks like she’s about 5 minutes away from astounding all of us by explaining what the meaning of life is. She is so cute!

  3. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:41 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    Just googled Marmite, ye gads!

    Oh and Exersaucers rule!

  4. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:48 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I would even be your boyfriend.
    Love…Ms. Moon

  5. On May 31st, 2009 at 1:13 pm Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    this may be f*ed up…. but I keep focusing on the fact that you were 14 in 1995… which makes you the same age as me… then there’s the fact that you had your first-born in 2001… same here… and the fact that you left the dirtbag father of your first born for treating you like crap… you took nursing so you could be self-sufficient etcetcetc…ummm… SERIOUSLY???!!! you could be writing MY LIFE!!!

    As for the rest- I’d make a really shitty husband… hell, I don’t even make a very good wife. My husband refers to me as his retirement plan because he’s under the mistaken notion that I can actually complete (get into) med school… and that doctors make buttloads of money. ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:28 pm amy Says:

    LOVE the vintage aunt becky pic!! Bitchin!!!

  7. On May 31st, 2009 at 1:29 pm Anjali Says:

    Yes! Do you want a formal marriage proposal and a ring? Or can we just elope?

  8. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:34 pm a Says:

    I’ve been sending my husband off to work in a different state every few weeks for 2 years now. It kinda sucks, until you realize that you have complete control. Then it’s OK for a while. It’s nice when they get back, though.

  9. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:41 pm Betty M Says:

    Big Ben fact – today is Big Ben’s 150th birthday. If Dave is staying in THE big fancy hotel with THE big fancy sushi restaurant he should be fine. I also have lots of fine dining tips should he need them. Food here has improved a lot in the last 14 years you know. Though if he doesn’t come back with something cool from my home town frankly he hasn’t tried. Happy to bore you with endless tips if you want. Marmite divides even here – 2 in this house love it , 2 would rather eat their own vomit. (Me, I love).
    Your kids are very cute you know.

  10. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:42 pm swirl girl Says:

    Look at those beauties!! Amelia is such a little person already!

  11. On May 31st, 2009 at 12:52 pm kalakly Says:

    Exersaucers are almost as good as swings for babysitting without pay!
    I remember the food in jolly ole London being bland and warm, just like the water and I begged them, begged them, (the London waiter types)for ICE which they brought out one cube at a time until finallly, being sick of the obnoxious american tourist, they brought me an ice bucket and parked it by my seat at the table.
    They can’t wait for me to come back, I tell ya.

  12. On May 31st, 2009 at 1:14 pm Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I would tell him to visit the Tower & take some pictures for me because despite spending 7 days in London I never made into the Tower. The lines were always about 4 hours long. I bought a $10 guide book instead.

    Amelia looks so thoughtful

  13. On May 31st, 2009 at 1:16 pm Jenn Says:

    I could bring over my littles and we’d be part of the way to one of those men-less communes. Nothing but women, children and dogs as far as the eye can see!

  14. On May 31st, 2009 at 1:37 pm Sue Says:

    Your kids ar gorgeous, and that picture of you is just adorable!

  15. On May 31st, 2009 at 1:38 pm Laura Says:

    Love the Lake District.
    Love London.
    Did eat Sushi while over in Europe.
    I was desperate at the time and paid for later.
    There are tons of of pub crawls under the titles of “London ghost tours” and “London Historical tour”…they’re awesome
    Your children are gorgeous and I can’t believer Ben begs to change diapers!

  16. On May 31st, 2009 at 3:22 pm Mrs M Says:

    I love London & as it’s only a few hours drive from here , we do visit a couple of times a year. Yes the food is mostly terrible (it’s not like that everywhere in the UK – honest) and the pubs are amazing, if you don’t get too trolley’d you may even remember them the next day!
    Your kids are gorgeous!

  17. On May 31st, 2009 at 2:22 pm Coco Says:

    I’m totally your new husband until the Daver gets back. Just don’t tell him I borrowed his undies.

    I have no advice for him because I’ve never been to London, but I have lived in Australia, and all I can say in regards to Vegemite/Marmite is: who the FUCK thought this was ever a good idea? Really? To EAT? Dudes. It smells awful and tastes like something off the bottom of my shoe. But it caught on. Go figure.

