Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

It’s Becky, The Slack Jawed Yokel


I stood hunched over the sink for what had to have been close to twenty minutes, while I celebrated my entry into the homestretch of my pregnancy. In that sink, I created a horror scene that would rival any low budget slasher movie, and I was sort of sad that Halloween had passed.

You see, an oft ignored side effect of pregnancy is that you can still get your period. Only it comes out your nose. And since I’ve been getting chronic bloody noses since I was a wee lass, I get them especially bad.

It’s finally stopped, as even I’m not a die hard enough blogger to type a post out while hemorrhaging out my nostrils, mainly because I might ruin the computer with my spattering blood.

Oh yes, it was that bad.

Well, couple the now-stuffy nose with the “I just lost a fucking ton of blood volume and woozy” and add in the fact that I’m suddenly very short of breath–and thereby panting–as my lungs are being compressed by my fetus due to my lack of torso, and you have the ultimate recipe for Hotness.

I’m sitting here on the couch, reclining slightly, slack jawed and panting, obviously a fucking ton of bricks short of a load, and I can’t help but laugh that at one point, my husband saw fit to knock me up. Hehe. Poor guy didn’t know the depths of Ultimate Hotness he’d see his lovely wife turn into.

And by Ultimate Hotness, I mean Slothy and Mouth Breathing.

posted under I Suck At Life
35 Comments to

“It’s Becky, The Slack Jawed Yokel”

  1. On November 8th, 2008 at 9:13 pm Heather P. Says:

    HaHa! I suffer with nosebleeds myself due to having horrid sinuses and living in a moldy old house.
    Let’s just say that Paddycake at five years old, knows that tampons are for bloody noses.

  2. On November 8th, 2008 at 9:37 pm mumma boo Says:

    Ultimate Hotness indeed. I’m fanning myself over here. Phew! 🙂 Nosebleeds, mouth-breathing and moon boots are the new sexy, didn’t you know?

  3. On November 8th, 2008 at 9:38 pm kalakly Says:

    There’s nothing like a tampon shoved up your nose to bring the sexy back!

    Welcome to the 3rd tri…:)

  4. On November 8th, 2008 at 9:52 pm heather Says:

    Oh you poor thing! You should see the doctor, sometimes they can do a very simply procedure in your nose that cauterizes the vein so you will stop having so many nose bleeds. My niece is going through this now, but they are hoping that since you stopped using her nasal allergy spray, they will get better. Do you use anything like that?

  5. On November 8th, 2008 at 9:53 pm Amy Says:

    Isn’t pregnancy GREAT? I’ve been suffering from the nosebleeds during this last trimester as well (I’m blaming mine on the fact that I had to turn the heat on in the house too soon on top of the fact that pregnancy just makes nosebleeds that much easier to get – damn New England weather).

  6. On November 8th, 2008 at 10:21 pm Susan Says:

    So…what on earlh are you going to do in the next three months to top the last six? You’ve had the most um…interesting pregnancy evah!

  7. On November 9th, 2008 at 12:01 am lindz Says:

    wow~and I am wishing to be pregnant again? ~WOW~

  8. On November 9th, 2008 at 12:29 am swirl girl Says:

    yet another reason illustrates why men could NEVER bear children…

    sorry for you – the nose bleeding part, I mean

  9. On November 8th, 2008 at 11:35 pm heather Says:

    Don’t forget the gimpy foot. You are one HOT bitch, Becky. Sssssmokin.

  10. On November 9th, 2008 at 12:56 am Jenn Says:

    Well that sucks… you’re certainly having a rough go of it!
    At least you can (allow us to) see the humor in it, right?
    Your wee one is worth it. And I’ve decided that after all you have been (and are going) through, she must be getting out all her crap now so she can be a perfectly sweet baby once she’s here.

  11. On November 9th, 2008 at 8:47 am Karen Says:

    Oh boy. I have never had a bloody nose in my life. I am sort of scared of them.

  12. On November 9th, 2008 at 8:48 am tash Says:

    The body’s a funny thing when that blood flow starts channeling somewhere else. Feet up, you. (No picture of you avec cotton balls jammed up nostrils? We might just find it rather fetching.)

  13. On November 9th, 2008 at 8:24 am Tina Says:

    Aren’t those fun? I had one 2 nights ago, but it wasn’t all that bad to get stopped. But I know about the panting over the sink.

  14. On November 9th, 2008 at 10:28 am Jenn Says:

    Okay, see, that was me except add dibilitating sciatica that had me randomly falling to my knees and an ice eating addiction so bad that I’m not sure my molars have any enamel left at all.

