Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

It’s Mail Bag Time!


First off, I want to say thank you to anyone who had something nice to say to me in the past couple weeks. It’s been a really hard time for me, and while I don’t really like to sit and whine about it, it’s nice to know that my friends in the computer love me. They really, really love me.

So, I’m going to lighten the mood here, and bring you an irregular feature I like to call Fan Mail, or Mail Bag, or something with the words “bag” in it. Especially if it’s a euphemism for testicles (nut bag). Then I’m happy (T-bag).

Either (ball-bag) way, I’m bringing to you, my lovely readers, a Q and A forum wherein *I* answer the questions that bring people to my doorstep. Any punctuation (fun bag) is usually mine, and any spelling issues are often theirs, since I’ve learned to use a little feature I like to call Spell Check (man bag).

Dear Aunt Becky,

what happens when you are having sex and a big wet spot occurs?


Sticky and NOT Sweet.

Dear Drowning In The Spooge,

There are several things that one can do to prevent the big wet spot. Condom usage comes to mind, as does the pull-out-n-pray method. Or you could even designate a particular towel to mop up Lake Spoogekins before it seeps out onto your designer sheets.

My own personal favorite method, however, my sticky friend, happens to be something I like to call Making Damn Sure We Hump On His Side Of The Bed. Eliminates all problems for me.

Eternally Yours,

Aunt Becky.


My Dearest Aunt Becky,

Why do I have extra skin on balls?


Dangly Bits

My Dear Old Balls,

I hate to be the one that breaks the news to you that you might want to consider investing in a sort of man bra for your nuts. While a dangly scrote is typically considered a good thing for men wanting to impregnate their partner, due to the cooler temperatures away from the body, if you’re not trying to procreate, it’s just got to be kind of annoying.

But, sadly for your ball bag, as men grow older and their skin begins to lose some elasticity, the nuts themselves begin to droop lower and lower, until one day you realize that they are submerged while you’re taking a dump.

I only wish I were kidding.

Perhaps a bra might help?


Aunt Becky


Aunt Becky,

Where can i find maternity skinny jeans?


Fashion Concious

Dear Slave to Fashion,

Even if I knew (I do), why would you want to know? Do you have any idea how stupid you’re going to look once you really start to get heavy up top? Imagine pulling those puppies over your swollen third trimester ankles, why don’t you?


Aunt Becky


Dearest Auntie Becky,

Congratulations on your divorce.


Becky is a bitch.


Dear Anonymous,

Will you marry me?




Now, these posts (of which I believe I’ve done one before) are pretty hard to do. You’d think they’d be easy, but as of today I have 305 search terms that have brought people here for the month of November, most of which are so fucking disgusting that I can barely stomach them before noon. I’d repeat them, but it’d bring more hits to me for these perverts.

The other sort of search term I often get are people searching for their own name. Which is, hello, HILARIOUS. Especially since the only person whose full name I’ve divulged is my own.

So who is gonna confess here? Who found me by searching for “Cheeseburger Crotch?”

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
41 Comments to

“It’s Mail Bag Time!”

  1. On November 13th, 2008 at 12:56 pm swirl girl Says:

    The title for this post should have been Male Bag, not Mail Bag.

    -a bra for the ball sack? what should it be called?
    Testystraps? The Bralls? Support for your hose?

  2. On November 13th, 2008 at 1:05 pm Marinka Says:

    I can’t believe that you printed all my letters without permission like that.

  3. On November 13th, 2008 at 1:07 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    rofl..I vote for The Bralls..hehe..

  4. On November 13th, 2008 at 1:11 pm Kristine Says:

    I aspire to recieve emails like that. FOr now I will have to settle for them all thelling me how disfunctional my penis is. Oh and there’s the guy from Nigeria who I need to get back in touch with about some money.

  5. On November 13th, 2008 at 1:39 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I found you by accident…in my neverending search for penis wrinkle cream.

