Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Let’s Just Say It Involved A Baby Blue Leisure Suit


I’m not much of a tech person.

I mean, I appreciate that it’s there, and I still am impressed every single time I turn on my iPhone that it’s just so fancy pants (also: I am impressed that I haven’t bedazzled the shit out of it yet. But have no fear, I will. Better yet, I will find someone on Etsy to do it for me) and I can work my blog mostly.

I’m the person who didn’t get an email address until my friend in college set me up with one (which is why it was sex_kitten23) and an AIM account until I started dating someone who suggested I get one (stinkybutt234) and I doubt I’d have a blog, twitter or Facebook page were it not for The Daver and his ever-expanding attraction to social media sites.

While I may not be into tech stuff, The Daver obviously is. So is my father.

My addict-like nature did come from somewhere and for him, he’s always been really interested in computers and as far back as I can remember, he’s subscribed to Porn For Geeks computer magazines by the truckload. Hey, you knew the orchid thing didn’t come from nowhere, right?

If nothing else, these magazines have made my father p-a-r-a-n-o-i-d about the security of his network. Because, yeah, the man has at least 3 computers hooked up there protected by a state of the art firewall set up by my engineer of a brother. His network is the Fort Knox of networks.

Which is interesting, because no one–not even my brother or Dave–can get onto it. I guess my brother is pretty good at his job.

What makes the situation even weirder is that my father doesn’t really house anything too important on his computers. He doesn’t work for the CIA or FBI or any of those cool acronym agencies. He doesn’t write novels or tomes of poetry. He doesn’t take gigabytes of pictures, painstakingly, lovingly retouching them.


He plays games. Reads blogs. Surfs the web. Occasionally reads my Facebook status, ashamed that he has a daughter who pollutes the Internet with her drivel. Wonders how to disown her.*

Reads up on spyware and how it means that the terrorists are WINNING and how reformatting your hard drive is a great way to solve all of the world’s ill’s. Reformats his hard drive. Figures he’ll call Dave to help him fix it.

Needless to say, waving the one piece of swag I kept from BlogHer–a Flash Drive–near the computer didn’t work. I had no idea what the password was and my mother was just as clueless and Dave just rolled his eyes. My father has locked us all effectively out.

Don’t worry, though, I haven’t forgotten about the picture I owe you for voting for me (you can still vote for me! HOORAY!), neatly locked away from me on my father’s computer, inaccessible and sad.

It will be taken care of, though, my friends. Soon *cackles wildly* o! soon you will see the Halloween costume that many of you won’t realize is a costume. Which makes it that much awesomer.

So, that makes me curious, Internet. Why don’t you tell Your Aunt Becky what your favorite Halloween costume was?

*Sorry Dad, I’m not going ANYWHERE. You see these grandchildren? THEY MEAN I OWN YOU.

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
106 Comments to

“Let’s Just Say It Involved A Baby Blue Leisure Suit”

  1. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:31 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    I had a ton of favorites when I was little: butterfly, gypsy, Mickey Mouse, just to name a few. Last year Brent and I went as Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf. That was pretty fun!

  2. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:33 am Chibi Jeebs Says:

    Baby blue leisure suit? Sounds eerily similar to the powder blue tux the guy who fathered me wore when he married my mom. For REALS. *snort*

    My favourite Halloween costume (aka one of the few I remember) was a medieval chick: I wore someone’s old prom dress (read: empire wasted pale yellow lace) and we made a… hat(?) out of poster board that looked suspiciously like a dunce cap with a ribbon trailing from the top.

    Yeah. It’s no wonder I hate Halloween.

  3. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Chibi Jeebs Dude. I require a blog post about this complete with picture. Seriously.

  4. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:42 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    I don’t think there are pictures. I’m a deprived child and my parents didn’t love me. Well, they weren’t particularly fond of cameras. Mayhaps I’ll try my hand at DRAWING you a picture…

  5. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Chibi Jeebs Drawing works too.

  6. On October 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm Chibi Jeebs Says:

    Here ya go:


  7. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:46 am Jess Says:

    When I was teaching, my grade level and I tried to be “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.” But I was pregnant.. and my red fish was more whale-like… the kids totally didn’t get it. Damn kids.

  8. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Jess DAMN KIDS. That costume is totally awesome.

