Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Jello Molds Are Not My Idea Of A Party


It’s Memorial Day weekend, and I’m thrilled that The Daver will grace the home with his lovable presence. We’ll probably BBQ some hot dogs (low fat–sadly), sit outside and enjoy the weekend. For once this terrible spring, it seems to be warming up slightly. I take this as a positive omen.

We’re not really a celebratory family for this sort of holiday. July 4 goes pretty much unnoticed, we BBQ, we watch the fireworks, and if they were “legal” in this state, we’d light sparklers. We don’t have knock down parties, inviting our friends, we have no real traditions unless you count not having traditions a tradition (I do).

Memorial and Labor Day are the same for us: we enjoy the time off, we try to remember why we have these days off, we might BBQ, we might not. They’re just not holidays I care about that much.

Pretty much any holiday that falls from January to October I don’t care for, and that sadly includes my birthday. Remember when you couldn’t wait for your birthday? You’d shiver with excitement over the mere thought of it being Your Birthday for weeks before it happened, reminding everyone in a 10 mile radius that it was going to be YOUR BIRTHDAY soon. I kind of miss those days.

My birthday is in July, the day after Bastille Day and I’m totally dreading it. Last year was the absolute pits, I had been in a wedding the day before, I had a cold, Alex was up every hour on the hour, and then at 1 AM I ended up with in the ER with a corneal abrasion. I spent my birthday proper hiding like a vampire from the light, which caused me excruciating pain. I also couldn’t see out of one of my eyes, so it was disorienting to try and do, well, anything at all.

Sadly, the Vicodin they gave me in the ER was the highlight of the day.

It was a highly depressing day. When you get older, no one remembers your birthday, and no one makes a big deal out of it. It’s not a landmark unless you turn an age that ends with a ‘0’ and since those come along only about every ten years or so, it’s not something you can really look forward to.

As much as I’ve told The Daver that I don’t want to acknowledge my birthday in any way this year and pretend like it’s just another day to avoid the inevitable disappointment of it all, I know that I’d be sad if he did this. I want the day to be special, but I don’t know how to make it special (unless recreational Vicodin use is involved). I’m truly conflicted by my birthday this year, and I’ve got to think of how to resolve this before my husband sells me to the gypsies or worse, the Republicans (I TOTALLY AM ON THE REPUBLICAN MAILING LIST AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GOT THERE).


I’m SUCH a little bitch! How do I resolve this, y’all?

Have a truly wonderous weekend, all of you, even my super-stealthy lurkers out there. Aunt Becky and her Sausages love you madly, sweet Internet Friends. We’ll catch you on the flip side, where I can only hope heavy drug use is involved.

posted under It's Becky, Bitch
39 Comments to

“Jello Molds Are Not My Idea Of A Party”

  1. On May 24th, 2008 at 3:43 pm Elizabeth Ann Says:

    Hey we have the same birthday! Last year I was on a research vessel with a dozen people barfing over the side of the boat. As I do not get seasick I got to do all the work. When I pulled up my research sample out of the water there was a jellyfish on the top of the tube and the mother fucker stung me. Then spent an hour in the boats “bathroom” trying to figure out how to piss on my own hand. Ahh memories.

  2. On May 24th, 2008 at 4:09 pm Jessee Says:

    I thoroughly enjoy your blog!

  3. On May 24th, 2008 at 4:29 pm abandoning eden Says:

    For the first time in years, my birthday is going to be on a Saturday. Next Saturday in fact! Plus my bf just moved into my apartment a little more than a month ago, so I decided we needed to have a cohabitation party as well. So around 4-6 long lost friends from far away are coming from Friday-Sunday, and on Saturday about 10-15 additional friends from close by are going to come by and we will all smoke and have a bbq in my tiny concrete backyard.

    They told me last year when I turned 25 that it was my last “big” birthday until I turn 30. Lies!!

  4. On May 24th, 2008 at 5:00 pm heather Says:

    I disagree, I think b-days that end in ‘5’ are also special. This year in November, I will be 35. So we are going to Florida to visit my sister for that and Thanksgiving, and we’re going to Disneyworld, byotches! I am going to make them call me Princess too.

