Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Like A Bad After School Special


You didn’t think I was REALLY going to stay gone, did you? That would be insane. This blog is the only thing (some days) that connects me with the world outside of my pill-popping (what? Prenatal vitamins are pills!) suburban existence. No matter what the stupid platitudes say, I firmly believe that laughter–and vodka–are the very best medicine.

That said, I will probably not be around as much as I’ve been before. With all of the fantastic blogs out there, I’ve been having a terrible time mixing reading blogs and living, well, life in general. But alas, you wanted the best, you sadly were booby prized your Aunt Becky. Life goes on, eh?

Back when I was in my early teens, in retelling it later, I sound like a complete bad ass. I wasn’t, not really, but it sounds that way.

Take, for example, the time I was arrested at age 14. SOUNDS bad ass until I tell you the story. Which, like it or not, I’m about to do.

So, my friend Jenny and I were wandering about the mall (where else did teenagers hang?) in a sea of hormonal, well, hormones, and she came up with this brilliant idea. It went a little like this:

Jen: Hey, Becky, we should steal something.

Becky: I don’t think so. I HAVE money to pay for it.

Jen: But it would be cool! Come on!

Becky: No thanks.


Becky: (sighs) Okay.

Did you see that? My IRON CLAD will in action? Even then I was aware of how stupid the whole situation was. Being born with a healthy fear of The Man, I was never one to try and disobey authority. Any bad-assery I engaged in happened AROUND blatantly breaking the law.

But, in an effort to give my future self stuff to blog about and make fun of, I acted precisely how those spineless chicks on the After School Special: I caved immediately.

And so we entered a store–The Limited–for the express purpose of shoplifting something. Even then I knew it was a Very Bad Idea.

I went up to the front of the store to steal some accessories (clothing seemed like a lot of work) with Jenny in tow. We were the only people in the store besides the employees. Without having an ounce of smooveness in me, I’m sure I had a blinking sign over my head that said “TEENAGER SHOPLIFTING!”

I guarantee you that I looked guilty before I put a hair pick in my pocket.

Without surprising a single person, the clerk caught me as I tried to walk out of the store. Bus-TED.

And since it was store policy to arrest shoplifters, I was also arrested. I was also a blubbery mess from the moment I was busted. It wasn’t even MY idea, and here I was taking the blame for it! I learned REALLY QUICKLY never to listen to anyone else when it came to my business.

Well, because I was 14 and unable to drive, my mother was in the mall with me, and despite being paged over and over, we hadn’t seen her. On our way to the police station, we ran into my mother who was obviously furious. She knew I had money and she couldn’t believe that I’d tried such an amateur move.

Neither could I.

I was tried and sentenced to 25 hours community service, which I served at a local Red Cross. I painted rooms and I cleaned toilets (it was then that I learned about the inability of men to actually make the pee hit the toilet) for 4 weekends in a row.

I wish I could sit here and like an episode of Full House, have a “tender moment” with which I can share my wisdom and all that I learned from this harrowing experience, but I’m not that kind of person. And this isn’t that kind of blog.

So for now, ladies and germs, I tell you only this: don’t get caught.

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
27 Comments to

“Like A Bad After School Special”

  1. On June 24th, 2008 at 11:15 am Coco Says:

    We could have been twins. Seriously.

    I so wish we lived closer to each other so we could go to the mall and NOT shoplift accessories. We could just laugh about getting busted BITD while we ate Auntie Anne’s pretzels.

  2. On June 24th, 2008 at 11:44 am Tombo Says:

    Possibly the best lesson anybody can learn in life.

  3. On June 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am giggleblue Says:

    yes. yes. yes.

    if you are going to be bad, be good at doing it.

  4. On June 24th, 2008 at 12:06 pm Kristen Says:

    Wow, I was never brave enough to do that. I think I stole a mini pack of lifesavers at about 6, that was about it. You must have been scared shitless! too funny.
    To think, now you get to clean toilets after your own clan of sausages every day!

  5. On June 24th, 2008 at 12:06 pm Marie Says:

    My best friend and I took her dads car (with permission..what was he thinking?) at 14 and I wrecked it and had 180 hours of community service. I worked at a nursing home laundering the bed pads…bad ass? No just a couple of dumb kids who wanted munchos at the store and had no way to get there.

  6. On June 24th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Theramblinghousewife Says:

    Those after school specials scared me straight.

    I was always too scared to try drugs for fear that I might attempt to jump off of a building and fly.

    They should bring those after school specials back! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. On June 24th, 2008 at 12:31 pm Kelly Says:

    My sister was caught “stealing” (or eating) Jelly Bellies from a department store when she was 12. They called the police, and wanted to press charges against her. The cop that took her home let her go with a warning after telling her that that was the stupidest call he had ever been on. She was so freaked out about the whole thing that she didn’t tell anyone until last year, she’s 30.

  8. On June 24th, 2008 at 12:46 pm DD Says:

    It was my skillz as a former ‘lifter that made me an expert in catching them when I worked retail.

    However, truly saddened by the day I had to pull a six year old back into the storage area to await the authorities. A SIX YEAR OLD!!

  9. On June 24th, 2008 at 1:44 pm deb Says:

    excellent advice! ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. On June 24th, 2008 at 1:49 pm Karen Says:

    I was a good kid (nerd), but my sister had those type of run ins. I agree not getting caught is important.