  9. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:49 am Badass Geek Says:

    The most exciting thing I did for Halloween was dress up with my clothes on backwards. I was Backwards Man.

  10. On October 21st, 2009 at 10:59 am Christa Says:

    Geisha Girl. I dyed my long hair jet black and my mother screamed like a banshee when she saw me. But whatever, I was sexy little china doll for one night.

  11. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:11 am toywithme Says:

    The older they get the more paranoid they become.

    This year I am going as Peg Bundy. Sexy hot with ample cleavage 😉

  12. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:13 pm dubiousma Says:

    Dressed up as a martini olive. Wore red leotard and tights and doo-rag. army green stuffed burlap sack….totally rocked.

  13. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @dubious ma I bet you were hot, too.

  14. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:24 am Jane Says:

    Dead Marilyn Monroe. Wore a bathrobe while carrying bottles of pills and vodka. Maybe not historically accurate, but a whole lot of fun.

  15. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:26 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    Last year I was going to go as a troll doll. Nude body suit with jewel on the belly, big hair dyed a crazy color. We ended up getting pimp hats and going as gangsters.

    While I figured I would just use that FABULOUS idea this year, I cut 11 inches off my hair a few months ago, so I can’t do the hair. So again, I have to say, maybe next year…

    Once, in the 80s though, I was a “secretary”. Used my dad’s briefcase to collect my candy. That ties for favorite with my costume from ’07 when I was a cheerLESS leader, and my best friend was the Prom Queen of the Damned.

  16. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Sara That’s flipping amazing and I want pictures of all of it. We should all do Halloween posts.

  17. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:02 pm Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    I completely forgot about the year I was knocked up with Little Z. I was a pregnant nun, Paulo was a priest, and Big Z was an angel with devil horns and a tail…

  18. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:33 pm almostaraider Says:

    My favorite, the job i had at the time was “prizing” 25 dollar gas cards to the best costume.

    I taped a big ass red A to the front of a white tee.

    Told them i was the scarlett letter! I didn’t win, but it was amazing how many people didnt’ “get” it.

  19. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @almostaraider I bet a lot of people didn’t get that. But it’s awesome.

  20. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:36 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    Halloween is the one day I can dress like a whore and get away with it. I normally dress like a whore, but the dirty looks and snide remarks make it less fun. But on Halloween…all bets are off BITCHES! My favorite costume was a Catholic school girl. I was a hot bitch that night. Almost got into a fight, even. Although it wasn’t my fault! Some guy was a priest and I told him he was my Halloween twin and he asked my friend and I to show him our panties (part of our costumes). So, OF COURSE we had too. That decision had NOTHING to do with the shots of tequila we had. So his girlfriend didn’t appreciate us showing her boyfriend our panties and let us know her displeasure with the situation. CLEARLY she was an uptight girlfriend!

  21. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Beautiful Mess I’m hoping to be a sexy bitch one of these years. Maybe one of the years where I have something to do besides wrestle lolly-pops from my children.

  22. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:37 am MamaSkates Says:

    my fav was last year…i was Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton herself! ;0)

  23. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:28 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @MamaSkates that is brilliant, dude.

  24. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:42 am Coco Says:

    My favorite Halloween costume was when I was pregnant; a pair of my old pajamas and a large bag of candy, which I methodically consumed on my couch while my husband hid in the bushes to terrorize trick-or-treaters.

    Oh, wait. I guess it’s not much of a costume.

    But I enjoyed myself immensely.

  25. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Coco that’s exactly what I was last year! I had this huge orange shirt with a pumpkin on it and I was sixty-zillion months pregnant and I ate a lot of candy and wore Das Boot on my foot and cried like a sissy for no reason. Is it no wonder I’m having no more kids?

  26. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:42 pm Cat Says:

    My favorite Halloween costume was when I sewed some sponges to a T-shirt and said I was self-absorbed.

    Alternately, my most embarrassing Halloween costume was the year that I decided to go as a Klingon (I was 10, and a nerd then too). It wasn’t embarrassing at the time, but looking back I wonder how the hell I didn’t get beat up, as in the pictures it pretty much looks like I went trick-or-treating in blackface.

  27. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:54 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Cat, That’s brilliant.

  28. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:47 am Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Wednesday from The Adams Family and Punky Brewster.

