Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Joyeux Noel


Last Sunday, after taking our cheesy holiday pictures at the mall (they are actually so adorable that I wish that I had a scanner to show you), in spite of my exhausted and openly weeping 6 year old son requiring a nap STAT, I was determined to procure an actual Christmas tree. We’ve never been able to have one before (due to various reasons), and it was on my Allmighty Schedule, and by God, we were going to do it. Dave snickered into his puffy gloves as I crazily launched into my diatribe after he suggested that we might want to do this another weekend, you know, when we were all better rested.

“I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten minutes from the fucking Christmas Tree Lot, and you wanna bail out! Well, I’ll tell you something, this is no longer an option . . . it’s a quest! It’s a quest for fun! I’m gonna have fun, and you’re gonna have fun! We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your assholes! I’ve got to be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a tree! Praise Santa Claus!”

Dave has mentioned before that when I get a bee in my bonnet about something or another, he can always tell, not because my voice is shakingly raised or I begin openly weeping, but because crazy things begin to pour out of my mouth with alarming frequency.

This, of course, was one of those times.

Even the baby felt chastised and stopped chirping merrily until we dutifully pulled the car into the lot and embarked on our journey to get a Motherfucking Christmas tree, smiles stretched fakely across our cheeks. Since I cared only about getting a Christmas tree, any Christmas Tree would suffice, so I allowed Ben and Dave to pick it out, while Alex and I went inside to talk to the parrot that lives on this farm.

(Nothing cheers me up like having a conversation with this parrot, who is in love with me. Now, the conversation revolves around saying hello to each other in various tones, coupled with some laughter, and rounded out with his completely accurate immitation of my cell phone ringer. Then he’ll fan his tail at me, and we’ll start over at the beginning with our hellos. It’s like having an extremely colorful baby.)

(as all of my animals have been rescued from extremely sad and/or bizare situations, I am anxiously awaiting the day that I am given a parrot or another exotic bird to adopt. They are so amazingly awesome, and I am completely dying for one, but I cannot in good conscience go and buy one.

Not only because they are really expensive, but because my own bleeding heart tells me that I should not do this, as these animals were meant to live in their natural habitat. Which I am pretty certain is not a suburban street outside of Chicago, Illinois. Call me nuts, but even on the best days here, the avian life that I come across is more like a cardnial and a couple of finches, not a scarlet macaw or parrot.

So I wait for my exotic bird, just like I waited for my comically large bunny and my geriatric gecko.)

I’m pretty sure they were both more than happy to be allowed to escape the supreme pleasure of my company for awhile (Lord knows why), while the baby was stuck with me for the long haul (to be fair, I am the one who is stuck with HIM all night, every night). I have a feeling I was pretty frightening, because they both began addressing me in their most respectful, sweetest voices, suggesting I relax and maybe eat some McDonalds (yes, they are well versed in knowing the way to my heart well).

When we got the tree home, we realized that the mini tree lights we had gotten had (gasp!) white cords, which looked much stupider on the tree than you’d imagine. So, my mission (less stupid than Mission: ManBand, however) for the week was to pick up some lights with green cords. I bought about twice what I needed so as to avoid future mini Christmas light-less moments (because those happen all of the time, right? Right?), and because I have inherited my father’s OCD need to have backup’s and replacements FOR EVERYTHING.

Yesterday evening, the lights were finally placed on the tree, and today we decorated it. It was afterwards, when I went down to the basement to grab the rest of the Christmas decorations, when I realized that we had several boxes of mini lights down there. And wait! In that bin, there are even MORE lights. And THERE, in the corner, EVEN MORE lights!

It appears that my OCD habits of purchasing mini Christmas lights has spanned the four Christmases that I have celebrated with my own family (completely in spite of the lack of Real Live Christmas Trees, which is even more hilarious, when you think about it. At least to me. Who has had very little sleep these past days. So really strange things are uninentionally hilarious). My friends, I could easily open up one of those fly-by-night Christmas shops that you see in the strip malls with all of the unopened boxes of mini lights that I now own.

With the 27 or 28 boxes of unopened lights that we now own, it all but assures me that I will not have to purchase mini lights for the next 45 years or so, at least until the technology evolves such that my husband will be completely unable to resist the pull (But BECKY, it has a REMOTE and INTERNET CONNECTIONS! WE NEEEEEED THESE LIGHTS, BABY!).

But now I am trying to figure out what on Earth to DO with these lights. I mean, I’m past the days where I feel like mini lights really accentuate a rooms decor for 365 days a year, what with me no longer being a college kid. And it’s currently too snowy for me to string them up outside, lest I get an electrical shock or blow a fuse or something.

