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Local Woman Claims “Only Thing Worse Than Having an iPhone 4S is NOT Having iPhone 4S”


St. Charles, IL – an area woman often known as “Aunt Becky,” although she is, at time of print, not an actual aunt to anyone at all, claims that “the only thing worse than having an iPhone 4S is not having an iPhone 4S.” Aunt Becky, more commonly known as Becky Sherrick Harks, makes it a point to state, “my last name is not hyphenated,” even without being asked, sits in her apartment drinking one of many diet Coke bottles lying her tiny apartment.

“It’s like this,” Harks states, “my iPhone couldn’t really make phone calls, which is why I got a landline,” and “It made me really mad at my iPhone.” Upon catching her breath she informs us that, “it was kinda a piece of shit, for an Apple product. I mean what fucking phone can’t make a call?” She then adds that while she was often frustrated by her “inability to use the ‘phone’ part of the iPhone 4S,” she did like to use it to play Angry Birds. “I mean,” says Harks, “the birds are so cute when they’re mad,” and when this writer agreed, she replied with, “Fucking-a, right” after offering a hot dog to the writer.

“It goes like this,” Harks said, getting visibly choked up. “I had this piece of shit phone that can’t make a fucking call to save itself, even though it says right on the box “PHONE.” I kept threatening the damn thing with a NOT-Smart phone, but those things don’t have those cute fucking angry birds on them.” She dabbed her eyes on her shirt and resumed, “but I didn’t really mean it. I mean, yeah, the damn thing couldn’t cure cancer, but I sorta kinda liked it, like a little bit.”

After a nasty battle between iPhone 4S and the washing machine, Harks knew it was the end of her iPhone. First, she cheered, “finally, I can get another phone!” then immediately lamented, “but I miss my iPhone 4S already.” When questioned regarding the duality of her statement, Harks simply stated, “Android sucks. Sure I couldn’t call anyone from my iPhone, but at least I could find Angry Birds without having to flip through 736 screens.” “Although,” she continued, “I do like that little monster guy icon. He’s pretty cute.”

Harks states that she will probably return to get another iPhone the moment her contract is up with her mobile carrier, even though she may be unable to use it to call for help if there is an actual emergency, unlike the previous 3,483 times Harks has called 911 when McDonald’s forgot to give her extra BBQ sauce.

When asked for comment, Sprint, her mobile carrier, simply stated, “That girl is a dumb bitch.”

The Android phone, in a rare moment of Smart Phone clarity, agreed.

9 Comments to

“Local Woman Claims “Only Thing Worse Than Having an iPhone 4S is NOT Having iPhone 4S””

  1. On August 15th, 2013 at 11:28 am cindy Says:

    Sprint is a shit-for-brains asshole.

  2. On August 15th, 2013 at 11:29 am Andrea Says:

    This made me giggle. Maybe a little too much?

    Nah. Never. 😉

  3. On August 15th, 2013 at 1:45 pm Triplezmom Says:

    I snorted out loud over this. Possibly it’s funnier because I have a 4s and while I can make calls on it, I cannot get calls on it. But I love it anyway – it’s not like I enjoy answering the phone.

  4. On August 15th, 2013 at 2:29 pm Rachel Says:

    I’ve never had an iPhone… Somehow, though, I don’t feel like my life is lacking… Or perhaps it’s lacking so much that I don’t even know it. My service plan is up in a few months; maybe, just maybe I’ll jump on that bandwagon just to have something else in my life to complain about!

  5. On August 15th, 2013 at 5:20 pm stephgas Says:

    iphone > droid in so many ways. it doesn’t help that i’m a mac head. well, actually it does. because it means my macbook pro, ipad, and iphone all play very nicely together. so nicely that they don’t always include me.

  6. On August 15th, 2013 at 9:55 pm Lovelyn Says:

    This was very funny. I think Aunt Becky might have outdone herself.

    I still don’t have a smartphone. I’m one of those people you stop on the street and ask to take a picture of you with your iPhone and I have no idea what to do. I keep saying one day I’ll join this decade and get one, but I’m clumsy and those things are expensive to replace.

  7. On August 17th, 2013 at 3:35 am Janis Says:

    I’ve had my iPhone 4S for six months and am still learning how to use it (I’m kinda slow in regards to tech things); I’d probably still have my “dumb phone,” but after six years, the battery was beginning to fail. I have attributed any call-making or receiving problems to the fact that we have Sprint; my friends who have Verizon don’t seem to have those problems.

  8. On August 17th, 2013 at 2:45 pm melanie Says:

    You can keep your iphone, I love my galaxy and its big ol screen and even though I heart my mac computer, I thought using the iphone wasn’t as user friendly as the galaxy. Ill probably skip the ipad and get the galaxy version of that as well.

  9. On September 2nd, 2013 at 7:07 am alexisAR (you can call me Al) Says:

    she used to be MY aunt.

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