  5. On May 24th, 2008 at 5:51 pm Michelle Says:

    I am so with you! Sadly husband and I rarely even acknowledge our wedding anniversary. It will be our 15th this year! Yikes!! To celebrate this weekend (and the 4th of July) we will put our flag up! I have never been big on Holidays. I even take my tree down 2 days after Xmas, because I am sick of it by then.
    I had a “0” b-day this year, and the only way you could tell was because my kids wanted cake, so I bought individual slices at Dominicks. It was perfect-no muss-no fuss!

  6. On May 24th, 2008 at 7:11 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky. For proof that we were meant to find each other, check out how I feel about MY birthday (which is thirteen days after yours) at

  7. On May 24th, 2008 at 7:49 pm Cricket Says:

    I would treat it like Mother’s Day. As a single mom, nobody much cares for my Mother’s Day, except for the poor school art teacher having to fire 1000 little pottery pieces for the eager students.

    As a result, I plan my own. I make sure to plan something my son would enjoy, too, as it’s no fun to have a family day if the kid is miserable. So him being happy spills over. We’ve gone to MLB a few times, even done putt putt. Together and not fussing is the best gift.

    But then this is how I cope with Mother’s Day. My birthday in August usually falls during his month with his dad, so it can be rather depressing. Then I drink.

  8. On May 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm Holly Says:

    Man I so thought you said Jello SHOTS. LOL

  9. On May 24th, 2008 at 9:42 pm Chris Says:

    There was one year when I actually forgot that it was my birthday until my wife called me at work to great me happy birthday.

    My youngest was born the day after my birthday but my wife went on labor on my birthday. CJ actually popped out at 12:30 AM and I tried bribing the doctor to declare his birthday the same day as mine but she didn’t go for it. Man. Where did all the corrupt doctors go?

    Hey Aunt Becky, I’m glad that you have a birthday…

  10. On May 24th, 2008 at 9:42 pm Chris Says:

    ooops…I meant greet not great…

  11. On May 24th, 2008 at 10:27 pm Wishing4One Says:

    Becky, what a blog you have, LOVE IT. We will be back soon… and to think you don’t even like Vodka, LOL!!!

  12. On May 24th, 2008 at 10:49 pm b Says:

    We wont be doing anything special either. We’re just not “those” people. Sometimes I think we suck because we’re not. I vote for vicodin and doobies on our birthdays..why not? Oh yeah..that whole “we’re adults with children now” thing.

  13. On May 25th, 2008 at 7:22 am birdpress Says:

    Yeah, we don’t celebrate many holidays either. We are the ones home staying sober while our friends get together for parties! I don’t mind though. I like the time off to do what I want without obligations.

    I had a birthday ending in zero this year. My birthday always falls in the time shortly after Christmas when we are most broke, so we can never do much. Plus I had just started my new job and didn’t have much work, and J’s job was slow, so ya know. It was depressing. I didn’t want to turn 30.

    Sorry I’m not any help! Just letting you know you aren’t the only one whose birthdays tend to suck. Maybe you’ll have a great one this year! I hope The Daver does something special because you do deserve it.

  14. On May 25th, 2008 at 9:16 am Stefanie Says:

    Another July b-day here. Mine falls the day after July 4th, so it’s mostly on July 5th. I used to get slightly more excited for my birthday when I was single as it was a good excuse to go out drinking and have other people buy said drinks. But now my birthday is like any other day. But you know what? Now I get super excited about my daughter’s birthday. Not that I throw her a big party, but I get psyched up to shower her with attention and make her excited that it’s her big day. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m a better mother than you. But you knew that.

  15. On May 25th, 2008 at 11:11 am Calliope Says:

    How about you let the internets throw you a party? I’ll bring the sparklers (I have like 30 boxes of them in my pantry…don’t ask)

  16. On May 25th, 2008 at 12:38 pm Ames Says:

    Not doing anything special here either really. We have to go to a wedding tonight (yeah…on a sunday night at 4:00…kinda ridiculous if you ask me but oh well). Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

  17. On May 25th, 2008 at 1:03 pm Eliza Says:

    OMG I LOVE YOUR MASTHEAD!!! I also really like your writin style, yay, new (to me) blog! Here via NaComLeaveMo, and I’ll be back!

