Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Kind Of Like Richard Simmons But Without The Afro


2: Copies of “Build Me Up, Buttercup” that I now own.

1: IMPOSTOR copy of “Build Me Up, Buttercup,” that I unwittingly bought from iTunes like the moron that I am, making me angrily stamp my feet and mope about the house for being duped.

89: Golden Oldies in my collection.

Infinity: amount of shit I get for jamming out with my clam out to The Golden Oldies.

0: Times I have hit up the Blue Plate Special, despite my predisposition for Music That Brings Me Back to A Gentler Time.

0: Times I have hit up BINGO at the Old Folks home, despite listening to the Supremes croon on about their “Love Child.”

2: Teenage Death Songs in my collection of Golden Oldies.

2: Teenage Death Songs I used to sing as lullabies to my eldest son.

72,073,071,746: times I’ve wondered if that somehow warped him.

5: Members of my family who have succumbed to The Death Flu Round eleventy-five

3: degrees of fever I currently have.

98,746: Times I wondered if I could sue my children–and be victorious–for being demon germ factories.

1: Odd nomination for Hot Blogger Calendar.

28,975,757: times wondered if this was some sort of practical joke.

28,975,757: times decided this is THE BEST practical joke, EVER. SO VOTE, YO. It’s for charity.

0: Bloggies won.

1: Nobel Prize For Awesomeness awarded to self, BY self.

1: Nobel Prize For Awesomeness awarded to each of YOU for being awesome and helping me with my book sign up. (you should get your chapter this weekend, yo)

74: unread copies of The New Yorker, leading me to believe it’s time to cancel the motherhumping subscription already and go back to reading Highlights for Kids.

9: Uncrustables eaten this week.

12: Times I’ve wondered if I was going to get scurvy for living off Uncrustables and edamame.

12: Times I’ve wondered if I really cared because then it meant that I could legitimately talk like a pirate.

55 Comments to

“Kind Of Like Richard Simmons But Without The Afro”

  1. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:26 pm Melissa @MBonn Says:

    I used to sing Build Me up, Buttercup to my husband when we first started dating and after a few weeks he asked me what I was singing. I almost died. Then I immediately went about schooling him in music.

  2. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See, I’m not sure I could stand that. But then again, Dave listens to the WHINIEST emo music ON THE PLANET. So, you know, there’s that. Opposites attract.

  3. On March 5th, 2010 at 6:14 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Two steps forward, two steps back. Why yes, I did just quote Paula Abdul. You’re welcome.

  4. On March 5th, 2010 at 7:57 pm Paul Lundgren Says:

    And on that note (har!), whatever happened to the career of MC Scat Cat, anyway?

  5. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:28 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Is ‘clam’ metaphorical for outer labia in this instance?
    Inquiring minds….

  6. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Of course it is, lover.

  7. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:38 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Oh good. Really, what’s sweatin’ to the oldies without Aunt Becky’s chonch on display?

    I love you.

  8. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The more people think about my vagina, the better life is.

  9. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:29 pm Kori Says:

    BWAHAHHHHAAAA-I actually know some of those songs by heart (and really, is one of the Teen Death Lullabies “Teen Angel,” because if it isn’t, it sure should be).

    And I hate uncrustables because, well, eew, so I don’t know if you can like me anymore.

    BUT: I did sign up for the book pre-pre-ordering thing, so maybe that makes up for it.

  10. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You don’t have to love Uncrustables, my friend. I love you just the same.

  11. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:35 pm Elly Lou Says:

    The pile of New Yorkers is the biggest “thing” in my apartment. It’s taller than my frickin’ floor lamp. Sadly, I have no problem blazing through my Us Weekly. Bring on the Boone’s Farm and the Bedazzler. I yam what I yam.

  12. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My issue with The New Yorker is this: sometimes? I LOVE IT. Other times, it makes me WEEP with boredom.

  13. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:39 pm Joanna Says:

    Love that Hot Blogger calender idea, but I want to actually see it IN PRINT, so I can write out my OB/GYN appointments under faces of people I admire and respect.

    And go to town on the Uncrustables, it could be the edamame that could come back to bite you in the ass:

  14. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:45 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yeah. I heard about edamame. Not happy, Bob. And I think the calendar comes out in print. And I’m DYING to see it. Probably because they’ll humiliate me (why do I want to win?).

  15. On March 5th, 2010 at 12:50 pm Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    51: Number of times, this week, that I’ve informed my husband we need to move next door to you.

    And if you start talking like a pirate, that might just be what will convince him. So, who do I contact to make sure you are in constant supply of crack filled peanut butter sandwiches and edamame?

  16. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:00 pm Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You Says:

    LOVE love LOVE the list. I’ve wondered the same thing about suing my kids.

