…of “Ask Aunt Becky!” The search terms are a-rolling in, and I have some new advice for people who search for weird fucking things. I’m not a therapist, I don’t play one on TV, but I am a blogger who apparently searches for normal things like “Celsius Conversion.”

Dear Aunt Becky,

How do I paint flowers on bathroom wall? Any advice for me?

Love,

Artsy in Seattle

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Dear Miss Bad Taste,

Step away from the paint can, love, because attempting to paint flowers on ANY walls of your house, ESPECIALLY a bathroom, is a bad freaking idea. Why? Because it’s BUTT UGLY unless you are a 90 year old grandmother.
And then your friends will come over and you will force them to look at your bad taste in action, and they will have to bite their tongue to keep from laughing at the terrible job that you did. THEN, they will start avoiding hanging out with you because they will be so horrified that you willingly painted such a monstrosity on your own wall, and that kind of crazy MIGHT be catching, so to be sure, they will stop returning your calls.

Love,

Aunt Becky

P.S. Hire a decorator to smack some sense into you if the flower thing still seems like a good idea.

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Dear Aunt Becky,

What is the relationships purpose of the silent treatment e-mails? I just don’t understand why people aren’t writing me back. Please help.

Signed,

Lonely in LA

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Dear Clueless in California,

I don’t mean to rain on your parade or anything (do you get rain out there in Cali?), but I’m pretty certain that you can’t get the silent treatment from written words. Mainly because they are WRITTEN and therefore not spoken.

But if what you’re asking is why someone hasn’t written you back, I would consider several problems: first, your body odor, which you seem intent upon letting permeate all of your clothing can be addressed by a simple shower and a little thing we like to call “deodorant.” Check your local pharmacy for a whole aisle devoted to the stuff.

Secondly, if you’re “emails” consist of pointless and annoying forwards that include “quizzes” to tell your friends what their choice of cocktail means (cosmo = dy-no-MYTE in the sack), I would imagine that your “friends” are telling you that they don’t appreciate their in-box being stuffed full of stuff that needs to be deleted anyway.

Besides, Aunt Becky prefers a bit more personal means of communication: the telephone. Methinks you should invest in one post haste, along with some deodorant, and for the love of all that is holy, STOP WITH THE FORWARDS.

Or honestly, maybe it’s the flowers you painted on your bathroom walls.

Sincerely,

Aunt Becky