Mommy Wants Vodka

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Knotty* By Nature


*If you didn’t get it, I was making a reference to the SEA, Pranksters by referencing knots, which I think are some sort of sea thingy, or maybe they’re actually not. I could be referring to DON KNOTS who isn’t from the sea, I don’t think. He could be a Poseidon for all I fucking know. I’m still half tripping from the Dramamine, which should come with the label “WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP, BITCHES.”

I want a sandwich. And a snowcone. Actually, I want a snowcone sandwich.

Anyway, so I am back from my cruise and let me tell you that it was FULL of the awesome. Technically, it was a WORKING vacation, and Angie and I have come up with a fantastic idea which I will reveal tomorrow when the walls stop moving and I stop walking into my dogs.

So we were on a motherfucking boat wearing our flippy-flops, with apologies AND accolades to T-Pain, which is sort of like a traveling NASCAR fan hotel with all of the assorted classiness and hilarity that went along with it. I’m telling you that people watching cannot be better anywhere.

I got my first decent massage AND my first taste of true bad taste on the trip.

The massage was by a British woman and she was alarmed by the state of my stress level (an 8)(what, is that bad?) and the state of my back. Apparently, it was all kinds of tight and wound up and that’s apparently bad. Pretty much, she said that I would die unless I got more regular massages and stopped being so stressed out and maybe took better care of myself.

I tried to interject with “does Vicodin count as a stress reliever?” but then she sort of laid on my back with her elbows and I wept in pain and couldn’t speak. Or I could, but it would be a scream. I tried to make her tell me that my back was “knotty” so that she’d say something like, “Oooh, Rebecca, you KNOTTY girl,” and maybe then smack me around, but no such luck.

Just more of the elbows and threats of reducing my stress or “death.” WhatEVER.

The ship wasn’t exactly decorated from this era. In fact, it’s pretty much the LAST sort of decor that you want to see if you’re drunk and/or seasick, but it’s pretty much full of the hilarious. Brightly patterned carpets and brass and wall paper and colors! every! where!

It’s going to be vintage soon.

The worst place that I found was this: a HAND bar. I want whatever they were smoking when they decided that THIS was a great concept for a bar, because it had to be strong.

So you’re walking down the way and you see THIS:

Two giant hands. I assumed, nail salon. TACKY nail salon, but nail salon. Nope. The strains of a bad keyboard player ministering to a group of cougars wafted out and I could make out “My Girl.” Badly.

I was intrigued.

THAT is over the bar. I cannot impart how scary that looks. It’s a gigantic hand. Over the bar. What. The. Fuck.

The horrible keyboard player belts out shitty songs and drunken cougars vie for his attention and suddenly I’m horrified AND embarrassed.

The wall is home to the handprints of his conquests? OR VICTIMS…

The fingers wave creepily as I back out of the bar, happy to have escaped with my hands intact.

I’ll never listen to “My Girl” the same way again.

78 Comments to

“Knotty* By Nature”

  1. On May 17th, 2010 at 9:31 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Well, Don Knotts played a fish in that movie, or a man who became a fish, or a fish who had bad vision so wore glasses – my childhood memories are a little fuzzy, kinda like if I’d had some dramamine, but only because my brain decided to learn all the words to the first two Spice Girls albums and chuck all that useless kid stuff. Though that’ll totally be worth it when either the Spice Girls become huge again or the ghost of Ed McMahon knocks on my door with some weird combination of a sweepstakes and Don’t Forget the Lyrics, pop girl group edition. I’m sorry, why was I talking about Don Knotts again?

  2. On May 17th, 2010 at 9:56 am amber Says:

    I often think there should be a “People of Walmart” type site devoted to cruise ship passengers… top notch people watching, for sure.

    Glad you had a good time…scary hand bar or no!

  3. On May 17th, 2010 at 8:51 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    The level of Awesome we witnessed is so palpable, I’m pretty sure people felt it on land.

  4. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:01 am Elly Lou Says:

    PS the stools look like tampons. That makes it all better, right?

  5. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:07 am Chelle Says:

    Did you notice that all the hand prints in the bathroom are all the exact same shape? They used a stencil for the hands? Really? Where’s the love?!

  6. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:07 am angryworkingmom Says:

    What cruise line were you on? The S.S. Scaryass?