  6. On November 13th, 2008 at 12:48 pm Rachel Says:

    Nothing like numerous ball references to make me giggle.

    On that topic, I had to take my car in to get my (lug)nuts tightened yesterday. I announced to the garage guy with a totally straight faced.

  7. On November 13th, 2008 at 12:55 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Testicle Tote Bag
    Potato Sack
    Coin Purse

    Just wanted to help you increase your repertoire.

  8. On November 13th, 2008 at 2:23 pm Brooke Says:

    I am soooo proficient at the lets-finish-on-your-side-of-the-bed-so-I-can-sleep-well method. I mean let’s face it, who ever you are with is probably so damn excited that he/she is getting laid they are not even thinking about the wet spot until it’s too late.

    Yay for being smart!

  9. On November 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm Mark Says:

    bag butter.

  10. On November 13th, 2008 at 2:45 pm Holly Says:

    ROFL That’s too funny.

  11. On November 13th, 2008 at 2:47 pm mumma boo Says:

    Is Scrote Tote taken? 🙂

  12. On November 13th, 2008 at 2:51 pm Miss Grace Says:

    It was me :/

  13. On November 13th, 2008 at 2:12 pm Sarah Says:


  14. On November 13th, 2008 at 3:23 pm Karen Says:

    You are too funny. It is all about humping on his side.

  15. On November 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm queen-size funny bone Says:

    cheeseburger? or furburger? you crack me up.

  16. On November 13th, 2008 at 3:50 pm queen-size funny bone Says:

    how do you find out the searches that lead people to you?

  17. On November 13th, 2008 at 2:53 pm Dot Says:

    So, tighty whities for the old guys, eh? I’m so glad to find that there’s a place I can go to get all my tasteless questions answered. ;-D

  18. On November 13th, 2008 at 4:23 pm birdpress Says:

    Oh, you should make this a weekly feature! Dear Abby ain’t got nothin’ on you. 😀

  19. On November 13th, 2008 at 4:32 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Cheeseburger crotch?! That is priceless. Priceless and gross.

    According to the Internet, my blog is the leading authority on monkey porn. People loves ’em some monkey porn.

  20. On November 13th, 2008 at 5:47 pm Maggie Says:

    Thank you for showing me just how many dirty uses “bag” can have. I look forward to more…

  21. On November 13th, 2008 at 5:53 pm Jenn Says:

    It was me. I’m a big fan of cheeseburger crotch.

    Bag is my new favorite word.

    And I like you. I really, really like you.

    P.S. I also employ the “hump on his side of the bed” method. Good advice.

  22. On November 13th, 2008 at 6:41 pm Fancy Says:

    As usual, you crack me up. My favorite bag right now is “Douche Bag”.

    I didn’t know you accepted questions. I’ll be back.

  23. On November 13th, 2008 at 6:48 pm Coco Says:

    Dear Drowning In The Spooge

    This was literally all it took to make me wet myself in this post, but the comments took a close second.

    Mumma boo, “Scrote Tote” has my vote for the ball bra moniker. Let’s market that puppy. Think we can get Billy Mays to do our infomercial? Oh, the possibilities.

  24. On November 13th, 2008 at 7:32 pm Deb Says:

    It’s nice to know the younger generation is keeping up the traditions. Can there still be a woman out there, above the age of consent (which in my state now is 14 – don’t ask) who doesn’t know that you shake your money maker on his side of the bed? There is no way I would sleep in HIS splooge induced wet spot. My comfort is paramount. To me anyway.

    I want in on this nut sack bra. I think y’all are on to something.

  25. On November 13th, 2008 at 6:34 pm Em Says:

    Seriously, why I do not have a Google Analytic account or any of that stuff. You know, other than I wouldn’t know how to set it up, run it, or Analytic it.

    There’s some pretty sick tickets out there. Makes me feel downright normal.