    My Mom is really paranoid about the online security thing. She won’t even make purchases on line ever.

  29. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:53 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I went as All Grown Up Red Riding Hood one year with a basket of sex toy goodies. Hit a bunch of frat parties that night.It was so much fun!!

    I leave the firewall & such to DH.I think the only thing we are missing is the moat.

  30. On October 21st, 2009 at 11:56 am Elizabeth Says:

    My favorite halloween costume is when I dressed up as Frankenstein…..the novel. Yep, I had a book costume with the words “Frankenstein by Mary Shelley” in gold lettering and it rocked. yes, it was as dorky and pun-y as you are picturing.

  31. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:01 pm Antropologa Says:

    Hey, Bloglines worked for you again!

    Um…fairy princess. I always was that for a kid, and my little girl has already been it once. Not too imaginative, but wings!!!

  32. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:05 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    My dad is the EXACT SAME WAY. Except he doesn’t really understand it very well….but he still tries. He’s more of a gadget guru. Obsessed with gadgets.

    I’ve had so many awesome costumes in the past. I was a celery when I was about 8 or 9, complete with green tights and I brought a stalk of celery around with me so I could show people what I was. I was also Starlight one year, with my BFF being Rainbow Bright. That was pretty awesome.

    I haven’t had any awesome adult costumes….although this year, I’m proud of dressing up my cousin as The Green Fairy, complete with Absinthe. I’ll be going as Arwen from Lord of the Rings, since people say I look like Liv Tyler….don’t worry, pictures will come.

  33. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:03 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Mrs Soup. I’m going as an Unpaid Kept Woman this year. Because, well, obviously.

  34. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:19 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I hate costumes. I am even a bit embarrassed when I’m around other people who are wearing them.
    Unless I’m in a play. Then I like them okay.

  35. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Ms Moon See, I’m not a thespian and I don’t dress up often, mainly because I don’t go to Halloween parties. I think I should go to more parties.

  36. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:22 pm Allie Says:

    I don’t even know how to lock myself out if I tried! And I too have a hubby that started all the social networking sites before me and sits in chatrooms all day with his car buddies.

    My fav costume – I was the bride of frankenstein and had my hair teased and spray up – oh it was the best hair even and it took about 10 washes to get out.

  37. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Allie I’m so stupid that I can’t get pictures off Dave’s part of my computer and I know his password. I’m Captain Stupid.

  38. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:24 pm Kristine Says:

    I stopped dressing up in High School and never really dressed up as an adult, but one High School Halloween party I went to as a chalk outline – black sweatsuit, hoodie + masking tape + red blood stain. I was all about the easy.

  39. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kristine Okay, you guys are ALL so clever and it’s killing me.

  40. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:33 pm moonspun Says:

    my favorite Halloween costume was my sister’s in first grade. A bubble gum machine…my mom dressed her in a snow suit and put a clear plastic trash bag over it filled with balloons. The problem was that it was cold that year and the balloons kept popping. My dad, who doesn’t remember lots of details, was just laughing about the memory this past weekend. I duplicated the costume 10+ years ago at work and won $100 and also for my own lil one two years ago. It was a great hit!

  41. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:14 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Moonspun I was a bag of jelly beans! Same costume!

  42. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:40 pm Nel Says:

    Do you watch RENO 911? Well, my husband is going to be Lt. Dangle from that show and Belle’s boyfriend is going to be the weird guy that always has on roller skates.

    It is going to be INCREDIBLE!

  43. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I demand pictures.

  44. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:47 pm Rebecca Says:

    Red sweat pants…….white sweat shirt that I mostly painted and a headband that had a white piece of yarn.

    Yes, I was once a tampon for Halloween.

    Usually, I’m just myself which is scary enough.

    Of course, I’ve gone a few times as a Hooker. Classy!

    Then there was the year I bought footed PJ’s in the kids section and wore my hair in piggy tails and went as a baby. This one picked up more guys than the hooker ones….go figure.

  45. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Rebecca no doubt the guys dug on the baby costume. Which, hello, CREEPY.

  46. On October 21st, 2009 at 12:54 pm 3xE Says:

    A few years ago the husband and I went as The Bearded Lady and the Dog-Faced Boy, he as the lady and I as pup. He looked a lot like an overweight Peggy Bundy. We had a blast. I kept screaming, “I’m a MAN! I have a wife and I please her!” whenever someone introduced me as Dog-Faced Boy.

