Mommy Wants Vodka

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It’s Like The Punch Line Is Eluding Me


I’m not a good joke teller. I have a steady repertoire of about 5 jokes–all of which are not kid-friendly in the least–and it’s like any time I try and add another one, I’m stuck with only remembering the punch line. It goes through my head in a circular loop, planted there like a song until something distracts it out of me.

Today, all I keep repeating is this “Drained wops keep falling on my head.” There was something about vampires and Italy, but I can’t recall it to save my life although I remember it being funny. Whether it was or not remains to be determined.

Last night was my first night since Amelia was born that I was genuinely on my own. The Daver has a job that while it leaves me to be a single parent most weeknights, was kind and flexible enough to allow him to work from home to support all of us. I can wax poetic about how irritating it is that he’s always on call or that work always seems to have A Big Problem whenever we’re doing something cool, but I’ll never forget how kind they’ve been to us.

I figured I could handle this, right? Sure Alex is sick and Amelia is catching it and so what if I was up the night before with my mind racing unpleasantly? I WAS A ROCKSTAR AND I COULD DO IT.

But last night my kids, who have inherited my sick sense of humor, had other plans that graciously allowing their precious mother 10-12 hours of uninterrupted sleep before awaking to serve me breakfast in bed and then clean my house for me. I know, right? The NERVE of them. And of course they seemed to sense that I had no backup for the following day.

Because my daughter was up until midnight, restless and cranky and just as I got her off to the Land Of Nod and firmly ensconced in her bouncy sleep my middle son began to shriek like he was being attacked. So off I trundled to get him another bottle of water and some cold medicine (did I mention we are all sick? Because we totally are.) and by the time I got in there I saw the cause for his screams.

Somehow, my darling most wonderful middle son took off his damn diaper and pissed all over the crib and his beloved ragged blankie. Awesome. But whatever, not the end of the world. Fixed that, popped him back into bed and once again shlepped my ass back to bed.

Second verse, same as the first, right? I fall asleep to be awaken after a brief moment to the melodious screams of my Alex. Finally at 2 in the morning I cried uncle after still not catching more than a couple minutes of sleep and begged Daver to help.

4:30 rolled around awfully early and found Amelia looking for a snacky-poo and by this time I couldn’t fall back asleep once we were done. And holy SHIT are babies loud sleepers or WHAT? I’d completely forgotten that.

So my day today has been…interesting. I’m so tired that I’m all jangly and I feel like somewhere, someone is laughing at me because I totally thought I could handle this.

Epic FAIL.

posted under The Sausage Factory
33 Comments to

“It’s Like The Punch Line Is Eluding Me”

  1. On March 9th, 2009 at 3:48 pm heather... Says:

    the loudest fucking sleepers EVER. Sleeping like a baby means keeping everyone else around you awake.

  2. On March 9th, 2009 at 3:29 pm giggleblue Says:

    thing is, you are handling it. you really truly are. these are ordinary circumstances, and even if they were, your actions would still qualify as handling it.

    you totally need a night nurse. where the hell is dave???

  3. On March 9th, 2009 at 3:30 pm giggleblue Says:

    leaving the first comment makes me look all stalker- ish and shit. you know it’s not even like that!!

  4. On March 9th, 2009 at 3:47 pm kalakly Says:

    One of my fondest memories of me and #2 dear spitfire daughter o mine at about 5 weeks give or take, was me on the couch in front of her in her bounce swing, crying for like the 12th hour straight and me yelling GO TO SLEEP over and over again, like that helps…..hubby to the rescue or maybe it was CPS, I can’t remember. And she only hates me a little to this day!

  5. On March 9th, 2009 at 5:11 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Yes. You can do it and you are. But it’s not easy and of course you think you can’t.

  6. On March 9th, 2009 at 4:26 pm Stacie Says:

    I remember when my mom went back to UT and Joe went back to work and it was just me, a 2 year old, and a newborn. He was up all night, she decided she didn’t need naps anymore, and I all I wanted to do was cry. Of course, 5 years later I still feel like that sometimes.

  7. On March 9th, 2009 at 5:29 pm Meghan Says:

    I remember those days, those nights. Hell I’m still there. Mine still don’t sleep worth a dime. And I’d pay someone to take them for me during the day. It’s all a test to see how insane they can make you in the next 6 months. Guess what you won the prize;) You get one just like me, White hairs and all!! Take a breathe maybe tonight will be a miracle and they will a nod off at 7???

  8. On March 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm Heather P. Says:

    Hang in there honey. You know last week I mentioned on Facebook about the Vicks Vapo Rub on the feet-Well IT TOTALLY WORKS! Just in case the boys have a cough. Still praying.

  9. On March 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm Danielle Says:

    Have Daver build a sound proof room this weekend. Problem solved! You’re welcome *smug*

  10. On March 9th, 2009 at 6:12 pm Anjali Says:

    You are a rockstar, even with bags under your eyes.

  11. On March 9th, 2009 at 5:16 pm colleenfalling Says:

    You are doing awesome. I did not sleep the first 3 months, but I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Of course as soon as I went back to work and hubby took paternity leave, Finn started sleeping through the night PRESTO!

  12. On March 9th, 2009 at 5:25 pm Betts Says:

    This too shall pass.

  13. On March 9th, 2009 at 7:12 pm Lola Says:

    As long as everyone is still alive and in one piece, it’s not a fail! You did good, kid 😉

  14. On March 9th, 2009 at 7:09 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Eh, not a failure, just a good mom! My kids talk in their sleep, so I am forever waking up and calling out “What? What? Did you say something? What?” and then when I give up, they actually wake up and start in on what was going on that made them talk in their sleep.