    It’s funny because I blogged about WANTING to go to bingo this weekend, and I’m betting it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m turning 200 next week.

  17. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:02 pm carissajade Says:

    You should totes hit up that bingo. The old people are so fun to play with, so long as you can get over the scent of stale coffee and urine. They might even slip you a quarter.

  18. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:02 pm Sara Says:

    I totally ? that there’s an uncrustables add on your sidebar 🙂

  19. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Sara Says:

    Aww! What’s with the “?”. That was a *heart*

  20. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:25 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I used to sing “People are Strange” and random songs y the Cure as lullabies to my boys

  21. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:30 pm Mikey D Says:

    The trick to suing your kids: after filing the lawsuit, settle out of court, and make them sign a contract that they will clean their rooms, or else you can send them to prison.

    These contracts are held up 75% of the time in court.

  22. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:44 pm adhocmom Says:

    Sadly, I am a firm believer that any subscriptions with the word “New York” in them MUST be canceled upon receiving a positive pregnancy test. This includes the New Yorker, New York Magazine and obviously. . the New York Times. Isn’t possible. . . must be replaced with US Weekly or People.

  23. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:49 pm Rebecca Says:

    My husband and I frequently buy edameme ‘for the kids’. But, really, I try to munch on them while the kids nap. I hate sharing yummy food.

  24. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:51 pm MamaOtwins+1 Says:

    When I did my calucations the other day – I came up with 72,073,071,747 times I’ve wondered if I’ve warped my twins. I’ve only got one up on you.

    But I’m really hooked on Mikey D’s comment that we can sue 75% is good odds!

  25. On March 5th, 2010 at 1:56 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    239,488: number of times I’ve laughed thanks to my Aunt Becky since I found her

  26. On March 5th, 2010 at 2:18 pm The Crazy Suburban Mom Says:

    Becky –

    72,073,071,746: times I’ve wondered if that somehow warped him.

    See, I could have written that one but preceding one would have read…

    All 9 seasons: How many Married With Children Episodes did you watch with your male toddler?

    As to the rest of them; I’m you. Just older.

  27. On March 5th, 2010 at 2:27 pm mumma boo Says:

    45 – degrees outside
    95 – number of times I’ve told my kids to shut the door
    412 – smiles on my kids’ faces because they’re finally playing outside again
    8675309 – Jenny’s phone number

    You’re welcome. 😉 Feel better soon, duder.

  28. On March 5th, 2010 at 2:30 pm Patty Punker Says:

    Don’t Fear the Reaper is my turn-to teenage death song.

    And I have 111 Carpenters originals and 12 remakes.

  29. On March 5th, 2010 at 2:40 pm Bridget Callahan Says:

    I’m sitting here wondering what an Uncrustable is? But I feel like if it is explained to me, I will lose my childish sense of wonderment.

  30. On March 5th, 2010 at 2:43 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    I think your mention of Uncrustables again is your subtle way of telling me, one who love everything peanut butter, to just try it already. Point taken. It’s on my grocery list.

    And those publishers better get a clue or this Band of Merry Pranksters is going to turn violent!!

  31. On March 5th, 2010 at 3:30 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    OK, you’re starting to get to me with the Uncrustables talk. My oldest son likes PB sandwiches, no jelly. And I am a lazy bitch who doesn’t want to make them. Because they’re so hard to make, right? And then the PB gets on my fingers and pisses me off. How convenient it would be to have them already made, and crustless, no less!!

  32. On March 5th, 2010 at 3:38 pm ColinP Says:

    Hate to ruin the last one but you are totally getting vitamin C from the edamame so no rickets or scurvy for you.

  33. On March 5th, 2010 at 3:45 pm Kelly Says:

    My daughter hacked into my facebook account, and changed the language setting to Pirate. I thought that Facebook was fucking with me for at least a month. Finally, one day I said, “Is it pirate appreciation month or something?” She couldn’t quit giggling and the gig was up. I am so stupid sometimes.

  34. On March 5th, 2010 at 4:03 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Dude, totally gonna keep the scurvy away as long as you the edamame. Sorry!

  35. On March 5th, 2010 at 5:17 pm Jenn Says:

    I *love* oldies! In fact, those are the only kind of songs I have ever purchased from iTunes, haha. Monkey’s favorite song when he was really little was “build me up (buttercup)” hehe! I have videos of him singing it, it’s too cute. And Boo’s favorite song is “I can’t help myself (sugar pie, honey bunch).” It drives Kent nuts though. Even better, right? 😉

  36. On March 5th, 2010 at 5:48 pm kim Says:

    I SO wish I had something witty to say here, but I don’t. Just de-lurking because I’ve been reading for, oh, months now (to be exact, right), so I thought I should shuffle into the light and say hi. 🙂

    (And, I”ll totally stalk, follow you on twitter and join your book list. Because you *should* have a book, preferably with those awesomely-textured covers like Vintage paperbacks have.)