  47. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:04 pm MoranChick Says:

    Box of crayons. Don’t remember how old I was–grade school sometime–but it was a big box with head- and arm-holes cut out, painted to look like one of those 48-crayon Crayola boxes. It was awesome. (I also had a friend in high school who, before I knew her, was a bag of jelly beans; clear garbage bag with leg holes, filled with multicolored balloons. I always thought that was a great idea.)

    Also: the Hindu goddess Lakshmi, also during grade school, except that I wouldn’t let my mother make the extra arms because stuffing pantyhose and then sewing the feet to look like hands would make them look like Cabbage Patch Kid arms, so I was four arms short of authentic. (One of my cousins went as the Mona Lisa that year, complete with frame.)

    And! A Prohibition-era gangster once in high school, complete with one of my dad’s suits, a mascara-ed on moustache, and a violin case borrowed from the school music department for my (nonexistant) tommy gun.

    The last time I dressed up for Halloween was also for a friend’s 30th birthday party (six? years ago); I went as Death from the Sandman comics, and my then-boyfriend, now-husband went as the Grim Reaper. Much hilarity ensued.

  48. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:58 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Moran Chick, holy CRAP you have awesome costumes. How about you, uh, come to my house and, uh, maybe make costumes for, uh, me?

  49. On October 23rd, 2009 at 8:09 am MoranChick Says:

    Hee! Love to! *grumblegrumblestupiddistancegrumble* I haven’t done Halloween costumes in years. Yet another thing to look forward to with having kids!

    Ooh, now you’ve got me reminiscing about other Halloween costumes, too. When my sister and I were very young (maybe preschool and second grade, respectively), our mother sewed us monkey and penguin costumes, with full head masks, presumably from a pattern. I got to be the penguin, complete with a stuffed felt beak and everything. (I think my sister wore that one again a few years later.) That may or may not be the same year my cousins (the Mona Lisa and her older sister) went as a dog (my older cousin’s favorite stuffed toy) and a banana, both made by their mom. We had talented moms when it came to costumes! And one year, fifth grade or so, my mom made me a harem dancer costume, which would have been cooler if the bodice didn’t have to be sewn onto a tan turtleneck, both for the sake of modesty and the fact that October can be bloody cold in New England. My mom did a lot of costume-making for us as kids, now that I think of it. Never once did we have a store-bought one. Pretty cool.

    A good friend of mine who has 9-month-old twin boys wanted to dress them up this year as a pirate and a ninja, but couldn’t find reasonably priced costumes; I’m not sure what she’s planning on doing, but one of her thoughts when the original plan fell through was to just dress them normally and say they were going as each other. That just cracked me the heck up.

    We wanted to decorate our new house for Halloween this year, but my brother-in-law is getting married. At our house. On Halloween. So, no-go. Oh well. Next year we’ll do it.

  50. On October 23rd, 2009 at 11:52 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Moran Chick your friend dressing her twins up as each other is BRILLIANT.

  51. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:07 pm Tawnia Says:

    I have an iphone and my 8year old has to show me how to use it. I am so old and lame 🙂 As for facebook I can’t do that until I master Twitter!
    Love Tawnia

  52. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:13 pm Betty M Says:

    Never had one Brits never did Halloween when I was a kid so I never had a costume. We made effigies of people to burn at stakes on Nov 5 instead.

  53. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:59 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Betty M. Now THAT is pretty fun. Were they effigies of real people?

  54. On October 21st, 2009 at 3:54 pm Betty M Says:

    Technically they were supposed to be of Guy Fawkes who tried to blow up Parliament in err 16something. Just looked like scarecrows mostly.

  55. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:25 pm Joanna Says:

    I’ve worn so many costumes I’ve forgotten some of them, but one of my favorites was two years ago when I found a bright turquoise dress from the 80’s that actually belonged to Vanna White. I became Miss Rhode Island 1985 in that dress, and I still try to figure out how to make it appropriate for daily wear. Check it!
    This year I’m going to be a lame-o nurse, but the man is going to be the Operation Game Guy, which should be a big hit.

