Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Juice Boxes Are For Pussies


hello-kitty-wineWhen I found out that Hello Kitty was launching a line of wines, I was thrilled. Partially because I love everything Hello Kitty, but mostly because it means that I no longer have to shell out for juice. Because juice boxes are for pussies. And my babies aren’t pussies.

They’re not so much into hard liquor or meth, but my babies do like their wine. And wine with whimsical cartoon kitties is a win for us all. Why, it’s practically begging for my children to chug it!

I know, you’re not supposed to give babies booze until they’re at least 12, but they like it! I swear! Plus, it makes them sleepy, and when they’re sleepy, Aunt Becky is very, very happy. Because then I can drink more of that silly kitty wine without my crotch parasites crawling around at my feet, asking me to do shit for them like give them them more of Momma’s wine or help them with their dumb homework.

Like I tell them, what the fuck good has homework ever REALLY done for anyone anyway?

And I read some article in some medical magazine or heard it on Maury or some shit that wine is good for the heart. I want my babies to have strong hearts, so I make sure that I give them wine with every meal. It’s HEALTHY and shit. Especially because then they shut the fuck up for once and I don’t have to listen to them babble on and on and on.

I swear, no one told me kids were so fucking loud or I would have gotten some fucking muzzles from the hospital. Duct tape just doesn’t work as well.

So I’m serving Hello Kitty wine at every birthday party and if all those fucking crotch monkeys that my kids invite don’t like it, well, they can have some of the bourbon.

But not the good shit, like Old Crow because that’s reserved for me.

104 Comments to

“Juice Boxes Are For Pussies”

  1. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:41 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    And it comes with a Hello Kitty charm! Winning.

  2. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The charm is like the tequila worm!

  3. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:41 am BettyLies Says:

    The nice thing about this is Mommy can use her Hello Kitty vibrator without interruption once the kids are passed out.

  4. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I’m afraid of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.

  5. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:57 pm Major Amy Says:

    Wait, wait WAIT!!!! There is a Hello Kitty vibrator? I am so getting that!

  6. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:57 pm Laura Says:

    One of my cousins has a Hello Kitty vibrator. The fact that I know that makes me want to drink lots and lots of Hello Kitty wine to blot out any possible mental image of said cousin using a Hello Kitty vibrator. You know, because I like to stay on theme…

  7. On April 1st, 2011 at 2:23 pm Amy Says:

    I love my Hello Kitty toy… was a christmas present from my other cousin! I am so wanting Hello Kitty wine for my!

  8. On April 1st, 2011 at 2:26 pm Laura Says:

    For the record? ^^That’s the cousin I was talking about. Sometimes I think we’re just a little too close…

  9. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:41 am Allison Sim Says:

    Best April 1st post EVER!

  10. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:02 am Jessica B Says:

    I’m with Allison.
    You freaking made me spit coffee out of my nose.
    And that hurt.

  11. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:41 am Kimmie Says:

    Where can I get some for my brood?

  12. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:43 am FoxyKate Says:

    The charm is actually meant to be sucked on after drinking. It’s lemon-flavored but full of lead, and you need lead in your blood for transporting air to your organs or something!

  13. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:01 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The charm’ll kill you if you’re not careful. It’s like the tequila worm.

  14. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:43 am Meg Says:

    I am actually more disturbed the Hello Kitty is making wine. The horror of a gaggle of drunk catgirls is not something I would like to see…

    But yay for an alternative to juice boxes…those things are evil especially when the tot in question doesn’t quite have the hand-eye coordination to insert the straw and doesn’t want any help…

  15. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was too!

  16. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:43 am Talkative Taurus Says:

    I must admit the title lured me in, but there is nothing wrong with finding cool cocktails to enjoy. You are just trying to keep everyone healthy after all.

  17. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well, it’s for my KIDS OWN GOOD.

  18. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:44 am itsallabitrandom Says:

    “crotch parasites” – fucking love it.

  19. On April 2nd, 2011 at 11:24 am Amelia Says:

    When I first read Aunt Becky w/ the crotch parasites, I totally thought she meant crabs. Now, it makes me giggle to think I called my kids “bug” long before I heard crotch parasite.