I guess I could try to rest easy, knowing that all of my mini light needs will be completely fufilled for the next several decades. Or I suppose that I could donate some to a frat house where I am certain they will be put to good use. The baby loves cords and lights, but I’m thinking with the new lead paint warnings displayed prominently on the label that maybe allowing him to play with those is probably not an option.

Any suggestions?


Thank you everyone who has kept my family in their thoughts during this time. It means more to me than my ickle black soul can possibly express. My father will be going in for surgery again on Monday morning, and assuming that all goes well, should be home by Wednsday or Thursday (or whenever his insurance company boots him out).

It will be then when I feel like I can breathe again.

9 Comments to

“Joyeux Noel”

  1. On December 9th, 2007 at 11:44 am Chris Says:

    I have several things to say about this entry.

    1. The link to doesn’t work. Apparently Dave doesn’t exist.

    2. regarding the parrot
    a) Have you ever heard about the Hyde Park parrots? Apparently, some guy in the 70s release parrots into the environment. They thrive.
    b); all in need of a good home and none captured from the wild and boxed up to be brought to Chicago. However, you must know that you WILL have that bird for the rest of your life.

    3. Sell the extra lights on ebay. By the time the ones you have no longer work, the wiring on the other ones will have rotted.

  2. On December 9th, 2007 at 12:45 pm calliope Says:

    I am amazed at your brilliance sometimes, I just am.

    My Mother once went on a binge shopping trip of holiday lights. We had BOX fulls (& when I say box I mean like a large living room U-haul sized box). One year she did something kinda swank with them- she put them in glass serving bowls and had them on tables through out the house. So they were like little bowls of glowing-ness all over. It didn’t look like anything thrilling- just a bowl of lights, but it was nice.


  3. On December 9th, 2007 at 2:00 pm becky Says:

    Chris, I fixed the links and will be scouring this afternoon. Dave thanks you 😉

    Cali, thank you for the idea, and your compliment made me blush. I am often amazed by my own non-brilliance, so it’s refreshing to hear someone say otherwise.

  4. On December 9th, 2007 at 6:20 pm gs Says:

    Just checking in on you after a few days – holy christ. i’m so sorry to hear about your dad, but so glad he’s okay. how horrifying.

    You have a comically large rabbit? can you post a picture??

    I’m totally with you re: parrots. They are amazing, but I could never buy one. I have a hilarious parrot story re: a bird I took care of once. he told me he was going to kill me.

    Re: xmas lights – can you put them outside your house? I love string lights. I’d just drape them over everything in the house.

  5. On December 9th, 2007 at 6:29 pm Leslee Says:

    So, I was directed here by Cricket and finally feel like I should delurk and introduce myself. if you have a stat counter thing and happen across this IP addy looking through your posts and being all creepy-stalky like, that’s me! *waves* Not sure if you’ve ever worked with the EMS side of medicine, but I dispatch ambulances and the downtime makes me wanna curl up under my desk and sleep. Apparently that’s something they frown upon at ye ole job, so that leaves me to find things to read on the intarwebs. I love reading your posts and have developed a slight girl crush. It makes me wanna hold my hands in the shape of a heart on my chest. (I do this often and, trust me, it is FULL of the awesome.)

    So! This is me delurking and hoping that I’m not being creepy-stalky enough for you to think that you need protection cuzz, seriously? Too. Much. Effort.

    I’m glad to hear that your father may be able to leave the hospital soon. I’ve had you guys in my thoughts since I started reading and will continue to keep you guys there.

  6. On December 9th, 2007 at 9:21 pm becky Says:

    GS, I am totally going to post pictures of all of the loony creatures that live in my home. We have a knack for acquiring second hand pets from sad situations.

    Leslee, I am so completely flattered that you have a girl crush on me. Come and say hi whenever you feel like it. I always like to meet new peeps! (I am so adding you to my blogroll).

  7. On December 10th, 2007 at 1:47 pm Kristine Says:

    I do this with wrapping paper. I am still using wrapping paper from 2-3 years ago, but does that stop me from buy more? Noooooooo. I was so proud this year when I finally finished off the “kid” wrapping paper from 3 years ago, now I just have the other 3 rolls to finish off, before I can break into the stuff I bought last year, not to mention the ones I bought this year. And thankgoodness my niece never showed up with the wrapping paper I ordered from her – I certainly don’t need it.

    If the lights are indoor/outdoor, you can use them in the yard. If they’re indoor only, you can put them up around the insides of the windows on the front of your house. But honestly, I would donate them if you don’t see yourself using them.

  8. On December 10th, 2007 at 3:43 pm Gail Says:

    Becks??? How’d today’s surgery go? Inquiring minds want to know.

    Thinking about you!

  9. On December 10th, 2007 at 3:59 pm Kim Says:

    just checking in to see how the surgery today went. Had you Dad in my thoughts all day.


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