    But you have fun with that.

  15. On November 9th, 2008 at 10:38 am Collette Says:

    The depths of my hotness came after no 2 was born. That just happens to be the day no 1 decided naps were for suckers, and no 2 decided sleeping at night was for suckers. So, no sleep and no showers makes for a seriously hot wife!

  16. On November 9th, 2008 at 10:39 am Stacey Says:

    That is the one symptom I was spared in my pregnancy. I had massive post nasal drip instead. 4 months with a permanent lump in my throat & clogged sinuses.

    I hope the wooziness passes soon

  17. On November 9th, 2008 at 11:17 am birdpress Says:

    Gosh, Becky, the way you describe pregnancy makes me green with envy. That lovely pregnant glow and all. All you need to do is start describing your hemorrhoids and the men are gonna swoon. 😉

    Seriously, I sure hope you feel better soon.

  18. On November 9th, 2008 at 11:23 am giggleblue Says:

    damn it. not another pregnancy symptom!! i thought i was smooth sailing after the nipple leakage. and now i hear it gets worse??

  19. On November 9th, 2008 at 12:25 pm honeywine Says:

    Yikes. Those can be really scary!

  20. On November 9th, 2008 at 12:15 pm Sarah Says:

    I totally forgot about the spontaneous fonts of blood that shoot from your nose! Awwww… I miss being pregnant.

  21. On November 9th, 2008 at 2:03 pm Queen-sized funny bone Says:

    I have never had a nose bleed and it sounds like I never want one.

  22. On November 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm Betts Says:

    Geez, I was lucky. I only had chronic congestion for months. Make that congested at both ends… stuffy nose and constipation.

    Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon. Then you can have some new crap to deal with…. episiotomy stitches and cracked nipples. This is why men don’t have babies.

  23. On November 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm guilty noodles Says:

    Holy crap, you’ve got it bad. Between the pregnancy, shitting pets, moon boot and now the bloody nose, it really sucks to be you.

    I present to you, “Mom who puts up with WAY too much shit” award. It is a bronzed turd.

  24. On November 9th, 2008 at 8:33 pm Io Says:

    What, you can’t post a picture? I want to experience your hotness.

  25. On November 9th, 2008 at 7:53 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Wow… bloody noses are common? Seriously? My wife had NONE with either kid. She must have been lucky.

  26. On November 10th, 2008 at 6:32 am SCY Says:

    Ai carumba – and I want to get myself into a state of ultimate hotness? *sigh* yes I do…

  27. On November 10th, 2008 at 9:45 am Rachel Says:

    Just look at it this way…’s YOUR brand of sexy, and no one does it better!

  28. On November 10th, 2008 at 9:46 am Dot Says:

    Ooo, sorry you’re going through that. And what a shame to have to worry about your appearance in the process. It’s very hard, going through pregnancy (I’ve been told), and you should give yourself a break from some of that nonsense. Hang in there!

  29. On November 10th, 2008 at 11:40 am Kristen Says:

    I love the blog b/c it is so honest. No where can you find warnings that in the 3rd trimester blood my shoot out of your nose for an inordiante amount of time. So thanks. For preparing me for all the really GOOD stuff that happens when you get knocked up. Lol!

  30. On November 10th, 2008 at 11:50 am Kristine Says:

    I know you weren’t really asking for advice, but sucking on a peppermint has been shown to stop a nose bleed. Just another good reason to eat some candy.

  31. On November 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am Anjali Says:

    I still have fingers crossed that your third trimester will be easier than the first two…

    But in the meantime, sorry it’s been so rough!

  32. On November 10th, 2008 at 12:12 pm Coco Says:

    I’ve never had a nosebleed that bad. Yikes.

    And yes, tampons up one’s nose is the Ultimate in HOT. You Hotty Hot Hottie.

  33. On November 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm Badass Geek Says:


    If this post doesn’t get me breathing hard, I don’t know what will.

  34. On November 10th, 2008 at 11:39 pm Lola Says:

    Dude, I’m going to be totally rotten, because that’s what I do best. I’d rather be bleeding out my nose and mouth breathing than the hideous crap that comes out the other end after baby is born and your tits are leakin’ all over the place.

    So sorry, so very sorry…

  35. On November 12th, 2008 at 4:06 pm docgrumbles Says:

    wow – I had no idea. I guess I should be grateful that I only have the stuffiness without the hemorrhaging!

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...