    Now, my husband lived in England for a year or two and all he remembers is going to pubs. Apparently there are some really good, kick-ass strong beers there, which I think help block out the food.

    Also? I love the kid pictures extremely muchly. I always love them, but these were superior in their ability to make me choke up.

  18. On May 31st, 2009 at 3:05 pm deb Says:

    My husband was in Germany a few years ago for business and all he remembers is how well the beer flowed. Let’s just say, we don’t discuss his trip very much. But he did come back with a nice “Sites of Germany” coffee table book for me. Why yes, I did fling it at him. Thanks for asking. The Douchebag.

  19. On May 31st, 2009 at 4:21 pm Lindsay Says:

    We will be here. And excited about all the millions of posts you will do because of the lonliness. Love the idea of the yellow sweatshirts cruising all over London. Its no wonder they think we are ugly Americans.

  20. On May 31st, 2009 at 3:37 pm Thomas Says:

    You know what else is scary about the English? They eat chips (fries) and curry together! Oh.. .and warm beer…. /bleh!

  21. On May 31st, 2009 at 3:46 pm Hope Says:

    A quart or liter of duty free alcohol would be a nice gift.

  22. On May 31st, 2009 at 6:03 pm Westcoast Weirdo Says:

    I’m going to have to google both ‘Mites’ to know wtf they are…

  23. On May 31st, 2009 at 5:55 pm Jenn Says:

    I will totally be your husband. I’d be a better husband than a wife anyway, seriously. I would be hateful jealous if Kent was going to London without me. Unless he took the kids along. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  24. On May 31st, 2009 at 7:29 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I would offer to be your internet husband, but unfortunately the realization that when you were 14 and traipsing around London I was getting stoned in university makes me feel like Uncle Pervy.

  25. On May 31st, 2009 at 6:43 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Ay, yi, yi! You were ONLY 14 in 1995! I need to fall on my sword.

  26. On May 31st, 2009 at 7:13 pm Amy Says:

    I think I’m in love with all of your kids. And the lady from London that said half of the people in her house would rather eat their own vomit than Marmite. I think I’m just hormonal and in a love-y mood. ๐Ÿ™‚

  27. On May 31st, 2009 at 8:36 pm Stacie Says:

    So sorry your lonely. Even more sorry your dealing with 3 kids and diarrhea all by yourself becauase that really sucks. Tell you what, I’ll be your husband this week if you be my husband in June when Joe goes to Daytona for a week.

  28. On May 31st, 2009 at 8:54 pm Lisa Says:

    Stike while the iron is hot, dudette! Now is the time to do all the stuff you want to do that perhaps hubby does not. Eat YOUR favorite take-out, spruce up the house (what hubby likes to spend on that stuff), get a babysitter and have some fun girlfriend time, throw out (ahem) I mean DONATE all the Daver’s yucky guy clutter! Similarly, you can also NOT do lots of stuff hubbies like, including shaving your legs!!! Put those kids to bed early, get your favorite ice cream and CONTROL THE REMOTE!!!

    Ok, so after two days of the above, you will be ready for the Daver to come back…

  29. On May 31st, 2009 at 9:14 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    You and that mysterious teenage boy in the above photo made me want to call that photo “Jack and Rose aboard the exciting new ship, the Titanic!”

    I never get to go anywhere exciting, least of all London. I mean, I’m pretty sure Missouri doesn’t count.

    No offense, Missouri…

    (sweet heaven! the children! the children!)

  30. On May 31st, 2009 at 9:40 pm giggleblue Says:

    let me just tell you i had to go on a hiatus because of that situation with alex. you know how i feel about skin ailments! a warning could have been made before the mention of that S word. i had to shriek away from the computer! but, his eye does look to be dong better!

    and that amelia is a cutie! wow! she’s sooo freakin adorable. and i think my partner loves to change diapers too – oh, wait. no she doesn’t. i just pass the baby to her when i know there is a surprise inside! nothin like a fun filled diaper to really just add spark to your day.

    i’m sorry the dave is gone! i hope he comes back quickly and safely! in the meantime, kiss that baby amelia for me – not one of those wet sloppy kisses you like to get her. a good peck on the cheek will be perfect. thanxs!

