Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Like Shrinky-Dinks, But Without The Dinks


4: approximate weeks until my cruise

12.8: times each day The Daver references my cruise by saying “well, I don’t know what I am going to DO without you for those 5 days!”

90: times a year that Dave mentions that he’d be “just fine” if left as a stay-at-home parent.

90: times I roll my eyes when he says that because brother, he’s talking out of his asshole.

0: times a day I plan to call and check in with him from the cruise to hear, “pant, pant, pant *crash* THESE KIDS ARE INSANE! PLEASE COME HOME, I WILL CALL THE COAST GUARD NOW.”

0: idea of where this cruise is going because frankly, big boat in the middle of the ocean where I can pee alone (but probably not IN the ocean)? Doesn’t matter where the hell we’re going.

7: bushes I pulled out yesterday (from a view that I didn’t even show you), thereby rendering me unable to move today without swearing wildly.

68: times my son has said, “OUCH, SHIT” when he moved, just repeating what I’ve said.

68: times I’ve wondered if I should probably cut out my tongue.

12,000,000: times I said, “I. Fucking. Hate. Bushes.” in my best Clint Eastwood voice, which, let’s be honest, isn’t very good.

87: times I cursed the previous, PREVIOUS owners of my house for loving both bushes and wallpaper. Fucking wallpaper.

3: times a day I have to put eye ointment into my poo-eating dog’s eyes.

16: pounds my poo-eating dog weighs

2-3: people it takes to restrain my poo-eating dog in order to put the ointment in his eyes

.2 million: times I’ve wondered if my poo-eating dog was actually a mutant Incredible Hulk dog.

0: times I have eaten beef sticks, even though they are technically encased meats (which I adore).

90,093: times Daver has eaten beef sticks.

84: times I have gagged, thinking about Daver eating beef sticks.

2: times I have enjoyed American Idol this season

infinity: amount of love I have for Glee, even though the show contains NONE of my boyfriends.

4: current television husbands.

infinity: dorkiness quotient I will achieve after going to the Glee concert (oh yes, yes I am).

0: likelihood of Daver eating beef sticks at a Glee concert.

0: likelihood of me caring about American Idol, even though one of my husbands was on that show.

0: likelihood that I will ever learn how to properly use a comma or apostrophe.

12.8 million: likelihood that you will go read this, my post about the Grand Gesture guy.

70 Comments to

“Like Shrinky-Dinks, But Without The Dinks”

  1. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:28 am avasmommy Says:

    80 billion: The number of times I have enjoyed your writing.


  2. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:08 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Awww! Thanks. I love you.

  3. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:37 am Amy Mayfield Says:

    Fucking wallpaper.
    The previous owners of my house were clearly insane.
    One bathroom STILL has red magnolia wallpaper hanging in tatters-they must have used superglue to put that shit up because it will not come off and we have tried everything.
    Also, when the wallpaper they hung without superglue started to come loose, they just painted over it.
    So now we have loose, painted wallpaper walls-because paint is not going to attach wallpaper to a wall.
    I’d like to track them down and punch them in the face.

  4. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:50 am Minnie Says:

    1: the last marriage propsal you’ll get from me.

    Seriously, you slay me.

  5. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:02 am linlah Says:

    0: times I’ve enjoyed American Idol
    Infinity: times infinity that I love your post.

  6. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:11 am F. Haataja Says:

    I can’t believe you’ve never eaten a beef stick! Just one taste and you’ll wish you had those years back. I recommend Jack Link’s “Sasquatch Big Stick.” The “Happy” flavor yields results that make the flavor name quite fitting.

  7. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:16 am Amanda Says:

    35.7: number of times I laughed from this post

    3.5: number of people who stared at me when I had tears rolling down my face from GrandGestureGuy blog…(the .5 is for the hefty man to my left)

  8. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:22 am Melanie @ Forty Degree Day Says:

    I love you so much, Aunt Becky. You always put a smile on my face. Like 25.6 times a day.

  9. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:28 am Suzie Says:

    Crap! do you need someone to use a spare ticket for the Glee Concert?!??!?!! I would SO be that person. You know, to sacrifice my gas and time to drive out there to hang with you and help you utilize your tickets to the fullest extent. 😀

  10. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:29 am pattypunker Says:

    using wallpaper should be punishable by law with monetary restitution and compensation for pain, suffering and loss of consortium.

    76,532 times you have cracked my ass up.

