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It Puts The Guest Post Up Or It Gets The Hose Again – Holiday Rules Edition + Taco Bell


I have a guest post up for you today because I’m still reeling from how in love with all of you I am. You were all so sweet to me yesterday with my post about Amelia’s birthday. Thank you. I needed that. I really did mean it when I said if you were local, I’d be honored to have you (I’m in St. Charles, which is a suburb of Chicago).

Oh, yeah. I rewrote the ending last night if you’re not seeing where I invited you. I’m still inviting you. I’m also asking you this: how long does one have to plan a party if she still would like guests to show up? Like, when should I aim for, knowing her birthday is the 28th of January? Also: do people send paper invites any longer?

Wanted to tell you that have all of the emails you’ve ever sent me about Amelia in a folder that I’m saving to show her some day. I’ll have to print out all of the lovely comments, too, because Pranksters, she deserves to know how amazing her Internet Aunts and Uncles are.


Taco Bell is totally copying me:

Taco Bell is Totally Copying Me

Whatever, Taco Bell. We got the Band Back Together .

I may or may not be in love with Claire. Okay, I so am. She’s hilarious and she’s awesome and she’s witty and if you cut her, I think she bleeds platinum. Total win.

I’m thrilled to have her guest post on my blog today because she’s freaking hilarious. Also, I’m guessing that my blog will probably turn to platinum now that I’ve published her Holiday Rules.

You can follow Claire on her Twitter here and her blog, Claire DeLuncay, here.

THE RULES (Holiday 2010 Edition)

OK, so here’s the thing:

Every year, I try to be a little less curmudgeonly. This vow is usually sworn at Christmastime, when, despite all the relentless marketing propaganda and crass consumerist bullshit, the idea of a being so desperate to save a bunch of idiots from themselves that he sent his only kid to be their punching bag somehow continues to resonate inside my tiny charcoal heart. That said, events of the past year (as well as my the fact that I was graciously invited by Aunt Becky to be a guest poster) have driven me to create one of my occasional “Rules” posts. For those of you who are unfamiliar, I have, as befits an underemployed and struggling author with little to no influence outside a smallish circle of very tolerant and compassionate weirdos, decreed at various times rules designed to minimize my irritation while, y’know, fixing the world ‘n’ stuff. This is one of those times. In keeping with the spirit of the season, I present “The Twelve Rules of Christmas.”


01) When on line in front of me at a fast food establishment (drive through or inside), acting as though you have never, ever, EVER been to any sort of restaurant or engaged in any type of human interaction is now illegal. Pulling up to the drive through in the howling snow and starting a conversation with “Now, let’s see, what do y’all have here?” as though you are in the exotic climes of some distant Caribbean isle, perusing a menu in the charming local dialect, instead of looking at pictures of tacos so dated that one features a young Celia Cruz, is EXTREMELY illegal.

02) The ban on all Snuggies™, Slankets™, and their sloth-breeding kin continues. Anyone attempting to gift me with such an item shall be summarily sentenced to wear ONLY a Snuggie throughout the course of an Ohio winter, said Snuggie having been hand-crafted out of skunk fur and the tub leavings of Robin Williams.

03) All wrapping paper, even the extra-fancy kind, shall now be sold in standardized rolls, and available in quantities of subtler delineation, eliminating the need for one (ok, me) to choose between “enough to wrap the entire city of Toronto” or “enough to wrap several molecules of Buckminsterfullerite.” In addition, attempts to engage other shoppers in a little wrapping paper swordplay shall be met with enthusiastic glee, rather than nervous calls to security. Bunch of damned party poopers.

04) Given the current economic climate, I have reversed my earlier decree and hereby declare fruitcake to be not only legal, but welcome. However, said fruitcake is not to be consumed (unless one has a death wish or the sort of appetite that permits the consumption of, say, an old boot), but rather stockpiled and used as building materials for low-income housing. Much like their less-durable cousins of mud and adobe, these noble fruitcake bricks will provide solid, enduring shelter from the elements while warding away pests (except for, again, the sort of person who thinks it’s okay to eat fruitcake, and they probably have pica. NOT THAT I DON’T APPRECIATE THE FRUITCAKE EVERY YEAR, AUNT CATHY!).