  31. On May 31st, 2009 at 10:32 pm Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    Meh, Vegemite is da bomb.

    Now Dr Pepper, THAT tastes like medicine… what is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

  32. On June 1st, 2009 at 2:00 am 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why Says:

    I feel you – Hubs has been in Georgia since March, and will be until mid-July. I hope the Daver isn’t going for that sort of a stay. It took me about 2-3 weeks to adjust to him being gone, and now I’m starting to worry about the adjustments we’ll both have to make when he gets back!
    Also? 14 in 1995? I feel a bit old. The fact that only one other person saw fit to comment on that making you young? I feel very old. Now you kids get off my lawn!

  33. On June 1st, 2009 at 4:57 am eden Says:

    Aha … Dave being half-Australian makes perfect sense, considering that name is ve-ry Australian. My husbands name? Dave. We are? Australian. Vegemite? Fucking awesome, I grew up on it. My sons love it too. Funny thing is, I KNOW it smells like shit.

    Marmite? That’s just plain NASTY. Like, Bonox or some shit.

  34. On June 1st, 2009 at 7:01 am The Boss Says:

    Becky, I will TOTALLY be your husband! If you need anything, we’re only an email away.

  35. On June 1st, 2009 at 6:40 am Eva Says:

    Just think of all the farting in bed you can do, though!

  36. On June 1st, 2009 at 7:43 am Lola Says:

    Well, okay, for you I’ll strap one on and poke you in the back with it while you clean the kitchen after serving me a nice, hot meal and pouring me some whiskey so I can go lay on the couch and play with my “balls” while I watch fishing shows.

    Sound like a plan?

  37. On June 1st, 2009 at 8:59 am SCY Says:

    I’ll be your husband Aunt Becky! Anyday! AND lurve the retro 80’s pic – hawtness!!!


  38. On June 1st, 2009 at 8:27 am Mimi Says:

    I will happily sub in for your hubby, minus the sex. Because that would just be too complicated. And TH once left me to go to London for work, and would call me to tell me how inefficient British “barristers” are (TH is a lawyer). And that the food sucks. But I was still jealous.

  39. On June 1st, 2009 at 8:32 am Kristine Says:

    I’ll totally be your husband.

  40. On June 1st, 2009 at 8:36 am Susan Says:

    Sorry you are lonely. I would pay you to take mine for a while, but you would give him back.

  41. On June 1st, 2009 at 9:46 am ryanandjoesmom Says:

    could i just be your affair and not your husband? not feeling in the committing mood these days and that way we both win.

    your kids are adorable! i am sending ryan your way so ben can teach him that changing diapers of the youngest sibling is not too tough. when did amelia get so old? good god, wasn’t she just born yesterday?

  42. On June 1st, 2009 at 9:38 am zelzee Says:

    He will miss you so much!

    The kids are beautiful!!!! I just want to give them a hug and kiss.

    Be your husband? Aunt Becky, I would have to be your grandpa…..

  43. On June 1st, 2009 at 10:44 am Nancy Says:

    Your kids are beautiful. Hope the Daver brings you back something cool!

  44. On June 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm jessiee Says:

    I’m pretty sure, if my math skills avail me properly (and it was a long, long time ago) that you were BORN the year before I graduated from high school.

    Fuck me.

    Cute pictures, though.

  45. On June 1st, 2009 at 12:58 pm lady lemon Says:

    My soul twin, yes I will be your husby (as the Brit’s say) in the absence on the Daver! I too have been to Europe a wopping TWO times. British food is lacking and this is coming from someone – brace yourself here – who LOVES Marmite!

    The key is you’ve got to eat in on toast. With lots of butter. What isn’t good on toast with lots of butter? Wait, don’t answer that.

    Also, Amelia is the prettiest baby EVER!

  46. On June 1st, 2009 at 2:15 pm Meghan Says:

    I too luv your kids, I’ll mail you mine sos that you can take cute pics of them sos I can luv them online too;) Right now I’m gonna mail them to Newfoundland to live with Granny…it’s not even snowing there today:(

  47. On June 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm Suzy Says:

    Is marmite the same as vegemite? Because vegemite is so fucking disgustng. My French teacher in high school brought some in one day. Gag.