  18. On May 25th, 2008 at 1:20 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Re: Summer “holidays” – We tend to have a low-key day ’round Casa de Crazy, where I always hope to sleep in a little and maybe have some help with the dishes and am inevitably disappointed on both fronts. We do spend some time thinking and talking about the reason for the holidays – I am always grateful that people have been and are willing to establish and protect my freedom. Tomorrow I will raise a glass to the men and women I’ve known (and haven’t) who have served and paid the price for it.

    Re: Birthdays – I have never much liked them. When I was a child, they were largely overlooked or forgotten entirely by family, although Mum did try…we were just broke and I wasn’t popular enough (at all) in school to warrant friends having a party for me. Now that the legal milestones are well past (drive, vote, purchase and consume alcohol), I don’t think I should have to celebrate getting older any more. You have a bit of time to plan…maybe that wonderful fella of yours can manage to plan a surprise weekend away, complete with childcare far away from you (like, in Timbuktu). I know you love your kids, but I believe that every mama needs time off every now and then. I hope that he finds a way to delight you and give your birthday a special flavor – if for no other reason than that he and your kids (and your readers) really are very glad you were born.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  19. On May 25th, 2008 at 2:15 pm Susan Says:

    Whew…now I don’t feel so pathetic about not wanting to celebrate all those summer holidays. (It seems as if everyone I know is off camping this weekend..eww!)

    You really should have a big ol’ party for your birthday though…not that I ever do, but still.

    Great blog btw!

  20. On May 25th, 2008 at 2:26 pm Nicky Says:

    Last year, for my husband’s birthday (ending in 0…) we got a bunch of his friends together at a brew house for beer and appetizers. 22 people got violent food poisoning the next day, leading to a huge health department investigation of the restaurant. We’re pretty much over birthdays now, too….

  21. On May 25th, 2008 at 3:33 pm Ann Says:

    I feel the very same about my birthday as the years click by. ug. So not the same. Almost dreadful. This year push aside that tired jello mold and grab some jello shots!!! That’ll spice up the day. 😉

    Happy Long weekend to you8!!

  22. On May 25th, 2008 at 4:01 pm Ginny Says:

    I’m visiting from NaComLeavMo, love your blog title!!!

  23. On May 25th, 2008 at 4:02 pm Kristen Says:

    I have always loved my birthday so much and I want it to be special. But since being married, I am dissappointed far more often than not. This year I cried the entire day.
    Hope you have a nice weekend just hanging with the family.

  24. On May 25th, 2008 at 5:18 pm Shawna Says:

    I would do something decadent, if I were you. Eat a big steak or a slice of cheesecake and watch your favorite movie or read your favorite book. Something you either don’t have time to do or just usually wouldn’t do. That would be my suggestion.

  25. On May 25th, 2008 at 5:40 pm Sam Says:

    Does it count if I have the opportunity to enjoy heavy Rx drug use but don’t actually take advantage of it? I suppose I could post a picture of all my medications, just waiting there for me…

  26. On May 25th, 2008 at 6:46 pm Jenn Says:

    I always get bitchy around my birthday. Kent’s just learned to deal with it I guess.
    Also, I think you might take the prize on suckiest birthday ever. At least you know this year has GOT TO BE better than last year, right?

  27. On May 25th, 2008 at 7:21 pm InDueTime Says:

    I soooo thought there would be something about jello shots, too. Hey, maybe if you made some jello shots and stuck a candle in them, it could very well turn into a very, very HAPPY birthday, after all.

    …just a thought 🙂

  28. On May 25th, 2008 at 8:07 pm Mommypause Says:

    My anniversary is the day before my birthday and for the last 3 years my husband and I usually have the worst fights over that period of time. Go figure?

  29. On May 25th, 2008 at 9:52 pm honeywine Says:

    I’d ten times rather have M. do something wonderful on a whim than remember my birthday. Sadly, he does not have the take-a-hint gene.