  11. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:07 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    They glued the shit to the DRYWALL. What knuckle-dragger DOES that shit?

  12. On April 20th, 2010 at 12:02 pm Mom Bomb Says:

    I LOVE BOTH OF YOU AND THESE TWO COMMENTS. Right on and living that nightmare as well!

  13. On April 20th, 2010 at 2:09 pm BryanTSC Says:

    I don’t know how that becomes a “good idea” but whoever it was must have been a previous owner of my house, too.

  14. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:35 am Tsm/30 something & crazy Says:

    Aren’t you a fello Fibro patient?? If so, can I be the first to say, “what the HELL were you thinking?!?!?”

    If not, as you were.

  15. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    No, I am not a fibro patient, but I am loopy enough on my own. I get the My Grains and I have other assorted weird issues, but oddly, no fibro.

  16. On April 20th, 2010 at 1:48 pm TSM 30something Says:

    Ahhh I must be thinking of some OTHER hilarious famous blogger I adore. My bad…

  17. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:35 am Tsm/30 something & crazy Says:

    Aren’t you a fello Fibro patient?? If so, can I be the first to say, “what the HELL were you thinking?!?!?”

    If not, as you were.

  18. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:36 am Jessica Says:

    You so kickass.

  19. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:36 am Cara Says:

    Beef stick suck. Beef jerky rocks my party!

  20. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:38 am Nancy P Says:

    4. Number of bushes I need to pull out of our yard.
    0 chances of me doing it THIS weekend.
    Tons How much I love your writing. 🙂

  21. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:39 am Kat Says:

    $35 million: minimum amount of money we could make by giving you a job at my work and putting the whole thing on TV. It’s already pretty damn amusing, but you’d have that star quality and over the top-ness to make it a blockbuster…

    It’d have to be on HBO though. I’m amazed that I got through the above paragraph without fucking swearing!

  22. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:42 am Anna Says:

    Our very nice (I’m just sure) previous, previous previous owners not only wallpapered every inch of the house – but did so DIRECTLY onto the drywall.

    847,382: times I’ve wanted to bitch slap the ppp owners for doing that.

  23. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    THEY DID THAT HERE, TOO. In the bathroom. The teeny-tiny bathroom. THREE different wallpapers, Anna. THREE. All flower patterns. It was atrocious. BLECH. All onto the drywall directly.

  24. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:46 am a Says:

    Peeing by yourself? What is that? I don’t know who’s worse for barging in – my husband or my daughter. The women at work know that they’re not supposed to talk to me when I’m in the bathroom. I like to maintain the illusion that I’m alone. Also, it makes them all crazy. 🙂

  25. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:48 am Mrs Soup Says:

    8,532,809,0243,805: number of times I’ve given you the proper use of a comma or apostrophe

    0: number of times I wished you’d bother someone else.


  26. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:53 am MommaKiss Says:

    Oh the numbers. The NUMBERS! Ever wonder why the word “numb” is in there? I’m an accountant and numbers make me numb. ANYway – the whole “not caring where the cruise is going” or “not calling home?” AMEN, Sister! This is true Aunt Becky Time. Take it! And pee in private. A billion times 😛

  27. On April 20th, 2010 at 10:56 am kbrients Says:

    I must have missed the memo on glee. I seem to do this on all very popular shows…. 0: times I have been able to sit through an episode.

  28. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:06 am Melissa Says:

    I don’t do the Glee either. I think it might be the NAME Glee that turns me off.

  29. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:06 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    I would so be at the Glee concert in a fast second if they were coming to Dallas. Sigh. I’ll settle for one of my current TV husbands though: Conan O’Brien.

  30. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:08 am Coleen Says:

    I don’t want to marry any of the guys on Glee (ok, except maybe Puck and Mr. Shue), but Kurt is totally my gay BFF. I think he would help me be FANCY again (you know, like not having to wear elastic waist maternity pants even though I’ve lost 15 pounds this pregnancy – yeah, this is FUN)

  31. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:08 am Amanda Says:

    My brain hurts too much today to think about numbers so I’ll leave you with this…

    You better have fun on your cruise because SERIOUSLY? I going to be living vicariously through you and I know you don’t want to let me down.


  32. On April 20th, 2010 at 12:09 pm Elly Lou Says:

    4: number of times during the reading of this post that I turned around to coo to my cat, “I’m so glad you don’t eat poo.”

