In a fit of what I can only call “mid-twenties rebellion” my husband married me. It’s not like I’m a bad person, on the whole, if you were to meet me, you’d probably think I was “nice” or at the very least “interesting.” I don’t have oozing sores, I am freakishly fanatical (read: annoying) about saying my Pleases and Thank Yous, and if nothing else, I can probably talk to you about nothing at all. For a long time. Even if you want me to shut the fuck up already, Aunt Becky.

But our respective childhood’s could not have been any more dissimilar if you had tried. In fact, dissimilar is not the right word. Not even close. Opposite is probably a better term, and even that doesn’t truly encompass our differences.

My parents were hippies, and his were religious. Very religious.

Now, these aren’t mutually exclusive situations, not by a long shot, and I would probably never think of myself as “anti-religion” in an way shape or form, despite my non-affiliation with any major faiths. To place my faith most simply, God and I get along just fine.

And the only problem that I have with certain sects of religious people is their propensity towards being assholes.

And I don’t mean that ANYONE who goes to church qualifies as an asshole (so please don’t mistake me here. I have know a number of people who were both religious and nice at the same time), but there are certain people who manage to both be church-goers and fuck-heads (there are plenty of non-religious fuck-heads too, but at least they’re not trying to evoke the name of Jesus in their assholedom. I have read the Bible, and am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t approve of treating other people like dog shit ESPECIALLY IN HIS NAME.). Like being a member of XYZ Church qualifies them as better than you could ever be, and they have no problems telling you so.

That doesn’t seem too God-fearing to me, it seems more to be a study in duplicity.

Ask a waitress, ANY waitress and she’ll back me up here. This type of religious people are the hardest to wait on. No, I don’t mean those that just go to church, believe in God, whatever goes along with that, no not at all. I’m referring to the people who have a problem with ME (who is presumed not to be a member of their church) the moment they sit down. They scream their orders while their kids throw sugar packets at my head and syrup into my apron pockets, bark at me when their food is not quite whatever enough, run me around like I had no other tables and then, in lieu of a tip, I’d get a pamphlet on their church, which neatly detailed how I could change my obviously crappy life for a better one if I joined it.

Wow, their behavior ABSOLUTELY makes me want to join them in worship (if the sarcasm isn’t dripping off your screen, it should be).

Now, before you think that I am merely bitching about not getting paid, that could not be farther from the truth.

(Editorial Side Note: Let me break this down simply for you who have not had the pleasure of serving: A server in Illinois makes $3.09 an hour, whether they are running their asses off or picking lint from between their toes. All of the taxes from tips–even if you do not get any–are estimated at about an 8% tip per bill, and removed from this amount. Most of the paychecks I got as a waitress were for some ridiculous amount: $0.21, $0.10, or my favorite “why’d you bother printing this out” $0.00. So if you do not get tipped, you don’t get anything to compensate, and if a table were to walk out on you, the amount of their checks would be taken from your tips.)

I’ve been broke before. I’ve forgotten to grab extra cash and stiffed a server one night (after telling them, of course) and had to go back in the following day with their tip. It happens. Some of my favorite tables were not my high-rollers, they were the people who had carefully scrimped and saved all month to go out for dinner, requested me as their server (wouldn’t you? Don’t answer that.) and then realized they didn’t have enough to leave me a tip. I didn’t care.

Their kindness made up for it. Period.

But it is unacceptable (religious or not) to treat me as though I am somehow beneath you and then try to shove your religion (you cannot tell me that any religion condones this sort of behavior) down my throat.

So it was with great trepidation that I met and married my husband, knowing full well that his parents were as wary of me as I was of them. Thankfully enough, we don’t discuss matters of religion or politics around my house (nor am I honestly trying to do that here), and we keep our opinions on hot button issues quiet. I’m certain that I’ll never be 100% approved of, considering I spent a good couple of months trying to work the whole Schweaty Ball thing into Christmas this year, and have already enlisted the help of my brother to work “boner” into next year’s celebration, but we have reached an uneasy peace.

The whole Baptism thing has come up now and again, and I have promised that either of the children can be baptized so long as I don’t have to plan it. I would have no way of knowing what to do, and between all of the birthday parties, I’m pretty sick of planning crap.

I don’t know. I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to be all offensive and say “religious people are assholes” as some kind of rule, because I don’t believe that. I just find it interesting that those people who are VERY obviously churchy, can also be the biggest fucks that I’ve ever met.

So what pissed YOU off the last time you worked in customer service (if you’ve ever had the pleasure)? And what made you scared and/or biased toward certain people? Aunt Becky needs your stories today, as she’s feeling all out of sorts.