  20. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:44 am irant Says:

    I can’t believe what a terrible mother you are! If you cared about them, you’d give your kids the good stuff . . . #justsayin


  21. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Old Crow is saved for Mama. Those crotch monkeys aren’t getting their grubby hands on it.

  22. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:46 am Mary Says:

    This IS April Fool’s right???

  23. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:00 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  24. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:47 am SoberJulie Says:

    Happy Fuckin April Fools!
    crotch parasites? Classic ‘

  25. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:52 am Freaking Friday, Y’all - jana's thinking place | jana's thinking place Says:

    […] a really serious note, I AM very worried about my friend Becky. She posted a column today that is bothersome to me. You should totally check it out. (though not if the P word, F word or S […]

  26. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:53 am Lianne Marie Binks Says:


  27. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:00 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    Classic LOVE it. The Hello Kitty Vibrator does have me a little scared but hey whatever floats your boat and works for you. Now I must go order the Hello Kitty wine for my children they are making Mommy’s migraine worse.

  28. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:10 am Ewokmama Says:

    You are fucking brilliant.

  29. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:14 am Tonya Says:

    WHERE IS THE MOTHER HUMPING SHARE BUTTON?! OK I found it. It’s hard to see whilst laughing so hard tears are streaming down yo face.

  30. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:17 am Dana Says:

    FINALLY! I knew one day it would happen! My parenting style has been validated. I mean if Aunt Becky boozes up her kids then my 15 years of doing the same will surly be applauded!

  31. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:38 am Penbleth Says:

    Aunt Becky, I think I love you. Fab-u-lous.

  32. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:54 am Julie Says:

    Howling with laughter!

    This is THE! FUCKING! BEST! April Fool’s post I’ve seen today!

  33. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:56 am Julie Says:

    The wine obviously made my first comment go “poof!”

    This is April Fools post I’ve seen today!

    Howling with laughter!

  34. On April 1st, 2011 at 10:59 am Holli (B's Mom) Says:

    Happy April Fool’s Day!

  35. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:07 am Tiff Says:

    bwahahahaha. hilarious! =)

  36. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:08 am Aubrey Says:

    OMG! I am laughing so hard. That is the best!

  37. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:25 am Gamanda Says:

    You know how I know this is an April Fool’s post? You said that you’re supposed to wait until the crotch parasites are 12 before introducing liquor. Duh! It’s 2. Some people. Thank god it’s April 1st. Could you imagine all the poor parents that read this and think they have to wait 10 more years to give their kids booze?!

  38. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:39 am Rancher Mom Says:

    Wine for little ones? I think that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard! I am shocked and appalled.
    Why, everyone knows if you want to calm them down, just blow pot smoke in their faces. Duh! :p

  39. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:43 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    (Insert long winded comment full of outrage about how it’s not okay to talk about giving kids Hello Kitty wine because someone’s aunt’s cousin’s brother’s father’s uncle went to prison for selling special brownies in Hello Kitty lunch sacks to old ladies in the courtyard of a nursing home. Since clearly, these things are related. And there is much outrage!)

    P.S. ~ Hilarious!

  40. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:45 am Pam Says:

    And I thought I was the only one who did that with her kids when they were coming along! Great minds and…wait, were you kidding? OH, so was I. LOL

  41. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:50 am Emily R Says:

    You wait till they’re 12?!

  42. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    (okay, 7)

  43. On April 1st, 2011 at 11:59 am CycleNinja Says:

    I know this is an April Fool’s joke because we all know Becky only drinks Mad Dog 20/20.

  44. On April 1st, 2011 at 12:06 pm Lex Says:

    This is seriously awesome. “Juice boxes are for pussies” is quite a catchy slogan. It should totally be on a t-shirt. Or a bumper sticker.

  45. On April 1st, 2011 at 12:33 pm Meg Says:

    Uh yes!! I vote tshirt. I would wear the shit out it.

  46. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:21 pm uthostage Says:

    that should be Aunt Becky’s new tagline! TOTALLY.

  47. On April 1st, 2011 at 12:16 pm Squatlo Says:

    Robitussin works well on the ones who just refuse to drink liquor. The cherry flavor really sucks ’em in…

  48. On April 1st, 2011 at 12:30 pm Nancy P Says:

    Damn it! Where was this stuff when MY kids were little?