  33. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:13 am BigSis Says:

    Statistics don’t lie. Just sayin’.

  34. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:20 am toywithme Says:

    11 gajillion: The amount of times I can read your posts and still be entertained.

    0: My favorite number because this one I know how to multiply.

  35. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:26 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I got lucky, the house we bought had been on the market for over 18 months with only one offer that fell through and at about 16 months they had a ‘stager’ come in and tell them to strip the 1978 wall paper and paint the walls white. Two months later we saw the house and made an offer.

    I’ve seen photos of the wallpaper. If I knew who that stager was I’d give him a nice big blow job in appreciation.

  36. On April 20th, 2010 at 12:27 pm Libby Says:

    At elast they didn’t leave you carpet int he bathrooms. I still have nightmares…

  37. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:33 am Fran Says:

    While my dog doesn’t eat poo, he did once get an infection in his pee-hole that required me to twice daily fill a syringe(no needle) with medication, insert it into his pee-hole, depress the plunger and squeeze his pee-hole shut for one minute while massaging the fluid around in his penile sheath. After one minute I let go and the fluid would dribble back out. I love this dog, but after the first few days he was giving me these looks and laying down on his back whenever he saw me….it was not a lovely 10 days…for me.

  38. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I just died thinking about having to do that. Auggie would probably eat me. I don’t know how, considering I’m approximately 200000000 times his size, but he’d do it.

    Also, I want to hug you now.

  39. On April 20th, 2010 at 12:13 pm Kelly Says:

    I think that I might have thrown up in my mouth after reading this. I hope that my little Winston never gets an infection of the weiner, because I think it would have to fall off before I had to do the plunging and massaging of his doggie weiner….considering what a hump meister he is, he’d probably like it, little pervy doggie.

  40. On April 20th, 2010 at 12:46 pm Fran Says:

    OMG if it gets me a hug from Aunt Becky it may just have been worth it!!

  41. On April 20th, 2010 at 5:56 pm Melissa Says:

    UGH, can you imagine having to do that and having someone like ME around who would secretly videotape you doing it?

  42. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:53 am Melme Says:

    I had a totally witty comment, carefully crafted in my head but I completely forgot what I was going to say… BUT I WON’T LET THAT STOP ME! 😀

  43. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:53 am Jennifer B Says:

    Oh, man, I feel your pain about wallpaper. My uncle’s house was covered in layer after layer of wallpaper, and getting it off was like a mission from hell. It’s still to this day (15 years later) not done. Wallpaper should be banned. Period. It’s evil.
    Congratulations on the bush removal. You need to soak your body in epsom salts now. I know that it is not going to happen, since you can’t even pee by yourself (I’m currently in that boat too), but try it if you can. I’m so jealous about your cruise, and Glee tickets too, that I think I’m going to work on doing something like that with my local mom peeps, though if we all leave at once, I don’t know what the husbands will DO without us around. Scary thought. But the peeing alone is so enticing, I might do it anyway.

  44. On April 20th, 2010 at 12:21 pm Carlynn Says:

    So, as the owner of a poo-eating dog, would you recommend getting a dog? You don’t have to answer that question, I think the decision has been made .. but actually, an answer would be instructive, I haven’t thought of how I would handle poo-eating.

    And a cruise, you’re going on a cruise?! I’m so jealous, and I’ve been away for too long. It’s good to be back and see you in such fine, bush-pulling form.

  45. On April 20th, 2010 at 2:56 pm Alexandra Says:

    I did make it to the other website, and I did read what you wrote on grand gestures, and it was worth it.

    Meanwhile, over here: I’ve just made up mind. It’ll take some doings, but I have decided that I need to divorce my husband, so I can marry you.

    I would be very happy.

  46. On April 20th, 2010 at 2:15 pm carrie meadows Says:

    Beef. Sticks. It’s just wrong.

  47. On April 20th, 2010 at 3:33 pm Rebecca Says:

    I love your numbers posts! Thanks!

  48. On April 20th, 2010 at 3:33 pm Lauren Says:

    Beef stick? I don’t even know what that is but it sounds like something I wouldn’t want to put in my mouth. Unless it was a different kind of beef stick.

  49. On April 20th, 2010 at 3:33 pm Barbara Says:

    I never understood why people like wallpaper. It’s annoying and ugly.

