Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

John C. Mayer Is Totally Stalking Me


Dear “John C. Mayer,”

I know we’ve had a tumultuous relationship – we’re like when a tornado meets a volcano or um, cheese meeting macaroni, or something poetic, John C. Mayer. Whatever, John C. Mayer – I’m not the singer – YOU are.

For years, John C. Mayer, I despised you. Not because I knew you, John C. Mayer, or even because you, John C. Mayer had done anything personally to me.

Except that you, John C. Mayer did. You wrote that stupid “You’re Body Is A Wonderland” song. I mean, John C. Mayer, how many times do I have to hear my girlfriends ovulate all over the place when that stupid song comes on? How many torturous nights, John. C. Mayer do I have to hear my sappy girlfriends be all, “I *love this song – John C. Mayer wrote this about ME and now I want to have his sensitive babies,” before I snap, John C. Mayer?

Answer, John C. Mayer: about two hundred times.

And frankly, how dare you, John C. Mayer, sir, have the audacity to be both funny AND play the guitar like that? It’s unfair, John C. Mayer, because despite how much, I wanted to hate you, John C. Mayer, I simply cannot. Your humor, John C. Mayer is not a fluke, and you, John C. Mayer, are someone with whom I’d like to be friends.

You may recall, John C. Mayer, when the Internet Pulled A “John C. Mayer” and beat Google’s search algorithm to be among the very top of the search terms for “John C. Mayer.” It was originally an accident, John C. Mayer, but it turned into a prank so large that “Pulling A John C. Mayer” made it into Urban Dictionary. That may be, John C. Mayer, the very pinnacle of my existence.

john c mayerA photo taken during the John C Mayer Prank, complete with my fake cat, Mr. Sprinkles.

Today, John C. Mayer, I checked to see where I ranked on Google. It’s been over two years (I think) since I Pulled a John C. Mayer on the Internet – certainly my page rank must’ve gone down. After all, John C. Mayer, I do not write a blog about John C. Mayer – instead, I prefer to write narcissistically about, well, me. That is what blogging is all about, right John C. Mayer?

(answer: yes)

And yet. And how. And this:

Screen shot from today. I beat out John C. Mayer’s blog AND Wikipedia. John C. Mayer totally loves me.

Anyway, I’m sure that your publicist, John C. Mayer would like me to die in a fiery blaze started possibly by a “malfunctioning kitchen appliance,” because WHOOPS! Behold the Power of the Pranksters, John C. Mayer!

But I’m a little afraid, now, John C. Mayer, that while your publicist may want to murder me with a pitchfork, that you, John C. Mayer may be in love with me. Now, I know what you’re thinking: who isn’t in love with John C. Mayer and his luscious mane of hairs? The answer would be me, John C. Mayer. I am not in love with you. While I do respect your kickin’ guitar riffs and may (or may not)(I’ll never tell) own several of your songs, I am not, John C. Mayer, in love with you.

But you, however, are stalking me John C. Mayer. Why would I say such a thing, John C. Mayer?

Because I got this in the mail. No return address. Just this. Now when I saw that I’d gotten mail, John C. Mayer, I got all happy in the pants because who doesn’t love PRESENTS? (answer people who hate the color blue, baskets of kittens, and/or lemon meringue pie).

John C. Mayer

Yes, that’s right. I got an unmarked life-sized poster of you, John C. Mayer. And I cannot think of a soul who would send this picture of you, John C. Mayer, rocking out besides, well, YOU.

Which means that you’re clearly stalking me, John C. Mayer.

And while that’s well and good – who can resist a chick who gardens in a cocktail dress and chainsaw? – I must inform you that sending me a life-sized poster of you, John C. Mayer is not the quickest way to my bubble gum lips.

Besides, John C. Mayer, I’m engaged. To a Twitter Dog, Dublin Cook.


Warmest Regards,

Aunt Becky

P.S. You might want to try sending diamonds next time, John C. Mayer. Works better on loosening up the vaginal bits than a life-sized poster of you, John C. Mayer.


P.P.S. The original John C. Mayer Prank was done by accident – I’d written him this letter, which boosted me up to Google’s like 4th search term for “John C. Mayer.” Drunk on my new-found knowledge, I then taught the Internet how to prank Google so that we can get our blogs to be the top search term for a particular celebrity. Whacha think? Should we do it again, Pranksters?

The answer, John C. Mayer Pranksters, is YES. Things have been too damn serious for too damn long – it’s time to do some prankage, Pranksters. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

(Instructions for Pulling a John C. Mayer are here)

So it’s your turn. Link up, Pranksters, and help each other by leaving comments wherein you use THEIR celebrities name a lot in the comments, use Stumble Upon, Facebook, retweet them, you know – let’s get Google good! Let’s get PRANKING!Comments should look like this to get more traction with Google:

“Aunt Becky I can’t believe you’re pulling a John C. Mayer again. John C. Mayer will rue the day that John C. Mayer wrote “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

15 Comments to

“John C. Mayer Is Totally Stalking Me”

  1. On May 15th, 2012 at 12:40 pm Brittany Says:

    Aunt Becky,
    I cannot believe the John C. Mayer of your John C. Mayer. It’s amazing what you John C. Mayer with a little John C. Mayer. I want to John C. Mayer just like your John C. Mayer, but alas my John C. Mayer is unfortunately all John C. Mayer out. However, John C. Mayer is my lifelong goal, and with your John C. Mayer, I can finally John C. Mayer my John C. Mayer!!!!
    Thank you, Aunt Becky for helping me John C. Mayer my John C. Mayer!