05) And speaking of aunts, it is hereby declared that all children shall be made to understand that the same “weird” aunt who gives you crazy things like “The Lord of the Rings” or “The Iliad” or My First Particle Accelerator™ as gifts when you are a child, rather than Captain Crappy’s Junketron Blaster of Commercial Flackery™ or Barbie’s Magical Dream House of Rigidly Unforgiving Gender Stereotypes™, will become YOUR FAVORITE AUNT when you are older, because as it turns out, genetic drift means you’re probably more like her than your parents, and therefore will be able to find solace and camaraderie in your shared cranky intellectualism. I think we’ve all seen “Daria,” people.

06) In this season of peace and love, freaking out over, or trying to make political hay out of, the following words is now extremely illegal: “Merry Christmas;” “Happy Holidays;” “Christmakwaanzukkah;” “Io Saturnalia.” (That last one may be solely for our time-traveling friends of the Seventeenth Legion of the Roman Imperium. Sorry about the wormhole, boys, I’m trying to fix it as fast as I can! In the meantime, please feel free to invade Gaul. They’re used to it.)

07) All persons applying to shovel walks and driveways shall henceforth be cherry-cheeked, wool-ensconced cherubs with earflap hats and a gleam in their eye, rather than grown dudes with a three-day stubble and the personal hygiene of a particularly indiscriminate hyena. Persons matching the latter description shall be summarily bathed, shaved, and set to work building fruitcake houses for the poor. Persons matching the former description shall be rewarded with hot cocoa and a shiny silver dollar (“silver dollar,” in this context, should be read as “Twenty bucks? To shovel my walkway? You extortionist bastard!”).

08) All drivers will practice their winter driving all year long by coating their tires in butter every three weeks and turning up the A/C full blast. This will prevent both the seasonal amnesia of winter (“What? It’s cold and snowy in November? AGAIN?”) and the driving behavior it engenders (“Bob, look out! There’s mysterious frozen water falling from the Heavens! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”). This rule also applies to shopping patterns, so that otherwise normal people will not, upon hearing that snow flurries are in the forecast, rush to their local market and buy up all the milk, soup and shovels as though they only just now remembered they’d been asked to go on a ski trip with the Donners.

09) Those fake fireplaces that do so well on the iPad and the YouTube and whatnot will now produce actual, extremely merry, crackling heat. I don’t want to hear excuses, Science – you can grow an ear on the back of a fucking mouse, you can make fill my living room with cheery warmth.

10) Persons participating in “Secret Santa” who fill out their info card with terms like “cool stuff,” “whatever,” or “Anything Disney! (followed by seventeen exclamation points and a crudely-rendered Mickey Mouse head)” will receive coal. And by “coal,” I of course mean “NOTHING.” Any person drawing such a card from the communal pool with be given the option of either drawing another name or slashing the owner’s tires.

11) All children’s Christmas programs will now have A) a maximum length of one hour; B) attractive cigarette/snack girls dressed as “Sexy Mrs. Claus;” and C) an open bar. I’m looking at you, Saint Michael’s Academy for Wayward Youth.

12) For a variety of reasons, this time of year is decidedly unmerry for a lot of people; the mentally ill, the homeless, the forgotten, the embittered (which, now that I think about it, describes a fair number of family Christmases. But I digress.). Therefore, all persons on this dinky blue rock are hereby required to pause at some point, seek out someone less fortunate (trust me, even if your name is Bob and you’re working as a buoy, there’s someone out there less fortunate than you, bub) and just take that moment to acknowledge their existence and value as a human being. I don’t care if it’s a hot bowl of soup, a hug and a smile, or some sort of weird, borderline-illegal act in the back of Fast Louie’s Massage Parlor. The point is that you do it. Because Christmas comes only once a year (insert your own “Fast Louie’s Massage Parlor” joke here), but being a decent human being is a full time gig.