    The fingers pointing up around the bar are my favorite part! Who the hell designed that and more importantly when?

    Glad you took amount of story telling could have depicted that!

  7. On May 17th, 2010 at 9:31 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    holy crap that is fuh-reaky! Unattached hands creep me the eff out. Like Thing from the The Addams Family. I get the shakes seeing him scuttle across the floor. *shudder*

  8. On May 17th, 2010 at 9:33 am Sarah P Says:

    Those fingers around the bar look threatening, like, “I dare you to sit on this stool. I swear I won’t jam a giant, pointy fingernail in your bumhole, if you do.”

  9. On May 17th, 2010 at 9:35 am Edathomedad Says:

    I can’t believe that’s actually real. I think I will have a nightmare involving this very scene pictured above. What might make it a bit scarier is if a guy in a faux tuxedo shirt and sporting a mullet was in one of the frames.

  10. On May 17th, 2010 at 9:42 am Mandi Bone Says:

    Sounds like a great time. I took a cruise for college. It was for college credit. It was a great time.

  11. On May 17th, 2010 at 8:50 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    Apparently, you went to the GREATEST COLLEGE IN THE WORLD.

  12. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:02 am Maria Says:

    Uhm, that shiz makes me feel seasick and I’m sitting on my couch.

  13. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:07 am Jessica Says:

    Holy shizz. I thought that cruise ships were classy and pretty! That is bargain basement crap they picked up when the local nail school went out of business. Damn.

  14. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:08 am Melissa Says:

    Ok, finger bar stools? That is some scary stuff. Its all sorts of perverted.

  15. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:19 am Tweets that mention Knotty* By Nature | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Toy With Me, Aunt Becky. Aunt Becky said: Dramamine should come with a "THIS WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP" label: […]

  16. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:20 am Andrea Says:

    Oh my good god. A hand bar? What the? I don’t want to get fingered WHILE I’m getting drunk, thankyouverymuch. I’d rather wait until after I get slammed.

  17. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:26 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    OMG! That is incredibly freaky! I’ve been on cruises and have never encountered anything like that.

    Because seriously, that would make my cruise stories much more interesting.

  18. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:31 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Okay, traumatized. Seriously.

    BUT SO GLAD YOU EXPERIENCED A GOOD MASSAGE! Hurray for an LMT that knows what she was doing!

  19. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:45 am Kristy Says:

    Wow, scary indeed. Must have felt like you had already taken a couple of vicodin just walking into the place! My friend recently got back from a cruise and was dizzy for a couple of weeks!

  20. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:46 am Jennifer B Says:

    Wow. Just wow. That bar is so freaky, I don’t even know what to say. I went on a cruise, and while it was a bit garishly decorated and cheesy, it does not even come close to whatever you would call THAT. I think I may have nightmares too. . But massage, okay, NOW we’re talkin!!!!! Any trip that involves a massage instantly becomes an awesome vacation. I’m now jealous again. Can’t wait to hear your big idea. 🙂

  21. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:50 am Jenn Says:

    Too bad he wasn’t playing “I Want to Hold Your Hand” instead.

  22. On May 17th, 2010 at 10:54 am a Says:

    Niiiiice! But you should get more massages, I think.

    I agree with Elly Lou – the stools do look like tampons!

  23. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:02 am bashtree Says:

    welcome back welcome back!!

    that hand bar? TOTALLY creepy. I might have nightmares about it.

  24. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:06 am MrsDuffy Says:

    Ooh, my friends and I were on that boat (or a very similar one) about 10 years ago. I remember the hand bar well. We thought the overall decor was just like we envisioned things to look like in a Jackie Collins novel.

  25. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:08 am April Says:

    Maybe the bar was decorated by Dexter’s brother. You know, before Dexter killed him and all.

    Glad you had a good time!!! 🙂

  26. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:18 am toywithme Says:

    That’s one motherfucking boat!

  27. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:23 am Caron Says:

    The hand bar is all sorts of funky and frightening. Best laugh all day! Thanks and I’m glad you are safely home.

  28. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:23 am Kristin Says:

    I think that bar would give me nightmares.

    Welcome home.

  29. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:23 am kalakly Says:

    Give’s a whole new meaning to ‘hand job’….yikes.

  30. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:25 am Dora Says:

    That bar!!! O!M!G!

    It’s creepy and it’s kooky,
    Mysterious and spooky,
    It’s all together ooky!

