Like That Guy That Rose From The Dead, Only Less…Uh…Creepy
Sadly, this is not a post announcing the return of my whore pants. I DID, however, get a mass email from Target announcing that they have “mean” pants, which means that Target is copying me. Because whore pants is ALMOST mean pants.
What can MEAN pants do, anyway? Like, taunt you for being a size 12? Change sizes drastically from one day to the next, making you feel like you’ve gained 20 pounds? Openly tell people how much you weigh?
Or perhaps, have a gigantic hole in the crotch that you don’t notice for most of the day because you’re very, very smart. Not that *ahem* I would know anything about that.
Really, the possibilities are endless.
ANYWAY.
Back in 2004, my boyfriend, The Daver got tired of hearing me flap my flapptity-flap jaw and started saying things like, “wow, you’re a GOOD writer. You should start a BLOG!” When I was done punching him in the throat for insulting me, I asked him what a blog was. It sounded like VD to me.
He’s all, “it’s an online journal!” which made me think of creepy people who lived in their parents basements and were afraid of sunlight. Then he showed me a couple, and I was like, “O.M.G. They’re written by creepy people that live in the dark!”
My friend Pashmina and I clicked around the very few blogs we knew for awhile, laughing at
the
bad poetry that
made thine hearts
oh!
our hearts!!
smell like poo.
the occasional report of what someone ate for lunch (kung pao chicken is soooooo good!!!!!!) always punctuated by multiple exclamation points, for added emphasis, of course, and the Jane Austin quotes:
“To sit in the shade on a fine day and look upon verdure is the most perfect refreshment.”
And we laughed. Because honestly, that just wasn’t my scene. I couldn’t believe that a) Daver thought I was a writer, and 2) he thought the world needed to read MORE regurgitated quotes from crazy cat ladies.
(I don’t like Jane Austen).
I mean, okay, Pashmina was an English major, but the most writing I’d done was for REAL research papers.
But then we came up with a most brilliant plan. We’d start a blog. An ANTI-Blog. A blog that NO ONE in their right mind would write! Oh yes, yes, we would.
And so, Mushroom Printing was born. The first entry, I think, was about shaving the vagina. I don’t remember whose, but it doesn’t matter, because that’s the sort of stuff we wrote about. 2 girls, 1 blog, being crass, making you laugh.
We kept it until 2007, when my second son was born, and then I needed another space to talk about my crotch parasites. That’s when I started Mommy Wants Vodka. I never really meant to let Mushroom Printing go, but it just happened. We outgrew it, and then shut it down. I imported (and heavily edited) my old posts, and said goodbye.
Yesterday, I got an email from the hosting company where I’d initially registered mushroomprinting.com asking me to update my records. I’d completely forgotten registering it back in 2005, but apparently I own it until November.
I sat around yesterday, imagining Mr. Pinchy, my fake monkey butler, and I stealing a Jeep and driving around, whipping donuts at kids with silly droopy hair, and then it dawned on me: I needed a new project. Something else to do.
What better to do than bring back something I always missed: Mushroom Printing. Probably the best blog name my feeble mind could come up with (it’s WAY better than Mommy Wants Vodka) but with a new concept.
Mushroom Printing as a group blog.
Finally, I’m getting my ass moving on putting together that group blog. Because what better to do than put together a place where we can all go to post about people, places, and things who need a big, fat, mushroom print?
The world is full of douchebags. Thanks to the social code, we can’t always call people out on their douchetastic behavior. Now, we can finally let it out.
To be clear: I don’t want this to be a slam site. Like, “I hate Dooce/Aunt Becky because she smells” or anything, because, Your Aunt Becky is bitchy, but she likes other bloggers and she’s not going to run a hate site. Period.
So, this site will be for OTHER things. The asshole in the parking lot that clipped the mirror off your car. Your mother-in-law. Your whore pants. Whatever.
But I don’t have the site quite up and ready yet. I’ll be working on it for the next couple of days. Now I need YOUR input as to what would make this site awesome and something you’d want to use. This is what I have so far:
1) Anyone can post, but they have to register first.
2) All posts will go into a queue before they go live to be edited and moderated. Because I don’t want anyone being a TOTAL asshole on it.
3) It doesn’t HAVE to be a smack down.
4) I have a Twitter account set up and I figure I’ll just RT stuff you tweet to it from there.
5) I’m going to get someone to design a masthead and button for it so you can be all, “I GOT MUSHROOM PRINTED.”
6) Imma to make a sister site to it for all the awesome stuff you find. Because obviously.
Okay, Pranksters, what else? Please, let me know. What would you want in a site like this. Besides, of course, my whore pants.
—————
Because I am not smart, I TOTALLY forgot to announce my Girls I’d Hump post yesterday at Toy With Me. DUH.