  30. On May 25th, 2008 at 10:14 pm Kate Says:

    I wound up on the Republican’s mailing list as well so I just have fun filling out the surveys and messing with the curve. 🙂

  31. On May 26th, 2008 at 1:23 am quietgirl? Says:

    When you’re a kid your birthdays are special because other people do make a big deal about it. But as a grown up, we get to make it special however we want to. Make it a little homage to our own awesomeness, possibly involving ice cream cake, possibly more 🙂 Also, I don’t like the whole aging-is-depressing thing, so I like to have a preemptive strike of why my life is awesome that year (yes it may involve lying to yourself), and also make sure that I’m not looking to raggedy or bloated in advance, so I can feel hot enough not to feel like I’m on the downward slide. Eh, but I’m no expert. Although the ice cream cake, I don’t know, I think that might be a law or something. July birthdays are awesome 🙂

  32. On May 26th, 2008 at 6:13 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I used to be like you (i.e. birthdays are not a big deal) until I met my wife. I don’t know if it’s just her, or the fact that she taught kindergarten, but birthdays are SPECIAL now. Even before we had my daughter, she was getting balloons and streamers (this is for two adults in a tiny apartment, mind you) and does presents and a homemade cake and whatever.

    I try to tell her it’s not that big a deal, but she insists. And while I do feel like a five year old boy, it’s still kinda fun (well, at least parts of it are…)

  33. On May 26th, 2008 at 9:21 am Alyson @ 3 Ps in a Pod Says:

    Well here is hoping you have a much better day today than on your birthday!!

    Love your header and blog template!

    I am visiting from NCLM…hope you enjoy. come by and visit me anytime!

  34. On May 26th, 2008 at 9:31 am DD Says:

    I use to hate my birth days as well. As a teenager it never failed that I was grounded on that day, usually the fault of my sisters, and add to that, my first period showed up on my 13th. Not an auspicious date.

    However, I’ve decided that my bday doesn’t have to end in 0 or 5 to make it special. In July, I will celebrate my 3rd Annual 39th. Make your day the day you invite your friends and family over for BBQ or a pool party or a water gun fight or a fireworks display.

  35. On May 26th, 2008 at 10:11 am Candid Engineer Says:

    Visiting through NCLM. My birthday is coming up in 10 days or so. The letdown of adult birthdays really depresses me too… so now, instead of pretending that it’s ‘no big deal’, etc, I tell my husband that I WOULD like to do something special. I still DO think it is a special day worth celebrating. You should do the same! You want to celebrate, so do. If it’s something you can muster, go out to dinner with family or friends, or have a few people over for cake and drinks. Nothing wrong with being an adult who likes to celebrate. :o)

  36. On May 26th, 2008 at 1:58 pm Angela Says:

    I go through this same thing on my birthday every year. Mine is always the first week back at school…sometimes the first day of school. We are always broke at this time of year, my kids are whipped up about all the newness of the year, and the entire world is burned out on barbeques and parties at this point. I often wish I could simply fall off of the face of the earth rather than endure another birthday. Any way that you can go away some where? That would be helpful to me, for sure. Not possible though.

  37. On May 26th, 2008 at 8:57 pm tash Says:

    I’ve refused to “celebrate” my birthday for a few years now. I think if you set low expectations to begin with, that everything will just be gravy. I think of it as an excuse to make a cake of my choosing and eat as much of it as I desire. Anything else that happens is just a bonus.

    I’d love to get out of town on my birthday, and spend the day by myself — going to a spa, going to a movie, going to a museum, anything really. I hear ya — minus the “I’d be sad” part, because I think I already was going in.

  38. On May 26th, 2008 at 10:41 pm lindz Says:

    ugh..your such a typical woman, you say you don’t want something that you know you really do..why do we do this? and then we will be bitches, if we are not …um..remembered and given enough..presents or whatever..tell him what you really want, him to take the day off, and you to have a spa day.

  39. On May 27th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Tombo Says:

    July 6th here.

    I honestly hope that nobody remembers my birthday, as I hate big hooplas.

    My wife doesn’t understand that, and is always trying to get me to invite friends over…. 🙂

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