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Lollapalooza Day One: Is Ozzy Alive?


“Do you think Ozzy is alive?” Dawn asked as we made our way to the Black Sabbath stage on Day One of Lollapalooza, trying to distract me from the guy wearing a skin shirt.

“Nah, he’s probably been propped up like the guy in Weekend at Bernies, or shuffling around backstage yelling, ‘SHAARRROOOON.’ I mean, it’s Ozzy, right?” I replied.

“Do you think they’ll be okay to play a full 2 hours? That’s a long time for an old man,” Dawn suggested.

“Shit,” I said. “How old IS he?” I asked.

“2,084,” Dawn said smartly.

“Well, I think staying here to see Black Sabbath one last time is important – yeah, the Black Keys are awesome and all, but let’s be realistic: Ozzy won’t be around for another tour,” Dawn brought up a very good point.

“Yup,” I agreed, neatly avoided the stray beer cans left on the ground, which, I’ll confess – I wanted to pick up and recycle.

We stood; a moment of silence for Ozzy, before finishing our walk to the stage.

Surrounded by metal heads again, I felt right at home.

I even found a boyfriend:

Lollapalooza Day One Is Ozzy Alive.

Stand back ladies (and gents), he’s taken. BY ME.

Finally, the Prince of Motherfucking Darkness took the stage:

Lollapalloza Day One - Is Ozzy Alive

He looked good … for a dead guy. I noticed then that my feet, well, the flippy-flops I’d carefully selected (read: thrown on in seconds before walking out the door), they’d begun to…hurt. And not in a “oh that’s cute” kind of way: more like in a FUCK MOTHERFUCKER PAY ATTENTION TO ME sorta way. Standing didn’t help, but after watching the chick in front of me vomit onto the lawn only to have some guy then take her spot and PUT HIS HEAD IN HER VOM, I realized that I was better off standing than not.

Vomit – or the threat of sitting in vomit – does that to a girl.

And then, THEN true love began:

Really, I’d like to moan about my blisters, but that guy leaves me speechless.




Because I bet THAT guy has the joy, joy, joy, joy down in his heart. Or is very intoxicated – hard to tell the difference.

23 Comments to

“Lollapalooza Day One: Is Ozzy Alive?”

  1. On August 7th, 2012 at 3:57 pm Maria Says:

    You win. This is the king of Forever Boyfriends. Hands down, nothing beats him. I can’t even begin to describe it.

  2. On August 7th, 2012 at 3:59 pm Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd Says:

    Who wouldn’t want to have that up theirs.

  3. On August 8th, 2012 at 3:07 am Devan Says:


  4. On August 7th, 2012 at 4:01 pm Says:

    I am waiting for someone to comment, “Oh my god, that is XXXX the lead guitarists from XXXX, the most popular band on earth.” Ha!

  5. On August 7th, 2012 at 4:03 pm cindy w Says:

    You need to get impregnated by him, like, IMMEDIATELY.

  6. On August 7th, 2012 at 4:17 pm Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice Says:

    Rock on man — totally dig the knee brace (means he prepped for his wicked dancing and that we’re getting freaking old).

    And Ozzy is on the Keith Richards plan — they are only still alive because all the drugs killed most of the cells (and replaced them with formaldehyde) in their bodies years ago.

  7. On August 7th, 2012 at 4:26 pm Grace Says:

    Wow. Just wow. If you decide you don’t want him after all, send him my way! I feel an intense need to chain him up in my basement.

  8. On August 7th, 2012 at 4:57 pm KaraB Says:

    The air guitar, the spinning! You are truly one lucky gal! I think I speak for all of us when I say I am jealous!

  9. On August 7th, 2012 at 5:29 pm sashalyn Says:

    I will fight you for him.

  10. On August 7th, 2012 at 5:43 pm CycleNinja Says:

    I’ll fight YOU for HIM.

  11. On August 7th, 2012 at 6:26 pm Triplezmom Says:

    Obviously he’s drunk on his own awesomeness. Also? I will fight you for him.

  12. On August 7th, 2012 at 9:01 pm FFW Says:

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

    THANK GOD THERE WAS NO YOUTUBE when I was in college.

  13. On August 8th, 2012 at 7:32 am Angie R Says:

    Oh, sweet jeebus. I’m gonna have nightmares about that thought.

  14. On August 7th, 2012 at 9:20 pm Valerie Says:

    Wow. Just wow. All this talk of vomit and the guy twirling in circles is making me kinda nauseous. Don’t bring that one home.

  15. On August 7th, 2012 at 10:18 pm Joules Says:

    My favorite part is Dawn’s knowing grin as she slowly moves out of frame to allow the dancer center stage.

  16. On August 7th, 2012 at 11:18 pm ABK Says:

    ugh! so jealous ;). im meeting my future hubby in seattle next month ( yes, he will leave his model wife for a cop…lmfao) glad u had fun 🙂

  17. On August 7th, 2012 at 11:29 pm Sam Says:

    I think my favorite is how he switches from air guitar to air drums to just hopping around like he’s having some sort of violent seizure. He is one sexy piece of man ladies! Also, I think we can all agree that his black bandana compliments his dingy white ankle socks and black non-skid shoes perfectly. Who doesn’t like a man that can accessorize right?

  18. On August 8th, 2012 at 12:01 am Lianne Marie Mease Says:

    That guy dances like a guy in my swimming pool swims.
    He starts at the top of the pool andpirouettes down the entire length of it, smacking relentlessly into people and making a strange keening sound whilst he does it. I’m a little bit in love with him.

  19. On August 8th, 2012 at 3:06 am Devan Says:

    Ok, I was more than a little bit uncomfortable watching that.
    Also? I will fight you for him. LOL.

  20. On August 8th, 2012 at 5:46 am Jolie Says:

    He’s on the crazy train, with awesomeness oozing, nay, GUSHING from his pores.

  21. On August 9th, 2012 at 9:17 am stephgas Says:

    which is OBVIOUSLY why he had to ventilate his tee shirt by putting all those holes in it. of course, tucking it was absofuckinglutely necessary.

  22. On August 8th, 2012 at 7:35 am Angie R Says:

    I am absolutely stunned that he isn’t surrounded by a circle of screaming women, throwing their panties at him a la Tom Jones. (Yeah, OK, I’m a little older than one might think. Deal with it.) He seriously looks like a guy that we saw a while back at a Kansas/REO concert, except out guy was hopping through the crowd dancing with everyone. Including the guys, some of whom were not quite as amused as we were….

  23. On August 8th, 2012 at 1:42 pm Norma Says:

    I like the fact that he DIY-ed a tee shirt for the concert. Well-ventilated, for I am sure that sucker smells like B.O. and butt!! Lol! It’s always interesting people watching at concerts. Gotta love it!! ;-p

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