Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride



I’m not the kind of person who likes to have Master Plans. It’s not that I don’t like a good plan, I just know whenever I shake my fist at the sky and say, “I *will* do (insert action item here),” The Universe laughs, pats my head condescendingly, and says, “Isn’t THAT special.” Come to think of it, The Universe sounds a lot like the Church Lady from the old SNL skit, which is neither here nor there.

Because my plans so rarely work out as according to, well, my plans, I’m used to shrugging my shoulders, cursing a little, and saying dramatically, “Come what may,” or, to be honest, it’s more like, “whateves.”

Instead, I grit my teeth, throw shit at the wall, and see what sticks. And I wonder how I broke two teeth in the span of six months. Here I was thinking it was “stress,” but we all know it was the rocks I’ve been gargling.

Wait, what?


Or, I should say, EVENTUALLY moving on, because really, that’s what Life in Limbo means: you duck, cover, and hope that this time, you’re the pigeon and NOT the statue, and tell yourself that if you’re the statue, that pigeon shit on your head makes a LOVELY accessory, isn’t THAT special?

I’d been planning to move into my shoebox apartment, of which I am extremely proud because it’s MY awesome dorm room, October 13. I’d figured that giving myself the opportunity to find things like oh, JOBS and DRINKING glasses might be good, because, hey, drinking water from champagne glasses sounds a lot more refined in theory than in practice. Kinda – but not really – like communism.

I’d slowly begun packing my things, realizing that I’d been in FAR too many weddings, what with the sheer number of black high heeled shoes I own, labeling them all “fragile” (FRA-GEE-LAE) just to confuse myself later on, because hey, moving sucks – gotta get your kicks where you can. If I don’t own a magnificent leg lamp, the best I can do is pretend that one might be in one of the boxes I’ve packed.


I do not, in fact, own this. However, THAT DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T PRETEND.

Late last week, the apartment company called and told me the original apartment in which I was going to be moving into wasn’t going to be vacant any longer – blah, blah, blah owners staying blah blah blah – but that I’d be able to have another apartment. Did I still want to keep my move-in date October 13?

The answer was, of course, a resounding NO.

Not because it would be terrible to stay here a couple more weeks, not because I was quite ready to move, not that I actually owned glasses yet (SOON!), but because it was time. Living in my home, which I’d spent a hell of a lot of the past (counts on fingers) LOT of years, is just a reminder of what’s over. And while I may loathe goodbyes, it’s time for me to pack my happy ass up and move on down the road.

I told the apartment people I’d be ready to move by the end of September, because, well, I am. Days later, I’m still waiting to hear back if my NEW apartment will be ready by this time. I know apartment people are busy, and while I’ll usually use my patented, “stalk you until you tell me what I need to know – good or bad,” these are the people I’ll be renting from. As such, it’s probably a better idea NOT to piss them off or come across as “that crazy chick who calls every five minutes.”

So I wait. I pack, hoping I’m not going to be wearing the same outfit for the next 4 weeks, and I plan ahead, even while The Universe giggles in my direction.

While I wait, I play with this, which is pretty much window shopping for me (especially since they give away cool shit for free), while I wait.

And I research how to live on my own, how to cut costs, and what I can do to ensure that I don’t fall on my ass too hard. Learning how to live frugally? Kinda awesome.

posted under Free To Be You + Me
19 Comments to


  1. On September 19th, 2012 at 10:30 am @mommywantsvodka Says:

    Limboland. Mmmm… cheeseburgers. Wait, what?

  2. On September 19th, 2012 at 10:36 am Cindy Says:

    Who the hell wears a flower shaped nose ring?

  3. On September 19th, 2012 at 10:50 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I READ THAT TOO! I swear, that site is AWESOME. Window shopping FTW!

  4. On September 19th, 2012 at 10:38 am Cindy Says:

    Oh. It says free ROSE ring. Not nose ring.

  5. On September 19th, 2012 at 3:44 pm Pamela Palmer Says:

    You'll be awesome. Heck if I can do it so can you! And youve got youth on your side.

  6. On September 19th, 2012 at 3:50 pm Becky Sherrick Harks Says:

    I feel VERY old! But I can do it! We BOTH can do it!

  7. On September 19th, 2012 at 10:59 am Kizz Says:

    Oh you’re a better and smarter woman than I! The only think I like less than not having a plan is having a plan CHANGE in the middle. I’d have hung on to that move in date with my fingernails.

    Your way is better.

  8. On September 19th, 2012 at 2:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Hahaha. I don’t know if it is. I’m STILL not sure when I’m moving and OMG what if I have to wear these clothes for the next 4 weeks?

  9. On September 20th, 2012 at 4:51 am Devan Says:

    See, I dont mind if the plan has to change….I just have to start out with a plan. After that….whateves.

  10. On September 19th, 2012 at 12:53 pm Grace Says:

    Glasses and pretty sparkly things will be there soon – now that I’m not drowning in “Oh crap. I have to get stuff out of that other house like a month ago!”

  11. On September 19th, 2012 at 2:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I’m so happy!

  12. On September 19th, 2012 at 2:25 pm roxie Says:

    You might want to look into the new place before agreeing to move in. You know, to make sure it’s not a janitor’s closet. Or boiler room. Or vomitorium. Just sayin’.

  13. On September 19th, 2012 at 2:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    But what about a masturbatorium?

  14. On September 19th, 2012 at 2:57 pm Ewokmama Says:

    At least limbo is exercise? Right? 😉

  15. On September 19th, 2012 at 3:04 pm Linda Sand Says:

    Here’s the best help I can give you:

  16. On September 19th, 2012 at 5:17 pm Joules Says:

    I’ll call for you. That would not be at all awkward. Although it may make you seem even more mysterious and desirable to have a lady stalker inquiring after your move-in date. Do they give rental discounts for being more mysterious and desirable?

  17. On September 19th, 2012 at 9:06 pm @mommywantsvodka Says:

    The video is totally the best part: SEAN PENN WITH A MULLET Y’ALL.

  18. On September 19th, 2012 at 9:12 pm habanerogal Says:

    Just hope they don’t watch My Name is Earl and put you in the laundromat.

  19. On September 21st, 2012 at 3:12 pm Triplezmom Says:

    What Roxie said. Also, I hate not having a plan and then I hate it when the plan doesn’t work and then I cry. So you’re already do way better than I could be.

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