  56. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:00 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Joanna You look GORGEOUS. You should probably be fined for looking that good on Halloween.

  57. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:27 pm Nido Says:

    Easiest costume EVER…box of cornflakes and a cap gun.

    Serial killer

    Easy to drink and dance in!

  58. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Nido, that’s pure genius right there.

  59. On October 22nd, 2009 at 8:52 am Coco Says:

    “I’m a serial killer. They look just like everyone else.”

    I had to say it. I HAD to.

  60. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:35 pm Heather Says:

    My best costume ever was the year of the dragonfly. I got home after school on Trick Or Treat night and STILL didn’t have a costume. My mom tore apart my Aunt’s green belly dancing costume and tore the wings off of a dragonfly paper thing my stepbrother bought in China, painted my eyes with all of the groovarific eye shadows she had at her disposal in the 80’s and poof, I was a dragonfly.

    One year I was The Tinman, which took lots of labor and planning but the dragonfly wins because it was the most rockin last-minute costume of all time.

  61. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Heather, now that is a sweet costume.

  62. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm Belle Says:

    Old age and paranoia go together very nicely. As Nel said, the best costume EVER hasn’t actually happened yet… you’ll see…. pictures of Reno 911 coming… November 1st. If we’re not too hungover to use the computer.

  63. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Belle, since I will not be hungover, you better be. I can wait. Not patiently, but still.

  64. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:39 pm Aunt Juicebox Says:

    The best costume ever was the year my mom cut eye holes out of a sheet, and made me a ghost costume. Only instead of a white sheet, it was purplish-blue floral, 1970’s style. Very ghost like. Not.

  65. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Aunt Juicebox, I bet you got extra candy that year.

  66. On October 21st, 2009 at 1:42 pm Kelly Says:

    In 1999, I was Monica Lewinsky, skanky “stained” blue dress, beret, and a garder belt with cigars sewn on it, it was my “humidor.”

  67. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kelly, that’s clever!

  68. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:00 pm carlynn Says:

    You cannot be more technically challenged than me!

    My Halloween costumes have been pretty lame. I usually go as a witch. I do have a great purple velvet hat, though. I would wear it to work I love it so much. Actually I might wear it to work …

  69. On October 21st, 2009 at 3:15 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    My all time fave was the year that I was Buddah. I wore a flesh colored turtle neck, stuffed it with a pillow, drew on a set of man boobs and a navel and wore a pair of harem pants way down below my pillow belly. Then I snapped on a bald cap and Bob’s yer uncle – Buddah. Sad thing is that today I don’t need the pillow.

  70. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:49 pm Kat Says:

    My favorite was my She-ra costume I made (and still have and wear) about 5 yrs ago. Last year, I went as Cheer Bear, a costume I made for my then husband. This year, I’m making my Greyhound a cheerleader costume. It’s a good thing my dog loves me!

  71. On October 21st, 2009 at 2:57 pm Melanie Says:

    You made me laugh at work. Out loud. In a business office. haha. Great post.

    I LOVE Halloween. I can never pick a favorite costume, though. That would be something akin to picking a favorite flavor of ice cream.

  72. On October 21st, 2009 at 3:03 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    As kids, we had to make our own costumes because our parents wouldn’t buy us the fancy store-bought ones (cue violins). A lot of times, we either went as “punk rockers” or “babies.”

    This year, I’m gonna be a housewife. Since money’s tight, I’m just slapping on a vintage apron, putting a kerchief on my head, and grabbing a wooden spoon for my pocket. I really wish I hadn’t missed my window of opportunity on the sexy costumes. DAMN!

  73. On October 21st, 2009 at 3:03 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    Let’s see. I dressed up as Barbie once. Long blonde wig, silver platform shoes, and a groovy pink shiny dress. I actually got hired to work some little girl’s birthday too!

  74. On October 21st, 2009 at 4:45 pm Chris Says:

    The year I turned 21 I decided to enter a bar Halloween contest. I brilliantly decided on being a bag of jelly beans. I bought a fleah colored leotard and tights, donned a huge clear plastic garbage bag and filled it with a gazillion tiny colored balloons.

    Let’s just say that by the end of the evening all of my balloons were popped by drunken pervs, some drunk had set my bag on fire and I roamed around the bar in a drunken haze with torn tights answering to the name “The Courtney Love of Naked Chicks.”