I’ve never been more thrilled/excited/this is fucking awesome b/c I so need a site like this but also, I’m like, “What the fuck is a mushroom print?” and am i just lame for not getting it because I’m a new reader or just lame in general.
Please advise me on my lameness.
It’s uh, a very rude way of smacking someone in the face. With a weenis.
Possibly a user rating function to allow your registered peeps to promote the posts they dig? Then have a featured post each week?
Also ponies. And glitter. And Justin Timberlake. Then I would never, ever leave.
Sweet! Mushroom me!
oh sweet jesus. now i want to read about this vaginal shaving. no really. there was an incident not long ago…it’s hard to talk about…
Great idea Aunt Becky, will surely be there!
I love that idea. Voting for who deserves a mushroom print that day.
That said, I am going to sit back and enjoy the posts from people who dont know what they are today.
Fun!!! I like the voting idea, too.
Also in the lame “had to look it up” category but I’m not with it today anyway, whatever.
Wow….I didn’t know what a mushroom print was either…and now I consider myself educated…and feel a little dirty at the same time.
How does your husband feel about you asking for mushroom pants?
What a great idea! Some of my comments on your site are practically as long as a blog anyway. How did you find out about “mushroom printing”?
Someone told me what a “mushroom print” was and I was like, “huh?” And then they explained it and I was like, “huh?” And then it dawned on me. Then I thought it was the most BRILLIANT term ever.
I’ve seen web sites where you can upload your picture and then see yourself as a zombie. (All right, I’ve done it, also as a manga character, better than my real pic). In case anyone wants to see themselves with a mushroom print.
Yay, fun! I totally am in love with this idea both for the venting and the reading. I have a feeling there will be a bunch o’ posts a day!!!!! I’m happy to volunteer as a junior editor/screener should this grow to be a monster…
Have you seen http://notalwaysright.com? It’s about dumbass customers. I love that site, it always makes me laugh.
Now that my mom is on Facebook & it;s only a matter of weeks before she discovers my blog (linked to my Facebook account but mom is leary of clicking on links, eventually some photo or other on a post will make her click it & then I am lost forever) I really need a place to say things I wouldn’t necessarily want mom to read, like obscenities & sex.
*mah fingers are itcheh*
THIS IS AWESOME!!! I can’t wait to post quippy stories of daily douchebaggery! It’ll be like a giant fucking SLUMBER PARTY!! All us girlies telling awesome funny stories and snarking on people we don’t know and painting each other’s toenails and engaging in homo-erotic behavior and.. um..
Uh.
What a good idea, Aunt Becky. I shall look forward to the implementation of your new shared blog so that I may share my anecdotes and read those of others.
Can I create a category? (I’m totally stealing this from a friend, but she’s cool like that).
Carpool Douchbaggery-for those people who need to be called out in the carpool lane at school (or anywhere else for that matter). You know the ones-the ones with inappropriate stickers on their car at elementary school (really, you thought a sticker giving the finger was cool for your kids to see?) or the people who can’t seem to understand where to park or how to not block the traffic?
once again Aunt Becky that idea is full of The Awesome! Cannot wait to see the final product!!
I’m still totally convinced that our pants ran off together for a two-week fuck-fest on some deserted island. The only thing is that MY pants came back. YOURS did not.
Um, mushroom printing? Yes please!
I’m totally in! That sounds so awesome. Now I have another place, where I can bitch about my mom and other crap that I don’t always write about on my main blog. Woohoo!
How about a photo section? Sometimes pictures are worth a thousand words. Aunt Becky can sort out the best ones worth posting.
Oh I am sooo in.
You could have little tabs for different types of douchebaggery.
Like a section for little douchebgs (button mushrooms) or big douchebags (portobellos)!
send me the link!!
I love, love, love it. I got a TON of random, useless, snarky(kinda hate that word), bitchy, assholary to put somewhere. Plus I need the editing you mentioned cause sometimes I get to carried away and leave important shit out like periods and commas.
I wanna get shroomed.
I’m all over this idea! And I second the volunteerism for editing/screening/being a bouncer. . .because I was TOTALLY the editor of a weekly entertainment magazine before. . .well, I got fired. That’s a long story, though, and has nothing to do with my mad editing skillz.
But yes. This idea is made of awesome sauce.
Oooh…I have about a zillion posts about my in-laws that I can’t write because my husband reads my blog! Finally! An outlet!
Also, you could encourage people to spread the word about things they really like – not paid/promotional endorsements. Just free tips like ‘I LOVE this park because it’s generally shady, the people are nice, and there is no dog poop.’ Or, the best PopTart flavor is Chocolate Vanilla Creme (because it is, and you can never find it any more).
I am SO getting my Jane Austen quotes ready right now.
What, that’s not the point?!
Unfortunately my brains have been sucked out by the office monsters today so I have nothing to add at this point though I am loving all the suggestions thus far! This is going to come in handy for sure.
