Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

It’s Electrified!


Now to those of you who are worried that I might be merely posting boring pictures of my garden, let me assure you that this is exactly what I am doing. But (always a butt with me), just like a shitty after school special, there is a moral. Although, not in a Jerry Springer Let’s Have A Moment way.

Also, can you vote for me? Please? Pretty please with a nutsack on top? It will help my fragile ego churn out less boringest posts. Vote here and here and here. I’ll make out with you.

The first link is to a brand new award that someone cooler than me nominated this blog for.

2009 BlogLuxe Awards

And I want to hump them for it. Thank you.

First, let me show you my rose bush:


Okay, so this is my climbing rose bush. I planted it last year in the midst of my miscarriages as I find gardening to be nearly as cathartic as beating people senseless with my fists of fury. Because gardening means less jail time!

Felonies or not, this rose bush is insanely awesome and healthy looking. It’s far bigger and better than it should be.


But wait…what’s that pipe say? I can…hardly…make…it out.



My rose is fracking radioactive!

So that’s the way it is in my family.

25 Comments to

“It’s Electrified!”

  1. On June 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am jenni Says:

    Bwhhaahhaa Just make sure your garden frogs and lizards dont have 3 eyes!

  2. On June 6th, 2009 at 11:21 am Danielle Says:

    HA! That means your roses can totally kick ass! All the other rose bushes in your neighborhood better watch out!

  3. On June 6th, 2009 at 11:41 am fidget Says:

    1 i miss gardening

    2 i voted for ya

  4. On June 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm kalakly Says:

    I want to see the peonies!!!! I hope you win:)

  5. On June 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    I voted. for you. I guess I’ll take the makeout session. Maybe. I mean, you’re nice and all, lovely really, but I prefer the aforementioned nutsack in my makeout partners. Though when I think of the image that word “NUTSACK” conjures, I can’t for the life of me think of why. I guess it just looks more appealing than the alternative.

    Anyway, can I phone a friend? I have 20 or 30 horny male friends dying to be my proxy on this.

  6. On June 6th, 2009 at 2:47 pm RJ Flamingo Says:

    That just explains so much. Really.

  7. On June 6th, 2009 at 2:12 pm Mwa Says:

    I’m the same with gardening. I really don’t particularly care about it so much (yet), but it sure helps when the mindfucks set in. Lovely roses!

  8. On June 6th, 2009 at 2:47 pm a Says:

    I don’t like gardening. I do like throwing some plants in holes in the ground and watching what they do. It’s like gardening, but without all that weeding and watering crap. And dividing. I really hate dividing. Would you like to come and “borrow” half of my plants next spring? They’re starting to get overgrown.

    So, that’s the secret to nice roses…Mine looks awful – something is always eating it. Maybe if I fertilized it with radon, though, it would bloom for more than 2 weeks and then have all its leaves fall off. I don’t really care, though. It must be absorbing the radon from the ground, as it keeps coming back every year.

  9. On June 6th, 2009 at 4:12 pm Inna Says:

    I have some aunts who grow some very very special and extremely strong smelling (the good smell) roses with which they make rose-jam. I really hope they don’t have radon in theirs!

  10. On June 6th, 2009 at 6:01 pm Emily A Says:

    my thumbs are the opposite of green, so I am doubly jealous that your thumbs are not only green, but apparently radioactive as well. nice! I voted too.

  11. On June 6th, 2009 at 6:01 pm Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I don’t do gardening. I am allergic to much of the great outdoors & it’s just easier not to start digging in it.

    I voted for you

  12. On June 6th, 2009 at 6:32 pm Mimi Says:

    Couple comments:

    1. I voted for you because you. are. awesome.

    2. You have a gorgeous bush.

  13. On June 6th, 2009 at 8:00 pm Betts Says:

    I blamed my lame roses on New England winters. I didn’t realize the error of my ways until now.

  14. On June 6th, 2009 at 9:08 pm Emily R Says:


  15. On June 6th, 2009 at 10:07 pm Jenn Says:

    Of *course* I voted for you! Who else would I vote for?! You’re the only funny person I know (no offense, anyone else) and you’re totally the hottest mommy I know. (I’m sucking up right now but that doesn’t mean it’s not all true.)
    Radon rules.

  16. On June 6th, 2009 at 11:23 pm shay Says:

    I’m suddenly loving my garden too and I was way anti-garden before so this is seriously weird!!
    Anywhoooo….heart you. going to vote!

  17. On June 7th, 2009 at 12:35 am Fancy Says:

    Nutsacks, an offer to make out, and your radioactive bush all in one post? Who wouldn’t vote for you?

  18. On June 7th, 2009 at 7:49 am Hope Says:

    I have radon in my basement and a radon pump, too. I don’t trust the pump to get all of the radioactive gas out of there.
    Don’t let your kids play down there.

  19. On June 7th, 2009 at 9:41 am zelzee Says:

    So, radon is good for something!

    Of course, I voted for you!!! You’re the best!

  20. On June 7th, 2009 at 11:10 am Lola Says:

    Maybe that’s what my roses need…

    Congrats on the award, you funny bitch!!!

  21. On June 7th, 2009 at 5:09 pm Kendra Says:

    I voted for you, wholeheartedly!

    I am the total opposite of a gardener. I love being surrounded by living things, but I just stand back and tell my husband he’s doing a great job. That’s my contribution to the garden!

  22. On June 7th, 2009 at 11:26 pm 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why Says:

    Radon? That explains a lot! Beautiful roses! Voted for ya! (I’ll take my pretty please hold the nutsack, thanks!)

  23. On June 8th, 2009 at 8:52 am Suzy Says:


    Your bush is beautiful.

  24. On June 8th, 2009 at 10:37 am Mrs Soup Says:

    The plants! They’s going to attack and eat you!

  25. On June 8th, 2009 at 11:51 am lady lemon Says:

    I’ll vote for you, but you can hold the nutsack. I’m allergic to those.

    Very pretty rose. I’m a big fan of garden photos, so post away. You won’t bore me!

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