  31. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:28 am Nancy C Says:

    I just had my first good massage too! She told me I needed to have them every month. Hmm….sounds like a massage pyramid scheme to me.

  32. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:31 am mumma boo Says:

    You took a cruise to the Twilight Zone, didn’t you? Holy crap, I would have headed for the nearest lifeboat.

  33. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:38 am Chris in PHX Says:

    WTF were they thinking?? I have a “leg lamp” from Christmas Story in my living room so Im down with crazy stuff just for the hell of it, but thats a little over the line, even for me….wow

  34. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:47 am Sam Says:

    And I thought *my* cruise ship (at its bargain basement rate) was full of brass and bad patterns. I’ve never seen such a scary cruise bar. Not even when I was chased by the strange Phillipino staff because I was the only woman under 65.

  35. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:51 am CycleNinja Says:

    I’m thinking of the “helping hands” scene from “The Labyrinth.” Yeah, first-class weird.

  36. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:58 pm Dot Says:

    Perhaps the idea was to ease the pain of getting groped there? Bwahaha.

  37. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:12 pm Nic Says:

    holy shit that is weird!

  38. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:13 pm JackiPati Says:

    BINGO! Nail Salon. Would have been WAY better.

  39. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Kelly Says:

    At least they weren’t trying to fist you, I guess. Scary hands. Very scary.

  40. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:29 pm MommyLisa Says:

    I will have nightmares.

  41. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:43 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    Dude I feel like I am on acid or something when I look at these pictures- of maybe like I’ve had 6 drinks (which I mean come it’s 3pm, I only had 3 drinks). Wow I am surprised that they don’t have suicide prevention pamphlets after people leave that place.

  42. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Blanche Says:

    it reminds me of the bar in clockwork orange…..there were giant hands to sit on and plastic molds of girls on their hands and knees for coffee tables. can’t beat the food on the cruise tho and the booze…..

  43. On May 17th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:

    I know I took a muscle relaxer a few minutes ago, but really, this is legit? I’m totally thinking I am just hallucinating it. Can we just pretend that it really is just one big Flexeril induced hallucination?

  44. On May 17th, 2010 at 1:44 pm Heather (qtberryhead) Says:

    Obviously I’m not doing enough drugs.

  45. On May 17th, 2010 at 1:47 pm Alex@LateEnough Says:

    At least it wasn’t feet. Because feet are gross. Or butts. Butts should never get that big. Although making the butt-print wall would’ve been an AWESOME icebreaker for the crew.

    Welcome home.

  46. On May 17th, 2010 at 2:25 pm Sarah Says:

    My concern is that it appears to be only RIGHT hands on the wall…. 😉

    I agree – a butt print wall would have been awesome!

  47. On May 17th, 2010 at 2:46 pm Rebecca Says:

    The only thing I can think about is the fingers all around the bar and that is creepy and it makes me want to cover up my girly bits because ……I think those fingers might like touching girly parts and that makes me worried.

  48. On May 17th, 2010 at 2:47 pm Rebecca Says:

    Oh yeah….I am sure you have TONS of reading to do, but if you look through my blog and find The Autistic Boy and read that post….I think you might like it……….

  49. On May 17th, 2010 at 2:58 pm meredith Says:

    That bar should be on a show called “Tackiest Places Ever”. Tacky could describe it as well as… Scariest Bar, Bad Fetish Bar, What you might find in your Wendy’s chili Bar. Shudder. It is just horrible and I really think the designer should have their credentials stripped. Actually there is no way a designer with any credentials designed that place. Bad, Bad, Bad. Funny but Bad.

  50. On May 17th, 2010 at 3:14 pm gaylin Says:

    seriously weird
    alcohol would be necessary . . .

  51. On May 17th, 2010 at 4:18 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Bona fide creepy.

  52. On May 17th, 2010 at 3:28 pm Mwa Says:

    That is the WORST bar EVER! Good to have you back.

  53. On May 17th, 2010 at 3:31 pm Angie Says:

    Welcome back, Aunt Becky, dear!
    I’m delighted to know you like Florida (which is where I live) and that you would want to be adopted by us except for our tea, which is more or less like saying you want to be adopted by Parisians except for their wine (um, no thank you, I don’t care for your interesting [read appalling] local drink). But these small things are no obstacle and we have initiated adoption procedures. I’ll have your room ready in no time!