  49. On April 1st, 2011 at 12:44 pm wtfinmontana Says:


  50. On April 1st, 2011 at 12:47 pm evildoer Says:

    Ah, and all along, i’d been thinking that those tiny airplane bottles were the only kid-friendly hooch.
    Thanks, Aunt Becky! Now I know what to serve with twinkies! 😉

  51. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:10 pm Kelly Says:

    Mea has a special “crystal” goblet styled sippy cup. I always put her wine in there.

    Juice boxes are the devil, unless you have a juice box holder. Prevents squeezing of juice all over carpet, furniture, oneself, and/or family member. Best invention ever. Besides Hello Kitty Wine, of course.

  52. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:19 pm Alyssa Says:

    Do you think they make those little sippy cup lids for a bottle that sized? I mean we all know how when you squeeze the juice box a little fucking juice goes squirting everywhere. (Plus I’ve noticed that this only happens with dark juice)So the least the wine makers could do was give us a little spill proof sippy cup top.. cuz otherwise your little parasites will be spilling that shit all over and that’s a waste of good wine. Ok, well maybe not good wine, but still it’s wine damnit!

  53. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:21 pm Avitable Says:

    I thought that’s what Dewar’s was for.

  54. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:25 pm uthostage Says:

    Love that Hello Kitty is branching out. First cosmetics. And now wine.

    Happy Bunny must be totally keeping them on their toes.

  55. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:28 pm Kana Says:

    They are precious, but be warned: it does not, in fact, taste good. Which may or may not be a factor.

  56. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:41 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    Hello Kitty Wine?! Nice!!

  57. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:46 pm andygirl Says:

    oh good god. Hello Kitty: not just for little girls! it’s now for little girls as they grow up and become cougars.

  58. On April 1st, 2012 at 12:33 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Oh, hell to the no. This cougar says no Hello Kitty wine, ever. Besides, since I don’t have crotch monkeys, I don’t need to calm them down. I can save all my money for the good stuff. Which is vodka.

  59. On April 1st, 2011 at 1:55 pm SharleneT. Says:

    Please tell me this isn’t an April Fool’s joke and that you do share your ‘grape’ juice with the little bairn… I HATE those juice boxes!!! They’re always spewing out juice when barely touched. Whose idea was that, anyway? You rock, girl.

  60. On April 1st, 2011 at 2:06 pm No Good Says:

    Hello Kitty is totally Krusty the Clown. She puts her name on everything! Toasters, coffee makers, rice makers, cars. She’s kind of a ho. But I do love her!

  61. On April 1st, 2011 at 2:15 pm Laura Says:

    Oooh…Hello Kitty wine, made of awesome! All we need now is Hello Kitty tylenol to help with those before school hang-overs. Or maybe Hello Kitty Bloody Marys to give them “hair of the dog” remedies…

  62. On April 1st, 2011 at 3:09 pm Lisa Says:

    OMG- hilarious! You must have been a chuggin some of the pretty kitty wine when you wrote this post lady!! Drink up!!
    NOT drinking wine is for pussies!!! Oh- and go rancher mom! woo hoo!

  63. On April 1st, 2011 at 4:01 pm triplezmom Says:

    So when is Dora going to make tequila?

  64. On April 1st, 2012 at 5:58 pm Grace Says:

    I seriously just spit all over my computer! HILARIOUS!!

  65. On April 1st, 2011 at 4:21 pm sylvie torok-nagy Says:

    Damn, y’all almost had me going!! damn my humor radar got broken trying to fuck the brains off a hello kitty toy…not really…got me a bit more woken up though!

  66. On April 1st, 2011 at 4:47 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    Dont forget the Benedryl chaser, would hate to have one of them have a reaction to the Kitty!

  67. On April 1st, 2011 at 5:09 pm Gunfighter Says:

    I would drink it… but only if it came in a screw-top bottle.

  68. On April 1st, 2011 at 5:26 pm VEG Says:

    As your would say: Thank the Good Lord of Butter for this post. It made my other craptastic day awesome. Plus, I vote for Juice Boxes are For Pussys on a tshirt too. I would totally buy that. And wear it to be nephews baptism.

  69. On April 1st, 2011 at 6:03 pm Melissa Says:

    It works even better when you spike it with some xanax. Just sayin.