  11. On June 24th, 2008 at 1:50 pm baseballmom Says:

    OMG, how funny! I remember being terrified when friends wanted to steal stuff…I had the idea that if I even THOUGHT about it, I’d get busted. We got caught drinking beer in a local park, and the cops read us our rights ( I am quite sure they enjoyed scaring the shit out of us) and I was groveling and crying at them to let us go, PLEASE, we’ll never do it again…etc. Of course, they let us go after warning us and confiscating all of our beer–the cops had a party on us that night , I bet!

  12. On June 24th, 2008 at 2:16 pm kbreints Says:

    oh girl, it was like you were telling my story there for a minute! A girl friend and I went on a shoplifting spree of our own at that age! Got into lots of trouble…. ahhh the good ole days!

  13. On June 24th, 2008 at 2:23 pm heather Says:

    When I was 10, my best friend and I were shopping at a craft store. You know, where you buy the stuff to make jewelry and all that stupid crap. Anyway, she was absentmindedly putting things in her pockets, since there wasn’t a basket, and the store owner brought us to the back of the store and screamed at us for trying to steal. Nevermind the fact that I didn’t even have anything in my hands (because I’m NOT CRAFTY, BECKY). Nevermind that we didn’t even try to leave the store, so therefore no shoplifting was even attempted. She screamed and screamed and then told me to leave and then she screamed at my friend alone. So then I ran home and got our moms, and man, you should have seen how they screamed at the shop owner.

  14. On June 24th, 2008 at 2:37 pm Lola Says:

    You are so freaking me out. I, too, was arrested at 14 — umm — and 17, but it wasn’t for stealing. I got caught doing that at around seven in the penny candy store, and my mother embarassed me to the point that I never shoplifted again.

    Then you go and mention men missing the toilet, and I almost spit out my water because I was going to write a whole post about that the other day but something else came up.

    I’m so glad you couldn’t stay away. I would miss the bizarre coincidences that keep coming up — arrested at 14, eye scar, dealing with the lack of penis control.

  15. On June 24th, 2008 at 2:38 pm tash Says:

    excellent advice. Good for life.

  16. On June 24th, 2008 at 3:48 pm -Seraphimred- Says:

    I’m so glad you couldn’t stay away. I’m a new reader and just started to feel at home!


    On topic.. I used to do some liftin’ at pur local walfart when I was in junior high.p. Nothing like some cheap makeup and imposter perfume!

  17. On June 24th, 2008 at 4:16 pm swirl girl Says:

    damned Lee Press-On Nails, I just had to have them. Went out the door with the box and turned right around and put it back. Not caught, just afraid of ruining my goody two shoes reputation….

    I was, however, dragged off the Disney Jail for an infraction involving two 15 year old girls on the Sky way to Fantasy Land back in 1980…TMI for now.

  18. On June 24th, 2008 at 4:39 pm Cricket Says:

    Naughty Aunt Becky … reading here only gets better and better.

  19. On June 24th, 2008 at 6:20 pm trish Says:

    I don’t mind if you’re not around MY blog very much (though I’d miss your comments ๐Ÿ™ but I do hope you’re around YOUR blog very much. Does that make sense?

    All that to say, I love your blog. It’s in my top 5. Picking a favorite out of the top 5 would be like admitting you have a favorite child. IT’S JUST NOT DONE.

  20. On June 24th, 2008 at 6:53 pm Jessie Says:

    How’s this for stupid?

    Passed out in backseat of car at 18. My “Friends” in the car decide to break into cars and steal stuff. Get pulled over with a bunch of rocks, bricks, cd’s and car stereos in car. All of us get arrested. I get charged with felony theft and spend 3 weeks in jail. Probation for 3 years.

    And my Mancub teenager wonders why I’m so picky about his friends…

  21. On June 24th, 2008 at 6:54 pm kate Says:

    hehe. you suck at shoplifting.

  22. On June 24th, 2008 at 7:29 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    I think that is the best advice in this sort of situation!

    Glad you are feeling a little better ๐Ÿ™‚

  23. On June 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm Wendy Elissa Says:

    When I was around 12 my friend and I were at the mall and we thought it would be fun to tear leaves off the decorative plants and drop them all the way down from the top level to the bottom level. I think it was actually my idea! Well, we got caught but only I was taken into “custody” at mall security headquarters. I cried and cried and I guess the female guard (named “Love” of all names ) felt sorry for me because she stopped being mean and threatening and turned really nice. They met my mom at our designated meeting spot and brought her to me. My friend hadn’t even gotten caught and was just hanging out waiting for the time we were to meet my mom. That is pretty much the worst thing I did as a teenager. I was really boring. Oh, and my mom wasn’t even mad. She’s so great!

  24. On June 24th, 2008 at 10:51 pm lindz Says:


    yeah, me and my bff dragged another friend to the mall, and she on her own decided to be bad ass and steal something, well she got caught and we got escorted out..and um, I think we were supposed to be banned for a year, but this is the biggest mall in America! no way were we gonna stay away, but yeah we shoplifted there.

    I was also pro @ shop lifting candy bars, me and my friend had a CONTEST to see who could do the most @ once and I think I did like 12! and she got like 9!

  25. On June 25th, 2008 at 12:10 am Kymberli Says:

    You crack me the hell up.

  26. On June 25th, 2008 at 8:53 pm chris Says:

    Aunt Becky,

    You would fit perfectly in with my family…Enough said.

  27. On July 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm Mara Says:

    Oh Darling. I remember this one. In fact, I think I still have the spiral bound notebook we told our stories in.

    You’re the best.

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