    The next year I hung a knife impaled cereal box around my neck and called myself a cereal killer. What?! At least I was no longer Naked Chick!

  75. On October 21st, 2009 at 6:39 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    I dressed up as Pee Wee Herman when I was 12.

  76. On October 21st, 2009 at 6:03 pm Dawn Says:

    Ah! My Favourite Costume… was also the easiest. Last minute invite to a Halloween party. What to do? The kids were big enough that their costumes worked for me. I chose the one from “Scream” – black hooded caftan-style thingy with the big white mask. Which, I discovered, looks REALLY spooky if you tilt your head to the side very, very, very s-l-o-w-l-y…

    I went to my friends’ house and refused to speak. In reality, I was looking for the hostess and wanted to do the head tilt thingy first before I identified myself. Unbeknownest to me, she had died her hair red (was a blond) and had it teased all crazy-like as part of a witch costume. So… I couldn’t find her.

    While I was wandering around through the party looking for her (big house, lots of guests, took a while), people kept asking her husband who the heck that creepy non-speaking person was. He finally came up to me and said, in a very stern tone, “Okay, WHO ARE YOU??!” I think he was genuinely scared, which was particularly funny as I’m 5’2″ and he’s 6’4″ and a former football player. He could squat me in a second. I growled, “Where’s Wife’s Name?” and he pointed her out. Once I’d done my head tilt, I tipped the mask back and they all laughed like sillies, because I am pretty harmless. Of course, with the mask on, I could have been any crazy and armed, for all they knew.

    Later that night, I was awarded the prize for scariest costume.

  77. On October 21st, 2009 at 7:06 pm Sharon Says:

    My daughter says I should go as Velma from Scooby Doo because I look like her. (Old school Velma from the cartoons.) Do I laugh or cry?

  78. On October 21st, 2009 at 7:04 pm Becca Says:

    I am going as the harried mother of a flower girl… to a WEDDING. I do not kid my friend. I am going to a wedding on Halloween with alllll 4 of my children by myself!!! ;(

  79. On October 21st, 2009 at 8:09 pm Lola Says:

    There’s no way I can choose my fave, since I’m all about the costumes and the Halloween parties, but the nasty Amy Winehouse costume was pretty awesome with the rats-nest beehive, the drawn-on tats my husband did that matched hers exactly and the faux bruises and hypodermics hanging off my arms. I won $300 for staggering around getting wasted with that one!!!

    This year, I’m June Cleavage, and the husband is Ward. We’re having fun with those.

  80. On October 21st, 2009 at 7:34 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I do not know how, and granted, there’s probably a website that would explain it, but I’m not allowed to search for it, but I think it’s possible my husband traveled back in time and is actually your father, because what you have described sounds exactly like him!

    Hey! That potentially makes me your mother! Let me hold those grandbabies!

  81. On October 21st, 2009 at 9:10 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    I’m not usually much for Halloween costumes, but this one year…. My freshman year, I had these crazy-religious roommates. Every day was a Bible study. I mean, literally. I had just discovered the magic of fake IDs and the way cleavage works to create free beer, and these two were going to save me. By mid-October, I had been invited to roughly 197,463 events at their church, and no matter how rude the refusal, THEY KEPT ASKING.

    It was becoming an endurance contest. Could I refuse so often they’d stop asking? Hmmm…. So, when they asked me to go to the Halloween party with them, I accepted, as long as they didn’t mind if I just met them at the church. Bet you can guess what I went as! Yup, I went as a hooker. 5″ heels, fishnets, short shorts with the black lace panties hanging out below the hem of the shorts, see-thru white shirt with the black lace bra underneath. (Of COURSE I wore a bra. It was a church, after all.)

    The youth minister suggested that I might be more comfortable at another party. Or at home. (He restrained himself from suggesting ‘standing on a street corner.’) I’m not sure whether he was more upset by the outfit, or by the fact that I kept introducing myself as Mary Magdalene.

    But my roommates requested new room assignments on Monday. 🙂

  82. On October 21st, 2009 at 8:20 pm smh1056 Says:

    So, I was 5 months preggers, but looked more like 8 & I had the Spaceballs diner alien (straw hat & cane included) popping out of my belly.