    I think we’re all perpetually exhausted from the moment sperm meets egg.

  15. On March 9th, 2009 at 7:23 pm Eva Says:

    Being sick and taking care of kids is just the worst.

    It’s ridiculous and unnatural for primates our society is set up so that so often we are on our own. It’s not your fault, it’s society’s!

  16. On March 9th, 2009 at 8:31 pm heather Says:

    I didn’t think I’d ever leave the house again. Or clean, dress, shampoo, etc. etc. after Beans was born. Hell, I was still in pjs at 6pm most days. How the hell you are doing it with three is astounding. It always gets easier after you get your groove with new little one. I thought one was so hard until I had two. Now I imagine the only way to make the two seem easy is to have a third, right? Maybe that’s how those Duggars ended up with 18. And, hey, TOTALLY not advising that one.

  17. On March 9th, 2009 at 7:35 pm michelle Says:

    I recall, none too fondly, the days when 2nd child was a baby and 1st was 3.5 and it was the dreaded “tax season”. Hubby is a C.P.A. working 7 days a week 8:30 a.m. to roughly 2:00 a.m. every.damn. day. Not home for dinner except for Saturday nights. and Sundays. and then back to work. (Same thing now, except we are used to it and kids have learned to hunt and forage themselves. and can read the “Do Not Disturb” sign on my door.)

    One night he came home at like 2:00 a.m. and as he opened the garage door, there was 3 year old riding tricycle in circle as I held infant at arms length, my arms shaking, and tears streaming down my face. They were alive, by just a little bit, but we were “doing it”. Who knows how I didn’t completely snap or whatever, but you just get through it. No shame in calling in whatever help you can get. Let the TV be the sitter, let them eat crap, let the laundry pile up, whatever.

    And gee, just a few weeks ago, were you not the mommy praying for all this crap just to let your baby girl be ok and we all said before you know it she would be driving you crazy? Looks like she started earlier than we all expected?

    Feel well, and hang in there. Spring is close and the colds will blow away with the fresh air.

  18. On March 9th, 2009 at 9:40 pm swirl girl Says:

    hate to tell you sweetie – but you are handling it…with humor and love.

  19. On March 10th, 2009 at 6:30 am Badass Geek Says:

    Dyslexia and ethic slurs all in one!

  20. On March 10th, 2009 at 6:31 am Badass Geek Says:

    I meant ethnic. Not ethic.

  21. On March 10th, 2009 at 6:39 am SCY Says:

    I think you’re doing a great job! Also remember these are extenuating circumstances – if you were all healthy it would be a different story I’m sure 🙂

    Cut yourself some slack Aunt Becky!


  22. On March 10th, 2009 at 6:30 am Ellie Says:

    Nope. You can. You are. You will.

  23. On March 10th, 2009 at 7:50 am deb Says:

    Ah, but you *ARE* handling it. Even if it is jangling your nerves, your doing everything you need to do to take care of your family. Remember, it doesn’t last for long although it may feel like forever. Just keep on breathing Becky. Your dong fine. 🙂

  24. On March 10th, 2009 at 8:52 am Kristine Says:

    You are doing a great job, even if you don’t feel like you are, you are.

  25. On March 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am honeywine Says:

    Where is that Mary Poppins bitch when you need her? 🙁 Sorry, you’re having a rough time. My only cure is caffeine which you probably can’t have. 🙁

  26. On March 10th, 2009 at 11:46 am Susan Says:

    You’re an epic rock star! I can honestly tell you that we would hate your guts if you painted a picture of rainbows and unicorns flying out of your ass instead of snot and tears city. Obviously most of us have been there and know you’re telling the truth. The truth sucks. Almost as loudly as babies sleep. I hope you all feel better soon. ‘Til then, nothing but pajamas, no reason to bathe, eat a lot of brownies and keep blogging!

  27. On March 10th, 2009 at 11:38 am amy Says:

    Mad props to you mommy warrior!!! I have 1/3 of the headache, I mean “joy” and I am EXHAUSTED!!!!
    My husband is out of town a few nights every week too, and it never seems to get easier not having him around!

    Hoping your week picks up and everyone is feeling better soon!

  28. On March 11th, 2009 at 9:49 am heather Says:

    Stories like these remind me why I’m glad my daughter is 15.

  29. On March 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm charmedgirl Says:

    what do you call a deer with one eye?

  30. On March 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pm Kristen Says:

    Oh sweetie, you know I wish I could be there to lend you a hand, a shoulder to scream on and a sleeping pill. I so feel your pain. I can’t imagine how hard these weeks have been, especially with Amelia’s surgery Hang in there, even though you can’t possibly be expected to handle all this, you are, in fact, doing it. I hope you are all feeling better pronto.

  31. On March 12th, 2009 at 7:09 pm Fancy Says:

    You did totally handle it, silly, just not in the Mary Poppins way you had originally envisioned!

  32. On March 13th, 2009 at 2:42 am Pamela J. Says:

    Wow – your description here freaks me out more than the brain surgery – is that sick or what? You are out-numbered, girl! The mention of pee reminded me — remember how when you’re a kid everything totally grosses you out, like nasty sh*t in the sink & hair in the drain? The idea of a kid who peed the bed, I couldn’t imagine it. And then she did it for almost 10 freaking years. That’s how it all works out — they beat you down. And suddenly you’re falling asleep in pee, holding a wad of hair in your hand with dirty dishes on the floor.

  33. On March 15th, 2009 at 6:32 pm tobacco brunette Says:

    And I was thinking of going for number two and doing a fresh IVF cycle in the fall.

    Yeah. Fuuuuck that.

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