    My only regret? That I was not with you in the nightmarish piano bar, and that it was another Angie with whom you cooked up your genius idea. Oh, well, I’ll just go paint over those handprints in your new room….

  54. On May 17th, 2010 at 8:53 pm Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:



  55. On May 17th, 2010 at 4:51 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    I’m so glad you had a good time. The only time I ever went on a cruise I was pretty much horrified the entire time and as far as I know, there wasn’t even a hand-bar. Whoa! Hand Bar!
    I just kept wandering around thinking, “These are not my people. These are not my people,” and being afraid that they would recognize that and refuse to feed me or something.
    It was bad. Even though there was no Hand Bar.

  56. On May 17th, 2010 at 4:01 pm Dawn Says:

    Whoa. Dude. That is very freaky decor. I do NOT want to know what they were smoking when they a) came up with the idea, b) found someone who would approve it, c) found someone to build it.

  57. On May 17th, 2010 at 6:00 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Can’t sleep… fingers’ll probe me.

    Can’t sleep… fingers’ll probe me.

  58. On May 17th, 2010 at 6:34 pm pattypunker Says:

    oh becky, you are knotty by nature. *wink*

  59. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:24 pm meagan Says:

    I have passed along the versatile blogger award to you. Check it out! From the May 17th post. xoxo

    Side note: they trick u with that fun in the sun propaganda then, hand bar :::record srtach::: wtf are you still having nightmares.

  60. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:35 pm Lauren Says:

    That is the scariest place I’ve ever seen.

  61. On May 17th, 2010 at 11:50 pm GingerB Says:

    This must be why I’d rather have a beach vacation then take a cruise. Glad none of those fingers got ya.

  62. On May 18th, 2010 at 1:05 am Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    I would have stolen the middle finger and totally rode it like a unicorn all over the ship.

    Jesus girls, CLEARLY you need me around to show you how to do things right.

  63. On May 18th, 2010 at 5:36 am dg @ diaryofamadbath Says:

    Tack O Rama! That’s a place that you visit with Hunter S Thompson while high on mushrooms.

  64. On May 18th, 2010 at 7:02 am Gadgerson Says:

    Sounds like you had an interesting time…glad you escaped bad lounge singer with creepy hand fetish dude, and made it home safely…welcome home!

  65. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:49 am Wombat Central Says:

    I’m picturing little finger-shaped swizzle sticks in drinks. Just disturbing.

  66. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OOOH! I should have bought a $10 drink to see!

  67. On May 18th, 2010 at 8:55 am Capn John Says:

    Talk about inducing a severe case of Handophobia! Those pictures are freaky just as small 6″ pics on my screen. I can’t imagine what they looked like IRL…and I don’t want to, either! *shudders*

  68. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, it was SO SCARY. You’d laugh, but then you had to make sure they weren’t WATCHING you. GAH.

  69. On May 18th, 2010 at 8:58 am carrie meadows Says:

    That’s the creepiest, cheesiest bar I’ve seen in awhile.

  70. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was SO creepy! Especially with all the cougars lined up.

  71. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:26 am Jennifer June Says:

    Feels like the set of a Movie that Johnny Depp would star in, dressed as a creepy bar tender/children’s television show host. The kind that makes you feel weird about ever having thought of him during special alone time…. I think.. I mean I would imagine.. that it might make somebody feel that way… hypothetically.

  72. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! But you’re right! It’s STRAIGHT out of a fucked-up kids TV show.

  73. On May 18th, 2010 at 12:11 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    That is creepy, so I am going to with “victims”

  74. On May 18th, 2010 at 9:28 pm Kristi Dorson Says:

    dear gods the hand bar i’ll never sleep again o.0

  75. On May 19th, 2010 at 12:58 am baseballmom Says:

    at least they weren’t eyeballs!

  76. On May 19th, 2010 at 6:29 pm statia Says:

    That’s so old school, that it’s practically in style again.

  77. On May 21st, 2010 at 8:09 pm Megan Says:

    I don’t think I will ever be the same again! And…it makes me re-think EVER taking a cruise. EVER. Ever, ever, ever!


  78. On June 1st, 2010 at 7:47 am Kendra Says:

    That bar is the most horrifying place I’ve ever seen. I expect it to show up on an episode of CSI any day now.

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