  50. On April 20th, 2010 at 3:50 pm flutter Says:

    “beef stick” *shiver*

  51. On April 20th, 2010 at 4:52 pm Sabreena Says:

    Congrats on the bushes. 7 is better than 0. Congrats on your cruise as well. I am itching for a just me get away but do not have one in sight. I admire your strength to not call home and check in. I don’t trust my husband or our offspring enough. Have fun girl!

  52. On April 20th, 2010 at 3:53 pm mumma boo Says:

    12: Number of margaritas you must drink for me while on your cruise. My grown-up vacation got CANCELED *shakes fist*, and I figure that’s the minimum # of drinks I would have had while away from the spawn. Somebody has to do it. I’ll even let you pick the flavor. Just think of how it will help you pee more ALONE.

  53. On April 20th, 2010 at 4:10 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    I am SO with you on the freaking wallpaper.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  54. On April 20th, 2010 at 4:56 pm Melissa Says:

    Ok, am home so was able to read about grand gesture guy. That was a stalker! Creepy.

  55. On April 20th, 2010 at 5:23 pm Kristin Says:

    I have some gawd awful 70s style truly FUGLY wallpaper in both of our bathrooms. I so need to get rid of that.

  56. On April 20th, 2010 at 7:01 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    tis actually more like THREE EFFING WEEKS til our cruise.

    but i’m not counting.

    i’m also lying.

  57. On April 20th, 2010 at 6:38 pm Becca Says:

    I also love Glee, which is unfortunate, as it is on as the same time as a bunch of the crap (I said that lovingly, right??) C watches!!

  58. On April 20th, 2010 at 6:38 pm Becca Says:

    I also love Glee, which is unfortunate, as it is on as the same time as a bunch of the crap (I said that lovingly, right??) C watches!!

  59. On April 20th, 2010 at 6:44 pm Heather (qtberryhead) Says:

    You know, I did yard work yesterday and haven’t been able to move since. And it got my allergies going…
    But it sure beats the hell out of shoveling snow!

  60. On April 20th, 2010 at 6:53 pm Beth Says:

    Oh, snap… I’m totally jealous that you’re going to the Glee concert!

  61. On April 20th, 2010 at 9:12 pm Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    Biatch, MY boyfriend is gunna be on Glee.

    Neil Patrick Harris. He will totally turn straight for me. I KNOW IT.

  62. On April 20th, 2010 at 11:31 pm panamahat Says:

    LOL. A LOT.

  63. On April 21st, 2010 at 6:45 am Mwa Says:

    Absolutely do not phone home. You are so right. Maybe send a drunken email one night.

  64. On April 21st, 2010 at 9:21 am Ashley Says:

    I heart glee! There is a concert?

  65. On April 21st, 2010 at 9:30 am lola Says:

    0: Number of times I’ve blogged since Feb.

    2: Number of times I’ve commented on my friends’ blogs since Feb.

    Infinity: Number of times I’ve thought about you.

    569: Number of times I’ve screamed “Facebook blows” since I signed up a couple days ago and threatened to go back to my blog…

  66. On April 21st, 2010 at 1:05 pm Susan @ Sassafrassery Says:

    Seriously? You’ve never had a beef stick?? Take it from me, you’re missing out on a great thing… almost holy… if you fore go The Slim Jim. Just don’t read the ingredients.

  67. On April 22nd, 2010 at 6:30 pm Susan (woo222) Says:

    Dude, you may have ruined beef sticks for me forever 😉 And OMG I hear ya about the wall paper. The people who previously owned and decorated my parents’ house LOVED BROWN AND BLACK AND SILVER wallpaper. In every freaking room. Also: on the ceilings. Weird 60’s shit. My mother thinks it’s delightful. Number of times I’ve begged her to let me redecorate? 899 billion. Number of times I think about how seriously awesome you are? Everytime I read your blog or you happen to pop into my mind. Have a good day! ~Susan

  68. On April 24th, 2010 at 6:40 pm Laurelpaig Says:

    Not to be all crazy-stalker lady, but what cruise are you going on? I am going on one May 15th from Galveston, TX 🙂

  69. On April 24th, 2010 at 8:08 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am going on one *scratches head* from Orlando on *scratches head* May 13. SO CLOSE! I wish you were gonna be on our cruise! That would be WICKED awesome.

  70. On November 15th, 2010 at 12:26 pm Meggie Says:

    I honestly thought that said The Daver has been eating beef dicks.

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