  26. On November 13th, 2008 at 6:36 pm bee Says:

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

  27. On November 13th, 2008 at 7:51 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    my search term was “Lake Spoogekins”

    then I forgot, and used “submerged testicles” to get back

  28. On November 13th, 2008 at 8:24 pm Anita Doberman Says:

    My number one term was, old lady vagina! I mean seriously? followed by grown men breastfeeding and giant nipples …

  29. On November 13th, 2008 at 8:27 pm giggleblue Says:

    why am i still laughing like a young child at the word balls…. does one grow out of this??

  30. On November 13th, 2008 at 9:28 pm honeywine Says:

    What? Where am I? How DID I get here? lol

  31. On November 13th, 2008 at 10:41 pm Io Says:

    Ha! I have the best solution ever to the first problem! Get a man who has nothing coming out of those saggy balls!

    Wait. That solution sucks actually.

  32. On November 14th, 2008 at 12:02 am Edward Says:

    WEll I came upon your blog through a blog roll…I can’t remember whos now but when I say “mommy wants vodka” I could not help but go out and look. Being that I was a homeschooling mama that hit the wine at 3 pm…well “mommy wants vodka” sounded right up my alley.

    Then when I came to your blog and saw the “God kills a kitten every time you masturbate” well I could relate as a 38 year old man in FTM puberty! I often feel bad for masterbating and figured maybe a kitten really does die but who cares…I got to get my rocks off lol!]

    O.k. O.k. serious now. …I started reading and as a mama I could relate, as a man I could relate, as a parent I could relate, as a partner I could relate…. so that is why I keep reading.

  33. On November 14th, 2008 at 7:56 am tash Says:

    Seriously, who humps in the bed anymore anyway? Isn’t that passe?

    I’m guessing these are old timers, trying to stay hip and cool. Everyone knows the healthy thing these days is a lo-carb crotch wrap.

    But I keep reading to stay cool, so what do I know.

  34. On November 14th, 2008 at 9:19 am heather Says:

    It wasn’t me, but I often admit I keep a cheeseburger in my crotch in case I get hungry. It stays warm down there.

  35. On November 14th, 2008 at 9:52 am jerseygirl89 Says:

    And I thought my search terms were bad!

  36. On November 14th, 2008 at 10:05 am guilty noodles Says:

    First of, I just have to say your very first response was right on… I ALWAYS shift to HIS side of the bed.

    Second, my husband is a product WHORE and as he was reviewing his man grooming catalog, he came across this:
    High quality talcum keeps “your boys dry,” smelling great and free from unnecessary friction. Just a shake in your shorts is sure to ward off both “bat wings” and the dreaded “swamp ass”. Available in Original, Tingle and Fragrance-free.

    Dude, I am not making this up. I actually ran upstairs to bring the catalog down. It’s at, under “sweaty junk” and for a mere $15.

    What are “bat wings”, Aunt Becky?

  37. On November 14th, 2008 at 1:11 pm magpie Says:

    His side of the bed is definitely the ticket.

  38. On November 14th, 2008 at 10:33 pm Sandy Says:

    I found you through someone else’s blog and I can’t remember who it was, but I would like to thank them.

  39. On November 15th, 2008 at 9:06 pm shay Says:

    They hang in the toilet? Really? It seems only fair as our boobs move down towards our belt buckles lol.

    So how do you find search terms for your site? AND cheeseburger crotch? Really?

    Oh and two thumbs up on the skinny jean question. Actually I think it could just be said of all skinny jeans. Think of how bad they look as you pull them up over your ass?!

    thanks for the laugh! You rock!

  40. On November 16th, 2008 at 10:21 pm Denise Says:

    That is totally what I needed tonight.

  41. On June 19th, 2009 at 12:51 pm The Rant Boat, Episode 2 – Guest Starring MummaBoo in Playing With The Boys! « Mommyhood and Life Says:

    […] parts, and the garments with which they might be clothed. Alright, alright, she was wondering what other people called banana hammocks, ok? Never dreaming that my smart aleck comment to her query would take on a life of its own, I […]

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