  83. On October 21st, 2009 at 9:16 pm Stone Fox Says:

    maybe your dad has naked sexy pictures of himself on his puter.

    old man balls.


    old man balls that are related to you.


    old man balls that are related to you and also MADE YOU.


  84. On October 21st, 2009 at 9:20 pm Karyn Says:

    When I was in 3rd grade, I was a punk rocker. I had the purply-red plastic punky jacket, lace gloves with the fingers cut out, and my hair sprayed into a mohawk with that glitter stuff they sell for halloween. That year was the year of the homemade costumes, as my next sister was a bunch of grapes, the younger girl was a crayon, and my brother was a pencil. The grapes? Purple outfit, with a bunch of balloons glued to it. Crayon and Pencil were done out of posterboard. *grins* We had a halloween parade at school, and TOTALLY thought we were hot shit.

  85. On October 21st, 2009 at 10:53 pm Allie Bear Says:

    I’m not going to say it was my favorite but if I had a picture of it I would feel obligated to show it because it was so awful. I was in 5th grade I believe and my mother decided to pick out my costume for me while I was at school one day. She said it was “so unique” which should have made me say no right away but turns out I didn’t really have a choice. It was a shower! Seriously, it had a blow up ring that went on my shoulders and a curtain that fell to my feet, then a blow up shower head extended from the blow up ring and pointed right over my head. I’d have to say, still to this day, one of the geekiest costumes I’ve ever seen.

  86. On October 22nd, 2009 at 12:43 am Karmell Says:

    My favorite couples costume was the year my soon-to-be husband and I raided the costume shop I worked at, and he was a white rabbit and I was a giant carrot. I ran around the party shouting “Eat ME, Eat ME!” Only drag about the costume was that you couldn’t sit down in it (had to kneel, causing all sorts of lewd comments…) and in order to go to the bathroom you had to have someone undo the velcro in the back of the carrot and back you into the bathroom stall, and then do you back up again. Getting on the streetcar was hysterical, especially as our friend made his own Gumby costume, but didn’t figure on bending his knees, so we had to lift/drag him onto the streetcar. Good fun.

  87. On October 22nd, 2009 at 12:59 am TJ Says:

    Only slightly ashamed to admit that part of my desire to have a kid stems from finally getting some leverage on my mother.

  88. On October 22nd, 2009 at 4:11 am Erin Says:

    *sigh* I thought I was original. I had a white shirt with a bunch of those mini cereal boxes glued to it. Each one had its own utensil (knife, fork, spork) sticking out of it with fake blood-a-runnin’…. Cereal Killer. I thought I was the shite. NO ONE got it. NO ONE. T’was a sad Halloween. But I maintain that it was COOL!!!

  89. On October 22nd, 2009 at 7:11 am Suzie Says:

    My favorite: A bag of jelly beans (a clear trash bag, hundreds of balloons, a sign that said Jelly Beans (with some obscure price) and tights.

    Second favorite: A shower curtain. I was sick as a dog on Halloween and my sister (who normally hated me) hooked up two wire hangers and put a shower curtain on them and put on a big ass bathrobe and slippers and went around with my picture and got candy for me.

  90. On October 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 am Trista Says:

    In high school I had a boyfriend who loved Halloween almost as much as I do, so one year we went as Macbeth & Lady Macbeth, and the following year we were Cleopatra & Caesar – we put a lot of work into the costumes and they turned out really well (I even got my jock boyfriend in bloomers for Macbeth). A couple of years ago a talented seamstress friend of mine whipped up an amazing costume for me – Little Red Riding Ho. Short red frilly skirt, pleather bustier, long red hooded cloak, basket. Awesome.

  91. On October 22nd, 2009 at 8:35 am The Mommy Says:

    When I was a junior in high school I went as a can-can dancer – complete with fishnet stockings. My good friend was “famous” for her scavanger hunts that she would coordinate as part of her parties. My team consisted of me (in the above-mentioned costume) and a guy friend dressed as a monk. We stopped in a Burger King to pick up one of the items on the list and an old lady turned to her husband and said, “Look, dear, it’s a hooker!” Did I mention I was with a monk?

