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Jesus Don’t Want Me For A Sunbeam


In a fit of what I can only call “mid-twenties rebellion” my husband married me. It’s not like I’m a bad person, on the whole, if you were to meet me, you’d probably think I was “nice” or at the very least “interesting.” I don’t have oozing sores, I am freakishly fanatical (read: annoying) about saying my Pleases and Thank Yous, and if nothing else, I can probably talk to you about nothing at all. For a long time. Even if you want me to shut the fuck up already, Aunt Becky.

But our respective childhood’s could not have been any more dissimilar if you had tried. In fact, dissimilar is not the right word. Not even close. Opposite is probably a better term, and even that doesn’t truly encompass our differences.

My parents were hippies, and his were religious. Very religious.

Now, these aren’t mutually exclusive situations, not by a long shot, and I would probably never think of myself as “anti-religion” in an way shape or form, despite my non-affiliation with any major faiths. To place my faith most simply, God and I get along just fine.

And the only problem that I have with certain sects of religious people is their propensity towards being assholes.

And I don’t mean that ANYONE who goes to church qualifies as an asshole (so please don’t mistake me here. I have know a number of people who were both religious and nice at the same time), but there are certain people who manage to both be church-goers and fuck-heads (there are plenty of non-religious fuck-heads too, but at least they’re not trying to evoke the name of Jesus in their assholedom. I have read the Bible, and am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t approve of treating other people like dog shit ESPECIALLY IN HIS NAME.). Like being a member of XYZ Church qualifies them as better than you could ever be, and they have no problems telling you so.

That doesn’t seem too God-fearing to me, it seems more to be a study in duplicity.

Ask a waitress, ANY waitress and she’ll back me up here. This type of religious people are the hardest to wait on. No, I don’t mean those that just go to church, believe in God, whatever goes along with that, no not at all. I’m referring to the people who have a problem with ME (who is presumed not to be a member of their church) the moment they sit down. They scream their orders while their kids throw sugar packets at my head and syrup into my apron pockets, bark at me when their food is not quite whatever enough, run me around like I had no other tables and then, in lieu of a tip, I’d get a pamphlet on their church, which neatly detailed how I could change my obviously crappy life for a better one if I joined it.

Wow, their behavior ABSOLUTELY makes me want to join them in worship (if the sarcasm isn’t dripping off your screen, it should be).

Now, before you think that I am merely bitching about not getting paid, that could not be farther from the truth.

(Editorial Side Note: Let me break this down simply for you who have not had the pleasure of serving: A server in Illinois makes $3.09 an hour, whether they are running their asses off or picking lint from between their toes. All of the taxes from tips–even if you do not get any–are estimated at about an 8% tip per bill, and removed from this amount. Most of the paychecks I got as a waitress were for some ridiculous amount: $0.21, $0.10, or my favorite “why’d you bother printing this out” $0.00. So if you do not get tipped, you don’t get anything to compensate, and if a table were to walk out on you, the amount of their checks would be taken from your tips.)

I’ve been broke before. I’ve forgotten to grab extra cash and stiffed a server one night (after telling them, of course) and had to go back in the following day with their tip. It happens. Some of my favorite tables were not my high-rollers, they were the people who had carefully scrimped and saved all month to go out for dinner, requested me as their server (wouldn’t you? Don’t answer that.) and then realized they didn’t have enough to leave me a tip. I didn’t care.

Their kindness made up for it. Period.

But it is unacceptable (religious or not) to treat me as though I am somehow beneath you and then try to shove your religion (you cannot tell me that any religion condones this sort of behavior) down my throat.

So it was with great trepidation that I met and married my husband, knowing full well that his parents were as wary of me as I was of them. Thankfully enough, we don’t discuss matters of religion or politics around my house (nor am I honestly trying to do that here), and we keep our opinions on hot button issues quiet. I’m certain that I’ll never be 100% approved of, considering I spent a good couple of months trying to work the whole Schweaty Ball thing into Christmas this year, and have already enlisted the help of my brother to work “boner” into next year’s celebration, but we have reached an uneasy peace.

The whole Baptism thing has come up now and again, and I have promised that either of the children can be baptized so long as I don’t have to plan it. I would have no way of knowing what to do, and between all of the birthday parties, I’m pretty sick of planning crap.

I don’t know. I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to be all offensive and say “religious people are assholes” as some kind of rule, because I don’t believe that. I just find it interesting that those people who are VERY obviously churchy, can also be the biggest fucks that I’ve ever met.

So what pissed YOU off the last time you worked in customer service (if you’ve ever had the pleasure)? And what made you scared and/or biased toward certain people? Aunt Becky needs your stories today, as she’s feeling all out of sorts.

13 Comments to

“Jesus Don’t Want Me For A Sunbeam”

  1. On January 18th, 2008 at 1:13 pm Cricket Says:

    I have a bias against religious people, different reasons, same effect. Only maybe I’m worse.