    Also, juice BAGS are bullshit. I am 42 years old and I cant keep from squirting juice all over the place with those things. Plus I have to get my nephew to put the damn straw in, when I take it back, SQUIRT right on my shirt. Do you think he may be setting me up?

  70. On April 1st, 2011 at 8:08 pm Delphine Dryden Says:

    Wow. What does it say about all of us that a) my first thought upon reading this was about the Hello Kitty vibrator, b) that I’m not the first one to think of that immediately, and c) that as I read it I was thinking yep, uh huh, good plan, keep ’em sleepy, more wine for Mom, yep…?

    Oh, remember that time we were talking about Hello Kitty wine? Good times, good times…

  71. On April 1st, 2011 at 8:10 pm Delphine Dryden Says:

    Also: based on the cork, I thought “hey, it’s Hello Kitty champagne!”. And indeed, I see that it is sparkling rose (brut). Because of course, what other kind of wine would bear the Hello Kitty label than a wine that is pink, with bubbles?

  72. On April 2nd, 2011 at 6:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    If it was anything OTHER than pink with bubbles…I’m not sure it could be Hello Kitty.

  73. On April 1st, 2011 at 8:13 pm Emthe Says:

    I’m glad they came out with a Hello Kitty intoxicant. The My Melody Meth was starting to make my teeth hurt.

  74. On April 1st, 2011 at 8:26 pm Josefina Says:

    Exactly. And that’s why I read you.

  75. On April 1st, 2011 at 9:44 pm Justin Says:

    Old Crow rocks!!

  76. On April 2nd, 2011 at 6:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Old Crow is The Good Shit.

  77. On April 2nd, 2011 at 2:44 am Jason Says:

    Awesome! Let me know when Hello kitty turns masculine and comes forth with a cognac & cigar line.


  78. On April 2nd, 2011 at 6:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    They make a vibrator. I’m very freaked out by this.

  79. On April 3rd, 2012 at 1:08 am Ami Says:

    Oh it gets even more terrifying. Theres a whole blog dedicated to the terrifying things made by Hello Kitty courtesy of a guy whose wife is obsessed. lol. Check it out:

  80. On April 2nd, 2011 at 8:26 am Lisa E Says:

    Best title for a blog post, EVER. Hilarious!

  81. On April 2nd, 2011 at 10:56 am katrina Says:

    Hahahahaha!! My kids thought they were getting KoolAid…..Best fuckin April 1st day post ever!!

  82. On April 2nd, 2011 at 11:11 am Suniverse Says:

    True story – my grandmother used to put a poppy concoction in her youngest kids’ bottles. To help them stay quiet and fall asleep.

    Man, the old country. That’s where it’s at.

  83. On April 2nd, 2011 at 12:34 pm Neeroc Says:

    I so need to visit the liquor store more often. I mean Hello Kitty and sleeping baby? I’m in!

  84. On April 2nd, 2011 at 2:45 pm Amelia Says:

    Bwaahahahahahhaha!!!! I wonder if it’s any good?

  85. On April 2nd, 2011 at 5:51 pm Margaret Murphy Tripp Says:

    OMG…how have I missed this blog?! You are hysterical. Seriously…I can’t even believe it.

  86. On April 2nd, 2011 at 6:11 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! I love you.

  87. On April 2nd, 2011 at 8:25 pm JennyBeMe Says:

    Ha! I have a few friends that are obsessed with the Kitty. I don’t really understand it but hey whatevs. I posted on your FB wall-I know how much you love Mark Suckerberg. I think you need to put “Full of The Awesome” on a tee. I would buy them in bulk 🙂

  88. On April 3rd, 2011 at 1:50 pm CC Says:

    I’m a couple of days late…but best freaking April Fools post ever!!! I’m kinda diggin the vino=sleepy children thing. It sure beats that menthol flavored NyQuil shtuff I used to get during summer break everyday after lunch during visits with grandmother.

  89. On April 4th, 2011 at 7:48 am John Says:

    This is going to completely revolutionize my parenting strategy.

    Actually, I have a fun story – my parents gave me beer from a very young age. I was a toddler, I’d toddle up to my dad & ask for a sip. After a few sips, he’d say “that’s enough” and that was it.