Very cool idea! Can I slam my ex husband or stepmom?!? I’d be on that site everyday if you say yes. hahaha
The posts about in-laws alone will kill the server. And ex-husbands. Oh my word, this is going to be sw-eet!
dick stamps = solid gold. looking forward immensely.
Awe. Some. I like the idea of clicking something if you like it.. but I don’t like it being a contest. Cause then I won’t enter because I’ll never win. Then it’d be no fun for me. Cause, you know, it’s all about me.
Sounds pretty awesome. I love the idea and can’t wait to be a part of it, because with school starting, I’m sure I’ll be able to write a slam letter about various …things that happen throughout my daughter’s kindergarten year and throughout Joey’s pre-school year.
Now I’ve got to know what the hell mean pants are.
I think moderating the blog posts is a very good idea. But what do you do with the posts you get that just SUCK ASS? Are you going to post them anyway just to be fair or are you going to omit the suck ass posts and only print the good ones? The reason I ask is I guest posted on a site called LOL and I followed the blog/subscribed to it in my reader…still do, but I realized after a few weeks that they let just any old body post and alot of what was posted that was supposed to be funny kind of sucked. Which totally made me think mine probably did too and they just let me in like they do everybody else. If you do it, it should be, to quote you, “full of the awesome”. Ppl will expect any blog you do to be badass and worth reading. I would give yourself editorial license to NOT publish certain posts. That’s just my opinion. You don’t have to notify anybody that their post sucked and isn’t getting posted, but just like they do over at Aiming Low, they have contributors/select contributors. You are opening yours up alot WIDER, I understand that. I think it will be very badass. :)My husband started talking to me and I totally had to quit typing. I almost hit the send key before I was finished. I hate when ppl talk to me when I got my typing flow going. Grrrr.
No, they will be moderated and edited and anything that’s not worthwhile will be tossed. Sure, we all have rants, but at the same time, not everything is entertaining. It will be a line between entertaining and not. Some stuff may be edited to be better. Some stuff may be tossed. Does that make sense?
Another cool thing would be if you have ‘comment luv’ in your blog post comment section that shows the commentors own last blog post link. I have found alot of cool blogs that way.
Added it. Didn’t even realize that you COULD with WP. Also added it here.
I love this. There are so many people that I need to vent about their douchebaggieness it’s unbelievable. Yesterday, I went off on my sister and sent her a text that went something like this….
That Todd guy, is a douchebag, clown dick, ass clown, who needs to have his face rearranged by a professional face rearranger. If the douchebag ever sends me my MFing money, I’ll be paying the face rearranger to fuck him up.
I hate that guy. I don’t hate many people. I dislike some. But this Todd guy sucks big balls, is a fucking liar, a theif, and some other things. If anyone needed a mushroom print to the fucking forehead it is him. If I lived anywhere near him, he’d be afraid. I still think he should be.
Then my sister showed the text to my mom. I might be grounded. Can I be grounded at 36?
It wasn’t until I saw it was a link and then clicked on it that I realized mushroom printing is an actual thing and not just a weird saying.
Also? This sounds awesome.
And it should probably have rainbows.
Or antler hats.
Or pie.
But definitely rainbows.
Fabulous idea! I so needed a site like that yesterday when my co-worker was telling literally everyone that passed near her, and several people who had the great misfortune to have called the office (including the Coca-Cola rep) about her kidney stones. And she left out no details at all…..
I’m with Peggy…I think you should feel free to withhold certain posts if they aren’t up to snuff. Because if it just gets bogged down with junk, people won’t go. But otherwise? You could quite possibly have a monster hit on your hands…maybe you could be the creator of the next LOL cats?
Okay, maybe we pranksters aren’t that interesting, but a girl can dream.
Yes. Peggy is right. Not everything will probably be published, unless it’s full of The Awesome. No rants about other bloggers. Nothing not worthy of being read. Nothing that won’t be entertaining in some way. Does that make sense?
Everything will be subject to moderation and editing. Which means I need editors. Heh.
I’ll be glad to help. Just say the word.
“The Word?” Email me, yo.
Oh yes. All I can pray for though, is that my work’s ISP won’t block it!
ps. I always heard it as Mushroom Stamping. My (now ex) boyfriend’s mom overheard us saying it once and decided to use the term however she saw fit, happily not knowing the real meaning. She knew it made us squirm so she said it all the time until we gave in and told her what it meant. Ditto for when she discovered “skeet skeet.” She saw a poster in my dorm that said, “to that skeet skeet hoe stole my sneakers while I was doing laundry…”
I wonder how I can keep it under the radar.
So far so good…. 🙂
I can’t wait for this!
this is so damn awesome. Because you know what? Sometimes I just can’t say what I REALLY need to on my blog. Because, you know, that’d be mean. Ah love it.