OK, that’s it for now, I suppose. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Kwaanza, Joyous Solstice, Gleeful Non-Denominational Mandatory Holiday Gathering, et hoc genus omne. Now let’s get out there and build some motherfucking fruitcake houses. FOR THE CHILDREN.

19 Comments to

“It Puts The Guest Post Up Or It Gets The Hose Again – Holiday Rules Edition + Taco Bell”

  1. On January 14th, 2011 at 10:51 am Jana A Says:

    OMG I’m DYING laughing. The fruitcake. OH GOD THE FRUITCAKE!!

  2. On January 14th, 2011 at 10:51 am BigP's Heather Says:

    So first it was Twitter and now Taco Bell is copying your shit??

    Not only did Clarie entertain, she educated. (after I Googled “et hoc genus omne”)

    LOVE the wrapping paper one!

  3. On January 14th, 2011 at 11:03 am Lauren Elyse Says:

    Claire is BRILLIANT. Especially about fruitcake. I once insisted I could solve all the world’s problems with Slinkies and Duct tape… but her fruitcake idea might even be better than mine.

  4. On January 14th, 2011 at 11:05 am steph gas Says:

    very well put. i think we would all do well to adopt your holiday rules.

    ALSO. i don’t like that the taco bell sauces talk to me. WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DON’T???

  5. On January 14th, 2011 at 11:28 am Claire M. Jackson Says:

    Awww! Thanks Aunt Becky! And thank you, Pranksters, for you commenting awesomeness. You are all hereby on my Fruitcake House list.

  6. On January 14th, 2011 at 11:52 am irant Says:

    Thank you T.S. Eliot – could you throw some greek and possibly a smidge of aramaic into your next post?

    I’m not sure how the two funniest people in this blog ‘o whatever got together, but I’m pretty sure it’s a sign of the apocalypse.

    *singing* And a couple of fruit cakes in a faux bungalow…


  7. On January 14th, 2011 at 12:49 pm a Says:

    I would totally engage in a wrapping paper/light saber battle! That would be awesome!

    And, Aunt Becky – you can send the paper invitations, but if everyone you’re inviting is a regular email user, Evite is the way to go! If you get them out today, it would be enough notice to have the party the weekend of her birthday. But, how are you going to order a dozen life size sparkly unicorns by then?

  8. On January 14th, 2011 at 12:55 pm Lori Says:

    you must have been behind me at the McDonald’s drive through in Annapolis, MD the other day. This IDIOT had the nerve to ask the drive thru speaker thingy “what’s on/in a Big Mac”! I cussed a LOT at that point but of course my windows were up and he went on his merry effing way after 8 mins of menu explanations.. The HELL is wrong with that guy? GO inside if you don’t know what you want and you’ve never been to that new fancy McDonald’s establishment where they serve the fancy burgers and whatnot.

  9. On January 14th, 2011 at 1:05 pm Crystal Says:

    OMGosh she is freakin’ hilarious!!! Hell yeah to the fruitcake houses!! And people who can’t drive in the snow drive me nuts!! And order a frickin’ cheeseburger already!!! WTH?!!!

    She’s awesome..can’t wait to check out more of her crazy…er, I mean blog!

  10. On January 14th, 2011 at 2:11 pm Backpacking Dad Says:

    We were in line at Boston Market one day. We spent ten minutes in line, reading the menu above the cashier’s head as we waited. The woman in front of us, also in line for ten minutes, waited until she was at the cash register, UNDER the sign, to finally crane her neck back and up and say “Oh, wait. What do you have?”

    My wife rolled her eyes so hard back in her head that she hurt herself.

