Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

It’s Horses – Gotta Be Horses


Because The Guy on my Couch has a job that requires a car, and I am benevolent enough to allow him to use mine, I’m stranded at my house most of the time. It’s okay – really. I get to indulge in my workaholic ways as much as I want without the pesky Real World getting in the way.

It’s okay until I have to go to the doctor. THEN, I have to ask my mother to drive me. Which, I tell everyone, is a condition of my parole, but that’s a lie – I’m on house arrest.

On Tuesday, my mother picked me up and took me to the endocrinologist so I could a) note that I’d gained 10 pounds, and 2) cry because I’d gained 10 pounds. Also: my 6 month check-up.

Of all my doctors, my endo is my favorite and not just because I get to People Watch in the waiting room and loudly proclaim – I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM in a high nasally voice (although that helps)(it’s not like I can be all I HAVE A VAGINA in my OB’s office)(it’s redundant).


Having a glandular problem not NEARLY as glamorous as you might think – I was ultimately convinced that my thyroid – that asshole – had taken off for greener, less diseased pastures. Like Detroit or Wyoming or something.

Turns out that I was wrong.

My thyroid is still firmly ensconced in my neck and, here’s where shit gets awesome, has grown a friend. His asshole friend carries a 5% risk of cancer. With friends like these, you don’t need enemies.

I’m sure it’s nothing. Probably a benign cyst or an oyster or diamond or something.

At least, I hope.

I sure do like diamonds. And horses. Not zebras. Never zebras.

37 Comments to

“It’s Horses – Gotta Be Horses”

  1. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:45 am Paula Says:

    My thyroid is an asshole too, but so far hasn’t invited any friends over. Sending good vibes that your new bodily resident is benign!

    I’m going to a horse expo this weekend, want me to pick up one up for you? I could totally ride it to your house!

  2. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:48 am Amy - Hamlet's Mistress Says:

    Hugs to you. Because you’re sounding so very cavelier but if you’re anything like me… and I’m so sorry if you are… you are actually flipping the everloving eff out. If you’re not like me then… well good. And if that’s the case then I want to be like you. πŸ™‚ Let us know what happens.

    Luvs you to, AB.

  3. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:48 am Teala Says:

    Dude. I hope it’s a diamond. And not something bad. I will be the shit out of your thyroid if it’s friend isn’t a horse or a big diamond.

  4. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:52 am Teki Says:

    Doing an US? Uptake? Biopsy? Or all of the above?

  5. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:53 am Jeans Y Says:

    I like horses too… zebras are iffy but hyenas are out of the question. I’ll be thinking about you – hope all goes well sweetie.

  6. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:57 am mommabird2345 Says:

    Thinking of you and hoping for diamonds & horses.

  7. On March 8th, 2012 at 11:58 am Katrina Says:

    Dude, there is too much shitty shit going on in blogland lately. That thing better be a diamond. Or maybe you’re growing an evil twin?

    Thinking good things, sending sunshine and rainbows in your direction.

  8. On March 8th, 2012 at 8:42 pm Amy Says:

    That was my guess. Your twin is finally growing (al’a My Big Fat Greek Wedding πŸ˜‰

    Hoping you get the news and fast. Waiting for such stuff sucks. And that it is a diamond.

  9. On March 9th, 2012 at 10:42 am katrina Says:

    exactly! what my twin said…..

  10. On March 9th, 2012 at 11:49 am Katrina Says:

    Multiple Katrinas! Which one of us is the evil one?


  11. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:08 pm Marie Says:

    This happened on New Girl this week, but I don’t know if it was a re run or not.

    I’m going to call an Amelia on this one and say it going to be something awesome and you’ll not be affected by it at all πŸ™‚

  12. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:21 pm No Good Says:

    I’m guessing diamond or keys to a Jaguar. Because if these things can find a way to your magical closet, why not your thyroid?

  13. On March 9th, 2012 at 11:58 am leanne Says:

    My thoughts exactly!

  14. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:32 pm Phoenix Says:

    What the fucking fuck? Now it takes two hands to count the people I know (reading your blog is totally the same as knowing someone in real life, right?) with tumors or cysts. Everyone else’s was benign… here’s hoping you are like everyone else! Or even better: you are growing a money tree. Or an evil twin.

  15. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:42 pm Leslie Says:

    Hoping for a diamond. Although an evil twin would be awesome, too!

  16. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:44 pm thepsychobabble Says:

    Your thyroid is a whore. What with the uninvited guests and all.

  17. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:47 pm Kathy Miranda Says:

    Sending excellent thoughts your way. Your thyroid was just lonely.

  18. On March 8th, 2012 at 12:50 pm melanie Says:

    I am choosing to says its 95% NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT…. damn thyroid

  19. On March 8th, 2012 at 1:44 pm Mrs Jenna Says:

    I had one of those once. My endo had the nerve to call it a goiter and suddenly I was an 80 year old woman in a 22 year olds body. And it was benign. And I got to watch them drain disgusting fluid from it for 3 months before it finally went away on its own. Gross, but also a happy ending! A disgusting success story!

  20. On March 8th, 2012 at 2:54 pm Grace Says:

    With your sparkling personality, it’s GOT to be a diamond!

    Although all the evil twin talk has me thinking of the aunt in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who tells the in-laws about the growth they found on her neck that contained some spinal column and teeth. Just what you want to hear from your son’s crazy new in-laws!