  2. On January 18th, 2008 at 1:54 pm Leslee Says:

    No. You’re not an asshole for saying it. There was this kid in high school that used to follow me around. I was nice to him cuzz no one else was and I felt sorry for the kid. One day, he gave me a comic strip pamphlet. I nearly peed my pants when I read it. It was something about how Johnny was going to Hell cuzz he ate a grape at the grocery store without paying for it and now he was a crack head who got it on with prostitutes. I thought he was being funny and requested that he figure out how to get his hands on the entire set, as I just HAD to have them. He found them, gave them to me and then asked when I would be attending services. *blink* He then followed me around for the rest of the year telling me about how I was going to Hell and blahblahgotomychurchorburnblah. I still have the little comic book pamphlets.

  3. On January 18th, 2008 at 1:20 pm becky Says:


  4. On January 18th, 2008 at 4:12 pm Emily Says:

    MY GOD! (OK, sorry, I couldn’t resist.) I did not realize that experience was universal. I totally got those obnoxious people who then left me a pamphlet instead of a tip. I HATED that!!!

  5. On January 18th, 2008 at 4:45 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    One of my favorite moments in customer service was the fellow who called our customer service call center FROM HIS BATHTUB.

    That runs a distant second to the day that my coworkers and I found the handle of the toilet plunger in the Barnes & Noble men’s bathroom COVERED WITH VASELINE.

  6. On January 18th, 2008 at 4:26 pm Heather Says:

    One of my ‘friends’ in high school got religion – and the bad kind; she used to follow me around telling me I was going to hell because I tanned in a tanning bed! Used to piss me off to no end. She’s lost the bad religion, and I stopped visiting tanning salons (though because I was afraid of hellfire).

    As for bad customer service experiences: I worked in a fairly upscale children’s boutique with a pretty generous return policy. Anyway, this lady returns a pair of pajamas that were easily at least a year old and faded. She said they shrunk and didn’t fit her kid. So after *much* bitching on her part, the manager agrees to refund her. After she leaves, I go to dump them in our bin for non-saleable items, and there was a shit stain in the seat of them! Cue the retching sounds.

  7. On January 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm Heather Says:

    And I should proofread before submitting:
    “though NOT because I was afraid of hellfire.”

  8. On January 18th, 2008 at 5:16 pm becky Says:


    And Heather, that’s just low. I dislike returning stuff (used or not) because I hate having to fight with the person on the other end of the counter. It’s my fault for misplacing something like “original packaging” or “receipt,” but I hate being treated badly for it.

  9. On January 19th, 2008 at 2:07 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more. And I’ve never even worked in “customer service”. Unless you count teaching, which I do. The most annoying (and basically mean) parents all went to church at least twice a week. I had a lot of truly f***ed up kids and probably 80% were the spawn of self-described lovers of Jesus.

  10. On January 19th, 2008 at 8:35 pm honeywine Says:

    Tina had regulars all the time and she loved waitressing in Indiana. The Southern accent works wonders. You should totally try to fake one! Even if you get it wrong it’ll be a hoot! It must’ve worked with her; she made anywhere from $35-$70 a day.

    Molly…vaseline? ewwww I hope someone had one of those grabbers!

  11. On January 20th, 2008 at 8:02 am Liz Says:

    I found this blog via Wheels on the Bus – and this post made me laugh and groan at the same time. I was a waitress/bartender for four years in Kentucky…and I was in seminary (religous school) at the same time. My favorite thing would be when a over-zealous church group would sit my bar section and try to leave me their flyer – as if me being a bartender negated my spiritual life. I always made it a point to say, “you can have this back, I’m pretty happy with my church.” The looks on their faces were priceless. 🙂

    Also let me just go ahead and say it, I’m sorry for the religous people who are such jerks. They make the rest of us look bad and give us a lot to overcome.

  12. On January 20th, 2008 at 8:16 pm Angela Says:

    I’m totally marrying into a pamphlet-carrying family. My future mother-in-law sent my fiance a two-page email explaining hell and brimstone and how we were headed straight to it when he told her that we were moving in together. The funny thing is, I really, honestly, TRULY think that she means well–she’s just really selfish.

  13. On February 5th, 2008 at 10:20 am Johnny Says:

    So hilariously funny and true. (lmao) I was looking up lyrics to one of my favorite Nirvana songs and stumbled onto this blog. I lived in Georgia for a while and my neighbor found out I was mormon…(obviously not finatical). In addition to the abundance of pamphlets, preachers, and eggs, that visited my doorstep, I was also “blessed” by the ol’ “flaming pooh in a bag” trick. Classic! (The old man called the shit pooh again!) I wish I could count how many times I was told either I’m going to hell or just “go to hell”. Pretty comical, and to your point… some people just feel it’s their God givin right to be assholes.

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