  37. On March 5th, 2010 at 6:19 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    Why surprised about the Hot Blogger thing? You are a sexy bitch, yo.

  38. On March 5th, 2010 at 6:48 pm Morgan @ The818 Says:

    I totally voted for you as a hot blogger. And have I mentioned your new layout is fabulous?

    And uh…don’t make jokes. I totally had scurvy last year. Arrrr.

  39. On March 5th, 2010 at 7:37 pm Quiet Dreams Says:

    I feel you with the New Yorker. Sometimes it’s ten kinds of awesome, but sometimes it’s just a lot of EFFORT getting to the awesomeness, and if your brain is feeling more like “People,” it can be rough.

  40. On March 5th, 2010 at 8:00 pm Paul Lundgren Says:

    Are the teenage death songs distinct from teenage kill-myself songs? I really hope there’s a difference.

    Oh, and I totally have 80s MTV playlists on my iPod.

  41. On March 5th, 2010 at 9:48 pm Brahm Says:

    Teenage Death Songs? Anything is better than “I’ve Never Been to Me” which resurfaced on the radio this week and is now cruelly haunting my every waking moment. talk about a song to incite murder. or suicide. or troubled sleep.

    other than that, all 80s, all the time!

    And yeah, give up on the smart subscriptions and succumn to Entertainment Weekly, makes the guilt go away for not having the time to read… come over to the dark superficial side!

  42. On March 6th, 2010 at 9:04 am Kristin Says:

    I voted.
    I love your musical tastes…and agree with the commenter that says Teen Angel needs to be one of the teen death songs.
    Feel better soon.
    “demon germ factories”…fucking LOVE it!
    Did you get the package I mailed you?

  43. On March 6th, 2010 at 10:42 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I did! Which means that I emailed the wrong person. WHOOPS! I love it and I love you and I want to live close to you so you can crochet me everything and I can bribe you with baked goods.

  44. On March 6th, 2010 at 11:31 am gigi Says:

    I have to say that based on one of your more recent posts, I went out and got me some Uncrustables and GAWD DAMN, those things are tasty! Thanks for turning me into an Uncrustables fiend! So far I’ve only tried the peanut butter and strawberry jelly but I can’t wait to try the other flavors. Thanks!

  45. On March 6th, 2010 at 12:50 pm Caroline Says:

    You too? I got an enormous amount of shit from my friends because I listened to the oldies in high school.

    And was one of those songs The Leader of the Pack? That song made me want to wear a poodle skirt so effin bad!!

  46. On March 6th, 2010 at 8:14 pm cathyjoy Says:

    OMG! I like totally love build me up buttercup – on the ipod. I have all 637 partridge family/david cassidy on the pod as well. probly did warp think kid singin “i think i love you”.

    I wanna move next door too! (and wear a poodle skirt :O)

  47. On March 7th, 2010 at 8:11 am Badass Geek Says:

    Is Highlights still being printed? That mag was awesome as a kid.

  48. On March 7th, 2010 at 9:56 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I’m frightened of your devotion to Uncrustables.

  49. On March 7th, 2010 at 10:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    My devotion to Uncrustables is only rivaled by my devotion to you, baby.

  50. On March 7th, 2010 at 6:43 pm Sharon Says:

    My girlfriend says I am not allowed to vote you a hot blogger because I already flirt with you enough already. I will have to wait until she sleeps.

    In the mean time, two things to share:
    1- my inappropriate lullaby: Barrett’s Privateers (lot’s of piratey “Goddamn them all”s)
    2- favourite teen death song: “Run Joey Run” by David Geddes. Dad gets angry and tries to shoot his daughter’s gilfriend. Girlfriend (pregnant) takes the bullet. The classic chorus: “Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault, he meeeeans so much to me. Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get marriiiiiiiied…)

  51. On March 8th, 2010 at 5:16 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Child, please.

    I used to soothe my daughter to sleep with “Under the Bridge” by RHCP.

  52. On March 8th, 2010 at 9:36 am Susan @ Sassafrassery Says:

    At least Uncrustables are a healthier food obsession than my current one: Slim Jims. All together now… ewwwwww.

  53. On March 8th, 2010 at 10:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dave would argue that those are tasty AND delicious. I would vomit on him, but, you know.

  54. On March 8th, 2010 at 2:27 pm soccermom Says:

    How about slim jims with the spray can cheese? Yum

  55. On March 8th, 2010 at 2:29 pm soccermom Says:

    Sorry I don’t think we have the same musical taste. However I could share a good band with you, if your lookin for some new music to mix up things a bit.

    Try Puddle of Mudd

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