    (I kind of feel like I went on a bad mad libs trip just now.)

    Love and peace in John C. Mayer,
    John C. Mayer

    I mean…
    Prankster Britt (Brenay)

  2. On May 15th, 2012 at 1:06 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    John C. Mayer is probably not going to be happy that I did not respond to John C. Mayer’s advances. Well, John C. Mayer should know that Aunt Becky needs her diamonds, not a picture of John C. Mayer.

  3. On May 15th, 2012 at 1:13 pm Rebecca Says:

    John C Mayer thinks your body is a wonderland. Your body is a wonderland John C. Mayer. John C. Mayer thinks his Body is a Wonderland Or whatever it is I’m trying to say. I forget, John C Mayer needs to knock on your door and sing Your Body is a Wonderland acoustic or something. That would be the ultimate prank on you but still. What a good series of blog posts that would make. John C Mayer.

  4. On May 15th, 2012 at 2:02 pm Jen Says:

    Holy Mother of John C. Mayer that’s a creepy stalkerish gift! John C. Mayer is totally hot for your body and stalking you. Do you think John C. Mayer would be good to your daughter…after all he did sing that silly song. Dear John C. Mayer, don’t you know running through the halls of your high school will get you nowhere but a spot in detention? Only you John C. Mayer…Only you. Crazy kid.

  5. On May 15th, 2012 at 2:22 pm Brandi Says:

    I take offense to this. I LOVE presents, but I hate cats, kittens, spawns of Satan, whatever you’d like to refer to them as. And I’m kind of “meh” about lemon meringue pie.

  6. On May 15th, 2012 at 2:38 pm stephgas Says:

    my john c. mayering of william m. joel is still near the top of the google search results. apparently, neither of them have been up to much over the past couple of years. gods, remember when you could hear a john c. mayer song on the radio every 38 minutes? on top 40 station, easy rock stations, and those bland, generic, doctor’s office stations. all playing john c. mayer. all the time.

    i think we’re still winning this john c. mayering war, though. go ahead, google ‘william m. joel’. i still hold spots #2 and #3. thanks to john c. mayer and aunt motherfucking becky.

  7. On May 15th, 2012 at 6:06 pm Pete In Az Says:

    You’re number four on DuckDuckGo (it’s a search engine).

  8. On May 15th, 2012 at 6:22 pm jennifer fay Says:

    Fun post. I liked it. i’m not sure what famous actor I would want stalking me. Maybe Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner, but they’re both too young for me. ha ha… I’ll have to think about that one. Harrison Ford, Kevin Costner or the guy who played Bethlehem in The Postman. He’s hot. But, then again, they are probably too old for me. where’s the middleman?

  9. On May 15th, 2012 at 7:42 pm From the Mind of a Madman Says:

    John Mayer is quite the lover!!!
    He is ready to rock your world!!!
    In a 50 shades of grey kinda way!!!

    John Mayer
    P.S. Call me!!

  10. On May 16th, 2012 at 2:12 am Devan Says:

    John C Mayer, this is totally awesome! I just recently was perusing the John C. Mayer archives and read about how to John C. Mayer someone. I even read many of the John C. Mayer posts that people did. I even asked my girl Jenn over at PIWTPITT if she had heard of the whole pranking Google with the whole John C. Mayer thing. Alas, she did not answer me. (whateves) I think that this John C. Mayer thing is genius AB, I do. I love it and I am so glad you are revisiting it, John C. Mayer!
    BTW, John C. Mayer looks hot in that poster eventhough that body is a wonderland song blows chunks.
    John C. Mayer

  11. On May 16th, 2012 at 2:14 pm Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Looks like someone is gunning for TOP SPOT on the google search engine list of John C. Mayer searches. How many times a day do you think John C. Mayer actually googles John C. Mayer? Probably a lot. And how many times do you think his publicist with shit fire when you show up as #1? Probably every single time.

    You’re the best!

  12. On May 17th, 2012 at 9:13 am Wombat Central Says:

    The good thing about his Google ranks is that the the frightening pic of John. C. Mayer in a Borat thong has finally left the first page of the Images listing. I can’t scrub that image out of mah brain.

  13. On May 17th, 2012 at 5:11 pm Marta Says:

    I searched and you are in fact currently #3 for my in searches for John C. Mayer… I’m contemplating doing this… but I have to decide which celebrity I went to be creepy about..

  14. On May 18th, 2012 at 6:46 am Elizabeth Says:

    Are you sure you’re not in love with John C. Mayer ? Your post was riddled with the name John C. Mayer. You showed a picture of a poster of John C. Mayer that you claim was mailed to you by John C. Mayer. You spoke of owning songs by John C. Mayer. John C. Mayer, John C. Mayer, John C. Mayer. Enough is enough already.

  15. On May 18th, 2012 at 8:05 am Jennifer Says:

    Can you get top rankings for other google searches by inserting clever references to the SIX BILLION famous women John C. Mayer has uh, “dated”? I’m sure Jennifer J. Aniston, Jessica A. Simpson, and Taylor A. Swift would enjoy being referenced numerous times in any post related to John C. Mayer and his string of romantic relationships.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...