    Well, there was one day that my dad, my uncle, and my dad’s best friend were all over at the house, putting up drywall or some bullshit “can’t do it by yourself task”. They were drinking beer (because, really, why the fuck would you go to somebody’s house to do a chore unless there was alcohol involved?) and I did my thing – walk to dad, get a sip. Walk to Uncle Chip, get a sip. Walk to “Uncle” Bill, get a sip…rinse, lather repeat. My dad and Chip came to the thought that “maybe we should stop giving him sips” right after Bill did – only, they didn’t realize that I was making my rounds.

    I blame that incident for who I am today 😉

  90. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:49 pm Jennifer Says:

    I dont know you but I am so glad that I found you via a retweet from a tweet from a retweet,,, fuck it, I dont even know how I found you. But now you are my new BlogFriendForever.

  91. On April 7th, 2011 at 7:30 pm blacklisted Says:

    I really fucking like this.

  92. On April 13th, 2011 at 1:17 am Sylvia Says:

    I peed a little bit laughing. You suck. Who will clean the pee up? Not the boyfriend, he is playing a video game. Why am I not playing? Hmmm. Something to think about while The Pee gets cold.
    P.s. I’m pregnant. I can totally sit in pee soaked pants for awhile. But I will not throw them in any of your ball pits.

  93. On April 13th, 2011 at 1:19 am Sylvia Says:

    I lied. I’m wearing a dress not pants. Maybe I should lay off the booze.

  94. On April 1st, 2012 at 10:55 am Mayor Gia Says:

    haaaa! this was a good one! I’m not hating on the idea bc drinking as a baby totally worked for me, yknow?

  95. On April 1st, 2012 at 11:04 am Brianne @ memoriesovertakingme Says:

    I collect all things Hello Kitty (even have a big hello kitty tattoo on my arm) and my soon-to be sister in law gave me a bottle of this at my wedding!! I didnt get the charm though. 🙁 Oh well guess that means Im off to buy another bottle!! :o)

  96. On April 1st, 2012 at 1:47 pm Shay Says:

    Love this. Found you through another blog. Looking forward to reading more. Cheers!

  97. On April 1st, 2012 at 5:53 pm Meredith P. Says:

    OMG I am a Hello Kitty and a wine fanatic and I’m trying to figure out how I did not know about this! I must get some! 😀

    And you aren’t the first person who has toyed with the idea of giving the kidlets a drink or two, my husband’s Mammaw used to give him and his brother Jack Daniels to help them sleep when they were little O___o.

    Happy April Fools Day!

  98. On April 1st, 2012 at 6:06 pm Grace Says:

    I was almost all the way through the comments before I realized this was last year’s post! LOL! I’m a dork.

    I was thinking to myself 90+ comments and no trolls? What the hell?

  99. On April 2nd, 2012 at 1:56 am Janis Says:

    Yeah, I wondered why there were comments dated April 3rd and April 4th. :-p Definitely funny! We had a bottle of that stuff a while back. I think I do have the Hello Kitty charm around here somewhere.

  100. On April 2nd, 2012 at 6:11 am Sonja Rois Says:

    There are ppl out there who don’t give their kids wine?!? WTF?!? Although my kid goes more for the vampire wine. Yep, she’s odd. Takes after her mom. (That’s why she needs to drink. She needs something to cope. Being just like your crazy mother at 12 years old is just tough.)

  101. On April 2nd, 2012 at 6:27 am Starle Says:

    I fall for this post every year. I guess the wine has taken my last few remaining brain cells!

  102. On April 2nd, 2012 at 1:42 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    So how does it taste? Do we know? Do we care? *hic*

    Oh, I’m supposed to be outraged that you’re giving your kiddos wine huh? Dammit Becky! Be more responsible and stop April Fooling me!

  103. On April 2nd, 2012 at 4:26 pm Marta Says:

    Do you think they’ll make Disney Princess wine? I’m not the biggest Hello Kitty fan but I know me and my 18 month old could really get behind some Cinderella or Little Mermaid wine.

  104. On April 3rd, 2012 at 11:40 am - Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] Ask Aunt Becky « Juice Boxes Are For Pussies Glamor Shots » 3 Dumbasses Drive Into The Ghetto… Sounds like the […]

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