  11. On January 14th, 2011 at 2:29 pm Meg Says:

    I like your rules. I especially like rule 5, as I am that aunt. Thanks for sharing Claire…or do i call you aunt Claire, even though you are more of a cousin…but that cousin in every family that gets upgraded to aunt 😀

  12. On January 14th, 2011 at 3:07 pm c8h10n4o2 Says:

    I am that aunt. I am awesome and they WILL realize it again round about puberty when they hate their parents. Mwahahahaha!

  13. On January 14th, 2011 at 3:39 pm Andie Says:

    I get to be one of those aunts as well.. it’s great!

  14. On January 14th, 2011 at 3:35 pm Andie Says:

    Dear Claire,

    I would happily engage in wrapping paper sword-fights with you, as long as you are okay with me making star-wars light saber noises.

  15. On January 14th, 2011 at 7:38 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Wrapping paper should be of equal length so it will fit in the danged wrapping paper holder box thingy that one paid skillions of dollars for that currently doesn’t hold wrapping paper because it’s too danged short for anything but the pony-rolls bought from small school children in a moment of weakness. Also, wrapping paper sword fights? Should be an Olympic event.

    I am mentally ill. Sometimes I love the holidays. Sometimes I do not love the holidays. For the love of all that’s holy, be patient with me in either event, because I will tax you…I can’t help it, I am nuttier than a Claxton fruitcake (which fruitcake is a lovely brick shape, perfect for building homes with especially if one uses royal icing for the mortar). The holidays tax me, and I pass along the savings to you, because I am just that wonderful.

    Mizz Aunt Becky, I invited people to the Evil Genius’s birthday party three or four days beforehand. What? That was planning ahead, wasn’t it?

    OK, so I usually send out invites a month or so in advance, but that’s when I’m not all tangled up in the crazy and about a hundred months pregnant. This was not a banner year. Paper invites are nice, but seem to have been deemed passe – these days it’s all e-vites and phone calls and e-mails, or maybe it’s billboards and I’m missing a trend.

    Unless it’s the holidays and people need a LOT of advance notice to plan all that party, party, party, I should think two weeks would do.

    As I will have had a baby between now and the 25’th of January, I will relay my natal wishes to Amelia now – happy birthday, Little Miss Fierce Amelia, long may you reign as the ass-kickingest member of the sausage factory save your Mommy, who is, of course, supreme leader of ass kicking.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  16. On January 14th, 2011 at 8:07 pm Anne Says:

    I AM THAT AUNT!!!! I am soooooo awesome!!! I WILL be their favorite, they have no choice!!! HAHHHAHAHAHA

  17. On January 14th, 2011 at 11:00 pm Mallori Says:

    These rules are FANTASTIC! I wish everyone would abide by them!

  18. On January 15th, 2011 at 5:24 am Peter Says:

    When I was a kid we’d sneak over by this kind of rough section of territory where the trains came through. There were these long coal trains that would spill coal out when the cars hit the bumps and turns. We’d collect the chunks of coal in these great big gunny sacks and take them to our poorer friends and relatives. They would heat their houses on “pirated” coal. Some even cooked on those coal stoves.

    So I always smile at “getting coal for Christmas”. We worked damned hard for that coal, folks were damned glad to get it, too. And, yes, it was worth getting chased by the railroad bulls. They never chased us hard, it was part of the game. We actually helped by keeping the track area cleaned up some.

    Now, all these years later, I’m the weird Uncle and Grandfather.

  19. On January 15th, 2011 at 12:38 pm Meg Says:

    “01) When on line in front of me at a fast food establishment (drive through or inside), acting as though you have never, ever, EVER been to any sort of restaurant or engaged in any type of human interaction is now illegal.”

    That’s why they should have the menu further back on the drive thru. Because people like, I don’t know, ME, who go to the driv ethru about three times a year get all confused when they’re all “You wanna happy shiny super size? Or a grande venti size?” and I’m all “I DON’T KNOW!!! Give me a medium??? DO YOU KNOW WHAT MEDIUM MEANS?!?”

    I’m just saying…

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