    I’ll be your husband, what do I have to do? Does Daver clean a lot? Because that probably won’t work out. If he likes to sit around and watch TV and eat food that someone else has prepared, I’m your girl-man.

  48. On June 1st, 2009 at 3:08 pm Miss Grace Says:

    You’re so CUTE! And your kiddies are cute too! But 14-year-old aunt Beckey, all young and innocent and dark lipstick. I love it!

  49. On June 1st, 2009 at 4:37 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    Your husband didn’t say anything about taking the train to Hogwarts, did he?

  50. On June 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm Sunny Says:

    You had me at “bitches and their fat asses.”

  51. On June 1st, 2009 at 4:57 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Can I be your mistress?

    I hope the time goes quickly for you, the kiddos look adorable, and no, I can NOT believe that Amelia’s old enough for the exersaucer.

  52. On June 1st, 2009 at 5:24 pm wishing4one Says:

    Your kids are waaaay too adorable and the pics are awesome. Becky at 14, LOL, how cute were u? I did not realize how young you are!!! That mite shit is nasty nasty. I just smelt it once at a British friends house,!

  53. On June 1st, 2009 at 5:50 pm shannon Says:

    You are too funny!

    Probiotics and yogurt for the diarrhea. No wipes, paper towels. And Triple Paste.

  54. On June 1st, 2009 at 7:57 pm mumma boo Says:

    Wait – did you write something? I can’t see beyond those gorgeous photos. I just want to squeeze all of you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  55. On June 1st, 2009 at 9:36 pm Emily R Says:

    Tell him the Sir John Soane Museum and the Jack the Ripper Tour (make sure he does this one

  56. On June 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 am baseballmom Says:

    Awwwe-your kids are sooo cute. Okay, I was 14 in 1982-that means I am OLD compared to you…damn. I looove when Coach is gone-we can do stuff like eat cereal or eggs for dinner, and I can sleep diagonally in the bed with the dogs and kids. Also, definitely give your boy some yogurt like someone above said-totally works. I also used yeast cream and a&d to keep the rash away. Amelia looks so wise in that pic-I love it!

  57. On June 2nd, 2009 at 7:13 am Jen Says:

    I love all of the pictures in this post.
    Adorable Becky. Adorable kids.

  58. On June 2nd, 2009 at 8:58 am tryingin2007 Says:

    I used to live in london town and I poured lager and guinness at a pub. I also drank lager and guinness at other pubs so my memory is shot. jolly good times no doubt.

    you have some beautiful children!

  59. On June 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 am heather Says:

    Buy yourself something off the internet that came from London, and tell Daver that your “other” boyfriend got it for you while he was there. But only if he comes out with the half eaten can of Altoids.

  60. On June 2nd, 2009 at 10:16 am Badass Geek Says:

    Of course I will. Why did you take so long to ask?

  61. On June 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm Betts Says:

    Sorry, I can’t be your husband cause I’m going to London with The Daver… purely platonically of course. And I promise I’ll bring you back something really cool. Shit! My passport expired last month. Guess you’re stuck with the Altoids.

  62. On June 2nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm Emilie Says:

    I checked out your site from the blogger awards and liked it. I voted for you. I hope you win.

    Please check out my site nominated for the best blog design. I hope you will vote for me also. Thanks!

  63. On June 2nd, 2009 at 10:22 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    you were FOURTEEN in 1995?

    now I’m feeling old…

  64. On June 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm Fiddle1 Says:

    The kiddos are looking as cute as ever. I really want to kiss Mimi’s juicy neck.

  65. On June 4th, 2009 at 3:55 am Jessi Louise Says:

    Hey, he’s going to be in our neck of the woods! Lots to see in London so he should be just fine and I’ve also eaten a lot of good food there too, plenty of choices. I haven’t tried Marmite, but the commercials always leave me wondering…they show half the people gagging and reviled and the other half loving it. Hope he has a good time and that the kids aren’t too hard on you while he’s gone!

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