  21. On March 8th, 2012 at 3:27 pm Jenn Says:

    Dude! I really hope its a diamond too… that would be awesome.

  22. On March 8th, 2012 at 3:32 pm Mom On A Line Says:

    I’m with you. I hope it’s not zebras. Those zebras should always stay away (but never seem too in my world). Although, saying you have a diamond problem out loud in the endo’s office would be pretty awesome. Talk about people watching!

  23. On March 8th, 2012 at 5:07 pm Pete In Az Says:


    Don’t be hunting zebras now… OK?

  24. On March 8th, 2012 at 5:34 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Definitely a horse. Remember when I thought I was having a heart attack and it was boob pain? Remember that. It’s a horse.

  25. On March 8th, 2012 at 6:14 pm Melissa Says:

    Dont be scared. I’m sure it’s not a zebra. And possible something that can be drained. Eew in any case. You better tell your Thyroid NO MORE GUESTS!

  26. On March 8th, 2012 at 6:37 pm Tara Says:

    I hope they let you know soon. Waiting sucks.

    Also, why not a zebra?

  27. On March 8th, 2012 at 9:11 pm Pete In Az Says:

    When you are trying to diagnose something, you look for the most common cause (the 95%). Unless you are in southern Africa, if you hear hoof-beats outside your window, you look for a horse, not a zebra. In other words, you start with the most likely explanations first.


    It’s. A. HORSE.

    Could be a diamond.

  28. On March 8th, 2012 at 7:03 pm WestCoast Weirdo Says:

    I went through this too & my growths are just that, growths. No cancer. Do you only have one or do you have more? I have LOTS, it’s like my thyroid is the Woodstock of my body!

  29. On March 8th, 2012 at 9:05 pm magpie Says:

    I hope it’s a diamond. A pretty, sparkly one.

    Love you.

  30. On March 9th, 2012 at 8:28 am Robyn Says:

    My mom had the same thing, they wanted to biopsy it (ie. stab a gigantic needle repeatedly into her neck & pull stuff out). She did it & I accompanied her. It was a painful experience for her, and she said she wouldnt do it again, as there was only a 5% change that it was cancerous. I know thats probably not helpful but wanted to share her experience, just in case.

  31. On March 9th, 2012 at 12:02 pm leanne Says:

    I’m going with a diamond encrusted thyroid — kinda like that phone you added all the bling to. Clearly, your life needs a little more sparkle.

    Otherwise, HORSE. Repeat as many times as necessary.

  32. On March 9th, 2012 at 2:02 pm Liz Says:

    I’m going to wish for a purple diamond. Cause they’re shiny and taste like purple.

  33. On March 9th, 2012 at 2:10 pm Dilovely Says:

    Wow, that’s shitty, Aunt Becky. As if you haven’t had enough to deal with. Fingers crossed for you. Maybe your thyroid was just lonely.

  34. On March 9th, 2012 at 8:06 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Well, Aunt Bex, looks like we have something in common. My thyroid had uninvited guests too. And then I had to do the evil biopsy, from which I will never EVER recover, and not one but TWO pathology labs said “highly suspicious for cancer”. So they took my thyroid out… not a terrible surgery, as far as they go, but it did involve an IV and blood draws, and me and needles, we are just NOT friends. So anyway, a week later, turns out… no cancer!!!! YAY!!!!! And let me tell you, I was flippin my lid and freakin the F out. I mean, for about 2 months, I thought I had cancer, and now, I am just a girl without a thyroid. Hmph. I’m personally overjoyed. So I’m pretty sure you might get a look in there and find your whore pants… that’s my guess.

  35. On March 9th, 2012 at 8:18 pm Fearless Fibro Warrior Says:

    Instead of slathering you with pity, I will instead tell you a story that was brought to my mind when you said, “My thyroid is still firmly ensconced in my neck and, here’s where shit gets awesome, has grown a friend.”

    Once when a staff member was out (to get a fatty deposit removed from her scalp), I told a few others she was having a twin removed from her neck. The AFLAC lady had arrived to do paperwork, and said, I shit you not, “Me too!”

    This resulted in a very good story, which I listened to while removing my feet from my mouth.

    Some day, I should blog it. Maybe if I have too much to drink tonight…

  36. On March 9th, 2012 at 8:49 pm Mrs.Joyner Says:

    Can I say the cliched “I know how you feel?” If it makes you feel better..My thyroid grew a friend, which I ignored for about 8 months..wherein the friend EXPLODED and then bled into my thyroid. Umm..oops? I had the evil biopsy done on Tuesday..while it wasnt fun & I freaked the f*ck out because that’s how I roll..Even w/all the exploding & was STILL benign. Not even a hint of cancer. The doctor was even dumbfounded. I tend to do that, to be the enigma. So, I’m sure you will too. Please keep us updated!!

  37. On March 10th, 2012 at 2:12 pm Christina Says:

    I had that happen, when I was 15. Its funny you mention gynos, because it was my gyno that found it while she was feeling me up for growths in the boobies. She checked my neck for no apparent reason and felt the knot. A couple appointments with an endo and a biopsy that showed it was “pre-cancerous” (whatever that means) later, we had surgery scheduled for the Friday before spring break. I was back in class the Monday after spring break. I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO MISS ANY SCHOOL.

    But, anyway, it turned out to be benign. The left half of my thyroid had separation anxiety and just died a couple months after the right side was gone, so I’ll be on medicine for the rest of my life, and I’ve got an awesome scar, but there’s worse things that could happen.

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