I think it’s a grand idea and will be quite popular. Who doesn’t like to talk trash about others?
By the way- I will find your pants for you if you find my fucking waistline for me. Deal? Okay.
wow…I feel you and I are a *lot* alike…..though our writing styles are completely different…but our topics are eerily similar.
…I’m just without the crotch parasites…
Brilliant idea! You can count on me!
Well, you can count on me to at least read it.
Ah- who are we kidding, I drink a gallon of haterade daily.
Now you HAVE to contribute!
Twist my frakking arm, why don’t you?
Dear Mushroomers,
I was co-erced into this because I’m a hateful person and I was (implicitly) threatened with starched-to-solid whorepants.
The End.
(Please send cookies.)
Kind of like Turkey Slap?
Thats wot we call it ere too – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Brother_Australia_2006
Pretty sure it was the end of days for that show…
How about a little girl power? Maybe Taco Print Tuesday? Equal oppty. Just sayin. . .
Dude. This is totally full of the awesome! You are like some sort of blogging superhero.
How about a section for horrible pictures. The opposite of all those great photogs out there, the worst pics instead. Photography’s Death Row.
OOH! Good call!
Now, uh, how do I make that a separate section, oh Photo Guru?
Maybe another page? Although I dunno if you can post directly to the page without just adding to it. So perhaps a new flikr group or a sub-blog. Or else you dedicate a day to bad pics. Shitty Image Shaturday.
Ooh, I like the photo section idea, and the mushroom rating system. Count me in for editing assistance, please.
Mean pants are like mean girls – they treat you like dirt and you wish they would turn whore and disappear.
Those bitch-ass mean pants with the hole in the crotch? Discover them on your late fall, midnight ride (after an 8 hour shift) home on your freaking motorbike.
New site sounds like fun. Whole hella lot of work, but fun.
LOVE IT!!!
No comment trolls. Those people are mean for no reason.
I am in, in, in! I emailed you.
You are like trying to get some WORLD DOMINATION going on and I am not happy. That is totally MY gig and you are stealing my thunder woman.
I guess I will just stick to being a girl you want to hump because I am TOTALLY on that list right? Right?
I am going to go over and check you know…
Woohoo! I am full of the hate and would have a place to safely store it! I can’t post too many “Imma gonna stab a bitch” posts in a row on my own blog for fear of scaring off all four of the fluffy bunnies and vestal virgins that read my site. So, sign me up, sistah. I got a list of fucktards that I need to call out.
If you promise to teach me more things like mushroom printing then I am so, so, so in.
At the moment I still have too much bile about the ex and his parents, that it wouldn’t be entertainment, just ranting.
But go on, maybe I’ll throw a comment in now and then 🙂
The name of the sister site should be Clam Slap.
OMFG, if I didn’t adore you already, this would’ve sealed the deal. HA!
Aunt Becky, I *love* this idea – awesome. I haven’t read through all of the comments (yeah, yeah, yeah: bite me), so I’m not sure if this has been mentioned, but I assume “registering” means no anonymous (read: coward-ass) contributors? The moderation sounds like an excellent idea.
Can there be T-shirts? “I got mushroom printed by Aunt Becky” Please?
What would I ever do without you? I was all “mushroom print? wha?” and then clicked the link and laughed and then realized that I think you spoke of that once before and I was all “mushroom print? huh?” and then clicked the link and laughed and then forgot.
I am totally in!!! I need a place to bitch about my in laws because my husband reads my blog making it impossible to do so there. My husband is sick of my little bitches so it would be nice to have a new audience to bitch with. Great idea woman.
What? I get to bitch and no one will tell me to STFU? I get to call out the assholes who seem to surround me? Sweet. I’m in. Of course, I don’t have time to write in my own blog, where I totally could bitch if I wanted to… but that’s okay. I think I might be funnier (maybe) if I think other people are actually reading it. 🙂
Obviously. That is all.
Awesome.
I am way too excited about the idea of reading other people’s random rants about the way that pumpkin seeds “magically” end up destroying the garbage disposal, even though I personally have never shelled a pumpkin seed and my husband swears it wasn’t him–I mean other people’s husbands, of course.
So, would you be able to post anonymously? I think it sounds awesome!
Oh yes. You’ll have to REGISTER as a real person because I am not about to let The Trolls win, but you can change your user name every time you post. Which? AWESOME.
I wish i had a penis for one day. Among many other activities, someone would definitely get a mushroom print to the face
I’ve done it, also as a manga character, better than my real pic). In case anyone wants to see themselves with a mushroom print. thanx for sharing.
I am so excited about this.
I’d gladly submit. It sounds like something Asshats & the Failure of Darwinism was made for…if you’ll have it.
Fuck yeah we will! BRING IT, MATTY!
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