  92. On October 22nd, 2009 at 8:48 am Bex Says:

    My mother, bless her, worked a million hours a week but still found the time to make us kick-ass Halloween costumes. One year I was a southern belle, another year I was an angel (complete with wings and a halo). But my favorite was when I was a rubick’s cube. You can see it on my blog, I’ve Halloweenified it and there I am in all my rubick’s glory. My mom is awesome.

  93. On October 22nd, 2009 at 9:28 am tysdaddy Says:

    When I was a big fat guy, I took a white t-shirt, painted some swaths of dark brown on the front and back, took two squares of cardboard and positioned them sandwich-style on the front and back, and went out as a s’more. People loved it . . .

  94. On October 22nd, 2009 at 9:29 am Kendra Says:

    Probably my favorite costume ever was Super Kendra. I was a sophomore in college, and I had just discovered alcohol. So that year, my friend supplied me with all the acoutrements to be Super Kendra–a long black skirt and short black halter top, a metal trash can lid with a magazine collage filling the inside of it, a headband with star antennae on it, and a noisemaker. I started the evening announcing to everyone that I was Super Kendra! By the end, I answered the question, “What are you?” with “Drunk! Oh, and Super Kendra.”

    I also have a very fond memory of being Smurfette, in the plastic costume complete with the mask with little holes in it that you couldn’t actually see out of. And one year, in gradeschool, I was an angel. I had cardboard wings spraypainted gold, held on with string, and my “robe” was made out of a sheet. My mom convinced me that angels’ robes were supposed to come down well past their hands, and they were supposed to be covered in a yellow flowered pattern.

  95. On October 22nd, 2009 at 10:00 am Ashley Says:

    Last year, Erf, Erflet and I went as Fred, Daphne and Scooby Doo. It was awesome. I hand-sewed Erf’s ascot, and then ironed it with my flat iron. Ghetto style, yo. I have also been a cat (I can do amazing things with eyeshadow and eyeliner), a beaten wife (same as above, but with blood red lipstick to simulate my bloody lip), Britney Spears… I think I’ll be a beaten-up person again this year, because Erflet is going as a ninja. And it’ll coordinate. 😉

  96. On October 22nd, 2009 at 10:55 am Melissa Says:

    3 years ago I did the whole “dead head on a platter complete with tablescape with wine glasses, plates of fruit, spider webs and flies.” It was teh awesome but kinda heavy.

    I have done the witch costume complete with warts, green face, prosthetic nose & chin. I sat on our front porch in a rocking chair that year and scared the crap out of the kids… good time!

    I am WAY more creative with the kid’s costumes!
    One year, my hubbs wanted a Santa Clause costume (yes, he IS built just like him!) so I sewed that, and the kids went out with him dressed as a giant present, and Santa’s sack!

  97. On October 22nd, 2009 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Melissa You are putting me to shame, woman. My kids are costumed from Pottery Barn Kids.

  98. On October 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 pm Melissa Says:

    meh… that’s the only year i did anything really creative since I had the second one… it was WAY easier to sew and shit when there was only one!

  99. On October 23rd, 2009 at 10:29 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Melissa I don’t know how I wipe my ass these days. WAIT do I? EW.

  100. On October 22nd, 2009 at 9:58 pm Polprav Says:

    Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?

  101. On October 23rd, 2009 at 5:11 am Rija Says:

    Love your writing- hilarious…new to your spot. Found a bedazzled iphone cover and thought I’d share:

  102. On October 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Rija *squee* That iPhone cover is awesome! Thanks!

  103. On October 25th, 2009 at 12:15 am Melissa Says:

    I don’t believe it. I actually sewed again this year after swearing I wouldn’t. Looks like I will be Marie Antoinette (well if she was overweight and actually lived to see her 38th birthday (oh wait… I am just over 2 weeks away from mine… uh oh!) Photos coming soon!

  104. On October 25th, 2009 at 6:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Melissa I cannot wait to see pictures of you as Marie Antoinette! Gonna be freaking HOT.

  105. On October 25th, 2009 at 7:18 pm Melissa Says:

    well that’s debatable, but I am having fun with this costume! The truly creepy part is that I just found out yesterday that she was beheaded 2-1/2 weeks before her 38th bday… EXACTLY the same age I will be on Halloween!

  106. On October 31st, 2009 at 10:01 pm Melissa Says:

    Aunt Becky… pix are up on Flickr!

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